So difficult child has a 7:00 curfew given to him by his PO. He decides to walk out of the house around 8:30 and doesn't come home until 10:00. Now he expects us to believe that he just didn't know what time it was. I have no clue what he was out doing or who he was with. Then, after husband deals with him, and I tell him it is bed time, he screams at me to shut the f**k up. When he realizes husband heard him, and is getting out of bed to deal with him again, he turns his light and tv off and goes to bed. He knew it was past his curfew. He just didn't care or thought that we wouldn't realize he was gone. I really don't know how much more I can take.
Does he really think we believe that?
- Thread starter GwenM
- Start date
DDD
Well-Known Member
Just wanted to send an understanding hug your way. Some of our difficult children just seem to be compelled to push the limits and although I hope your son is different...I suggest you get emotionally prepared for an extended bumpy ride. Breaking curfew indicates that he wants to do his own thing, hopes that he does not get caught by PO, has an excuse or two ready...and likely is going to test the limits until he is back in protective custody. Sigh!
When difficult child#1 went to his first s.a. residential treatment program I was shocked at family night. Almost all the girls and boys had parents who told stories of going to great lengths to prevent roaming after dark. Most of them had difficult children who went out the bedroom window after the parents were in bed. Some parents literally nailed the windows shut to prevent them from leaving.
Sure hope you don't have to travel the long hard road but just in case I suggest you get a copy of the Serenity Prayer (famous from AA) and learn it by heart. Learning to accept the things you can not change, having the courage to change what you can...and most importantly finding the wisdom to know the difference can ease the path for difficult child parents. Sending supportive thoughts. DDD
When difficult child#1 went to his first s.a. residential treatment program I was shocked at family night. Almost all the girls and boys had parents who told stories of going to great lengths to prevent roaming after dark. Most of them had difficult children who went out the bedroom window after the parents were in bed. Some parents literally nailed the windows shut to prevent them from leaving.
Sure hope you don't have to travel the long hard road but just in case I suggest you get a copy of the Serenity Prayer (famous from AA) and learn it by heart. Learning to accept the things you can not change, having the courage to change what you can...and most importantly finding the wisdom to know the difference can ease the path for difficult child parents. Sending supportive thoughts. DDD
Star*
call 911........call 911
GwenM,
Why did you leave your doors unlocked for him to come in? If his curfew is 7:00 PM......and he was not IN the house at 7:00 PM? How did he get BACK into your house three hours later?
(again understand I'm not judging - I'm the Mom of a 21 year old and have been through the wringer like I hope you can't imagine, but wish I knew then what I know now) ----(welcome nice to meet you)
SO......at 10:00 PM 3 hours after his curfew comes - HE just waltzes in to YOUR home - and say TADA - I'm home three hours late! And then spouts STFU. (nice touch) And here you have so many choices and variables as to what consequences you and your husband can levy on young Pottymouth. Are you on the same page? Did you have Plan A. Plan B? Do you have a parenting plan? Did you disucss consequences of HERE IS WHAT WE (we being the operative word here because the only way YOU meaning YOU AND husband are ever going to make it through your difficult child withouth divorce or separation and survive this child - trust me - is to have a plan) and the best way to have a plan is to talk to a therapist that has.YOUR.BACKS....and gives you some VERY professional and insightful feedback to deal with this kid. WHY? Because you can't parent him like you would another child. WHY? Because he isn't wired like other children. WHY? Well if I knew that I'd be a bazillionaire and live in a tropical island and jet back and forth on a magical donkey, eating bon bons that wouldn't ever make me fat. BUT SERIOUSLY - you need a good family therapist and BOTH YOU and DF need to GET ONE PRONTO TONTO. IT's not a well maybe - it's a GET ONE NOW NECESSITY. This kid is going to wear you both down. And it isn't optional - BOTH of you need to go, and blow it out your piehole about the stressors this kid puts you through. Then work with him/or her - to have a PLAN A. and PLAN B. of WHAT IF -like the breaking curfew.
See I don't know about your house......but at OUR house? We had SO MANY OTHER WORSE things going on - that breaking curfew? Was so low on the list that if he DID come home at all? We just said "You're late, take a shower and go to bed." Because just the fact that he came HOME? Was a start for us. Just the fact that he would have only been TWO hours late....was a goal reached. Just the fact that he only said STFU when spoken to would have been a goal reached....so (shrug) it depends on where your son is on the goal achieving spectrum. If you are totalatarian parents and want a perfect child and scream - AHHHHHH you're two hours late you know blah blah blah and you should have been home blah blah blah YOU little so n so......YA YA YA....and he comes back at you with STFU? Well ----Granted you are within your right to correct him for not being home on time - but then I would probably ask....like I did - WHY was he able to get in at all? If he were in Department of Juvenile Justice --and had a curfew of 7:00pm and didn't make it? Would they open the gates? Nope. What about the army? Think they'd open the barracks for him? Not likely? How about getting to the bank? If you had to make a deposit by 7....and got there at 10 - think they'd come back for you? Nyet. So by leaving the door open? You're letting him know - that no matter when he comes - the place is open. ANd yes - it's different for kids because you can't lock them out -but if he has a curfew - and breaks it? The doors are locked? You CAN call the police and say "OUr son was to be home at 7:00 PM, he is violating curfew- and we don't know where he is....he needs to be picked up." ANd BOY wouldn't that send a message for being home on time?
