difficult child got kicked out again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by welcometowitsend, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. He texted me today and asked me for our previous addresses (was pretty rude about it too, but, whatever) . I was busy and had to drive so I told him I'd call him later.

    So I called him around dinner time and I did a good job of being very friendly. Turns out he's been kicked out of the place where he was staying. He went from being part of the family to getting kicked out. I'm not surprised. He says "That's ok, it's happened before." No kidding - felt like asking him who the common denominator was? but I was a good girl and kept my mouth shut. I did tell him that I still considered him part of my family.

    He is staying with the first friend he crashed with in November & the first half of December. Not sure if they'll let him stay or not. I think their plan is likely for him to stay temporarily until he can get on social assistance and get his own place to live.

    So, I guess he has finally decided to get off his butt and apply for social assistance. I'm not sure he will even get it because he has to meet their qualifications. He has to be attending school full time. I'm not sure if they look at his past attendance or only his attendance once he is on SA. Then he either has to have someone like a Guidance Counsellor state that they believe he is being abused or we have to tell SA that he is not allowed to come home. It can't be just because he can't follow the rules.

    This will be interesting to see how this plays out. If he claims abuse and we get investigated by Children's Aid and there is any trauma to easy child I may have a very hard time getting past that - I know husband and easy child will. I know in the long run we will be clear of any suspicion but in the short term it could be scary. To think that he might do that just so he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants is making me angry already.

    If SA calls me and asks why we kicked him out I will tell them the truth. He wouldn't go to school, was disrespectful and wouldn't follow any of our rules. If he chooses to get counselling, shows us a change in attitude and is willing to follow rules and show respect he can come back - but not before. He probably won't qualify if I tell them that. I will also tell them that I have concerns for easy child as I caught difficult child with incestuous pornography on his computer. That may qualify him because we are not sure if we want him to come back because of that. I know he's never touched her and it was probably just stupid adolescent curiosity but with all the other behaviour thrown in it makes me nervous and would keep me on guard. easy child does have a lock on her bedroom door (automatically locks so she doesn't even have to remember).

    I told difficult child he was a very resourceful young man and I knew he could figure things out. Told him I loved him and said I'd love to hear from him and ended the conversation.

    Anyway, it's always something new and interesting with a difficult child.
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Ugh! He really doesn't want to stop digging the hole deeper for himself, does he? But maybe that is what he needs to do. And they really can climb surprisingly quickly back up, when they put their mind to that.

    I hope you will not have to deal with CPS or if you have to, it is painless enough (we didn't have a bad experience with CPS at all, when we had to deal with them because of difficult child's truancy issues.) It goes a long way with them when you are sober, sane, cleanly and appropriately dressed and have clean enough house. If one is middle class, educated and financial stable and presents well it may even go too far... (Yeah, there was one time we really should had been in deep trouble with CPS, but no one even questioned much even in suspicious circumstances, there protocol should had been clear because the good appearance.)

    Thing with your difficult child is, at least based on what you have told us, that you telling him that he is a resourceful young man isn't empty talk. He really is that. And I strongly believe that sooner or later he finds himself bored to digging and finds a way out from the hole he is in.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I just wanted you to know I had read your post, Welcome.

    This all sounds really scary.

    I admire the way you handled this so painful situation.

    Sending strength.

  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, darn. But, as you have said, he finds a way. I think this has gone on so long now, with multiple people asking him to leave, that it does show that he might just be the issue, even to cps.

    Stay strong. Holding your hand thru cyber space.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You handled it very well WTW. As always. He is doing what might be considered to be 'normal' behavior for our difficult child's...........kind of par for the course. The very good news is that you seem okay and you seem detached to some degree, it is what it is and you can't control it. Hang in there. Sending you hugs and saying a prayer that your difficult child finds his way to a safe place..................
  6. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    WTW- I think you handled the situation beautifully! Sometimes it's so hard to be "friendly" when our difficult child's are so rude. Trust me - there are times when I want to be as rude to difficult child as he is to me but it would accomplish nothing but more drama and heartache in our lives. Sigh.

    I don't blame you about being cautious about having difficult child around your easy child. The fact that you are worried about easy child's safety will definitely be an argument in your favor is CPS should ever contact you.

    Great job at staying neutral and friendly to difficult child. You're doing an amazing job! Sending you hugs!!!
  7. Thanks everyone. So far I haven't heard much more.

    I did text difficult child yesterday because he is supposed to have a psychiatric appointment on Monday morning and was giving me a hard time about going a few weeks ago. So, he has decided not to go to his appointment and I'm positive he is off his antidepressants again. It's been a full 2 months since we filled a 30 day prescription. Sigh. So, I cancelled the psychiatrist because I don't want to get stuck paying the $200 fee for a no-show.

    Someone pointed out to me that I should tell SA that we don't want him back so he will qualify. That way he will have to go to school to get the money. He has no intention of coming home anyway, and there is a part of me that really doesn't want the drama back on a daily basis so there might be a silver lining to all of this anyway. Something has changed for him - he has been to class more this week than he has all semester. That's not to say he's been to every class - just more classes. :)

    I'm not going to worry about CPS for now. We had a mental health police officer and a social worker from a mental health crisis agency in our home for an unannounced visit when difficult child was in the psychiatric ward for threatening suicide at school. They spent about 90 minutes with us and saw no problems - they showed up at dinner on a Friday night. Dinner had to be turned off and put on hold and the house was reasonably clean. So, we've been there done that already. The only thing I worry about is if easy child has to go through a screening or interview process - how will she feel afterwards? Will she feel violated by difficult child that she had to endure that? Anyway - not worrying about it till it happens.

    easy child and I are off tomorrow for a girls weekend. She has a 4 day dance competition. Should be relaxing and a lot of fun.