Do letters work? Is it worth writing 35 a letter?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, May 5, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He swore and hung up on me again and I texted him that I won't talk to him again for twenty four hours and that he'd better stop taking his problems out on me.

    Then I was frustrated and angry so I did my jogging and my mind was racing and I heard him in my head saying, "You have never gone through anything as horrible as this. I COULD LOSE MY SON." He says that a lot.

    But it's not true.

    I lost Scott and that killed me for a few years. I REALLY lost Scott. There is no court that can bring him back. He's gone. And with him, there is a grandson I will never know so I lost him too. Before I even knew him.

    And when 35 was married to his ex, I lost him. He almost never called me for ten years. He stuck with ex and also refused to let me see my grandson (going along with ex that grandson should be close only to her side of the family), so I lost both of them. I will never know my grandson. It's too late...he's 5 and they moved away. He refuses to drive to Chicago where I could see my grandson more often. So, in a way, I really lost three people whom I loved. Or four, if you consider N. who I never got to know.

    I want to write a letter telling him not to call me until he has read the letter because he never thinks about anyone but himself. And I want him to think about me and my feelings. If he loses his custody battle, at the worst, he gets his son every other weekend and once during the week. But I never see Scott or him (not that that I want to see 35 at this point) and I will never be close to this grandson and he has a lot to do with that.

    When I try to tell him, he says, "I don't want to hear about it." Well, I want him to hear about it or I don't want to talk to him about his stuff. And he's going to have to start to respect me. I didn't have him for ten years. If I don't have him least I'll have my self-respect. If asking for it chases him away, did I lose anything? I am so conflicted. What do you think of a letter? Jumper, Sonic and Julie despise him. Especially Julie.

  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Letters are OFTEN misinterpreted. It happened to me and I am considered to be an above average communicator. I would vote NO. I do understand your sadness. DDD
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    In my experience, a letter is only worthwhile when the recipient is actually willing to hear and understand what you have to say. If 35 is not willing to listen to you when you speak to him on the phone, chances are that he will just use your letter as fuel in the "Mom's being horrible to me" self-talk that he seems to be engaged in.

    If it would help you to write your feelings in letter format, then please do, but I wouldn't send it to 35 expecting it to change anything.

    *Hugs, my friend.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    If you want to repair your relationship with him, whatever you do, DON'T write a letter. He will read into it what he feels, not what you write. If he's angry, he'll translate it to anger. Written words can NEVER be taken back. He will far more time to read into it what he thinks than you ever will to explain it. Call him or go to see him but don't write him a letter.

    I have a strong feeling that you will write it in any case, but I really think you shouldn't. It will be a repeat of what happened with all of the cards and letters you sent to Scott. There is no way it can turn out any differently.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I would opt out of the letter. Unless you'd like to write it for YOUR benefit.........then rip it up and burn it.

    Writing that letter may well be what you need to help you weed through the jungle of emotions of this situation and cut the apron strings forcing 35 to stop being so utterly dependent on you emotionally while giving basically nothing in return.

    If you write it and send it, given her personality, he'll find a way to use it against you repeatedly.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you should write your letter and tehn burn it. It will have the same effect as writing and mailing it to him, except it won't end up with him using it to manipulate you. I would tell him that yes, I DO know how it feels to lose someone you love because YOU cut me out of your life as long as it was going your way. YOU did that TO ME and now you want sympathy because you might only get your son a few days a week??? Think on that and then talk to me WHEN and ONLY WHEN you can address me respectfully. I am your mother and NOT your whipping boy or servant to be commanded.

    I would SAY those things.

    I have experience with letters. I have written them to my mother and she has written many to me. Mostly when she is upset and I am not giving in to her. I have a few of her letters kept, and was often shocked at how others perceived the letters. If you ask my mom, she is only trying to reach me and help clear up what I so obviously misunderstood that she or gfgbro did/said/wanted. Tdocs are truly appalled and disgusted by her letter.s She sent one with her version of Wiz' history to his therapist when we had been here about 6 mos. It was truly scary the things she thought happened to him. To listen to her, he was not allowed out of our apartment for months on end, only taken to a playground infested with needles, never allowed to see or speak to other kids or relatives, and fed only boxed mac and cheese for almost a year.

    Reality, not only as it was lived, but as documented by his doctors, babysitter, daycare, the relatives in question, and more, is that we did not allow him to play in the play area of our apartment because I found used needles there three days after we moved in. We drove to a playground at least once a day unless he was sick, at least while husband was being a SAHD until we got a second car. Or they took the bus to a park, playground, kids' museum or other event. We saw the relatives at least once every couple of weeks - would have visited more but that was their choice - they pressed us to visit more but never really wanted us around if we did show up. As for eating? He was served a very healthy diet with plenty of fresh and frozen veggies and fruits and often flat out refused to eat anything but 2 or 3 items for a month or two. it would rotate, but often he couldn't get a treat unless he ate some veg or fruit because it was one of few ways to get him to do so. He was always a fussy eater, more so after my mother would tell him how mean I was to make him eat whatever he was objecting to at the time, or for not giving him dessert unless he ate something healthy.

