Back in the dark lonesome hole.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Oct 25, 2017.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    This is my first time posting here. First of all, I love my daughter age 35 with all my heart. She is 35 bipolar, selfish, lies and steals. This last couple of weeks has been so hard that I have become ill again and I know this effects my health and can cause major depression, something I try to stay above.

    I have helped my daughter with everything that I have and I have given her my best. I feel stupid and foolish, dumb and extremely pained that I have fallen for her BS yet again. I keep thinking she is going to grow up and treat me honestly and respectfully but in reality it will always be 'OFF'. She is my only child, I lost a son years ago.

    Years ago we sent her to college overseas. She told us she was going to graduate early and take extra classes so I worked another job and sent her the extra money. She was taking cruises and blowing that money on stupid things. She got back to the states and got a job as a stripper and did make it through college, it took her 7 years. During that time she just took what ever she wanted from us. She lies and disrespects us.

    The reason I feel like such a damn fool is that I bought a house that she was renting from us and did ok for 8 years, with the knowledge that when she pays it off it will be hers. She has a 43 year old man living with her and does not contribute to anything. She decided to quit paying rent 4 months ago, plus my husband had been laid off from work so we were behind to begin with. She quit paying rent and opened a fancy beauty spa with rent as high as her house. She has also not paid her college debt which we are co signers. I also have my name on her car and bank. I know she lies, steals and turns into a psychopath while manic yet I keep trying to help her like an idot. I feel used, abused, and I know better. I know not to get involved with her financially but in reality she could not afford a car or house on her own without my help. But really why should I care so much, I wish I did not I wish I could walk away. I cry often and realize that she will use and abuse me until the end.


    I have decided that if she does not make right on her payments by Nov 15 I am going to put the house up for sale and think about moving out of town myself. I am seriously thinking of taking her off the will and finding a person that is kind and respectful to me.

    Last April my daughter got PG from the 43 year old guy she is living with. She was constantly stressed out and upset and the entire situation was awful. She miscarried the baby, which was sad and a blessing because that baby would be in a home with 2 very ill parents. I do grieve for a little one I was expecting this Dec but things are the way they are.

    I feel like such an idot with her abusing and stealing my money, I am an educated person how can I keep letting this happen?

    Goal this year is to get her name off of everything that I am connected with. EVERYTHING. Her debt gets so bad that I get calls at my house for her to pay her bills.
    My husband and I both are very financially responsible we did not raise her like this.

    My daughter's decision to not pay her rent and take that money and do as she pleases with it has set me on fire. I knew her past with lying and stealing, she has taken thousands of dollars from us and has wasted it completely. This has hurt me to the core but I forgave and thought she grew up and would not screw us over like this, but that is who she is and I have to come to my senses and realize she is a psychopath while manic.

    I do not want to accept or tolerate the abusive psychopath she turns into.
    I have had her to every therapist in the world and she refuses to take medication and she refuses to work on herself.

    I need a break. I am to embarrassed to talk with anyone about this because I feel like such a fool to be in this hole again. I feel harmed to the core, my spirit hurts and I feel as if I am coming down with depression. How have I let myself be on the receiving end of this kind of abuse again? I need to set my boundries up, I know what I need to do but right now I feel devestated to the core of my being that someone that I love dearly would stoop so low.
     
  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Welcome, you are in the right place, although I am so sorry that you have to be here. You've found a welcoming community of parents who get it and will help you. Sometimes you will get nothing but understanding and compassion, sometimes tough love, but everyone's intentions are good.

    You sound like you have a good plan in the works. Setting your adult daughter free to live life on her own terms and enjoy or suffer the consequences her choices bring, is a natural and logical decision. I am sure you are very torn, despite it all. I know you love your D very much. But you are correct, the toll is too high. It will never end unless you end it. Unfortunately, mental illness is for life. If your D refuses treatment, she needs to know that one consequence of that will be that you won't assist her.

    Unfortunately many of us do learn the hard way. You have invested huge amounts of time, love, and yes, money into your daughter's future and she has proven herself unworthy of that level of trust. Your plan to cut her loose is a good one. Come here when you feel weak. Following through is essential.

