Chrismas Memories with Gfg33

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SeekingStrength, Dec 21, 2014.

  1. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    During this season of hope and joy, gfg33 is much on my mind. husband and I have many memories of Christmases with difficult child. Some wonderful ones from when he was young. When he was two years old, husband and I were both in school and working: difficult child working and going to school full time, me working full time and finishing my Masters (part time). Money was tight. husband found a rusty wagon at Goodwill for $2.00. He sanded it and painted it bright red. difficult child's eyes were so wide when he rounded the corner and saw that wagon. Such joy. We have the photo. He was wearing a red plaid robe (also from Goodwill). It was a beautiful moment.

    Fast forward. I cannot remember which experiences go with which years. He was invited to spend Christmas with us every year after he moved out. He never showed. One time, he came during the night. We did not hear him. Took the $100 we had left in his stocking, but not his presents. Left the card and envelope on the floor.

    There was the time, he showed up about 4PM. I warmed him a plate of what we had at lunch....he took two bites of it. Said, I can't eat this stuff and walked out the door, after collecting his presents.

    Just last Christmas, when we were on the brink of detaching, but did not yet know that. He asked for money two times in December. We sent it to him, and let him know it was his Christmas money. difficult child said, Sure, sure I know. Thanks. A week later he was asking for more. Said he HAD to have $200 for flight down here. He had not told us earlier because he wanted to surprise us. This coming from somebody who had not seen us on Christmas for years (his choice). When I told him, we did not have the money ...that we had already given him his Christmas money and needed $300 to put our 14 yr old dog to sleep. Shortly afterwards, he sent an email that said, "Given the fact that you have the drama with your dog, I will not be stopping by."

    Guessing there many other incidents husband and I have plain blocked out.

    So, I guess the point of this diatribe is that anything husband and I miss was from many moons ago. Actually, right now, I just hope we do not receive a hateful email, text, whatever.

    We will have a blessed holiday with our other two offspring.
  2. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member


    "But...I thought you loved me." That is the taste of this kind of betrayal to me. "But...I thought you loved me...."

    It's such a shock.

    To finally allow ourselves to see it for what it's such a shock.

    The "drama" with your dog. I am so sorry. Making (or no longer being able to avoid) the decision to put our pets down is one of the most traumatic things we do in our lives. I remember this each time I commit to taking in a dog or a cat. That is why our animals are rescues. They sort of chose us. Even now, when I understand what will be coming at some's my responsibility to care for them properly in this way, but it is a very sad thing.

    When I needed to put one of our dogs down? difficult child daughter made it a point to be there, in the office, with me. She cried harder than I did.

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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry SS, some of our memories are pretty traumatic.

    I hope you and your husband can create new memories this Christmas...........ones with your two other kids and each other. Perhaps a few days away after the holidays with husband, a romantic holiday just for you guys.........get out of Dodge and enjoy your time together.

    My husband and are going to do that, right after the New January...........that rainy dark month, a road trip down south just for a couple of's so nice to look forward to...........

    Sending warm hugs SS..............
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh those memories. It is so sad when I try to remember happy memories from holidays or birthdays but there are more bad than good.
    I remember one year on my birthday the police came to my house to put the ankle tracking device on my difficult child. (not the kind of jewlery I was looking for) :wink:
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  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    And, this is a splendid idea. I've been on the computer --- looking for something different and not too far away. We took a cheap cruise in November - 7 glorious days of sun and fun. I see the same cruise is the same price the end of January. Now, i wish we had waited and taken it then. Getting away always helps me and the planning and looking forward to it.

    Thank you for all the kind replies. I told husband that, of all the sad stories on here, I do believe our gfg33 is the meanest/most hateful. Yep, i may deserve a trophy. :(
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Make sure to do something nice for yourselves on Christmas Day. Turn off the phones and go to the movies, take a drive somewhere you have never been, or plan a romantic picnic (weather allowing).

    husband and I have been starting to do these kind of things and it has really strengthened our relationship. I can honestly say those nights and days with him make life much more bearable.
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  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Your son is very cruel and cutting in the way he communicates with you. I remember your posting that he had asked something about whether you or husband were in Hell, yet.

