Do I confide in my friend?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jun 12, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    There is this friend of mine and all she knows is that my son is homeless right now...she has offered him a room in her house for him to stay. She is not aware of his substance abuse and I don't want my son labeled. Do I leave the choice up to him weather or not he chooses to tell her and her husband? She knows from a few years my son had been in trouble with pot and being arrested so she may have some indication or want to be sure before renting my son a small efficiency to live in not far from her house. I fear that if she finds out she will tell a several people and the word will spread about his addiction. My question is what should I advise my son to do? He may not even want to live in her house knowing that he will have no choice but to make eye contact with her. It makes me feel good to know that he does have a clean place to lay his head rather than bug infested couch that is unsanitary in very way imaginable. At the same time ...if he does not take the room someone else will. What should I advise him? I don't think he is even smart enough to know what to say. He did stress to me about a month ago that he wouldn't want anyone knowing anything unless he does wine up in jail. Also, I think it would be unfair of me not to let her know as she is a friend of mine...although at times I think she forgets where she came from, as she was an addict herself in the past. PS.I did change my username and it looks like I forgot an extra r. :chuncky: I need a laugh.
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2014
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I actually think it's wrong not to let a friend know exactly what she is getting. She could get into trouble herself if she is found with drugs in her house or she could have a scare if the police come. Do you really think it would work out?

    My own personal opinion is to leave others out of it. You don't know the extent of his drug abuse. You do know he has been in serious trouble. Until she knows EVERYTHING, she should not, in my opinion, offer your son a room. It's a violation of her boundaries, in my opinion, to try to sneak your son into her life without giving her all the details just because you will worry about him.

    My own now 36 year old son was sort of homeless for a bit. His father paid for him to stay at various hotels. But once a friend's mom called to tell me off for abandoning my son. I told her the truth and she said, "Well, he'll know love in my house!" and slammed the phone down. Three weeks later she threw him out and didn't even call to apologize :)

    I just believe it is wrong to involve others in our problems without giving them all the facts. Many of our difficult child have done things to those who tried to help them that are unthinkable. Read JKF's story or jeanne_in_Ca's story. We never think our kids could be THAT bad, but sometimes they are and anyone getting into it at our request should, be told. In my own opinion, which may not be everyone's opinion, it is a moral obligation.

    And people will know and probably already do know that your son abuses drugs. The entire world seemed to know my daughter used drugs. It got back to me from people I never even talked to, but bad behavior is fodder for gossip...

    As for your son, I wouldn't tell him to do or not to do anything. He's an adult now and won't listen to you anyway. How is he going to get the money to afford the rent?

    I'm sorry you're still so worried. Sending you good vibes and prayers.
  3. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thank you midwest mom, I didn't stop to think about the trouble she would get into if drugs were found in her house... but then I go back to the worry that he will never see a way out but I guess recovery houses are out here for his help then again...many are already filled. Oh here I go again.. :( I can tell you right now ...she will definitely NOT take him in, I wouldn't send him to her without believing he would truly want to end his addiction. But...time is not in our favor at this point. Should I still tell her?
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    WM, I agree.

    Are you in the middle of trying to get him a place to stay? Gently, I suggest, you remove yourself from that role. The longer you try to handle his life, the more you will drive yourself crazy.

    I would not let one of my friends offer my difficult child a place to stay without knowing the full picture. If that is where you are in this process, give him the choice to tell her first and let him know if he doesn't, you will.

    You can't let a friend walk blindly into that type of situation. in my humble opinion she is asking for trouble, letting an active addict in the house to live, but if she is fully aware of his current situation, that is her choice. It likely will not end well, sadly.

    There are places to stay for people who are homeless. Shelters, for one. Of course, they drug test you every time you walk in and out of the door, that is why my difficult child would prefer to be homeless. Just like halfway houses, Sober living houses, etc.

    If your difficult child really wants a place to stay, he will find one.

    Try not to react to him and the life he is living. He has gotten where he is by his own choices. Like my SO says, it took a long time to walk into the woods. It's going to take a long time to walk out of the woods.