    Keep posting!
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  3. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome New Start.
    I could have wrote your story emoting the same feelings just a different character and setting. Same but different. You are not alone.

    We all do. We have loving compassionate souls and want the best for our children that’s how.

    The three Cs were taught to me here and they apply to your situation also.
    You didn’t Cause this. You can’t Cure it and you can not Control it. I like to add a fourth C which is we do not have to Condone it.

    There are excellent support groups NAMI is one I looked into them and unfortunately there is not a chapter near me. They are for the loved ones of people who suffer from Mental Illness. Please seek help and support for yourself. Focus on self care. It sounds like that is part of your goal you have set out.

    I have been it that hole. There is no shame, no embarrassment. You are among friends and in a safe place.

    Search this site for detachment. There is an excellent article and posting on detaching with Love.

    We hear you and know your not in this alone.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome newstart. I'm sorry you are continuing to struggle and suffer with your daughter's choices. I'm glad you found us.

    First off, you may want to copy and paste your post on the Parent Emeritus forum here, which is for our kids who are over 18.

    It may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.

    I have a similar situation with my daughter who is 44 years old. It's been a long journey of detaching, letting go and accepting what I cannot change. Please stop beating yourself up for all you've done for your daughter, every one of us here has done the same thing, these are our children, regardless of their age...... we love them.....so for as long as it takes for us to recognize that our helping is actually hindering them and harming us, we help them. Take the guilt and the self judgement off the table, it's hard enough without adding that to the mix.

    I would strongly suggest you find support for yourself. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness may be a good place to start. They offer really wonderful courses for us parents which give us guidance, support, information and resources. They have chapters in many cities. You can access them online.

    You've reached the point where you now realize that how you've been operating is no longer feasible and in fact, it is hurting both of you. You, because it is an endless game of enabling with no end in site, robbing you of your life-force and money.....and your daughter, because she can refuse to take any responsibility for her life, because you take it for her. It is time for her to reap the consequences of her choices.

    I think your plan to begin to cut her loose from being financially/emotionally dependent on you is an excellent plan. Sell the house. Take your name off of everything. Remove yourself completely from any financial connections you have with her as soon as you can. And, recognize that as you do this, your daughter will likely respond with anger, blame, manipulation, threats and any behavior which she believes will return you to your role as her enabler. Most of our adult kids act reprehensibly when we stop enabling, so prepare yourself for her wrath. That's where you getting support is going to be crucial because it is extremely difficult to go though that without caving, you will need others to circle the wagons around you as you make these changes.

    You and your daughter have a dysfunctional connection which has gone on for 35 years, it will not be a piece of cake to shift it. I had the same connection with my daughter. Because you've awakened to the truth of how destructive this is to your well being, your health and your finances, she has not. And, she may never. That is part of how we have to detach from our adult children, the recognition that they may indeed NOT change. WE are the ones who must make the changes. Often they come around, but sometimes they don't. You must become willing to face whatever consequences your daughter chooses to enact. She may end up homeless, in a shelter, or doing something which will be difficult for you to know. I know this firsthand, my daughter's life spun out of control and when I stopped enabling her, it got worse. She is presently homeless, couch surfing and much like your daughter, does not think she has a problem, therefore refuses to seek help and her lifestyle continues as it is. It's been a challenging path to get to a place where I am okay regardless of the choices my daughter makes or the lifestyle she chooses to live.

    It IS devastating, how you are feeling is how most of us here have felt. You've been at this a long time and you're depleted and exhausted. It is time to focus on YOU. It is time to nourish and nurture yourself. It is time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor and find peace and joy in life. I know that probably sounds absurd at this point in time, but you deserve that, you've been caught in the web of enabling for a long time and it is soul killing, it robs you of everything, it takes your life away one piece at a time and leaves you with nothing. For me to get through it I took a 2 year course in codependency facilitated by therapists who were trained in substance abuse and mental illness and it changed my life, it gave me my life back, it taught me how to set boundaries, say no as a complete sentence, stop feeling guilty and begin to put my focus on myself...... it set me free.

