I am so, so tired that I can barely function, but I at least wanted to touch base with my cyber friends and get some support. I started a new job about 3 weeks ago. The job is amazing, and I am so happy to be back in my career again, but it is physically kicking my behind. Evidently, I am getting old. I am a store manager, and on my feet all day, either walking, or stocking, or standing. I end up having to close the store, and then come back and open, and I am just struggling to adjust. I guess because of this fatigue I have been making some bad personal choices, or possibly because of my dad having cancer and not doing so well, not really sure. None the less, two weeks ago, I ended up "spending the night" with my abusive second ex, bad choice, as I know. Two days later, he screamed at me "to get out of his house". Lovely. Then 2 days ago, after 3 hours of sleep, and 11 at night, dead beat bio dad calls from jail! Grand!!! He calls me collect, and why I answer, is still a mystery. I guess because difficult child was standing right there, and knew who was calling. Dead beat dad proceeds to yell at me about how I need to call so and so to get him out....uh, ok? And I hang up. difficult child proceeds to meltdown, because once again his dad is messing up and he knows inevitably that when his dad is messing up he won't see him for months on end. (Which in my opinion is fine, but difficult child has become quite attached as of late to his dad). So, meanwhile, AS bio dad is calling and screaming, this old boyfriend, that I am still crazy about, started text messaging me. I had not talked to him in 8 months. and it started my head spinning. I ended up "spending the night with him" last night - again, great choice! I fully expect him to blow me off within minutes of me posting this message, and I knew that when I went out with him. I am crazy about him, but he is a commitment phobe. So instead, I sleep with him???? I talked in therapy about it today, and I don't know what to make of it all. I have never had a good relationship with a man, let alone my father - but you would think at age 40 I would be able to stop seeking that never gotten approval from dad from abusive, dead beat, fickle men. Now that my dad is dying, it makes it even more complicated. Anyway, if you have gotten this far, thanks. It just helps to write it out sometimes. To top it all off, I got a speeding ticket, my house is a pit because I have had not time to clean, and my furnace died and I had to borrow 3K to get it fixed. My head hurts.