Don't know how to handle my sons addiction

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Momyl, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    hi , I don't know how to to handle my 17 yrs.sons addiction. A couple years ago I found my son using weed . My husband and I talked to him and we thought he had stop because I would see him normal .. In junior year he got home high but it was on Xanax , That day I decided to look at his phone and found out he was also selling so we decided to pull him out of school and do home school and take him to therapy , during that time he also started working with my dad . For a while he was doing fine , but one day in group therapy the called me to tell me that I had to pick up my son because he had taken something and he was in bad shape , went to pick him up , had never seen him that way so took him to the hospital . After that he said he had got scared and that he was going to stop , he continued his therapy . 4 months later school year was going to start and he had not done very well in home school so I told him then he had to get his GED , he told he wanted his diploma and he wanted to get back to school , that he had been clean and he wasn't going to do any drugs . Since he had been doing good we decided to get him back to school but I think it was a mistake . In his first 9 weeks of school .. He started using drugs again Xanax and weed and , we had give him rules but he hasn't followed them , he ran away and stoled money from us .. He was out for week and half , which I was scared for him ,One of his friends dad called me to let me know that he was in a mc Donald's and with two of his friends that had also runaway and the he was in bad shape. I went there and he was in a bad shape so I went he didn't want to come with me so I called the cops. The cops put him In my car . The following day he wanted to leave again because he said he wanted more freedom and we talked for two hours about responsibility and rules , I kept taking to therapy . This Sunday he cameback home high and next morning couldn't remember nothing, I took his phone and I found out he is selling drugs at school and I don't know what to do , please advise
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I wish I had answers.

    Has he ever been in legal trouble for any of this? My daughter was smoking weed, but did not get as involved in the drugs as your son seems to be. But, she did get in trouble for sneaking out at night to be with her boyfriend. We turned her I'm, and since she was underage and it was the second time we turned her in, she had to have community services and see a court services officer. They did routine drug tests. She came up clean on those. But once, she broke a tile and we told them, she had to do community service, by helping with meals on wheels from about 7am to noon for three weeks, until school started.

    Have you thought about letting him deal with the legal consequences?

    Others will have more suggestions. It's a hard road...

  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Hello, Momyl.

    What a painful situation you are in. It sounds like the drugs have really taken over your son's ability to make good decisions.

    I see that your son is not yet legally an adult. Do you think it would help to place him in a residential treatment center to get him clean and get him away from the kids he is selling to? I usually think if they don't want treatment there is no point, but this might be the last chance you have, legally, to intervene.

    I'm so sorry.
  4. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    The problem is that I don't have insurance and all the places I've called it cost more than 20,000 dlls money that we don't have. He has been in therapy for about 6 months off and on . I just started taking him to hypnosis therapy, but I don't know how much it will help him , it seems that he accepts just to keep me happy but I don't know if he really wants the help ... Sometimes it's seems he wants to do things right he wants to be motivated and he tells and he tells me he wants help .. Then later he comes home hi , and the following day he tells me that that's who he is , and that he knows that I told him I would never give up on him that I should because that's who he is .. And his words hurt me so much. But I know that's not my son , that my son is there trapped and the drugs are taking over ..
  5. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    No he hasn't been legally in trouble , and I've decided that if it gets to that point I let him deal with the consequences and hopeful that he will do things different
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Do you have any other children that live in your home? Is his dad in his life?
  7. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I'm so sorry Momyl. For starters, I would make life very difficult for him. Sounds like you're paying for a phone that he uses to sell drugs and he's obviously selling for someone else, most likely someone older and he is still a minor. I would turn that information into the police to try to take down his supplier and get them put away for distributing drugs to a minor. Then I would take the phone that I'm sure you pay for. If he has a car you definitely need to take that. Your son is young and this will only get worse if you don't take major action now. I know you don't want to turn him in to the school because then he will have a record but this may be the best option like ksm suggested. They take drugs on school grounds very seriously and he will most likely be kicked out of school and turned over to police. If you do take the option I wouldn't bail him out and let him face the consequences. That's a major mistake I made with my son is always helping him out so he never faced consequences and trust me it only gets worse.
    My son got caught with a marjuana joint in his car on school grounds his senior year of high school. The police came and arrested him then he got sent to alternative school for remainder of the school year. There were really bad kids at the school and I thought the punishment was too harsh so we got him into another school system where my mother taught school and also had one of our attorney friends help get him out of trouble with the law. Big mistake!!! Should have let him face the consequences.
    I know your worry and I do suggest you go to therapy for yourself to someone who specializes in drug and alcohol counseling and find an Alanon group. A lot of the information you will receive here is about detaching with love and taking care of yourself but your son is a minor and that's coming from people who have been dealing with this a long time with their adult children. Do take care of yourself because this can literally kill you with worry. Do not enable in anyway, no money for your son at all, not a penny!! Like I said make his life difficult and let him face consequences. Keep posting, so sorry for your need to be here.
  8. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    Yes I do I have 3 girls , one in high school and Twins in middle school . Yes his dad is in his life , the thing is that he is out of town most of the time
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    You can see by my signature that we've been going down hell highway with our son for 5 years. This started at age 15 with weed and progressed. We rescued him for many years also. He never stopped the bad behaviors unfortunately. I was in shock for the first few years I think. I didn't know what the hell was going on! Up until that time he was literally a perfect, sweet, happy, adorable kid. And he loved his mommy!!! It's like puberty hit and bam. Something took over his brain.

    I can tell you this. We have three boys and the one that had it the easiest turned out the worst. You have three girls. I would never want them to go through what we went through in our home. I hated that our older sons went through it when they came home to save money after college. They both moved out earlier this year.