    You've reached your bottom. You've awakened from the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). From here on out you'll rise up, however, the road has some landmines and to avoid falling back into the enabling hole, get yourself as much support as you can. Keep posting, it helps. Every single day find a way to do something kind and nourishing for yourself. Take the intense focus you've had on your daughter and place it squarely on yourself. It is YOUR time now, take it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2017
  5. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I feel you! I've been a black belt co-dependant with my daughter for a long time: through 2 rehabs, bailing her out of jail, paying her rent, and on and on. She's 40. Now I'm raising her kids while she lives close by and does whatever she does. She has mental heath issues, too. I'm slowly disengaging from her drama but it's hard. She's a sweet, lovely, caring person who can't help herself and screws up all the time. She can't even hold a regular job. She was driving for Uber, but she let her car registration lapse (the nice car that her father, my ex-husband bought for her) and her insurance, too. I don't even want her kids in the car with her at this point. Don't feel stupid, ashamed, or embarassed. so many of us are going through this. It's hard. It's daily. There's lots of help and good advice here. Welcome to our corner of the world. It's a club that none of wanted to join, but here we are. Hugs to you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  6. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you for your kind comments and understanding. I did go to NAMI meetings with my daughter several years ago that was lead by a woman that was bipolar herself. It was life changing and it made a huge difference in my life. It was there that I got the courage to not talk to my daughter for 3 months. I made that decision because being around her was so toxic. Afterwards it changed my daughters behavior to the point she stopped being so belligerent. Since I am a bereaved mother losing my only son, my daughter thought she would get away with everything and anything. I keep on trying to make things peaceful and happy between us but the truth is that she is awful to me. This last bout of mania was because she was fighting with her boyfriend. They stay in a constant state of confusion and turmoil. They fight 24/7. I have had good times with my daughter and she is capable of being a good human but when she is in the midst of a break up she is a true psychopath. In the past year I have become healthy, revamped my diet completely and it gives me a stronger platform to work with. I have a voice, a real voice that knows how to give my daughter that crap right back to her. She lies and steals from me and then tries to act like the victim. The really good thing about this last crap she pulled is that I have a great plan in place where I will get my money back. When I sell the house I will get all the money she owes me back and it is in the thousands. She knows this so she may try to cough up the money. In our everyday life, I help her with groceries and buy her clothes and other things for her home but that has come to a complete halt. My daughter is trying to completely support a 43 year old grown man with anxiety issues. He is a mess, a real mess. I want so bad to have a good give and take relationship with my daughter, in fact that is all I want and if I realize that she will aways be like she is I can come to peace with it. I cry so hard over this. My husband is done with her, he really does not like her, he loves her but does not like her very much. Our daughter looks just like her dad, my husband so it is hard to ignore a child that looks so much like you but she has harmed him to the core of his being and it will be easier for him to walk off than me. I am going to put more interest in a special niece that I have, I am thinking my will is going to have her name on it. She lives in miles from me but I would love to live closer to watch her children grow. She is loving and kind to me and I love being around her children, I see bits and pieces of my deceased son's face in her children and it does smooth my broken heart, I miss my son terribly. I thank you for being here and supporting me while I try to gather the pieces of my broken heart. I have been to therapy many times alone and with my daughter plus read every self help book there is. I will never get use to or accept the constant lying and BS that my daughter dishes out to me on a daily basis.
     
  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am very sorry for the loss of your son. My stepson, 15, very nearly completed suicide on Labor Day. Miraculously, he survived and while he has disabilities, some of which are permanent, he is HERE and ALIVE and for that we are so grateful. For a few moments we thought we had lost him - he was clinically dead for a short time but never pronounced. They kept him alive with CPR and was on life support for a week. How he came through that with only minimal anoxic brain injury is God's work.

    I just wanted to acknowledge your loss. Having come close to it very recently with a stepson (not even a biological son), I have at least tasted the terror, the heartbreak and the devastation. I am so very sorry.
     
