boarding school

[Jena]

hi

so if you read my thread yesterday you know easy child did some really bad stuff, and i'm really kinda getting done now. It's been 4 years of stuff with her, and i thought she was finally on her way. I was so so proud. I was also so so dillussional. So, i've really thought about this and what it will be like surviving the next 2 years of high school if this is the kinda stuff she's going to be doing, and i'm not going to live like a prisoner.

Now granted popping her into a boarding school for the next two years she'll def hate me, difficult child will def be needing medication increase she loves her sister. Yet you guys what that 15 year old did in that bedroom with her boyfriend, i'm sickened and i'm done.

I checked a few out on line last night their a literal fortune. like 30k a year. granted there's financial aid and since we arent' married id' qualify for i guess whatever their giving.

so if anyone has any experience with this pls share. also what are your thoughts on boarding school? I adore her i do, yet she has manipulated me into thinking things were all good she awakened my eyes the other night that's for sure.

 

[Fran]

I'm not sure what your relationship was like before this incident but I would tell her that she had one chance to break the rules and learn a lesson. If it happens again she will be taken out of the temptation by going to boarding school. And mean it.

The way I figure it is that if kids didn't make mistakes or screw up they wouldn't need parents. They are a work in progress.

If she learns that betraying trust results in consequences and she does it again then the consequence will increase.

Keep researching your options in terms of her doing it a second time but be very clear to easy child what your intent is and what your plan is and stick to it.

I always expected easy child to stumble as all kids do. If he did, he would get serious consequences, some life lessons, some serious "warrior mom" time and be sent on his way to exhibit some emotional growth. If he did it a second time, there would be no discussion. He would be removed from the temptation. Fortunately, they believe I do what I say a large percentage of the time.

I know you are upset. Let things settle before you make any decisions. She needs to learn from her mom that what she did is not ok. : ( I'm sorry for your family.

 

[eekysign]

My little sis just got booted out of a very good boarding school for behavioral issues (why she was booted, the SCHOOL is not for behavioral issues. ). She's far from alone up there.

I would think it depends on whether you're talking regular boarding school or residential treatment type school. Regular boarding school is going to be a lot of wealthy kids, and a lot of ESL foreign kids. There's a lot of underground drug use at boarding schools. Scan Facebook or Myspace for "groups" related to any boarding school you might be looking at. For the schools we were evaluation'ing for difficult child sis, we found groups like, "My parents spent $120,000 for me to become an alcoholic" and groups that clearly described drinking, drug use, and stairwell/library stack/sports field sex.

Teens are teens. A strict boarding school might avert some of the behaviors you're scared of----but it'll probably leave a kid unable to function normally, and make good decisions AFTER boarding school on their own. A normal boarding school is going to be just like a public high school, socially, but with a LOT more opportunities to go bad---way too much money and bad habits and BAD home situations come with boarding school kids. Some kids go off to boarding school, like my difficult child sis, to try to find a good education and a place to "fit in". But a LOT of them are like your daughter, getting "shipped off" for misbehavior.

They're not all bad. But it mostly depends on your daughter learning to behave herself---my personal opinion is that boarding schools won't solve any sex problems. Maybe an all-girls school would, but that just raises other issues. Again, this is just what I've seen.

 

[Rotsne]

We have an old saying: "The pixie follows along"

It means that you can send her anywhere but the issues will follow along. At the boarding school the risk is that she would catch a guy from the local community or at the school and she will be kicked out.

You can also choose that kind of boarding school where they are kept in a "bubble" as a two year long timeout before returning to the same environment they left and fail within months.

Change has to come from within.

It is the wrong time of the year. She could need some outbound experiences. Not exactly wilderness therapy, but something where she learn something about self-esteem.

My old manager (a woman) said: "Young men are primitive and live like animals trying to secure the survival of their genes by putting it into as many women as possible" and "Women have to be picky so then can find the most superiour genes to mix theirs with in order to achieve the best chances for the survival of their off-spring". This is conflicting interests.