    He will have to start somewhere. My difficult child has lived on couches, gotten beaten up because he stolen money from people who let him sleep on their couch, stolen from his friends, stayed in abandoned houses, slept in a parking garage between bookcases, on and on and on. It's ugly, WM.

    Start trying to unhook from his drama. He can change his life, and he can start today. But it's up to him.

    Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more with the others here. We want them to be well so badly that we are desperate to grasp on to anything.

    I once had a friend offer to take my daughter in and give her a landscaping job. I grasped at it thinking that would be what set her straight. Nope, she ended up using drugs in her house, cussing my friend out like a dog, getting thrown out and stole from her. I regretted it very badly and felt awful for my friend that was trying to help her and she DID know my daughter's history.

    HE is the only one that can change. HE has to be so miserable that he wants that change. My brother, who has been clean many years told me once - every time you save her, you push her rock bottom down a bit more. He was right.

    The only one you can control is YOU. Take care of you so you are well when he finally decides he is ready for something different...
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Agree with the advice given here. You need to detach a bit and at the same time - you need to protect your friend. Also, if she is the type to talk freely - what will she be saying once she gets to know your son on a more personal level? I would tell her that you think your son needs to hit bottom and that neither she nor you should enable him. If she is a former addict, she will know exactly what you mean. And then the ball is in her court.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I also agree. I would definitely tell her. If you don't there is a good chance it will ruin the friendship and then she will really talk which would be much much worse. If your son is an addict and living in her place she will eventually figure it out and he could do something drug related and then you look really bad for not telling her. So yes tell her and let her make her own decision about if and how to help him.


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  8. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    After praying about this and reading all your posts I agree that my friend should know the risk involved. I will give my son the opportunity to be first to let them know that he has upcoming court dates and has or is trying to quit...that is IF he really is. I wouldn't want him living there if he is still smoking pot anyway. I doubt he would even consider moving into their home if he still is but you never know. He is not the type to curse them out or anything like that, if it came down to it he would just pack up and leave. But as I said I will leave it up to him to come clean with them first about what is going on and I can only be sure by asking them if my son did talk to them about it but careful not to go into great detail like him living in unsanitary places going from house to house etc. . what would be the reasoning in that? I can't be absolutely sure I could even trust her not to tell others anyway. But it is as you say I'm going to leave the ball in her court but be sure she knows what might come of it. I can tell her I'd appreciate her confidence especially since it was a part of her past but she is known to talk.
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Avoiding labeling someone is great unless of course that label is 100% accurate. He can remove the label just like he can change his life. Make the effort to do it.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Are you 100% sure he is only using pot? Pot alone doesn't usually lead to such drastically horrible behavior and the acceptance of that degree of living arrangements? Don't get me wrong. I am sure that now that pot is almost legal, there will be plenty of horrible stuff coming out about it and we will find that some people can not handle it, but it doesn't have the affects on people that, say, cocaine does. I thought my daughter was just smoking pot too. She was on parole twice because of pot. Now that she is clean, she has told us the whole story and I was really shocked when I learned exactly what she was was mostly speed, including meth, and she did the speed when we were asleep. She also had tried psychodelics and HEROIN!!!! I thought that once you tried heroin you were hooked for life, but she claims she tried it twice and that was it and I know she isn't using heroin now...or anything.

    Pot makes the person unmotivated and usually spacey. IF they are sensitive to it, like me (yes, I tried it a few times) and it can make you paranoid, hungry, and I personally don't think anyone should drive while on it...your reflexes are affected. But it doesn't make sense that your son would go to the extremes he is going to just because of pot. However...there are a lot of worse stuff often tossed into pot these days. It is unlikely pot is the only thing affecting him.

    I think the best thing you can do, because it is really the only thing you can do, is to let him decide the path of his life. You're his mom and you love him to pieces, but you can't do anything for him anymore. Just agreeing to go into a rehab means nothing. It's if your son is clean for a year or so. A big indicator, which I saw when my daughter got tired of the drug world, is that drug addicts/users hang together and don't want one another to quit. Your son will have a whole new set of friends if he really is serious about quitting. If he continues to hang with a bad crowd of people it is becausing he is chosging to hang with others who live like him and think it is ok. People who live clean, sober, sane lives really don't want to hang around with those who don't.