  8. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you B, for your sweet compassion. I am so sorry that you are having such a struggle with your stepsons, it is heartbreaking and so wearing. Suicide is always so ugly and heartbreaking for everyone involved. One night in our neighborhood there were 3 people die by suicide all unrelated. My son died from a virus when he was 13. He was playing basketball and the next day he had died. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around all that but my bipolar daughter has given me more grief. My son died 22 years ago but it is like it just happened. My husbands mother, sister and brother have bipolar and I have had to get them out of my life because of the misery that have caused. They have passed this ugly gene to my daughter. I know bipolar has all kinds of levels and strains but my daughters bipolar is a carbon copy of her relatives even the ugly hateful things that they say, word for word. When my daughter is ugly like she is, it is a pain that I can not even discribe. It pierces my soul with holes and I can't breathe.
     
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Our adopted daughter has the same illness, although she is a little younger and on disability. If down the road your daughter proves too unstable to work , this might be an option for her. My guess is that her career is bogus...you are , against your will, supporting her with that and other things financially.

    She is way too old for her not to know better and for you to continue enabling. I know all too well how this stress can hurt one's health.

    The others have given you top notch advice. And that's great that you looked into support from NAMI and are pulling back.

    Read whatever you can on "detachment," as it will likely be helpful.

    If you aren't doing so already, i would consider at least short term therapy for yourself as this type of stress is very taxing.

    You can learn to support her much more minimally and much more limited and totally on your terms.

    Please take extra good care of yourself.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  10. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Thank you Nomad. I think that my problem is that I want to see the best in others and my daugher does have good days, even good months but when she is breaking up with someone she is a monster. I have read every book you can think of, I have studied detatching, I did it for 3 months absolutely no contact, I had to ignore her knocks when she was knocking at my door and not answer the phone when she called using other peoples phones so I would think it was someone else on my called ID. If I ran into her at the gym or somewhere else, I would walk away. I took my voice off of the answering machine so she could not even hear that. I made myself invisible so she knew how it felt if I was gone. I totally detatched completely. It shocked her to the point it straightened her out for several years. This was harder to do than burying my son but I had to do it, I could not take the abuse. This last mania was the worst since that time which was in 2008. I really thought she had matured some and would not go back down that horrible road. She knows I have the strength to blow her off again, I know how short and fragile life is and what a waste of time her behavior is. I know she knows better. She said she is going to make it 'right' she is going to pay me back and I reminded her that I have it set up to make her pay me back by selling her nice home. There are times she should have been at work, she was out having fancy lunches and wasting time. No way do I want to support that lifestyle. She told me off the other day saying that I have it easy because her dad is successful. I told her that I made a healthy choice when I choose him to marry, plus I work hand in hand with him and if he was not a good fit I would not have stayed with him, she has been with her off/on boyfriend for over 7 years and it is a toxic mix, she tries to support both of them and in her mind she thinks her successful dad needs to just support both of them (Very imature). She is trying to dictate how we as a couple need to spend our money, she does not understand that it is our money and not hers. I guess what I need is a sounding board because I have done all that is suggested. I will not sit through hours of therapy with her anymore because the problem is with HER and she knows it. I use to sit through it with her for years because she did not want to go alone, we never got anywhere because of her belligerence. At one point the therapist told her she can't help any longer and called her a psychopath in front of me, I think the therapist was wore out with her no stop BS. My husband has a brother that is bipolar and moved to our town a few years ago. He tried to contact us a few times. My husband almost caved in but then I reminded him of the damage he has done for so many years and then he decided to not let him back in. Not just regular damage, deep down never forget make our life living hell type of damage. I told my husband I will not hold him back from opening that can of worms since it was his brother, but I am completely DONE with him. Having him in our lives in like asking me if I want to be mistreated, talked down to and ignored. NO thank you. I already have one out of control bipolar in my life that is draining my life forces no way would I take on another. When I was around my husbands family I almost ended up in the hospital from the abuse. I am grateful that my husband did not get this nasty illness. My side of the family is not perfect but at least they don't harrass and try to make our lives miserable. I have not met anyone that does not have some sort of dysfunction in their family. Our dream of buying a cabin deep in the woods and not leaving a forwarding address is sounding better and better. We are looking at property, seriously looking. I know my daughter knows right from wrong, I know she can do better, I know she knows how to help herself but chooses not to. I can not and will not do it for her anymore. My help in the past has just held her back that much more. I just hate to watch her fall on her butt but that is what needs to happen to make her grow. Dear God why can't she learn from her past? In 4.5 years she will be 40 and I will not keep riding this awful roller coaster. I do not like her, I love her. UGH.
     
