difficult child is headed down again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by exhausted, Apr 29, 2012.

  1. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    She has been gone since after work on Friday. They gave her some grave yard shifts this week. I was not happy as she is dependent on us for rides as no buses run at 4:00 am. I also thought it was not ok for a minor to work these shifts? So some things have come to light. She was hanging with one of her coworkers who is a shift leader for a few days. Sometimes this girl gives difficult child rides home after work as she lives pretty close. I just had a feeling yesterday evening things were not as they seemed. I talked to this coworker and found out difficult child was in her old run away spot about 30 miles from here. I also found out she is telling everyone she is 19 and that her life is horrible with us. She has told all these adult friends that her parents are only together for the kids and she sees her only way out is to get pregnant. She tells them we have ridiculous rules (so saying your 19 does make curfews and parents who ask to meet the friends seem like we are controlling).

    This coworker tried to talk sense into her. She is 27 and has 3 kids and said difficult child reminds her of herself at that age (how do these people find each other?). She said difficult child had asked her to lie to me several times-she refused. She also said that the other friends tried to talk sense into her and she just got angry and stalked off.

    difficult child was suppose to be at work last night at 9. She did not come home to get her security tag to get into the airport. I did make calls to the numbers that she dialed on her coworkers phone. My son did to. I know, I know, we should have let it go. Of course noone knew her or had seen her-bull, I didn't believe that for a second.. About 15 min. later difficult child called on a "withheld" number and just blasts me. "Why you trippen and calling everyone? Don't you get it? I'm not going to change and I like who I am, I don't need any help." It was vicious. She said she doesn't care about anyone. She doesn't care if she dies and that I always think she is sexually acting out and she isn't. She even called me names, which she really doesn't do. She said that she knew we were going to tell the judge everything and so she was going to jail anyway. She also told us that she had called her boss and talked to her about the graveyards and was told not to go into work. Yet at 9:15-they called our house wondering where she was?

    I told difficult child her dad and I wanted her to pay our son back and we did not want to pay for her while she was in custody. I said it was out of our hands and that her choices this weekend may have cost her her freedom. She said I am goig to come home and be good. I am going to follow the rules and do what I should. I asked her how? She said, "Watch me."

    I feel horrible for her. I don't know if she has a job. She probably has lost these coworkers as friends (her usual pattern). And without a job she kind of wrote her own ticket to DT. I can't do anything, but I feel horrible that she continues this cycle of lies, running away and I do believe sexual addiction She behaves like an addict and it is not from the pot. She refuses to go to aftercare, or therapy, or a 12 step group anymore. She refuses to let us prosecute her rapists and cousin which the therapist would help her healing. She refuses or forgets to take medications. (even her new ones for Polycystic Ovarian disease).

    She's not functioning and I know she is scared. I tried to talk to her about all this and she refused or put it off. she cannot use any good coping skills when under stress. She has been taught in intensive ways, yet she just throws it all away.

    My son lost it with me last night. He told me to let go. He said he can't stand seeing me or his dad like this. He asked me if I had any clue that my life had stopped three years ago. He said, she doesn't want help, and until she does there will be no change. He gave examples of kids he went to school with who are just now in their mid 20's getting it together. Despite my efforts to see the positive, to try to live day to day-I am a mess. I have let my easy child down. I don't know what to do.
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh honey, just concentrate on putting one foot in front of another. And your easy child has given you food for thought, out of the mouths of babes. DO NOT feel guilty about what he has shared. Please. But seriously consider heeding his advice, wise words.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring hugs your way. Don't feel guilty about your parenting. You have done the very best you knew how to do in some very difficult circumstances. Each of us has to work our way to a place of personal survival. You've been around long enough to know the rules of detachment and the suggested books to read. You know how many months will pass before she is a legal adult. Your son, like most of our PCs, is justifiably angry at his sibling. He's hoping to provide you with a "light bulb" moment. To me that just indicates how much he loves you.