You have to find a method to let her feel that she is worth a lot instead of putting her down due to her actions. Only if she feels better than the guys she will play hard to get. That takes a good self-esteem. The trick is to give her that.

Because it is winter. I am out of ideas. Most outbound activities take place during the summer. I will pray for you to find a solution for her where she will learn how to think a lot better about herself.

 

[JLady]

Jennifer.

easy child is a child. You are upset at the moment. Dealing with easy child's and difficult child's can really wear you out. Let the time pass. Make sure your daughter knows the rules and where the boundaries are. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Remember that whatever you tell her, you will have to back up so be careful in making decisions while you are this upset.

My 21 year old daughter will tell you that the worse thing I ever did to her was refuse to speak to her when I was upset once. She was so use to my yelling and explanations for why you shouldn't do something that when I had nothing to say because I was so disappointed, she was crushed. She knew she had really messed up.

At the age of 17 my mother told me to get out of the house because she didn't like the things I was doing. I have felt that same rejection throughout my life. Please do not reject your daughter because of poor choices. We all make choices and we all have to suffer the consequences of those choices. Make sure she understands that.

This is just my opinion. Please take what you want and leave the rest. I hope the relationship mends quickly.

 

[susiestar]

Jen,

Boarding school won't fix it. My dad used to point out the orange barrels along the road when we took road trips at Christmas. (We lived in OK, his family in OH - I stayed up with dad, bro with mom during nighttime driving). Dad told me that EACH barrel contained a teen who flagrantly disobeyed a parent - and they were there until age 21. That was why there were so many orange barrels.

ALL I had to do was behave WELL and there would be no orange barrel for me. (OK, so my dad was goofy, but it got the point across, LOL). Surprisingly, my mom had NO idea he told me that!!! My bro DESERVED an orange barrel!!!

Anyway, the best thing you can do is to understand that kids have sex. Arm her with the tools to be safe and the knowledge you love her no matter how mad you get. Or how mad she gets.

I hope that she can make better choices and that she decides that Rin is enough of a challenge that she doesn't want a child of her own at an early age.

I am so sorry she hurt you this way, by betraying your trust.

 

[JLady]

I love the orange barrel theory. May I use it?

 

[janebrain]

Hi Jennifer,
just responded to your other thread but I wanted to say if you think a boarding school will keep her out of trouble you are so wrong! My boss at work has regaled me with tales of her younger brother at boarding school. Unless your dtr is in a lockdown facility (mine was) she will find a way to circumvent the rules if she wants to.

Also, I am concerned that your dtr is going to feel very rejected by you--that you can't handle her, she is such a terrible person. She really needs you more than ever, just in a different way. She needs to know you are there no matter what and that you can handle anything she throws at you. You are her role model whether you like it or not. She needs to see that adults can handle yucky situations and needs to see how to do it.

I guess I am coming at this from the perspective of someone who did have a kid who was incorrigible--I just don't see your dtr that way, she sounds like a normal, typical teen. She isn't running away from home, doing drugs, sleeping with a bunch of guys, etc. My dtr was doing all of that by the age of 13 I think.

Anyway, please don't panic and please realize a 15 yr old girl has strong sexual desires--I know I sure did!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[crazymama30]

I agree with the others, I don't think boarding school will fix it, and I think it would cause irreparable harm to your relationship with her. When there is a difficult child in the house, it puts a lot more stress on our pcs. She is a teen, she will push the limits and continue to. I would imagine that your easy child (like mine) resents difficult child at times as a difficult child takes so much time.

I also think that teens need as much or more supervision than younger children. They are at a very dangerous stage.

I have found I make better decisions if I do not react right away, if I let the dust settle I can see more clearly. I know that this is easier for me after I started taking something for depression.