    It was awful.

    We are so vulnerable to them.

    I just read Dangerous Personalities, by Joe Navarro. He is a former FBI profiler. He describes and then, provides checklists for four of the most dangerous personality types, along with anecdotal reports of the kinds of emotional, physical or financial damage they do to strangers, to their children, to their parents and extended family. I found it helpful. It is so important that we not absorb the toxicity. Learning about the patterns of behavior that go with certain personalities freed me from some of the hurt of it. It really wasn't me, it wasn't anything I did or did not do. There are people who hurt others ~ even, and maybe most especially, those who love and are therefore vulnerable to them, on purpose.

    The Menendaz boys are in this book.

    Do you remember, they murdered their parents and then, lied about them to justify the murders.

    It is better to know.

    Sometimes, reading material like this can help us make sense of what it was that happened to our families. I am sorry for the pain and the loneliness of it. A cruise is a great idea! Just the thing to bring your mojo back.



  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    SS, ouch. How painful for you and your husband to remember. There is just no explanation for such cruel behavior, or for many of the mean things our difficult children have done. I am so happy to hear you are going to make new Christmas memories, with people who treat you with the love you deserve.
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  9. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    It is going great. daughter and DS are here with us. Had a fun day.

    Out of the blue, an email arrives from gfg33's girlfriend this afternoon. She wished us a Merry Christmas, said We miss you, and attached three photos of the two of them, their tree and stockings and cat. I waited a few hours and responded with something along the lines of Merry Christmas to you. Thank you for the beautiful photographs. If you want, please send these to difficult child's grandmother as she was recently diagnosed with heart failure and spent time in hospital and rehab...and is doing much better now.

    My mom emailed me this evening to say she had received the photos. She was very pleased and planned to print them off. I knew it would make her happy to see difficult child's face in the photo.

    husband and I seriously doubt the girlfriend knows about the hateful text difficult child sent my husband a couple weeks ago. So, we decided to keep it short and friendly. If she emails again, and it looks like they are trying get all friendly (meaning, probably wanting Christmas $$), husband and I will be ready. This third email surprise did not freak us out like the first two.

    Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You sound great SS. It's so good to know the script isn't it? Not too many surprises, and maybe it will end with the nice email.

    Have a wonderful holiday and a really nice time on your get-a-way with husband.

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    How cool for you, SS!!!! Glad for the nice holiday and even the pix from difficult child's girlfriend!!!!
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I love it that you are able to handle this with such steadiness. I agree the girlfriend is feeling you out, softening you up, and that it is best to be prepared.

    It is never easy, but you're handling this so well! Very proud and happy for you that this is so. It has been a real battle for you and husband, I know.

    I am very sorry to hear that your mother has been so ill. It must have brightened
    the day for everyone when she received the pics and they made her so happy.

  13. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    It is Christmas Day and my son, 33, has not called or anything. Well, he did call last night, for money. I guess I should count my blessings as he is 3700 miles away. But very lonely depressing is everything. I have not posted here in awhile as I can't figure out on iPad how to start a post. Merry Christmas to all.
  14. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    SS, I am so happy to read all of this news. I too think that there might be some gamesmanship involved with girlfriend. Perhaps girlfriend doesn't even know the full extent of that yet. But I love how you and husband were able to accept the pictures, and to find a way to help brighten your mom's Christmas too.

    Annie, I'm so sorry. I hope you were able to find some joy today, even if it is just to know that your son is OK and that you were able to keep your boundaries in place.
  15. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    Hugs. This won't help but we did not hear from our gfg33. We do not care to this year, but there have been other Christmases when a phone call or text would have been very welcome. I think the 3700 mi away is a good thing. I hope, as time progresses, your son comes around. And, that tonight and tomorrow, you are focusing on you. Do whatever makes you feel good and do as much of that as you can take.

    Stay close to this board. In my darkest time with difficult child, I would check this board about a dozen times a day...reading posts from way back when. It sure helped.