Good morning FHW. It appears there are quite a few of us sandwiched between the generations as you are, you are clearly not alone. I am sorry you find yourself in these very challenging times, the dilemmas and choices some of us face on a daily basis are often beyond comprehension. My heart goes out to you, I truly understand, I think there are many here who really 'get it.' From your other posts it appears you are being scapegoated by your ex and his tribe and then in a position to have little support. An extremely difficult place to be.
Your post brought to mind my own strange journey with so much mental illness, so much drama brought to me by my parents, siblings, daughter, ex-husband.........the list is long, it's life long. As much as I always wanted a "normal" life, that has consistently eluded me. I realized when I was in the 7th grade, sleeping at a girlfriends house, that by comparison to the way her mother responded to my sudden illness,....... fever, throwing up, fatigue,.........what my mother used to call a 24 hour virus, I knew right then that something was very wrong with my family. I hadn't been able to really see or understand it before. I was 12 years old. Her mother was concerned, nurturing, caring, sat with me and held my hand, looked at me with tenderness and compassion, all of which was new to me.
I have had 21 years of personal therapy. I've had lots of body work since stress hides in the body and causes all kinds of issues. I've had to overcome a lot of fear and anxiety because I was not safe as a kid. I've had to accept what is and learn to detach from my only child. I raised my sister and am raising my granddaughter. Life has been, at times, very hard.
The other side of the coin, which I really believe has made all the difference, is a belief I have which is that life gives us lessons and to the degree that we learn them, we can find peace, contentment and joy. Not to say it's easy, but that way of looking at things has made a difference for me. It keeps me out of being a victim of the circumstances I have no control over. I try to find what the lesson is and then try to learn how to deal with it. The other important factor for me is gratitude. I look for things to be grateful for and focus on that. I once read, many years ago, that what we focus on expands. That made sense to me and my emotional body shifts when I am focusing on gratitude rather then what is wrong and what I can't control anyway. These are simply my ways of dealing with life, not meant to be the path for everyone.
Many of us here, Pigless, Star, Hound Dog, Janet, Midwestmom, Greenrene, and you, all have what therapists would call resilience. That resilience is born out of a strong commitment to life, a strength which overrides the pain and gives us the courage and compassion to move through it and offer a hand to others. Use us to buoy you up out of the deep waters, feel the collective power to address what's in front of you, see it clearly, take care of yourself well so you can make good solid choices that will be healthy for everyone. Your ex, his mother, his wife are stunted in their blame game, but you aren't, you can see clearly. It's tough being the person who sees the truth without the luxuries of judgement, it's lonely and scary. But you do it, one step at a time, just like you are. It sounds to me like you're doing a very, very good job of it.