 

[Shari]

Hi Jenn.
***
I haven't read all the replies yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating anything (or way off base, either is possible), but... I'm not sure I'd be looking at boarding school just yet. I understand you are disgusted, angry, hurt, betrayed, etc, by the choice she made; however, frankly, that's what teens do. They spread their wings and test the waters and push the limits.
***
I think the best thing you can do is let her know you've lost trust in her - but don't toss her out as a person. Make her regain that trust (maybe the phone needs to go for a while, too). And as much as you don't want to "live in a prison", well....sometimes you have to. We dragged difficult child along with us until he was 18 because we couldn't leave him home alone. It hoovered, but it kept him out of trouble, and I figure it was just the chance I took when I had kids (tho wasn't a chance I even remotely thought about way back then...)
***
I knew a guy in high school. His name was Joe. Nicest kid you ever met. Valedictorian. SUPER-SMART. Marching band leader. Got a FULL RIDE to MIT. He was a model student, model citizen, model child. He was very interested in school, he had fairly strict parents, and his "compliance factor" was high, so he never pushed the limits with them.
***
Until he went to MIT. He had basically lived in a bubble until then, and when he got there, he was so unprepared for life.
***
He got 2 girls pregnant and drank himself out of a his full scholarship by the middle of the second semester.
***
While teens and their choices are so hard to deal with, this is the time that they are practicing to be adults. Emphasis on practice. They are gonna screw up; just hope they do while you're still their to cushion the fall, evaluate what went wrong, and point out a new/different path. As adults, they aren't always going to make the decisions we wish they would; just as you and your parents differ, and me and my parents differ, so will you and your daughter. While I don't think this is one of those "step back" moments, it is something to keep in mind. Total compliance isn't always the best thing, either.

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion only if she is having sex (and lying about it, which goes hand-in-hand), and isn't doing drugs or other things, it's not that bad. Yeah, I've already raised four kids to 15, and I would hate for my 12 year old daughter to have sex at 15, but some kids (I've learned) are doing it at 12. It's not that rare. To me, the biggest issue would be safe sex and not sleeping around. A boarding school, a military school, a wilderness camp will not stop her from being with boys if that's what she's going to do. Talk to her and make sure she understands safe sex because I doubt you can stop her since she started (no matter what you do), and it doesn't make her a terrible, bad, horrible person. She is not unusual. You risk alienating her forever, and your youngest will see that you sent her away and it isn't really because she's a danger at home. My criteria for telling kids to leave is if they are dangerous or extremely defiant. Doing what we don't want them to do in my opinion is absolutely typical teen, unless they are breaking the law. You have to do what you think is right. Everyone here has a different standard of what "the last straw" is. Mine would be drugs (my daughter almost died taking drugs--so maybe I just see sex with a different set of eyes) and/or violence. I can't imagine making a child leave my house because she is sexually active, even though it wouldn't thrill me.

 

[tinamarie1]

i have thought about it alot lately...but we don't have the money and im being selfish because iam afraid i would miss her too much.

 

[TerryJ2]

I can't speak for the relationship part, but I know two families who sent their boys to boarding school for a yr. They came back 100% improved. It lasted about 2 yrs and the boys slowly reverted to their old behaviors.
The first thing the school admin did was take away all electronics equip. It was used as a reward for several wks of good behavior. A powerful motivator!
These boys had crummy relationships with-their parents to begin with, so I have no idea if it helped or hurt.

 

[Jena]

Hi everyone,

Sorry internet was down this a.m. and yesterday was a zoo here between christmas tree decorating, baking with all the kids.....

Anyway i took the time just now to read everyone's responses. I appreciate everyone taking the time to share their own experiences with me in regards to either your kids or your past. That's why I love this place so much and everyone here is amazing!!!

So, a little background on easy child, what she has been taught, what her past mistakes are etc.

easy child started messing up in school in 7th grade, by 8th was nicely "removed" from an accelerated program for gifted students due to her lack of effort and focus. She become overwhelmed by friends and social life and that was her only concern. We then moved 70 miles away to where we are now so that she could go to a school that offered an acceptable cirriculum that she could handle, an nice neighborhood, etc. move was all for easy child. difficult child took a huge huge hit. We all know how difficult child's dont' deal well wtih change.........

