deep hole in the sidewalk is still there

[MommaMella]

Spoiler Alert: I'm ticked off and too tired and worn down for hope and compassion. It'll pass. I'm gonna finish writing this and then I'm going to take a hot bath and wash this negativity off of me and have some tea.

Fell for it again...daughter baited me into talking to her about the recent events. She had clammed up for days because she hates us. Hates me mostly. I'm the target. That's ok. Today she came in my room and layed on my bed when I was working on my laptop...Acting as if everything is fine and everyone is fine... Talking about all kinds of things - dreams, movies... And after a long while daughter asked if we could just talk about recent events - no yelling I promise she said - meaning she wanted to talk about husband and I going to the school about Demonboy and our feelings about him. I told her I did not want to argue but she insisted that we needed to talk. How are we going to move forward if we arent talking? (theres the guilt) This from the child that cold shouldered me after telling me she hates me and to F off. (why didnt I think of this then) Long story short is she started the talk by saying all her choices were hers to make and Demonboy was just an innocent bystander in all of this...we have gravely misjudged him apparently because...hes good...he understands her...he is her everything...etc (Total opposite of the night she broke down and cried about him being awful for and to her, the drugs, the lies, him hurting her, him being mean to her...all taken out of context she says...she was confused then and just wanted to blame someone and picked him she says...total opposite of what she texted to her friends...total opposite of what my gut told me the minute I saw that kid) and when I calmly said I just could not trust nor believe her at this time but hoped that with counselling one day we could have trust again in our relationship - she turned... She got angry - said keeping her away from her friends is wrong, I am wrong, I don't know what I'm talking about...etc. (Mind you she has been "grounded" for a total of 1 week today.) I kept calm throughout saying daughter you see things one way and we see things another and talking about it is not going to change it right now but counselling will help and variations of that. Finally I couldn't do it anymore just started crying - couldnt help it and asked her to leave my room. She flat out refused. I just repeated daughter Please leave. Please go. I need you to go. Refused over and over....so I cried harder. And she finally got up and left yelling at me "See!!! Look at you!! See how crazy you are?? You need counseling!!" Door slam.

Husband came home and I told him all about it. He talked to her. Same stuff but not "at him" the same way. He basically concluded that she is living in a different reality and there is no convincing her otherwise right now. I honestly didnt want to...didnt want to discuss it at all. husband told her she owes me an apology. She came in a gave a very cool detached insincere speech putting on airs like shes being the bigger person = "I'm sorry. I may have come in a little hot there. And I guess I said you were crazy. Sorry about that. I just hope one day we will be able to move forward from this and have a good relationship." <-- pretty sure I said that exact thing to her but guess what - I meant it.

So my question is this moment (and yes I am hurt and angry) Is my child that entrenched in this bs with Demonboy and her so called friends that she has lost touch with reality - or - does she know exactly what's going on and what she does to people and what shes doing to herself but just doesn't give a .

Oh - and here's another kicker: we found out she passed her drug test. I am of course relieved but why doesn't that make me jump for joy? Because I know the smug I told ya so's are coming and this little tidbit will be used to perpetuate her distorted reality. The counselor said that it really doesn't mean anything because this level of test doesn't detect everything she has done (and the one that does costs $1000)- it was just the timing of the test was in her favor this time.

I can't help but think of a poem that I'm sure most of you know but I'm gonna post it anyway.

When will I learn to walk down another street?...or better yet, when will she?

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

 

[mof]

I'm stuck on chapter 3.....wishing demon boy would vanish, but guess what, someone would replace him.


Let's wash off the negativity.....you and I may not have a mental illness...but I'm convinced I could catch one nowadays!!

Peace Mom...your doing your best

 

[Crayola13]

Spoiler Alert: I'm ticked off and too tired and worn down for hope and compassion. It'll pass. I'm gonna finish writing this and then I'm going to take a hot bath and wash this negativity off of me and have some tea.

