Do I or don't I...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SaraT, Jan 27, 2008.

  1. SaraT

    SaraT New Member

    stop sending difficult child to bio-idiot.(We will call him R).

    R doesn't think there is anything wrong with difficult child that a good a-- whipping won't cure. He is in denial of her disorders because if he admits them then he has to admit he may also have some, as it comes from his side of the family.(Specifically his father.) R hates his father as there is history of abuse that goes back to grandpa. (That is another longgggggg story).

    So, needless to say he is not supportive of getting difficult child help. He just thinks I am not disciplining her enough.:grrr::rolleyes:

    Now the reasons I think difficult child needs to stop going.(And this is sticky because of ordered visitation, so I would have to have visitation changed). There is history of R being violent toward me,(hence the x part). R also "spanked" difficult child so bad one time he left welts and black and blue marks on her behind and leg.(This was over a disrespectful attitude toward his S.O. caused by a meltdown over a workbook.) He had used a belt, and when we(husband & I) saw the marks we called CPS. They called CPS in other state(R lives in different state). CPS talked to him and I honestly don't know what they said, but so far no other incidents of that.(and yes I check every time difficult child comes home.) Then there was a problem last week of R screaming and yelling at difficult child and easy child -B over the fact that difficult child forgot to pack socks. Good Grief, its only socks. R then proceeded to yell at husband when he picked up the girls. R then called me and told me that I had to make sure difficult child was properly packed. I tried to tell him that with difficult child it is sometimes better to let natural consequences take over.(ie no socks, cold feet.) R then went off about dirty cloths, etc, even though I tried to tell him that water softener was broke and I didn't dare do laundry until fixed due to rust stains getting on cloths.(R has previously had a fit about a tiny rust stain on a pair of jeans.(He is very Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) about everything being clean, even the girls play cloths.) Then there is the fact that he has(and I am pretty sure still does) smoke wacky tobacco. He was convicted of position several years ago. Things just keep piling up to make me think it isn't good for difficult child to go anymore.

    difficult child doesn't even want to go. She hates R and has been trying to stop going for years, but has never given me good enough reason to go to judge with.

    I am going to talk to case manager about this, but just wanted input if I was doing the right thing. I have wrestled with this decision for years.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I've never had difficult child's father around so I can't say I speak from experience, but my first reaction to this is to have the visitation order changed. Your difficult child should not have to go through this. Follow your gut feeling- maybe she can have contact at her discretion, like she's allowed to call when she wants or asked him to come to a school event with her, but not regular overnight visits unless things change. Just my 2 cents- again, I have never been there done that!
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    how old is your child? I would say you have listed two very good points....

    he has been violent to her in the past (bruise marks to me constitues unnecessary violence)

    she doens't want to go

    My ex husband is not at all supportive with what our daugther goes through, is in denial and has issues himself is afraid it'll get blamed on his genes i guess. yet there has never been any violence he lost it once and yelled at her when she wet the bed few mos. back and well me being the pyscho that i am i threatened him to stop overnights if i heard he was screaming at her one more time iwas pulling them.

    i think you already know what the right thing is to do. it doesn't mean they wont know one another it can just be a shorter amt of time, no overnights maybe afternoon visit few hours. just because their the bio parent doens't mean they should know the kid.

    my oldest is not from my marriage, i had her when i was 23 on my own. when i saw the bio dad's reaction which by the way was a friend of mine for quite sometime we just well one night and poof.....anyway when i saw his reaction to the pregnancy his lack of concern, responsiblity i took him to court after she was born i took his legal rights to her away. he didn't want to know her anyway yet she's better off without him in her life. he would of hurt her mentally very very badly.

    anyway hard hard decisions to make yet with this one just look at your child and weigh the pro's and con's from her point of view or rather her benefit. you'l do the right thing.

    lots of luck
  4. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I could speak on this subject for hours so I will try to be as brief as i can. My difficult child's bio dad used me as a punching bag until difficult child was 10 mos old. He missed me and swung at the fridge and then missed her by 1/2 an inch. that's the day we left. He overdosed 7 years later. I TOTALLY understand the visitation order thing. GO BACK TO COURT!!! Your difficult child has enough going on without havihng to experience this rage 1st hand. It is NOT a healthy environment. I know somewhere in your heart you think that having the other parent being in difficult child's life is a plus - but from what you're saying it's not! What would happen if you wait until sometihing "bad" happened? At age 12 your difficult child should be able to have a say in court as to whether or not he feels like he wants to preserve that relationship. Never say a bad word about bio dad (not productive) - but keep him safe. It seems it's causing more stress and take it from one who knows - you want to keep difficult child safe BEFORE something "bad" happens and you know it will. Sorry for being so adament - but I've been there done that and bought the T-shirt. difficult child comes first - do you want him traumatized over socks?! It won't won't get better! Only my 2 cents - but have had a lifetime of experience with this. Don't second guess yourself - you know best - go with your feeelings - if bio dad isn't adding anything you won't be taking much away. difficult child will learn on his own who is OK and who is not. huge ((hugs)) it's not an easy road - but you know him better tahn anyone else - trust your instincts - protect your child.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If your child is a certain age, she can choose not to go. Until then, I'd go back to court. She doesn't need this (your child). Maybe he's abusing her still and she isn't telling you--maybe SO is. He sounds like a big loser. (((Hugs))) good luck.