Way I see it we were family of 3 and when one of us needs something we bend like a rubberband and we do for that family member. Before we moved she lied repeatedly over things, would lie about her whereabouts always had me guessing and wondering and nervous at work where was she really, etc. if nanny had difficult child down by beach and left easy child unattended. She's done the stealing the credit card thing at 13, tons of lies, etc.

I have always punished, taken away, at times took door off hinges to her room. I do whatever is necessary to enforce the rules, to try to teach her right from wrong. All the while telling how very much I adore her and always will and she can always come to me and I'll fight for her with school problems if she's in the right, ill always be there for her no matter how she tortures me lol. So, NO i do not shut her off or shut her down. I list the rules/expectations/consequences than give her a hug and say ok let's try this again.

Sex ed came in early for her, as soon as 13 hit the lies began I said ok more than just the birds and bees talk we had at 11 and 12 time to get graphic and so i did. I taught her about self respect, the importance of respecting and loving yourself, etc. first and foremost. When you love yourself first the rest falls into place.

Since 13 it's been a rough ride. I always flip flopped my attention the best I could, with difficult child's increasing needs and problems. I always found the time for a cup of tea after a long day and gfgness with easy child. etc. i kept it real, i kept it as balanced as a full time working mom could. Sure i've made my mistakes we all have, maybe some have contributed to this, maybe some havent. Yet I did the best I could for the time in which I did it. I take full responsiblity for whatever mistakes i may of made to contribute to this, yet it's not about that now. Now it's about getting her on an acceptable path at least.

So, what i have come to learn is ............easy child manipulates, will "play" with my emotions, give the hugs or let me hug her lol, play it up with school like it's all good when it's not, talk to me and say certain "key" things to indicate she gets it. Even in regards to friends and making sure she tells me exactly "enough" and withholds the rest, shows certain attitude towards other friends behaviors to indicate wow i can't belive they'd do that, etc. Leaving me to believe wow this kid really gets it. yea ok lol.

She has gotten drunk repeatedly this year yup on my watch and thru the manipulation she is sooo good at it went unnoticed, once it was quite random drug and alcohol tests are run (twice so far) unknown to her we told her it was physical she truly believed it. Countless team meetings at school to help "get her going, on the right track" etc. it's too endless to list it all.

Yet here is what i've come to learn easy child has been messing around for a while it seems to what extent I do not know. And boy did i monitor, the boyfriend she had would call the mom never allow her there with-o the mom present, same by me. Made sure to meet the parents, the boy, etc. Now will they have sex at this age, sure I'm not dillussional. I didn't, yet that was due to my past i went the other way sex happened later for me. Yet truth be told the lies and maniuplation surrounding her choices are what's making me ill at this point. Ok also what she did the other night. She demeaned herself.

Here we are now at almost 16, it wasn't just sex she had by the way. What she did demeaned herself and could lead to serious depressive issues i've looked up in herself, etc. I got a blow by blow breakdown in her texts that night from her girlfriends with whom were talking as though they were hookers on a street quite honestly (i have since contacted those mom's to let them know what's up). Alot of the parents here i've found so far as soo wrapped up in their own lives, their new cars, their coach bags and "girls night out" they are dillussional to what their little girls are doing. They love me, last time i was the one who enlighted "hello their getting drunk" lets communicate better as mom's to keep track on what their doing, where their getting alcohol from, etc."

So, now I wont' live like a prisoner in my home, I am not rejecting her in anyway, I am stating fact and what it is I am willing to live with or not live with. easy child now has officially crossed the line and there is one thing I know, if she has done it once she will do it again. She is so smart and cunning and i think i have spent years in denial about my own kid. I thought difficult child was the only one who i was in denail about boy was i wrong lol.

I am not going to panick wondering uh oh im running late from work, is her boyfriend there, what are they doing. On the weekends that difficult child goes to dad's and easy child stays home 'm not going to be in lock down mode and not be able to spend an afternoon with a friend having lunch, or go grocery shopping in fear this boy will be here. I simply will not do it. Is she my daughter, do I adore her so much, Yes to both. Yet I am not willing to live on edge due to her lack of common sense with her choices.