    Our younger son ruined the time we had when all of us were under one roof as adults. I'll never forgive him for that. I really won't.

    I pray that you don't have to go through what we've been through. It's a miracle my husband and I survived. I can see how it can ruin a marriage. We did blame each other, each other's name it.

    Now we are just happy he is living out of state which is where we sent him after his latest rehab. He is still floundering but at least we have a peaceful home. My husband is dealing with him now. I'm out. We do have good insurance but he has wasted six months there and not taking his addiction seriously. He thinks they're trying to make money off him. Really???? I explained that even when someone has cancer, money is made off them. That's the way it goes.

    I pray for him every day that he will find his path. He could end up being a statistic. I have to face that. Once you face that which is the hardest thing ever, the rest gets easier. No one should ever have to think that way but I'm a realist and that is my nature. I cannot control the outcome no matter what I do.
  10. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    yes I do want to get therapy for myself because I feel I can't do it alone , and I have a meeting today with all his teachers and principal because he has also been ditching classes and they told me of alternative schools the will need to go if he doesn't stop ditching . So there is some decisions I have to make even if it hurts
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Like someone said here, IF IT HURTS/IF IT'S HARD it's probably the right decision!!

    Parenting these kids is not easy or normal.
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  12. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    I understand sometimes I feel mad at his choices , sometimes sad , other times scared , so many emotions sometimes I feel I can't anymore , but I have three girls that I have to look up to and they need me strong .
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Ugh, what a mess.

    I do have regrets that we didn't come down harder when my son was still a minor. I don't know if it would have made a difference, but I do still wonder.

    Is there any way to break the cycle somehow? Maybe some combination of living with your dad or another relative, a new school, drug testing, etc.?

    I agree with the others, I would say no phone, no door on his bedroom, no spending money, etc. until he tests clean and stays clean.

    Maybe his counselor will have some ideas for income-based treatment or other options?

    I know just what you mean when you say your son is in there. It breaks my heart. My son has been at this for over 10 years now, and it gets harder and harder to see "him" in there anymore.
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I would suggest Teen Challenge. I would also consider getting a CHINS (child in need of supervision) through the courts.
    It essentially puts him on an informal probation. It might help him get court ordered interventions.
  15. Momyl

    Momyl New Member

    How would I do that?
  16. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    If he's addicted to Xanax, which he very well might be, he CANNOT safely quit by simply stopping the drug. Benzodiazapine, of which Xanax is one form, withdrawal can be FATAL, with the most common cause of death being violent seizures.

    Not only that, the physical effects of benzo withdrawal can last many months, the mental effects in some cases years.

    He must first be evaluated by a doctor specializing in addiction medicine to determine if he's addicted, and if so, to what depth. If so, he must be withdrawn from the medication under medical supervision with the initial withdrawal being done in an inpatient facility.

    We already know he's heavily abusing the drug: the experience where he was high, did all sorts of things, and then didn't remember any of it, is called a "blackout". It's caused by an overdose of benzos. Xanax is most notorious for causing blackouts if overused. Xanax is also notorious for causing risk-taking or violent behavior during blackouts.

    This isn't like opiates, where during withdrawal you might wish you were dead for a week or two, and may suffer from psychiatric side effects for a while afterwards, but if healthy, are not at risk of the withdrawal killing you.

    Benzos (and alcohol) are an entirely different story. Benzos and alcohol together are a good way to die.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Go to the juvenile courts and tell the clerk why you are there. They will guide you through the process.
  18. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Pasajes4... Contacting the juvenile court did nothing for us. LIttle Difficult Child did her 6 months of court services, and they probably thought she was a little saint. But within weeks the behavior that got her in to trouble the first time started up again.

    I contacted her previous court probation officer, the court, the juvenile intake person, and a juvenile detective. The court said she had completed her six months, and everything was dropped, the probation officer said he couldn't do anything without a court order, the intake officer was nice but just said, if I caught her breaking the law, call the police. The juvenile detective sighed...and admitted he was dealing the same issues with his teen daughter, but that mainly it is up to the parents to deal with the issues. Ugghhh.

    You know how hard it is to catch a sneaky teen girl??? I used to sit up at night, listening for footsteps on the roof...her sneaking in or out...or sneaking a run away friend in to the house...

    So sorry you are dealing with this... KSM
  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The one thing I did learn from this experience s that if Difficult Child ends up in juvenile intake, and the staff calls me and say I can come pick her up...I can refuse. Normally they release them back to the parents as soon as the intake process is complete. If you refuse, they have to hold them there and they will go before a judge with in two business days.

    The first time, we picked up Difficult Child, and then waited for weeks to find out if there would be any court involvement. We waited two months. Finally was told the court decided not to pursue any legal action.

    She snuck out again and we turned her in again, and they had us come and get her again. (I didn't know we could say no) we waited almost 6 weeks and then we did get papers from the court. Difficult Child was given 6 months of court supervision.

    After that was completed it was dropped. But things picked up again, leaving school with her "boyfriend" and sneaking out with him during the night. This time, I took proof to HIS probation officer of what was happening. The court added no contact with our Difficult Child as part of his probation.

    Even that didn't slow things down much. He ended up in jail and Difficult Child was furious. Now, I think they are "over" each other, he is living with another teen with two kids, but he is in jail now for domestic abuse, and also for felony criminal damage.

    It's a rough thing to go through. If she sneaks out, breaks curfew, or if I find drugs, I will turn her in again. Sad...but I think it puts the breaks on just a little. But it also makes her sneakier...

  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I believe the web site is

    Give them a call. They are in most states I believe. They quoted us a lot but it seems like they take what you can offer in payment and I've heard the ones in California are free.

    My son did not go there but I wish he had. However it's faith based but I think that is a good thing.