I'm not really one to pour my heart out to people or wear my feelings on my sleeve. I'm good about keeping it together and plunging ahead. But if I don't get this out of me I'm not going to be able to make it thru this appointment. I'm losing it. I can't shake the feeling of dread that has been hanging over me like a shroud concerning Travis for the past week or so. I tell myself I'm just worried. It's normal to be worried. And yet I can be driving down the road, not even thinking about it, and suddenly it's like someone has shoved a knife thru my heart and I'm filled with overwhelming grief. The sobs come as if I've lost him. And I'm not a person given to tears, let alone sobbing. I can't discribe it very well with words. I'm not sure if there are words that can describe it. It keeps hitting me out of the blue like that. And is much much worse when I do let myself think about it. It doesn't make sense. This is grief, not worry. A whole different level from worry. I haven't told anyone this is going on. I'm still walking around the strong warrior Mom on the outside. But I'm coming unglued on the inside. I've seen the child thru so much over the years, losing his sight without a know cause, the unexplained neuro regressions, and then the polycythemia. Heck I didn't flinch with even the polycythemia diagnosis, although I'd done my research (which is why they looked for it) and new what he was in for if it was confirmed. I don't want to come off that I "know it all", but what terrifies me the most is that I've yet to be wrong when I've thought such and such is wrong with Travis. My instincts have always been dead on. This time if what I fear is right.........I'm going to lose my son. Ok. Polycythemia is terminal. But I thought we had years yet. At least ten or more. Not the same as what he could be facing now. If it's progressed to leukemia he is going to die, even if he gets treatment it will only be to delay the enevitable. Once I believed myself to be a strong woman. But as I'm typing this I'm crying so hard I can hardlly seen the screen. I'm not strong. I'm not strong enough for this. Why would God ask this of me? When Travis was born I was told he would die. That was the prognosis they gave me. I prayed, begged God to spare my child certain death. He gave me a miracle. The docs made sure I knew that life for Travis was a miracle. All this years. His life has been so very hard. Each passing year it became harder still. I've watched him triumph when specialist told me he'd fail. We worked together to acheive each minor miracle. I've watched him touch others deeply. I've seen his life, his experiences, help other children in similar situations. I know how special he is. But this time I can't help him. Being a warrior Mom will mean nothing. If it's the leukemia I am going to lose him. I feel so helpless. He won't have those ten or more years. And there is nothing I can do to give it back to him. He's a difficult child in all theri glory. He can be a major PITA like any other difficult child. But he's MY difficult child. He is truely and literally my Gift from God. And I'm not ready to give him back yet. God help me. I've never been so scared in my life.