He is infactuated with her, he writes her 3 love letters a day, i have supported this relationship which also upsets me. I know the whole "dont' see him anymore" will make her gravitate to him quicker. With that being said how do i now live my life?? How do I contain her??? Just pop her on the pill and this way i know if she remembers to take it I wont' be raising her baby?? That's just not good enough.

She's going down a bad path and I feel it's up to me as her mom to push her the right way right nwo. Obviously the speeches on self worth, life, love respect and working together. boyfriend and I standing there monday and wednesday nite working together to get dinner out, set a table, balancing our time with 5 kids, etc. shows her nothing. so, i'm out of speechs, contracts that don't work, door removals that go unnoticed, punishments that do not matter, therapy that never works.

Her response I'Tourette's Syndrome my life I'll live it how i see fit. OH, ok not in my home you will not. So, i'm only checking out the schools. we probably can't afford it to be honest. difficult child's illness i'm still paying off and dodging creditors for so easy child now 30k a year to get her into an all girls school hmm i'm not sure. We can't talk to the parents because wow tha'Tourette's Syndrome a whole situation there, and talking to her boyfriend will do absolutely nothing. I tried that two weeks ago when she showed up with hickies all over her.

Will sending her to boarding school stop her need for sex, or the other stuff she's doing? no i'm sure it won't. Yet maybe a controlled environment one in which does not offer the temptation and "play" time that this one does because i now have a job and boyfriend works alot and so does dad where he lives, maybe just maybe taht will make her redirect her focus onto what she needs to focus on herself, school, who she is, who she wants to be.

anyway sorry so long. The choice i think i make right now, how i handle this will largely impact her future years my gut says. This is more than ok typical kid stuff. This has been going on for years now and it's just getting worse. ARe there drugs involved, I do not know to be quite honest. I test her randomly yet who knows. Doesn't seem it, yet she got drunk and got past me............

 

[Rotsne]

When I was researching the continuation schools because the family coach recommended one, I spoke to person in the DSS. They have huge problems with kids returning from these schools and we are not talking real behavior modification regardless of the fact that the courts sometime use them as punishment. The students are allowed mobilephones and they can use them every day from 19:00 - 21:00 and they have to stay in the dorm.

The problem is adjusting to a live without the enclosed environment you will find always in every dorm. They do find new friend but they are also surrounded by people 24/7. They are almost never alone. At some schools they even call the group in a dorm a family. Once they return home their old peers have moved along. They are gone. Of course they start in school again, but it is different.

So here they can have started an aftercare project with an adult mentor and support meetings. It is costly but most drop out of their education if such a aftercare support is not established. The numbers prove it.

As I stated in a previous post, I dont think that a boarding school is the answer. It is more about self-esteem. She thinks too little of herself. Is there not a single area where she excels?

 

[Jena]

I'm sorry as much as i appreciate your input and thoughts and time in responding. I do not agree whole heartedly. I am just now beginning to look into them, ponder the thoughts, etc. So obviously no clear decision has been made as to how to move forward with this. I'm kinda sitting on it and taking my time. So that i make sure i handle it the right way.

In order to get the "full" picture you would have to know her is all i can say. lol. truly. easy child is gorgious, beautiful, smart funny outgoing, etc. she attracts a whole lotta ppl with this outgoing ways and the looks in regards to the boys. I've had her evaluated and gues what she's not depressed, nor does she have a negative self image. Sure like typical teenagers there might be oh i gained a few pounds, yet she eats like a horse.

She thinks she's amazing, in all areas. I think there are some self esteem issues that the pyschdoc didn't pick up on a year ago. Yet there are those in most teenagers, I had them bigtime. Yet our society isnt' what it was when we were kids. Sex sells these days and not just "regular" sex these kids are going into whole other realms of it. Her main importance in her life is her boyfriend, her friends, and track. That's it. bottom line. She doesn't care if she'd have to walk over my bleeding body (sorry dramatic lol) to get what she wanted. She manipulates till she gets her way and boy is she good at it.

