Chloesmom ~ I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I also have a lot of experience as a mom of a son with Bipolar disorder.
She has been working with a case worker and outreach worker to get income/disability assistance and housing. It’s slow going.
Yes it is slow, and probably a lot slower than you could imagine right now. My son has had a diagnosis and lots of support since he was very young. Then when he hit 16/17ish he started down a bad path, trying to fit in and be accepted, socially he just didn't make it so he tried to make up for it. Anyway by the time he was your daughters age things were totally out of control. He had proven to me in many ways that he couldn't live in my house. Not that I got the memo, I paid for him to be in half way houses (drinking and any kind of drugs he could get his hands on gave him a dual diagnosis), a very expensive failure to launch program, disastrous short stints back home, and friends houses. Then for years after I continued with the half way houses and friends houses, even short stays at motels. In the middle of all of this he had multiple hospitalizations, both voluntary and involuntary. Along the line, when he was maybe 23/24 the hospital social worker connected him with a non-profit mental health organization. For a couple of years they offered services at their location with a social worker and a voucher for him to find a place to live and they would pay. He never found a place to live because in his hypo-manic, non-medicated state during those years he thought he was providing a landlord with money that should give him some sort of special privileges. So the voucher date ran out. He had found a friends house who's father, for some reason I can only guess at, put up with him for a couple of years, and then they were done. Finally the mental health organization got him an apartment two years ago. Along with that apartment comes a social worker who meets with him every week. It has not been without major problems, two involuntary hospitalizations including full on psychosis. But "he listens to them", as he hasn't to me since he was in his late teens. He doesn't have the past reminders with them, the shame I think he carries with him from his past actions with me, and on their part they have concern for him but know whatever he does is solely in his control. And so since they put him in that apartment he decided that he does have a mental illness instead of PTST from his fictional abuse situation he worked out as an excuse for himself in his early 20's. He now takes medication, took a year for him to get somewhat stable, probably the best he's going to get to considering the severity of his mental illness, hard for me to say but it is what it is. Now though, I get to be his cheerleader and his advisor for the most part as long as I am able to keep emotions out of it. His life is not what I would want for him but much better than he had for 10 years prior.
So that was my long-winded way of saying things most likely will not work out with the urgency you feel, the urgency I felt, but they can still work out. I think in hindsight I got in the way, for years, trying to help, when my help was not really helpful. I think your daughter needs to know you love her and you are there for her in a heartfelt emotional way but as an adult who's making her own decisions those decisions are hers as are the consequences.
Which leads me to:
know I need to find myself some support. It is almost unbearable this pain.
Yes you do. I did, as someone who prided myself on getting through anything in the past, I totally lost myself trying to save my son from himself. I was so resourceful, could handle anything with my house, could handle anything with stressful family situations, could handle anything in my successful business, could handle anything as my son was growing up. I was the $hit, until I wasn't. I was brought to my knees by my son's situation once he had control of it. I was humbled to the point where I felt like a total failure and inadequate to the extent I questioned my every move. A therapist who specializes in troubled adult children, NAMI, families anonymous wherever you feel you belong is probably the most important for you right now. Put that oxygen mask on, you won't be helpful to your daughter until you get the help for yourself first. I wish my confusion and pride had not stopped me from getting the help I needed back then. I thought for private therapists, what can they say, what do they know, don't want to hear more lame advice from people who don't know how different it is in my circumstances as I had when my son was growing up from people with "normal" lives. And for support groups I thought I don't want to hear other people's problems and say "thanks for sharing" with no answers. But it's different in the right setting, if you don't hit on something that feels like you are getting what you need, keep looking, the right support is out there.
finally:
It’s especially hard when she’s depressed because I know it’s not her fault that she has this mood disorder but me trying to rescue her and make her take ownership hasn't been working.
In my son's case, during this hardest time for him, this time when his typical bravado, nasty, hypo-manic state was gone and he was facing the reality of his life was the worst time, for him, and for me. But during these times, after many attempts, I learned not to rescue him. I didn't think the support my son had from the social worker was enough, and sometimes realistically it wasn't at first. But eventually it was the combination of my son's worst times and support from others in the mental health realm that was what made him finally take responsibility for himself. These times are very hard for us to tell them how much we love them, how much we are in their corner, but not jump in and cave to their desperate pleas, hellish, heart wrenching crap that no one should have to experience, not our adult children, not us. But they do, and we do. I am under no illusion that this will not continue sometime in the future with my son, but at least I have a pretty good road map now. Love them, no matter what, tell them so they don't forget, and let them do what they do with their lives.
Chloesmom, keep posting, we are with you, we get it. I'm praying for you, your daughter, and your family. This truly is a soft place to land, realistic, but soft in the long run as we are all so deeply understanding of our unique situations .