Dear Depression,
Hi, You know something. I don't know if I would know normal, or happy, or balanced or any semblance of such things if it bit me square on the ****. This I tell you in truth. Why? To make you sadder? More sad? eh...no not really. Just chuckling out loud a bit. I sit an I think sometimes "If the whole world sat down and told God at one time all their woes where would He go?" I mean I know he's God and all, but seriously we're all such a whiney, needy lot. I just sit back some days and think about all the **** I whine about and while I don't whine or even pray about it anymore (I figure whats the use) I think about all the people that do and I think Jesus must just have such a freakin headache ya know? Does it balance out with all the "Thank you for my new car, and thanks for my perfect boyfriend, and thank you for the lotto ticket and thank you for whatever?" YOu suppose it can? - Because between you and me? I'm pretty danged down in the dumps with what seems like a LIFE......((((((wait a minute I want you to get the full brunt of this statement)) so I run to the edge of the canyon for a perfect echo......A LIFE THAT NEVER SEEMS TO CEASE FROM ****.......****........****.........****.......****......**** x20....... I don't know if that's depression or if it's like someone in Old New Orleans got my Voodoo doll and keeps poking it with safety pins. I say safety pins because straight pins have to work out eventually but safety pins got stick and lock mechanism. Know what I mean??
I swear to you somehow I must have taken the wrong road in life to Disney and gotten on the ride that said LIFE DISASTER......and the dang thing refuses to stop spinning. I opted for it's a small world.....and instead I hopped one of them rides in the dark and the stupid thing is still going around and around and around....in the disaster scenario. I'm 49 for Pete sake. Eventually there has got to be an EXIT. okay? But that would seem too much like right. SO I just keep goin round and round. and round. Sorta like a dysfunctional Pirates of the Carribean. Sans the Carribean. And whats worse is I have motion sickness, and I'm pretty sure along the way I've developed an allergy to children, and probation officers, school officials, judgemental parents, psychiatrists, so-called friends, sunshine, (I hate sunshine rrrrrrr) bill collectors, the witch at the prison that opens the mail and decides that my letters are too long or too this or too that, the weather man, people with perfect lives that are too stupid to realize how stupid they are, mail lady, the dingus behind me that owns 12 beagles in a residential neighborhood and just acquired a rooster, the dumbass that just opened a convenient store at the end of my road and thought OH JOY I should open a package liquor store because well that's a way to make money and no one sells liquor out here. The reason no one sold it is because now people are shooting at your stupid butt, and gun fire is a weekly occurrence....YEAH I hope they renew your liquor license...NUMNUTS..Walmart.......did I say that yet???? (looks) no...Okay walmart.....Yeah....Walmart. What a genius idea to put 10000000 products under one roof and then put one till out with one cashier that is not educated past the 3rd grade to run it. On my only day off. THEN ???? Just for ****s and grins.....instead of TOTAL he hits/// I'm being held up at GUN POINT .....and I'm the one in line trying to pay for my items. (DiD I mention I have a bad back and take 3 kinds of pain pills and can not get on the ground when ordered to do so?) And the kid that pushed the button was actually checking his iPhone when the LAw go there....NO BIG deal says he......yup he only sent 5 officers to the walmart......guns and lights a blazin says I........nincompoop. (Did I mention I hate babies that cry? I n Walmart) ......yeah add that to my list of fun things I love.
And then I get my items checked on the way out by the greeter?????? ARE YOU SERIOUS??????? I think she was M.......essing with me. by the way the kid doesn't work there any more. THey caught him plugging his earbuds in while he was cashiering. Yeah nothing to do with MY incident. EARBUDS.....go figure.
And I work for 911....My fiancé is disabled 110%, my kids in prison.....and I sent him art books that they deemed "TATTOOEY" ....it's ZEN art for crying out loud. ZEN as in SHOULD RELAX him.....he keeps to himself and draws.....but no.....it's contraban.....return it. OMG.....OH EMMMMMM GHEEEEEE. #$*&$#(%#......and fiancé ........yeah lets not go there. MK? MK!! hahahahahaha.
