big, long, sigh...........

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Dec 13, 2007.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so, so tired that I can barely function, but I at least wanted to touch base with my cyber friends and get some support.
    I started a new job about 3 weeks ago. The job is amazing, and I am so happy to be back in my career again, but it is physically kicking my behind. Evidently, I am getting old. I am a store manager, and on my feet all day, either walking, or stocking, or standing. I end up having to close the store, and then come back and open, and I am just struggling to adjust.

    I guess because of this fatigue I have been making some bad personal choices, or possibly because of my dad having cancer and not doing so well, not really sure. None the less, two weeks ago, I ended up "spending the night" with my abusive second ex, bad choice, as I know. Two days later, he screamed at me "to get out of his house". Lovely.

    Then 2 days ago, after 3 hours of sleep, and 11 at night, dead beat bio dad calls from jail! Grand!!! He calls me collect, and why I answer, is still a mystery. I guess because difficult child was standing right there, and knew who was calling. Dead beat dad proceeds to yell at me about how I need to call so and so to get him out....uh, ok? And I hang up. difficult child proceeds to meltdown, because once again his dad is messing up and he knows inevitably that when his dad is messing up he won't see him for months on end. (Which in my opinion is fine, but difficult child has become quite attached as of late to his dad).

    So, meanwhile, AS bio dad is calling and screaming, this old boyfriend, that I am still crazy about, started text messaging me. I had not talked to him in 8 months. and it started my head spinning. I ended up "spending the night with him" last night - again, great choice! I fully expect him to blow me off within minutes of me posting this message, and I knew that when I went out with him. I am crazy about him, but he is a commitment phobe. So instead, I sleep with him????

    I talked in therapy about it today, and I don't know what to make of it all. I have never had a good relationship with a man, let alone my father - but you would think at age 40 I would be able to stop seeking that never gotten approval from dad from abusive, dead beat, fickle men. Now that my dad is dying, it makes it even more complicated.

    Anyway, if you have gotten this far, thanks. It just helps to write it out sometimes.
    To top it all off, I got a speeding ticket, my house is a pit because I have had not time to clean, and my furnace died and I had to borrow 3K to get it fixed.
    My head hurts.

  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Ok, girl, you've made me dizzy. Not all that hard, I know....

    It sounds to me like you're seeking comfort. And in doing so falling into old patterns of behavior. It's familiar. You've had a lot of stress lately. Cut yourself some slack. Then block collect calls from your house and turn off the text messaging.

    And take some advil for your head.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Oh honey.

    I would say I can relate but...ok...I can I make horrible choices when under stress so unfortunately I tend to make a ton of horrible choices. I have always searched for that elusive parental approval. It just bites when you can never really find it.

    Oddly enough, me and Tony's song is "Lookin for Love in all the wrong places" because I was always doing just that.

    Sometimes it is easier to fall back into old habits when we are stressed out. New job sounds very tiring. I can understand how you would search out comfort.

    Hugs. Hope things get better. Slow down some.
  4. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    You've got so much on your plate!!! I think Heather is right. in my humble opinion, you're seeking comfort. I can totally understand why with all the stuff you're dealing with.

    I had to cut the ties permanently with my parents a little over a year ago. For a long time, I too, was looking for approval from my father. And, in reality, my father was a very distant, self-centered person with lots of emotional problems. It took me years to realize this. I used to idealize him. And, I too, believe that I made some extremely poor choices in men. I too, used to always pick men who weren't there for me emotionally, afraid of commitment, or who were walking on the "wild side" of life.

    Please don't be too hard on yourself. Honestly, I don't really have any good advice other than that. I don't know how I would feel if I knew my father had cancer. I'm sure, even to this day, I'de have mixed emotions...I think even though as adults, we rationally know and understand our fathers' negative impact on us, it is difficult to totally erase this impact from our lives.

    Sending lots of cyber hugs, WFEN
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{ww}}} Hugs, hon, I'm so sorry you're feeling so upside down and inside out. I think Heather is right also - you're just so overtaxed that you're seeking comfort wherever and in whatever way you can. Don't beat yourself up over it - it's good that you at least have recognized it.

    easy child used to become very overwhelmed and her head break out in psorriasis and she began having panic attacks. At the time that it was most severe she was seeing her old boyfriend who was a maniac about keeping in touch with her. She could hardly focus on herself or anything she needed to get done because she was always being barraged by texts or phone calls. I finally made the suggestion to tell him he can't text her and that she needed at least 2 nights a week to herself. It was very hard, but she did it and after the first week, there was a marked difference in her. She seemed more relaxed and happier - boyfriend was not, but oh well. Definitely turn off all the ways in which people can take from you when you're unable to give, such as the text, cell, emails, and put on the answering machine.

    Bottom line is that you need to find ways to cope and nurture yourself without seeking it from others. And that's something you can ask your therapist to help you with. It is not easy, but in time you can get healthier in the ways in which you care for yourself.

    I will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs~
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Face it, you've got a ton of junk going on right now, plus the new job. Give yourself a break. Stress tends to bring out the worst.

    As for your actions, hey, I think it's important that you recognize the behavior for what it is. Personally, I think that in itself is huge.

    In the meantime, turn of your text messenger, don't accept collect calls.

  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Another been there done that. Me, during the divorce. How sick is that. We are human. We have needs. OK, sometimes we do stupid things like go back to stupid DEXs. But you did the right thing. You came here, you talked about it. Now, take everyone's advice. Disable your texting option and stop accepting collect calls.

    Done and done.
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Thanks guys.........

    I did tell both guys I was done with them yesterday. Interestingly, I don't think they will take my boundary setting without me repeatedly setting it, which is what drives me crazy. But I will continue to fight the good fight.

    As far as dead beat dad, that saga is just one of many - and I have no doubt it will continue - because he is always in a constant mess. Unfortunately, he drags his child through it with him, because for the last year difficult child insists on seeing him. It will have to ultimately be difficult children choice on whether to continue a relationship with a loose canon that explodes on a continual basis debris into his life. Meanwhile, I just wish I did not get hit with the fall out.

    My dad, well, that is the part that causes me to cry uncontrollably. Knowing I will never, ever get what I need from - ever, because now he is dying.

    I did get a long, excellent night sleep, which is awesome! And I am ready to go run all of my errands, and spend the day cleaning up the pit of the house. So I am sure I will feel much better after that.

    Thanks guys.