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Usually people can't fully understand the heartache of another, but I have a decent understanding of where you are coming from and probably most here do as well.

    I totally "get" that draining of the life force that can happen when working with folks like this ...especially close relatives like an adult child.

    My husband and I have talked about this very often.

    You sound wise and strong.

    A little clarification...I absolutely do not think you should go with her to therapy. Nooooo. You , if you chose to go, might go to therapy by yourself for that sounding board. But ironically, some therapists might not fully understand (at least at first) how freakin draining adult "kids" with this disorder can be.

    We have boundaries in place on almost everything. And she tries to break them VERY often. For example, she can not call us until 9 am. She can text before 9 am if it is extremely urgent. Recently, she is on a kick where she is texting almost every day. She texted me about 7:15 am "please have dad call me...it's important." I ignored it.

    We know people who ended up divorced at least partially due to having a bipolar child. One woman had a nervous breakdown. We know of one family that did exactly what you are describing and moved secretly. Not sure, but I think at most she would text her adult bipolar child now and then. Maybe a second home in a secret location relatively far away would be something to consider for frequent breaks. We found and still do find that getting away is helpful. Boundaries are extremely helpful, but our child and it seems yours as well, tends to push and test the limits as much as possible.

    Ironically, we are on a trip in another state right now (long story) and there is a certain comfort to it.

    PS That "why can't she learn from her past"thing is what brought me to therapy. Scares the crxp out of me. No cause and effect reasoning. No learning ....no planning. Our daughter is doing miniscully better in these areas of late. She has been through hell. I had to ask my Higher Power to take this pain from me. I do t understand it and probably never will as she is an intelligent young woman and some things don't make sense.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  12. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Hi Nomad, I have spent so much time and energy trying to help, fix, lead, etc my daughter that I have come to the conclusion that not talking to her works the best. No matter what I say she has a belligerent answer. I am wore out to the bone. I have spent many hours in therpy and unless that therapist has actually lived in the same house with an out of control bipolar adult child, they really have no idea what they are talking about. Today I need to count my blessings. 1.She lives in her own home. It would be horrible to have a manic belligerent person living here.
    2. Drinking makes her sick.
    3.I can still text and phone talk but I do not want her in my home and today I do not feel bad about telling her I need to be alone.
    4. Everyday I realize over and over again she is an adult. At her age I was sending my parents money and trying to take care of them, she just uses us.
    5. I feel crushed and used but not as bad as years before when her abuse knocked me to the ground.
    6. I love her deeply, she is disgusting to me.
    7. I have the strength to stop her from coming over. In the past I just wanted peace with her so put up with her BS, not anymore.
    8. This last awful mania and stealing from me has hit me deeper than ever before and I have the strength to not let it break me into a million pieces but to gain strength and knowledge that I do not have to put up with her non stop nonsense and I have the strength to distance myself from it ( still working on it).
    9. How can someone be so intelligent (gifted classes) and so dumb at the same time.
    10. I know just typing this out and having others that know exactly how hard this journey is makes it a bit easier. I can reach out and it does help my horribly broken heart. My daughter's life journey is hers and hers alone and my journey is mine. If you throw rocks at me I will not walk this journey with you.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Particularly at age 35 , time is up. It's up to her to seek medication, counseling and to be the best she can be even with a difficult illness to contend with.

    You've listed several good things and this is comforting.

    You might consider offering her very limited/minor help now and then only. And only if she treats you appropriately.

    The focus needs to be on you and your health and happiness.
     