The doctor nincompoop refused to write my prescriptions unless I saw the gyno - saw her......she's not brilliant. Didn't even ask about my sex life. Not even a word. Did not even ask what kind of BC I was on----which Is NONE. Wouldn't you think she'd be curious.....why none? Yeah......and Redbook said - if she's the kind of GYNO that makes you take your clothes off BEFORE you even meet her? She's not worth going back to. And voila....I was nude and waiting..45 minute to see her for an exam that lasted less than 3 mins. I felt so violated and cheap. (lol )
FEELING BETTER YET????? Then I got home and my dog has to have surgery. $200.00 bada bing bada boom.......tumors and ear is puffy,
And to make matters worse....I lost my CDL because the guy that hit me in Dec. caused me to go on pain pills to manage 12/ hr shifts. Well the pain pills disqualify me from driving trucks.....and the pain management guy who said he'd help me with a letter threw me under the 18 wheeler......so NOW I'm stuck at 911. ta da.......making about $250.00 a week for 40 hour shifts.
and this is all in about a week.........and I find out yesterday that instead of getting out and coming back to our home......my son is now having to go back to PRISON in FL.......and do 3 more years there. So I probably won't see him until he's like 30.
I dont' feel like having Christmas EVER.......or any h oliday......ever.
BUT......my advice to you is........DO things that make YOU feel happy, and makes YOU feel better......and Makes YOU feel good about YOURSELF.....because there sure as a bear growls in the woods is NOT ANYONE else out in the world going to do it for you. Stop waiting for anyone or anything out there to happen to make it happen. Daughter, Holiday, Weather......Husband.....House......Make things happen YOURSELF.
DO THINGS FOR YOURSELF. THAT MAKE YOU HAVE SOMETHING .............ANYTHING to LOOK FORWARD TO DOING SOMETHING........if it's even something as simple as trying to find all 2013 year pennies.....or painting a room......and doing it all yourself.......or teaching yourself a new language, or craft or going to a class. LIFE is short. TOO SHORT and the morgue is full of should wished I couldas.....and I bet if any one of those people could be reanimated.......they would do something for THEMSELVES. NOT for someone else.
It will make you feel better. I'm painting the house.....wall by wall.....spackling.....I don't care what anyone thinks. I don't care how long it takes. And I have gotten into the habit of writing down goals. And crossing my lists off. It helps with depression a lot. Sounds goofy but it works . Even if I do TWO things a day.....I look at my list at the end of the week and it's like - MAN I did SOMETHING. Even if it's pull a hand full of grass along the border of the fence......one handful a day. At the end of the week........I have about 2 ' done. More than I had last week.......and I'm beating depression a hand full at a time. At my own pace without pills.
Eh.....I'm also known to go on tirades and pound the **** out of the guy with the 2000 beagles and demand he make those stupid hunting dogs quiet...but after 4 years.....my Christianity , patience and kindness are gone/ shot and I'm not so sure that's depression......just common sense. besides....not one yapper has opened his flapper for nearly a week and 1/2....and I'm sure no one in the neighborhood is going to come to my house and say Gall dang Star.....how mean were you!? .....(holding my breath on that one.......right.)
LRIGHT NOW GET OUT THERE....AND DO ..........SOMETHING.
I DON'TK NOW WHAT........
BUT SOMETHING.....START SMALL-----2 THINGS ON A LIST.......DO THEM......CROSS TH EM OFF.........EVEN IT IT'S ......I water plants, I sweep sidewalk...... THEN LIST 2 THINGS FOR TOMORROW......AND WHEN THEY'RE DONE......CROSS THEM OFF....AND SO ON. sOUNDS DOOFY....BUT GIVE IT A TRY HUH? (Sounds more fun when you say it like Archie Bunker) .
Hugs & Love
Star