I just wrote a whole long response 'm not sure if you read it. Yet point being something has to be done. Contracts, door's off hinges, punishments, that ain't gonna do it this time. Nope. Therapy at this age doens't work unless they want it to work, i've also tried that route as well.

As far as her acclimating to life home again after 2 years away at school till we get thr senior year (if i can even do this), that's neither here nor there. I do not care if her supposed friends are gone and off on their own. Their part of the problem with their step by step guide the other night on what to do to him. I'm good with that. If she's not oh well, tha'Tourette's Syndrome life. wE all make mistakes and there are consequences to those mistakes. That is also a huge part of teaching them what real life is like I think.

 

[susiestar]

Jen,

It sure sounds like there is a whole lot more going on than I thought from what you had written in the past. I think you are wise to follow your instincts and evaluate your options.

(Whoever asked if they could use the orange barrel story - go for it! My dad truly DID tell me that that was what all those orange barrels were for!)

As for easy child, maybe you need to change it to gfgL? Esp if NO punishment/consequence has any impact.

I DO think you need to read Parenting Teens with Love & Logic. If you haven't. It has some surprisingly effective ways to handle teen issues.

I am sorry she chose to do acts that disgust you. I am quite sure she knows you love her, and that she problem is excellent at winding Rin up to take the focus off of whatever she is doing.

Maybe that book about the Manipulative Child that Andy recommends would also help.

I am here if you want to talk.

hugs,

Susie

 

[Jena]

I'm only grabbing a few of these in particular.

Jane - I understand totally what you mean in regards to sexual desire and i totally accpet that. My issue is the lying and level of continuous manipulation that has been displayed in the past 4 years from her. That is my true issue. The sex thing, wasn't just sex and i think that she lowered herself and hurt herself emotionally from what she chose to do. Yet she has disappeared quite a many times, not literally packed up yet, she has also gotten drunk quite a bit and for how long i do not know either. she has also a year or so ago left difficult child at a bus stop several times and went with freinds instead of getting her sister. point is alot of behavioral issues have been observed and soo noted mentally. her disregard for anyone other than herself is astonishing. she shows no empathy it's weird actually.

Midwest mom - hi, and i totlaly see your point. Yet quite honestly I do not know if she has used drugs yet or if she is. So far the two random drug tests by school suggesting i do so (failing grades) came back clean. Yet we all know there are certain thinigs you can chose to take at certain times. I would not be shipping her off due to her having sex and other stuff here. It's the constant maniuplation and lies and stealing of credit cards when younger and who knows maybe she is the one who lifted the 700 last mos as wel. I just don't know anymore. Bottom line is she isout of control. that is my issue. how do i contain her. previous attempts have not worked. i'm out of ideas at this point.

 

[crazymama30]

I was kinda like that at about 16, I was a major difficult child. I don't even go to high school renunions as that is not who I am anymore. I can understand that at her age if she does not want therapy it won't work, I jumped out of the car at a stop sign on the way to therapy one time. I know for me, if I was sent to boarding school I would have run away. I have a good relationship with my mother now, but I was a pain. I moved out when I was 16, barely finished school.

I am much better now, or so I hope. lol. There is hope, I think part of it is that the teen age years just hoover big time. Hugs,

 

[Jena]

Susie

hi, as with anything thinigs change and get better and roller coaster from time to time. I think I as a parent have been manipulated to the full extent by this bright beautiful girl with whom i absolutely adore lol.

i have told a few freinds with whom have known us quite sometime and their responsie is good your out of denial!! i said denial?? they said yes you have tried so hard to contain her, make good choices, show her right from wrong, make her spend time with you, punish, contracts, action/consequence you name it yet she keeps getting over on you somehow someway.

sure, she's not coming home drunk or high right now at least i dont' think so. sure she just joined track. yet her lies are so massive, her level of maniuplation is so so huge that i'm not sure what the heck si going on anymore.

sheesh talk about the year of enlightnment, huh..?? ugh.

by the way already skimmed thru those books, will read further when find time to breath quite honestly