difficult child has turned a corner and this is how I feel...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    ..I'm trying not to be miserable...I'm just so disappointed and angry and feel so desolate. I can feel her slipping away. It's not about wanting to control her or force her to take medications...it's that she's just so ****** at me and I don't know why....wtf? I want a normal life for her. I want her and E to be happy and he needs to grow a backbone but he won't. She is my little bean and I can feel her slipping away.

    I feel like I've lost the battle of my life.

    I knew it was bound to happen and I knew that at some point she would freak out, knowing that she really and truly has bipolar...she doesn't even know what that means. I'm just distraught, I'm so sorry for going on about it.

    I never thought I would have this day or this feeling. I honestly tricked myself into thinking that she was different, that we were different, that she would beat the odds and we would all live happily ever after. Fml.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my, H&R, I am so very sorry. God, I know how you feel. I'm not sure what triggered your feelings, if it was an event, or you just tripped over some element of truth you hadn't been willing to really look at before............whatever it is, it hurts like the dickens to have these kinds of feelings.

    I don't think you lost the battle of your life at all, I wouldn't frame it that way, that feels so final and horrible. I would (and do) look at it like this is a stage in your acceptance of 'what is.' Believe me, some of those steps are really, really hard. Nothing is over until it's over and this is not, there are a million scenarios that may play out to wake your daughter up. BUT, in the meantime, as her Mom, what you are facing is a possible outcome which you've dreaded and learning to accept that outcome is tough. I completely understand that, I've been on that path for some time now and it has many, many moments of pain, oddly followed by a sense of liberation. I know that sounds odd, but in reality, what you're doing is facing the hard truth of what is or what is possible. That's hard on us Mom's. But like that adage proclaims, the truth will set you free. And it does. Just after all the feelings subside.........Right now there may not be much you can do for your daughter, but there is plenty you can do for you, keep posting, call a girlfriend, talk to others who care about you, get a massage, have dinner with girlfriends, or your husband, go do things you enjoy and take your mind off of your difficult child for awhile.................focus on you.............have your feelings and then get some support for yourself. These realizations are hard, do very kind and nurturing things for yourself, hang in there, we're here for you..............hugs...........
  3. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending u hugs .You will be in our prayers Rabbit
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Bipolar is not a diagnosis that is easy to accept, for one thing look at the stigma attached to it. Have you given info on the diagnosis to difficult child to read? If she doesn't know the reality that is this diagnosis, well of course she's going to be believing what every person's ill informed version of it is supposed to be instead of the truth. That would be scary as hell, to be frank.

    I don't think you've lost the battle either. I think you've just come to another blip in the road to acceptance on her part and having the reality that you can't fix it smack you upside the head. The latter happens to all of us eventually. We might *think* we've accepted their gfgdom, but trust me......you know it when that moment comes when you realize no matter what is done they will never be "normal". It's like having someone walk up and punch you right in the gut. What it is though.......is suddenly realizing your active role in the "fight" to get better is over. Believe it or not, that can take quite a transition. I remember when I reached that point with Travis I felt not only like I'd been punched in the gut but that someone had cut off my arms. After that though....comes the true acceptance.....and in my humble opinion comes a sort of "peace" and when real detachment begins.

    I think of it as an after effect of years and years working so hard to get them as near easy child status as possible. Know what I mean??

    As RE said, be kind and gentle with yourself and do things that help you feel better. This is a tough phase to work through emotionally.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry this hit you like this. I hope G can come to her senses and learn that bipolar isnt such a bad thing. In fact she can have fun with it once she gets it under control. I have seen cool T shirts that I am dying to get about being bipolar which are funny as all get out.

    I do know what you mean though about E getting a backbone. I am convinced Billie has something and wouldnt be surprised if it was bipolar but he just ignores it and lets her do what she wants. It kills me. I dont know where his passivity came from but it certainly wasnt me...lol.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is old enough for you to tell exctly that.....you feel her slipping away...and ask her how you can help her not keep sliding. Just be honest.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    NOBODY NOBODY NOBODY says things in the kind, compassionate and honest way of Recovering Enabler. She must be one of t he kindest people on earth. But I'll try (I hate to follow her).

    First of all, I think most of the female kids who get us this far (Parent Emeritus) do have mood disorders, but also have other problems, such as drug abuse and/or personality disorders, such as borderline. Borderline and bipolar have a lot in common an d often co-exist, but borderlines do not tend to have any insight into their behavior and often t hey can not have relationships...they sabotage all of them. I am NOT saying your daughter has this, but I do think s he has some traits. And if she maybe has some traits, when they screw up their relationships, it is always somebody else's fault. By all means, encourage her to treat her bipolar. That is NOT being a bad parent. It would be nice, and comforting to you and, in the end, probably to her to, if medications helped her because her life seems to be constant fighting and chaos. I'm afraid E. is not all that stable either, but difficult children tend to find other difficult children. I guess I'm trying to throw out there that maybe there is even more going on than bipolar and that none of this...none at all...is either logical or your fault. It's perhaps just the way she is.

    This type of life and relationship with our kids is NOT what we dream about when we first hold that baby. It is very hard to change our goals and expectations. Maybe it's time to detach and to concentrate on your own life (you are a good person) and your loving husband and other daughter who are able to treat you the way you deserve. Sounds like you have done all you can for your other daughter and the rest is up to her. I speak to you as somebody whose adopted son walked away six years ago and will never come back. I loved him as if I had given birth to him and did not see this coming. I had to grieve it almost as if it were a death. I recommend therapy. Therapy helped me see that the way S. is is because he has issues that are not even related to me. In time, I was able to move on. Fortunately for you, I doubt Daughter will ever completely cut you out of her life and you'll be able to keep tabs on her, but you can still go on and have a good life with those family and friends you have who can appreciate your kind, giving nature and reciprocate. You deserve a great rest-of-your-life.