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Welcome Newstart, so sorry for your need to be here, you have landed in a place where loving people understand where you are coming from. It is wonderful to have support, and though we wouldn't wish this on anyone, just to know that we are not alone speaks volumes.
    I am so sorry for the loss of your son. How hard it is to lose our loved ones, while faced with the maelstrom of this.
    I don't know if my two have an underlying problem, drugs trigger similar behaviors. It is mind and heart boggling to witness the downward slide of hellish behaviors in our loved ones. We forgive and forgive, and give and give, only to have it shoved back into our faces. I don't think anything would ever be enough to elicit an iota of gratitude, they just seem to want to suck our very lives out of us.
    The attitude of entitlement is outrageous.
    In your posts, you have gone above and beyond to try to help your daughter.
    One thing struck me......
    She got better, when you removed yourself from the picture.
    Huh.
    So, it is possible. For her to know and do better. When you step back.
    Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
    I was thinking this morning that I had wasted so much time trying to fix something that was out of my control. The kids had a way of guilting me into feeling that it was my responsibility to remain engaged in the swirley whirley and drama of it all, heck, I had a way of guilting myself. Looking back, it was as if time stood still with it all, fast forward to the present, the reality is, years and years slipped by with my involvement and focus on wanting change for my two. Life was rushing past me.
    I still hope for change, but know it is not my call to make, that nothing I can say or do will invoke it. Except prayer. I gave them over to God, realizing that I had tried just about everything.
    I guess all of my agony was not a waste of time, it was a learning process.
    Let's just stop beating ourselves up over that, because we can't change the past, but we can change our reaction and our behaviors.
    When we know better, we do better.
    You sound more than ready to take back your control.
    Your daughter is living at your expense, literally and figuratively and it is unacceptable.
    You have value and worth, no one should be abusing you, least of all your own adult child. Me, too. Be it drugs, or mental illness, these d cs are adults, and we will not be around forever to clean up their mess and sweep away their consequences.
    They have got to learn from their choices.
    You can do this, and so can she, as she has already shown you.
    Making lists of things you need to do is a good start.
    You have already made a new start, by saying "Enough"
    Good for you.
    Stand your ground.
    Welcome, Newstart.
    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  15. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Amen Newleaf about giving it up to God. I think that I need to go back and truly remember that God is in complete control and I feel much better when I give up the driving and hand it over. But now I am dealing with the possiblility of evicting the 2 grown adults out of our rent home. Come Nov 15, she better have all the money dating back to July for rent or out they go. I will not feel sorry I will feel relief... And I agree fresh eggs are the best. I buy mine at the farmers market and they taste like dessert to me.
     
  16. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I just want to add how much I appreciate all of you. My daughter did not get real bad until she was 18 and then by 28 she was unbearble. My dear friends have no clue what I go through. They have grown children but nothing as bad or as close as the crap I go through, they would not even have a clue. I know what I should be doing and how I can help myself but the truth is I just needed to type out my anguish and feel genuine compassion from others that truly understand. Today I tried to take a nap but I am to grieved to sleep. My daughter knows the endness heartache I have over her brothers death, yet she still piles giganic mountains of crap on me. This is not what I want, this horrible road is not how I want my life to be. Blessings to all on this rough journey.
     
  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    There is a psychological canyon between knowing what we have to do and finding the strength to do it. Type away we are here and listening.

    Be good to yourself. Process your grief in a healthy was. I can not function when actively grieving.

    My mother lost a son my oldest brother to an accident when he was just 19. There is nothing more unnatural than to outlive your children. This is a special kind of grief that takes a special kind of healing.

    It is similar to seeing our Difficult Child, AC, MH challenges with our children. It is a grieving that is perpetual.

    We deserve to be well and need to set boundaries with compassion, love and self preservation in mind. We must.

    I hope you are able to cross the canyon into doing what you need to do soon.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I deal with my daughter similarly to Nomad deals with her daughter, every single aspect of life with my daughter is limited, has boundaries and very clear cut ways of dealing with me. It took me awhile to get that all in place, but it works so much better for me.

    There is no more disrespect in any way, I will not tolerate it in any fashion. After time, she got it. I would simply hang up or leave as soon as that "other daughter with the bad attitude" showed up. We see each other minimally, often I was driving her to chiropractor and acupuncture appointments but recently while I waited outside beeping and texting, she slept. She used to do that all the time, absolutely no regard for my time or feelings. This time I waited 3 minutes, no response from her so I left. She texted when she woke up that she was sorry and from this point on she will find a ride on her own. For me, that was a big deal. She apologized, took responsibility and she said she'd handle it on her own. A couple of years ago, I would have hung there banging on doors, phoning continually and I would have stressed myself out.....

