Can't Shake The Dread

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, May 2, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm not really one to pour my heart out to people or wear my feelings on my sleeve. I'm good about keeping it together and plunging ahead. But if I don't get this out of me I'm not going to be able to make it thru this appointment.

    I'm losing it. I can't shake the feeling of dread that has been hanging over me like a shroud concerning Travis for the past week or so. I tell myself I'm just worried. It's normal to be worried.

    And yet I can be driving down the road, not even thinking about it, and suddenly it's like someone has shoved a knife thru my heart and I'm filled with overwhelming grief. The sobs come as if I've lost him. And I'm not a person given to tears, let alone sobbing. I can't discribe it very well with words. I'm not sure if there are words that can describe it. It keeps hitting me out of the blue like that. And is much much worse when I do let myself think about it.

    It doesn't make sense. This is grief, not worry. A whole different level from worry.

    I haven't told anyone this is going on. I'm still walking around the strong warrior Mom on the outside. But I'm coming unglued on the inside.

    I've seen the child thru so much over the years, losing his sight without a know cause, the unexplained neuro regressions, and then the polycythemia. Heck I didn't flinch with even the polycythemia diagnosis, although I'd done my research (which is why they looked for it) and new what he was in for if it was confirmed.

    I don't want to come off that I "know it all", but what terrifies me the most is that I've yet to be wrong when I've thought such and such is wrong with Travis. My instincts have always been dead on.

    This time if what I fear is right.........I'm going to lose my son. Ok. Polycythemia is terminal. But I thought we had years yet. At least ten or more. Not the same as what he could be facing now. If it's progressed to leukemia he is going to die, even if he gets treatment it will only be to delay the enevitable.

    Once I believed myself to be a strong woman. But as I'm typing this I'm crying so hard I can hardlly seen the screen. I'm not strong. I'm not strong enough for this. Why would God ask this of me?

    When Travis was born I was told he would die. That was the prognosis they gave me. I prayed, begged God to spare my child certain death. He gave me a miracle. The docs made sure I knew that life for Travis was a miracle.

    All this years. His life has been so very hard. Each passing year it became harder still. I've watched him triumph when specialist told me he'd fail. We worked together to acheive each minor miracle. I've watched him touch others deeply. I've seen his life, his experiences, help other children in similar situations. I know how special he is.

    But this time I can't help him. Being a warrior Mom will mean nothing. If it's the leukemia I am going to lose him. I feel so helpless. He won't have those ten or more years. And there is nothing I can do to give it back to him.

    He's a difficult child in all theri glory. He can be a major PITA like any other difficult child. But he's MY difficult child. He is truely and literally my Gift from God. And I'm not ready to give him back yet.

    God help me. I've never been so scared in my life.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Lisa -

    I wish I had some words to soothe your heart. Just know that you and Travis are in my thoughts and prayers and I'm wrapping my arms around you in support.

  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa, I am so sorry you feel this is going to be the diagnosis. Far be it from me to disagree with a mother's intuition.
    When I lost my son, he was stillborn, one of the things that I could not get over is the memories I would never get to have with my son.

    This is not meant to make you feel better and could come across the wrong way. But, you have memories. You know his smile, his laugh, his walk, his voice, his favorite shirt, the nice things he has done, etc. It does not make it easier to think of losing him, but you will cherish those memories forever.

    Make as many as you can now.

    Huge hugs coming your way, Lisa!
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think what you are experiencing is very real, and scary. You aren't a know it all, you're a fantastic Mom and a good researcher who knows what can/will happen with a certain diagnoses.

    The WHY's of why we feel we're called to do some things in our lives is unexplainable. Pondering the pro's and cons of it all can literally make you crazy. Stopping the negative feelings is hard, but not impossible. It's just harder to do when you are directly involved and the other person involved is your son.

    I think a lot of times we forget that our children are a gift. We say difficult child here a lot. And some days it's because we're being sarcastic. Thinking about your child as a true gift, or a loan may help you put things into a better or manageable perspective for the time being. When Travis was born- he truly was a gift, wasn't he? I mean there was this little baby whom no one expected to survive - maybe no one but you. And he did. And he survives and lives today because you believed he would. Against all odds I would say Travis has remained with you and here. Aren't you so very lucky for that time? How much more wonderful this world has been because of him!!!!