    Gentle hugs.
  8. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sending hugs to you
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Deleted due to snoopers
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2013
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is a well thought out, compassionate, loving, clear letter which expresses your love and concern while setting your boundary clearly. I have written many similar notes to my daughter. I hope your daughter is able, in her present state, to see the value in waiting to get married until she stabilizes. You make a clear case for that. They may be mulling it over now, I hope that's the case.

    I'm glad you were able to express how you feel and make it clear what you are willing to do and what you're not, even though your heart is heavy, that is a healthy choice for you to make and a healthy step towards detachment. All you can do now is let go. Try to let go of any attachment to any outcomes you may have.............dealing with bipolar can be challenging because those afflicted often are not medication compliant and in some fashion may even enjoy those manic episodes. I've learned a lot about that over the years since so many in my family are bipolar. It is very, very difficult to be on the sidelines watching, especially for a Mom. My heart goes out to you, I understand your heavy heart. I truly hope she responds to you and also agrees. If she doesn't I hope you have a plan in place for YOU, to detach from her choices, get support, learn to accept what you may not be able to impact. It is very difficult to do, I know. I wish you peace and send you many gentle and caring hugs............
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you RE. Your words are so touching and kind.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow, I am still just blown away by this...look at the email G and E sent out last night.

    Dear Family and Friends,

    We have not yet sent out invites, so I am contacting those I believe know more than others. News travels fast :p
    If I missed anyone, feel free to let them know.

    E and I are very very excited to have the wedding, but most of all to see all of our family together. We cannot wait until the day comes! E and I are very fortunate to have as many people as we do to help us figure out the planning.
    As excited as we are for the big day, With a lot of thinking, and a lot of planning, we have decided to postpone the wedding. We have a lot of different things we are focusing on and a lot of goals we are working towards at the moment. We feel that the positive outcome of our hard work now will make for an even better wedding when the time is right. We have a lot of people that are going to be helping us a whole lot from photography, to pastry, to mothers wedding planning, take a load off! we still have time to plan!

    E and I made this decision to better ourselves and to take care off ourselves and the things that need to take care of. We are very excited about this, and we hope you all will be just as excited when the time comes!

    The New date has yet to be discussed, we promise everyone will know with proper advance.

    Thank you!
    G & E <3

    Wow, right? I'm thinking that maybe she really was waiting for someone else to pull the plug??

    Thank you all for your support....couldn't have made it without you!
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think Jo, she was waiting for someone to tell her it was ok to postpone until they were truly ready for this step. :)

    People get caught up in the emotion and chaos and forget that they have the power to do that........and that people will understand. Better to be certain you're ready for that step than to regret it after because you weren't.

    Good for them. And good for you for being brave enough to tell them so.

  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    H&R, yours was the very first post I read this morning and I can't tell you how thrilled I am for you. You took a big risk, you stepped out there with so much courage while your heart was so broken AND you received the best outcome, you must have breathed a huge sigh of relief with a big smile on your face. I agree that you gave her, perhaps both of them, permission to let go and regroup by your very brave truth telling. Everyone wins. I hope now she will consider taking medications, engaging in therapy, learning more about her health so she can make healthy choices. You did real good Mom, real good. Enjoy your day today, do something especially kind for yourself, you deserve it.
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It's funny. This morning she stopped by our house before work...H and I sat there wondering how she would be when she came upstairs to the kitchen. Well, it was apparent she is still riding the high of mania, but she didn't speak to me at all. Finally I was about to ask her a question and she put up her hand to stop me and said, "If this is about YOUR email, I haven't read it yet so I don't want to talk about it"....ummmm, okay.

    What I wanted to ask was if I should attempt to get my deposit back or should I have them hold it until further notice. Der. Yah, so apparently, she is still peeved with me, hahhaaa, like I care.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She hasn't read it yet....yeah right....she wants to claim the idea as hers. Which is fine.....and that is the way it should be. Glad the are being responsible adults and delaying a bit. I hope they support each other in this next phase of her stabilization. Assuming she knows she needs to get help.....guess you probably do not know this part yet, huh?
  17. I just finished reading through this thread and I can't tell you how glad I am that they decided to postpone the wedding.

    She handled it very graciously and sent a really good email out to everyone. I was impressed with how they handled it and relieved for you.

    From the email it sounds like she intends to address this diagnosis and hopefully get help. For now I guess it will just have to be a 'wait and see'.

    Hugs to you. I'm sure you're so relieved.

    *PS. I too hate posting after RE! She says it so well and with such compassion, insight and intelligence... well, it's just hard to follow. LOL!
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Nope, Busy - I have no idea because she is still basically ignoring my presence.
  19. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member


    Let her stew abit. Sure, she's read it and she knows that you're right. Admitting it to herself, is a tough one, especially since she knows what you are suggesting, takes responsible action on her part. Taking that action, is where they get stuck, it's easier to do what they're doing.

    I hate how this is affecting you, hugs and hugs. No matter how detached we get, it always hurts. Go easy on yourself and give it alittle time. Being ignored is not always a bad thing. :)


  20. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Mrs McNear, when she's like this, I don't mind her ignoring me. I know that when she begins to spiral downwards, she will eventually, or E will, call on me. I hate that part of it.
    I just miss my girl and wish she wasn't so affected.