    I really hope your son decides to get the help he so desperately needs. I hoped my daughter would too...I thought she'd end up in jail or dead. She was so skinny, it scared me. But she did quit and s he did it quietly, without announcing it, without rehab, all by herself. The one thing we all noticed was that she was always alone because she didn't want to hang with druggies anymore and she didn't know how to make friends with nicer people. But she learned that too.

    Keep the Faith. Never give up hope. But you can't do it for him.
  11. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    D99 I believe what you said is whole hardily but you know there are some people who will always remember where they buried the hatchet. I guess I shouldn't worry about those people.
    Midwestmom, It seems like his symptoms does indicate more than marijuana. I do feel that is his choice of drug but that he has tried or is still doing pills. It is my husband who has made the decision to kick him out but did say that even when he gets sober he won't let him back in. That's where I can truly say my husband has a problem anger problem. Or jealously most likely of my son and the attention I give him. but hubby gets ridiculous in his thinking...which leads to an entirely different forum. Right now, my concern is my son. I will say that he was just a pot head until he was kicked out...I'm sure his druggie friends are doing all kinds of drugs...including meth. o.m.G! then would it be my husbands fault? I mean not entirely of course but by kicking him out it lead my son straight into the hands of his bad friends.:(
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    TM it would not be anybody's fault except your son's if he is using harder drugs. The things we do and say don't have the power to make other people say and do things.

    It sounds like you have serious issues with your husband's behavior. That is a separate issue from your son's drug addiction.

    in my opinion I would work to separate the two so you can think more clearly about your son.

    It is not about blaming someone else. Your son has to own his own life and decisions regardless of the hard times he has had, just like we all do.

    Big hugs.

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  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Oh I can honestly say if my difficult child hadn't had her baby, she would not be living back at home either. My husband was angry, too. VERY angry. It was only after she proved she was for real that my husband let it go and let his guard down. Now he is a doting grampa and they are building a MUCH better relationship. Don't be too hard on husband. Sometimes anger is the only way they know to express themselves. They get angry and we get fixated on trying to save them... :(
  14. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    I would never let my difficult child live with anyone, esp not a friend, without knowing. I wld tell difficult child he could tell her but if he chooses to live there either friend knows from him or me. My difficult child would be sneaky and guaranteed something wld go horribly wrong. Not worth it in my humble opinion.

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  15. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    Oh...and so sorry you're going through this...its so miserable!!!

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  16. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Thank you all for your reply's. This friend of mine has actually known my son since he was a little boy of 5 years old. However I just realized if we don't want him living in our house as his parents...why in the world would they want my son living with them? unless of course my son wants to change. Yesterday she offered him the bedroom and I was prepared to tell her about his substance abuse and the 2 upcoming trials when my son declined their offer. This sort of lets me know he is still using and is not willing to stop. Is it okay for me to tell my son he might want to go ahead and confide in them anyway? only because the father has been a spokesperson for N/A in the past and may still have the credentials to show the judge that my son has been trying to improve himself by living in this mans care.? Then again they may not want the hassle. His court date is in 2 months and he WILL be standing trial. Once the judge sees that my son has been arrested twice before even starting his probation ( if given that ) I think he will place my son in jail if he doesn't show the judge that he's been trying to improve himself. Anyway, I realize the ultimate choice is my sons and that if he does want to take my friends offer, he would have to tell them about what's going on or I will. But can anyone tell me if the judge will see my son as getting help with my friends father since he was a N/A speaker for their meetings?
  17. Annie2007

    Annie2007 Member

    I would not let him go live in your friend's house. It will not work out well. Trust me. I have been there too.

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  18. Terryforvols

    Terryforvols Member

    I may have missed something, but IF he is not willing to stop using, an NA rep wouldnt stick up for him. If I've missed something sorry for my answer!

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  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Worried, You are at the beginning of the nightmare journey that our drug using kids put us on. Your emotions will be all over the place. One minute you will want to kick his butt and the next you will want to hold him tight and not let him out of your sight. It helps to put physical distance between ourselves and our difficult child's. It helps me to look at my son through a strangers eyes. When I do that, I get a more realistic picture of who my kiddo has become. He is not the cute. sweet, little guy he used to be.