    Yet now you are older - and time has gone by and you feel like your are coming unglued, and that just can't happen can it? You can't come unglued, you can't fall apart. You feel you MUST be this tower of stone and strength for everyone in your family. And Lisa - you just can't continue. And while you feel at this moment that all this grief is from Travis's condition, I don't think you've ever given yourself the credit you deserve or allowed yourself a moment to be sad. In not doing that over the years - it's built up. And now - you feel like you're literally going to implode. And if you dont' do something - you probably could.

    For what seems so obvious to me about your life is that you can't see what a strong, loving, caring person you really are. I don't think you look at the stressful things that have come at you over the years like shovels full of dirt out of a foundation - yet they have been. Just look at what you have accomplished in YOUR LIFE. You've been hit with some pretty stressful, NON STOP stressful times. How do you recoup from stressful when you just keep getting pounded with more and more stress every day? And now - you're feeling the full effects of EVERYTHING. BABY YOU ARE TIRED. TAKE A REST. FIND A WAY TO REGENERATE. TELL EVERYONE JUST TAKE A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I know the stress of watching a child loose his battle with life. It makes you nuts. I went through so many emotions in such a short time, standing there holding his hand watching him fight and eventually leave. Our other boy would be 27 in September - probably had a couple of kids by now - and while I don't think about him in a future tense - I can't stop once in a while from thinking about him period. But when I think - WHY ME? I figure that someone up above must have needed a rodeo clown and try to leave it at that because I know all too well that if I try to figure out WHY ME - I'm never going to get the answer. I can tell you that pulling out fists full of weeds and throwing them at heaven, in a rain storm while screaming was possibly therapeutic - my neighbors were a phone call away from the men with the white coat for me.

    Instead - after I was done - I thanked my higher power God for the time I had with 'his' child - that was loaned to me at birth to Mother and love, and spoil. And eventually it came to me that we're ALL someones child and eventually, if we're lucky we get to go home. And that's the bottom line you draw in the sand - fromg bargaining, to pleading, to grief to "well okay - at least open the gates for him please."

    In your case - I think it would be good if you had a friend just take you somewhere to work out some of the aggression you are feeling. Take a ballbat and go to a batting cage or go for a walk in the woods and beat a tree with a stick or if you want to go the the nut house - wait till it rains and pull up clumps of grass and curse in the direction of the rain - but find a way to get it out - and then.....I want you to remember the Mom that you were the day they said "Well Travis will probably not make it." and become her once more. Use that strength to make it another 17 or more years, it worked before - it could help you now...and in the mean time? Do the best you can, pound out your feelings on the computer.....and know you are loved and understood.

    and Love
  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am thinking of you during this very difficult time in your families life. I wish I could do anything more to help you... or Travis.
    Rest, go easy on yourself.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hugs. I can't imagine knowing that I could lose my child. I admire your strength and courage. Just remember it's okay to let your guard down.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Bless you all. You are my rock, I hope you know that.

    I'm hoping and praying with all my heart and soul that this time, this one time I am so very very wrong. God let it be so. I'm praying that what I've been feeling is just the stress coming to a head, and that I'm over-reacting because of the stress.

    Star and busy you are so very right. And I know that. There is not one doctor who can give a reason my son survived at birth. Not one. Not in all of the speicalists he's seen over the years. I've always know that each and everyday for him has been a gift, even as hard as it's been. I and cherish and am truely thankful for each of those days and all the wonderful memories, both the good and the bad.

    But right now I'm feeling very selfish, very self-centered.

    Two hours to go and I'm trying hard not to go into panic mode. I'm hoping husband will be home early. I didn't ask him this time. I don't know why I didn't. I should've asked him. But I'm doing my best to make this a no big deal thing til we know one way or the other.

    I really wish I'd ask him. :pouting:
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Hugs to you. Don't really have any words of advice as you seem to be doing what any person in your position would be doing.