The back side to that would be the obvious......then he gets in more trouble...YOU have to take time off work -to show up for him in court-------and the rest is pretty obvious - he has MORE of a record that you are trying to prevent------right? Yeah -well the bad thing about that is either you do it when they are YOUNG......or you do it when they are OLDER and the stakes are higher. LOTS higher. So you do it while they are younger and HOPE the lesson sinks in...because myexperience is that it's doubtful it sinks in on it's own. Hopeful - but doubtful - so the sooner you start being a parent and teaching lessons and stop worrying about being a parent? It shows him that you aren't fooling around. You're done playing games - and the message is pretty clear about being on time.
Oh and by the way - eventually when we told OUR son curfew is X oclock? We did get results. He WAS on time - because we did lock the doors. We live in the middle of no where (or was at the time) and it gets pretty cold sleeping in your dads van covered with a tarp. He's a long way from being a non-difficult child at 21 - but it takes a long time - and a lot of heartache and a lot of tough love. A lot more I think than any of us realize we have within us. THe thing that saved us the most? Family therapy. Even admittedlytoday ? Our son will tell you the therapy helped the most. HATED IT - ABSOLUTELY HATED it - but says it was the thing he remembers as helping the most.
FWIW _
Hang in there -
Hugs -
STar
Why did you leave your doors unlocked for him to come in? If his curfew is 7:00 PM......and he was not IN the house at 7:00 PM? How did he get BACK into your house three hours later?
(again understand I'm not judging - I'm the Mom of a 21 year old and have been through the wringer like I hope you can't imagine, but wish I knew then what I know now) ----(welcome nice to meet you)
SO......at 10:00 PM 3 hours after his curfew comes - HE just waltzes in to YOUR home - and say TADA - I'm home three hours late! And then spouts STFU. (nice touch) And here you have so many choices and variables as to what consequences you and your husband can levy on young Pottymouth. Are you on the same page? Did you have Plan A. Plan B? Do you have a parenting plan? Did you disucss consequences of HERE IS WHAT WE (we being the operative word here because the only way YOU meaning YOU AND husband are ever going to make it through your difficult child withouth divorce or separation and survive this child - trust me - is to have a plan) and the best way to have a plan is to talk to a therapist that has.YOUR.BACKS....and gives you some VERY professional and insightful feedback to deal with this kid. WHY? Because you can't parent him like you would another child. WHY? Because he isn't wired like other children. WHY? Well if I knew that I'd be a bazillionaire and live in a tropical island and jet back and forth on a magical donkey, eating bon bons that wouldn't ever make me fat. BUT SERIOUSLY - you need a good family therapist and BOTH YOU and DF need to GET ONE PRONTO TONTO. IT's not a well maybe - it's a GET ONE NOW NECESSITY. This kid is going to wear you both down. And it isn't optional - BOTH of you need to go, and blow it out your piehole about the stressors this kid puts you through. Then work with him/or her - to have a PLAN A. and PLAN B. of WHAT IF -like the breaking curfew.
See I don't know about your house......but at OUR house? We had SO MANY OTHER WORSE things going on - that breaking curfew? Was so low on the list that if he DID come home at all? We just said "You're late, take a shower and go to bed." Because just the fact that he came HOME? Was a start for us. Just the fact that he would have only been TWO hours late....was a goal reached. Just the fact that he only said STFU when spoken to would have been a goal reached....so (shrug) it depends on where your son is on the goal achieving spectrum. If you are totalatarian parents and want a perfect child and scream - AHHHHHH you're two hours late you know blah blah blah and you should have been home blah blah blah YOU little so n so......YA YA YA....and he comes back at you with STFU? Well ----Granted you are within your right to correct him for not being home on time - but then I would probably ask....like I did - WHY was he able to get in at all? If he were in Department of Juvenile Justice --and had a curfew of 7:00pm and didn't make it? Would they open the gates? Nope. What about the army? Think they'd open the barracks for him? Not likely? How about getting to the bank? If you had to make a deposit by 7....and got there at 10 - think they'd come back for you? Nyet. So by leaving the door open? You're letting him know - that no matter when he comes - the place is open. ANd yes - it's different for kids because you can't lock them out -but if he has a curfew - and breaks it? The doors are locked? You CAN call the police and say "OUr son was to be home at 7:00 PM, he is violating curfew- and we don't know where he is....he needs to be picked up." ANd BOY wouldn't that send a message for being home on time?
The back side to that would be the obvious......then he gets in more trouble...YOU have to take time off work -to show up for him in court-------and the rest is pretty obvious - he has MORE of a record that you are trying to prevent------right? Yeah -well the bad thing about that is either you do it when they are YOUNG......or you do it when they are OLDER and the stakes are higher. LOTS higher. So you do it while they are younger and HOPE the lesson sinks in...because myexperience is that it's doubtful it sinks in on it's own. Hopeful - but doubtful - so the sooner you start being a parent and teaching lessons and stop worrying about being a parent? It shows him that you aren't fooling around. You're done playing games - and the message is pretty clear about being on time.
Oh and by the way - eventually when we told OUR son curfew is X oclock? We did get results. He WAS on time - because we did lock the doors. We live in the middle of no where (or was at the time) and it gets pretty cold sleeping in your dads van covered with a tarp. He's a long way from being a non-difficult child at 21 - but it takes a long time - and a lot of heartache and a lot of tough love. A lot more I think than any of us realize we have within us. THe thing that saved us the most? Family therapy. Even admittedlytoday ? Our son will tell you the therapy helped the most. HATED IT - ABSOLUTELY HATED it - but says it was the thing he remembers as helping the most.
FWIW _
Hang in there -
Hugs -
STar