    When we left on our trip to Kauai, I told her I do not want any negatives, 'no texts with your present drama, this trip is about me and resting and you need to respect it and leave me out of the loop'. Not only has she done that, she does text us, but only to say I hope you're having a wonderful trip and I love you. Amazingly, during the CA. Fires that we were impacted by, she texted me daily telling me everything was alright, not to worry, that things were calming down.

    My daughter is likely (undiagnosed) bi-polar as well. The strict boundaries around her behavior has made an enormous difference in my well being and peace of mind. She knows right from wrong and she can adapt to my rules, so I have an abundance of rules about almost everything.

    The interesting thing is that as I enacted so many rules and boundaries around her behavior, she is a much nicer person, she is not as difficult to be around, her personality seems to have shifted, at least around me. I honestly think she feels better about herself too, not being such a selfish, entitled brat around me.

    Newstart, you've made great strides and you seem "done." You have all the tools in place. You've come to the right place, we're all working our way thru this, you're sure not alone!
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. She sounds majorly disturbed. People who are bipolar can do amazingly mean and bizarre things to people they claim to care about and then wonder why those people are upset with them. I have such horrible memories of that woman.

    Pay careful attention to the eviction laws in the city that your rental home is in. Also pay attention to the repossession laws for the car, etc.... if you decide to take that back (even if it is only to have it scrapped if she has trashed it). If you don't follow the laws, she could sue you and she likely would. After all, in her mind you owe it to her to support her. Of course in reality you don't owe her, but in her mind you owe her.

    If you are on her bank account, why not just take the money out of there? Of course she would then stop having money put in there. She would probably subject you to a horrible scene either at your home or somewhere in public if she found you there first. {shudder}

    It can be so hard to deal with someone who is mentally ill. Please find support for yourself. From her behavior, it is highly likely that your daughter is using drugs or alcohol. A great many people with bipolar do use these to self medicate their problem. That would make her behavior even worse, and it would be impossible to say what was really going on until she was clean/sober and in recovery for a substantial amount of time.

    If you choose to have contact with her in the future, you might want to think about making her prove that she is clean/sober and on medication for her bipolar for a period of 6 months to a year before you are willing to interact with her.

    If you choose to not leave anything to her in your will, make sure you check your state laws with an attorney before you do it. In some states you have to leave a small amount ($1-$10 is what I have heard from friends writing wills) to a child that you do not want to leave a significant share of your estate. This is so that they cannot contest the will claiming that you forgot them and would have left them more but you had a brain fart and didn't remember they existed. Yes, people do make lame claims like that and courts sometimes accept them. You might want to say something like "My daughter X received her share of my estate when she was between the ages of 18-38, so I am only leaving her the sum of $5." This lets everyone know that she was not forgotten and she will get nothing more than the bare minimum from you. If she is an addict, it stops her from either spending the inheritance on drugs/alcohol. It also stops her from doing the colossally stupid things that people with bipolar can do with money when they are manic. I could tell you stories about what a large inheritance can do to someone who is bipolar. It isn't pretty, but it doesn't last very long. The money is spent super fast.

    Please don't bother going to therapy with your daughter. There wouldn't be any point. Go to therapy by yourself. It can be a wonderful experience. It might take a few tries to find the right therapist, but once you do find the right one, therapy can be super helpful. It can just be a relief to have someone to listen to you and tell you that you are not losing your mind. When you go to see a therapist, listen to your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, don't go back. Go to a different therapist because that one wasn't right for you. Not every therapist is right for every client. It is worth it to go through a couple of duds (or outright idiots) to find the really good ones.

    Welcome to our group. Please don't ever feel like someone here will judge you. I promise we won't. You may get a lot of suggestions and ideas, but don't feel you have to take any or all of them. We know they won't all be right for you. Take what works for you and leave the rest. You won't offend or upset anyone by not taking advice given here. (((((hugs)))))
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  20. Duli

    Duli New Member

    Thank you ! for your Post and ALL who replied ... WOW I really needed to hear your Story and all the Inspirational advise.. my Story is VERY much like yours, except my Daughter is 37 lol .. really I needed to hear ALL this .. I feel like I can deal with Today and my Weekend ahead .. Thank you ALL again !! xo :)
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List