    Keep coming back and getting your support. We're all here for you.

  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fingers crossed you have a broken intuition!

    Thinking of you and praying real hard that you are wrong, so wrong.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I want you to ALLOW yourself permission to worry over this. It's okay~and it's healthy to worry a little. Travis is your son. This is serious. When you find out what is going to happen; you will deal with it the best way you can. And please take a moment for yourself huh? You know you've been under so much for so long, with so little help it's a wonder your egg didn't crack a long time ago. So allow yourself this time to grieve and give yourself a break.

    Despite the outcome of this day - I would like for you to find the time to breathe on your own, for yourself, and accept what you can, and give yourself the courage to be okay with not being able to accept the rest right away.

    (snicker) ROCKY!
    I've been called a LOT of things before girl - but never been called a Rock - Um can I be a diamond? - Hey if you gotta be a rock - GO LARGE. Know what I mean??
  11. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    You and Travis are in my prayers.
  12. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I can't find the words to say what I'm feeling - I've never been through such a horrible situation and therefore, I don't think I'm in the best position to give you advice. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you, Travis, and the rest of your family...

    I think Star is right - it is ok to worry and grieve. It is impossible and I don't even think healthy, to be strong all the time. You have been through so much... You can pour your heart out here and we will be here for you...

    Please know I'm praying for Travis and for you and for your entire family. WFEN
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm praying the word is good.

  14. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Soft Cyber hugs Lisa - ..

  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Lisa, I would give you a huge hug if I were with you right now, and supply you with a boatload of tissues. You have earned the right to be "selfish and self-centered," because this is your son you're talking about and it is in your selfish self interest to ensure that he lives. If you didn't feel this way it would not be normal.
    It makes complete sense that you feel powerless, bereft ... and lonely for what the future may hold.
    "I am so sorry" sounds so lame. I don't know what else to say.
    Please let us know whatever you find out. We'll be here for you.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Sending many hugs and prayers for you both today. Know you are loved. As Ant'sMom's signature line reads, "God has a plan".
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I swear that was the strangest doctor appointment I've ever been to.

    Travis' red blood cell and platelet counts are normal. Which should not be with the polycythemia unless he's had bleeding. doctor said so herself. But Travis says he hasn't.

    So I'm thinking this is good.

    BUT (why is there always a BUT when it comes to Travis??) BUT two of his wbc counts came back abnormal. This she didn't like. BUt with Travis having been sick she is hoping it is the after affects of a virus. Although Travis hasn't had any symptoms of illness in the past 2 weeks.

    She wants him back in 2 wks. If it's the wbc's are still abnormal she has a whole boatload of other tests she will be running.

    Gee, seems like I've heard that before. Oh, yeah. Back when we were in the process of getting the polycythemia diagnosis.:faint: I was told not to worry, it's probably the aftermath of a virus.

    So now we wait. Again.

    In the meantime his blood results don't match his symptoms. His hands and feet shouldn't be red if his rbc's aren't sky high. And she kept repeating that it was "normal" like she couldn't believe it either.

    Not sure what to think now. I guess no news is good news. I'm going to hold on to that for now.

    Thanks again for the support.

  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Good news!!! I'm glad you can put that on the back burner for a few weeks and concentrate on school. You must be getting near the end now. Hopefully it's all viral related.
  19. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, I just read this thread. I'm glad that there wasn't something obvious. Hope springs eternal. I'm sure you will worry until you know for sure.
    Don't confuse strong and strength with unfeeling. You are his mom and you feel sadness, worry, anger and pain. Reining it in so you can function and not drown in it is a tool mom's use but those emotions are there none the less.

    If you can't feel these incredibly strong feelings for your child, then who would you feel them for?
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow, just wanted to send many many hugs. I just read this thread, and I feel so many things for you. However, hope is the one thing that popped out at me when I read everything. You have had so many miracles and blessings with Travis - and yet again today - you have had another one. Never give up hope - even when your mind is tricking you into doubting or believing the worst.

    Strength and peace your way.