    I only let a therapist read the letters after she sent that letter to Wiz' therapist. I hadn't known she was going to, and was HORRIFIED by what she said. Guess wehre she got much, if not MOSt, of her info? Gfgbro, who came to see us maybe every two years and did awful things and then would not leave or else would leave but have stuff piled in our home for two months as he traveled. Several times he only returned for hsi stuff because I was going to put it outside to rot on a certain date. The year he brought lice was the last straw.

    Gfgbro would call me late at night, ramble on drunkenly, and then call my mom the next day to whine about how I never would talk to him when he called, and didn't answer if he called. Took phone records to prove to my mom that he had lost his dang mind and was only saying that because he was blackout drunk by the time he called (it was hard to tell, he didn't slur words when drunk, and it took until he got major felonies because he was drunk and nuts to get her to believe he ever called me while drunk. NONE of what she beleived was true, even Wiz told her it was not long before I even knew what her distorted beliefs were.

    What baffled me was that she could write all that stuff in the same letter after a paragraph telling me what a wonderful mom I am and how seh wished she could have been more like me as my mom. WTF???? was usually the main thought in my mind as I read her letters.

    Do. NOT. Send. Him. A. Letter.

    it will not help. He will read what he wants into it, and it will be used to justify whatever he wants to justify. Later it will be PROOF that he should not ever let you be around his child or for whatever he wants to do to hurt you.

    In many ways I wish my mom had not written. Though it did give me some credibility to my tdocs and wiz' tdocs when I brought up the strange relationship we have. they also helped me get to the point where I was able to really see how twisted her perceptions of me are, and how my dysfunctional thinking was started and they gave me a way to get tdocs to understand what I was trying to cope with as I dealt with my parents.

    My bro's letters? O. M. G. DELUSIONAL. Some are just nonstop rants, usually mailed after he left 2-15 messages of ranting until the voicemail cut off automatically (which of course I made the cell phone co do just so I could deprive him of the constitutional right to have me listen to him. Yes, you read that right. Gfgbro firmly believes that he has a constitutional right to say what he wants, when he wants, how he wants, for as long as he wants, to me, to my husband, and to our kids. Only to us, but hey, who needs another whipping post when you ahve 5? Except not he only has his daughter and our mom. Makes me feel bad for his daughter, but not enough to resume the position as whipping post.

    Don't send that letter. Write if it helps you understand and see things clearly. If you want the thoughts to be sent, burn them and send them into the universe to reach him when he can be receptive. Text him what I said to say, and insist on not talking to him if/when he rants at you or is such an idiot as to tell you what to think, say, do or whatever.

    You are his mom. He can only treat you this disrespectfully if you permit it. He may cut you from his life again, but what would you lose? You don't really have him n your life now, and you will only have him until his life is calm again. Once the drama is over, he will be done with you. I hate that, and hate saying it, but it IS reality and something you need to think about. why does he call you now? He can't rant at anyone else but J. hopefully j is too young, but I doubt it no matter how much he loves the boy. I don't knwo if he is an alcoholic, but I do know his words and actions are those that would come out of an alcoholic's mouth. I heard MANY similar things from gfgbro while he was drinking, and from other drunks I know. It is pretty common, in my opinion, for them to act the way your SF is.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys. True that he would not actually pay attention to the letter in the right way.

    Believe it or not, pathetically my relationship with 35 is the best relationship he has with anyone.

    But he will never see that others have hard times too. It's all about him.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I actually had a good experience with writing letters but I guess Im in the minority. Of course we also had the experience of having to write letters as being the only way we could communicate under our belt. With Jamie being in the Marines, you can only write letters while they are in boot so you get good at writing letters. We also wrote letters to Cory when he was in jail. We got very good at the written word.

    Later on I decided to write letters to each of my boys to talk to them about some of the things that had happened during their childhood and things I thought I had done wrong. Things I really wished I hadnt done and how I was so very sorry. I tried to explain that many of those things were because I was bipolar but we didnt know it and I wasnt medicated at the time. It was not an excuse so much as an explanation. I told them I wished I had known so much earlier.

    My boys accepted those letters well.

    Now I do have an idea that might help. Im assuming your son might have a computer. If he does why not ask him to skype with you when he has J with him. You could start building a relationship with J doing something fun on the computer even if its only doing something like reading a book or playing a game like him doing Simon Says. He can skype you during the week to talk where he can see you. Its easier to talk when you can see the person. If he understands he can see his son on Skype when he is with his mom maybe that will make it easier. He can give his soon his own computer tablet that has skype on it so they can skype every day and not wait for mommy to set it up. They have a small Nabi tablet that is just a hundred bucks that skypes. There are ways to do this.
  9. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I don't think I would write it. He says that he doesn't want to hear what you have to say, so I think if you write it he'll think that you want everything to be all about you, and not about what you are really trying to say to him. If you want to get the thoughts out write them, but don't send it.