    Don't feel guilty. Work your way toward an affirmative plan for the rest of the family and especially yourself. Hugs DDD
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    DDD is very right about easy child providing you with a light bulb moment and how much he loves you. And THAT is what speaks volumes about your parenting...you have done a wonderful job to raise such a wise and thoughtful son. Never forget that. {{{hugs}}}
  5. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I wish I was close enough to hug you right now. I'm just up north if you want to come by....
  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Liahona-so glad to see you are still around. I think we should meet for lunch-school will be out soon and I will have time. Thank you for your support.

    Signora-thank you, I am doing my best.

    DDD-Yes, I have been around awhile and I have read many books for drug and sex addiction, Borderline (BPD) and ADHD and probably QRST as well. Never stops the hurt. I am struggling with detatchment-I freely addmit it. But I have made baby strides. I did not cut off these friendships with much older people (I would have been very involved just a few month ago), I have not snooped her facebook for a long time, I have not offered advise unless she asked, I have not given her money, I refuse to transport her any place she can get herself, I walk away or silently listen when she gets into her circular conversation mood, I have given up on forcing treatment, I have not hired a lawyer for upcoming court, I go to choir each week no matter her condition, I attend FA no matter her condition. I talk to and go with my friends at least a few time a month.

    I struggle with guilt. This is way common in families that deal with Borderline (BPD). I am saying gratitude prayers every day. I am praising myself for the good parenting I have done. I am looking for positives in myself and my life, and I am working on forgiveness (of myself and others). I believe guilt goes away when one finially believes they did the best they could with what they knew at the time. I'm not there yet. My self-esteem is not very healthy right now either-too many critical people and I am too reflective at times.

    When a crisis happens, as yesterday-things are tough and they regress for me. I needed to post those events and feelings for me-so I could go on. I am greatful for my easy child. He is a great kid and I am blessed to have him. He loves us very much and we are so proud of his insight and maturity. I am glad he shared with me because part of what he was saying is that he wants his mom back and he needs his parents too-even as an adult.

    I am glad I can post here and glad for the support. I am glad when I know I am not alone and others are struggling with detatchment and enabling and..... just as I am.:beautifulthing:
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh I am so sorry you are going through this.. it is so hard not to let it take over every waking moment.... however the message from your easy child was very clear and very on target. You can't do any more. This is not your fault. It really is up to her. You give her options, you have offered help, and you clearly are there to help her if she wants it. There is nothing else you can do. Really. Repeat the serenity prayer and go do something fun for yourself!!! And I know from my experience that when the crisis happens it kind of blindsides me at first... and then I find a way to go on... and you will too!!

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry. You are right to come here and tell us your fears. So many of us are struggling with similar things and we understand. My difficult child is further away form us than she has ever been and I really don't see anyway back. If I have learned anything over the past two months it's that I have to go on for my easy child and husband and myself. I can't help difficult child anymore and it isn't doing any good making myself and everyone else miserable. Your easy child is right. Please take care of yourself and find someway to get some peace in your life. Our difficult child's are very sick and there is nothing we can do, we have done our best.

  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry I didn't see this till late (a little occupied elsewhere, sigh)... Sorry she is sliding like this. She really needs to have that job and to turn it around, I will keep you all in my thoughts. HUGS, let us know how it is going.....
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am SO SO sorry you are having to go through this, too. Seems a lot of our difficult children are in this spiral vortex and we are standing there with our hands tied. We care so much more about them than they care about themselves. It is not fair. WTH. :(
  11. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Sending caring hugs your way. I think your easy child is right. As much as it hurts, you have to let difficult child figure this out alone. You have done everything possible. Now it is up to difficult child. You are in my thoughts.
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am right there with u. Wish we could get together in person. Sending cyber (((((HUGS))))).
  13. Exhausted - Big hugs to you first of all.

    I don't know your whole story because I am new here... but your easy child is so right. Maybe it is time to let your difficult child make her mistakes and have to learn from them. It's so hard to do (I get that).

    You deserve to be happy, you deserve to enjoy your husband and your easy child and yourself. You deserve to not have to worry and fret all the time.

    And you should not feel guilty. Try not to worry about the critical people. They have not lived your life or walked in your shoes - they have only seen it from the outside. Their opinion of you is none of your business. Your opinion of you is your business.

    This forum is such a gift for all of us - that we can come here and pour it all out and not be judged but be comforted and helped to heal.