Fell for it again...daughter baited me into talking to her about the recent events. She had clammed up for days because she hates us. Hates me mostly. I'm the target. That's ok. Today she came in my room and layed on my bed when I was working on my laptop...Acting as if everything is fine and everyone is fine... Talking about all kinds of things - dreams, movies... And after a long while daughter asked if we could just talk about recent events - no yelling I promise she said - meaning she wanted to talk about husband and I going to the school about Demonboy and our feelings about him. I told her I did not want to argue but she insisted that we needed to talk. How are we going to move forward if we arent talking? (theres the guilt) This from the child that cold shouldered me after telling me she hates me and to F off. (why didnt I think of this then) Long story short is she started the talk by saying all her choices were hers to make and Demonboy was just an innocent bystander in all of this...we have gravely misjudged him apparently because...hes good...he understands her...he is her everything...etc (Total opposite of the night she broke down and cried about him being awful for and to her, the drugs, the lies, him hurting her, him being mean to her...all taken out of context she says...she was confused then and just wanted to blame someone and picked him she says...total opposite of what she texted to her friends...total opposite of what my gut told me the minute I saw that kid) and when I calmly said I just could not trust nor believe her at this time but hoped that with counselling one day we could have trust again in our relationship - she turned... She got angry - said keeping her away from her friends is wrong, I am wrong, I don't know what I'm talking about...etc. (Mind you she has been "grounded" for a total of 1 week today.) I kept calm throughout saying daughter you see things one way and we see things another and talking about it is not going to change it right now but counselling will help and variations of that. Finally I couldn't do it anymore just started crying - couldnt help it and asked her to leave my room. She flat out refused. I just repeated daughter Please leave. Please go. I need you to go. Refused over and over....so I cried harder. And she finally got up and left yelling at me "See!!! Look at you!! See how crazy you are?? You need counseling!!" Door slam.

Husband came home and I told him all about it. He talked to her. Same stuff but not "at him" the same way. He basically concluded that she is living in a different reality and there is no convincing her otherwise right now. I honestly didnt want to...didnt want to discuss it at all. husband told her she owes me an apology. She came in a gave a very cool detached insincere speech putting on airs like shes being the bigger person = "I'm sorry. I may have come in a little hot there. And I guess I said you were crazy. Sorry about that. I just hope one day we will be able to move forward from this and have a good relationship." <-- pretty sure I said that exact thing to her but guess what - I meant it.

So my question is this moment (and yes I am hurt and angry) Is my child that entrenched in this bs with Demonboy and her so called friends that she has lost touch with reality - or - does she know exactly what's going on and what she does to people and what shes doing to herself but just doesn't give a .

Oh - and here's another kicker: we found out she passed her drug test. I am of course relieved but why doesn't that make me jump for joy? Because I know the smug I told ya so's are coming and this little tidbit will be used to perpetuate her distorted reality. The counselor said that it really doesn't mean anything because this level of test doesn't detect everything she has done (and the one that does costs $1000)- it was just the timing of the test was in her favor this time.

I can't help but think of a poem that I'm sure most of you know but I'm gonna post it anyway.

When will I learn to walk down another street?...or better yet, when will she?

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

The things your daughter said about her boyfriend sounds like Battered Wife Syndrome. Of course, they're not married, but he has done a real brainwashing job on her. Is he the first boyfriend she has had? What he is doing is classic abuse. There might be a support group in your city. Hopefully, the survivors in the support group who suffered the same abuse can make her see him for what he truly is.

 

[BusynMember]

Demonboy is a pain. But don't think your sweet daughter would be back if he just disappears. She is right that she is choosing this path. Even if you move there are kids and boys like this at every school. She has to change what she does and how she behaves to attract a better group of kids. My daughter had a nasty crowd in high school. Homeschooling her didn't keep her from them.She'd sneak out at night and then introduce us to new friends she claimed were good kids +(they never really were).

Getting her help is best right now. She needs to change her values before she turns 18 and it is out of your hands.

 

[Percy]

I am a volunteer crisis advocate of victims of sexual assault and domestic violence, so while I am not an expert, I have had much first hand contact with similar situations. Maybe I can offer some objective context that will be helpful.

It takes women and average of 7 times leaving an abuser to actually leave for good. The fact that your daughter didn't drop him for good the first time she "left him" (or stated she wanted out, begged your for help, etc. which is probably the 15 year old equivalent of leaving and going to your sister's/mother's/friends for the weekend and then going back) is not surprising. The yo-yo dynamic is a familiar one in respect of abusive relationships (abusive in any manner - physically and/or verbally and/or emotionally and/or financially and/or surveilling/control.)

There may be elements of teen selfish manipulative behavior too - you know your daughter best -- but I wanted to note that sincerely wanting to leave an abusive relationship, and even leaving, but then going back, and sincerely wanting to be back in the relationship, is incredibly common. Abuse is about power and control. A victim's normative baseline shifts; they adapt to a new normal for many reasons. So, when someone is the victim of an abusive partner, it often takes several times until the cognitive dissonance between the relationship as imagined and hoped for, and the reality, becomes great enough for the victim to start to perceive the dissonance.

 

[Kathy813]

That poem was shared at a NAMI meeting that my husband and I attended. I found it very powerful. Thank you for sharing it with the CD members.

~Kathy