Emotionally exhausted

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Jenna0823, Nov 12, 2018.

  1. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    As I explained in a previous post my 31 year old estranged daughter has been a heroin addict and opioid addict since age 16. In those years she has been in rehabs and jail and even prison. My granddaughter who is 11 has only had her mother bits and pieces of her life. My sister and my deceased mother and I all took care of my granddaughter while my daughter was off doing her shenanigans. My granddaughters father recently overdosed on heroin after being clean for several years. Unfortunately my granddaughter was at his house when it happened. Over the years, my daughter has done extremely horrible things to me. I have come to realize thru reading and counseling that I am an enabler and a codependent doormat. She has stolen thousands from me by manipulating me or conning me or lying about needing money for fines etc. She has taken my debit card and stole money. She has gotten my bank info and used that for online purchases. She has been given 12 cars valuing about $90,000. She wrecked a few and some I took back and others she traded in because she wanted me to get her a nicer one. She has physically abused me quite a few times. Called me a whore or a fuc**ng bit** . Screams at me constantly. Pressures me to give her money or help her by making it seem like a massive emergency. I have signed for apartments to be left with a judgement because she stiffed them. I will tell you the reason that I realize that I did this is because I was afraid she would do more heroin if she was stressed out and I didn’t provide her all she needs to be happy and set her up for positive future. In reality I was a fool so many times to believe her lies but I always thought we were moving in a good direction. She sold me the dream. The dream of us getting close and doing mother daughter things together. Well I was fooled. Six months ago she was given joint custody of my granddaughter with my sister still keeping part of custody. I stopped buying the lies and refused to give her another car. She did tell me a great story about how we were going to live close to each other and blah blah if I gave her $2400 to get off probation early. Conned again. What confuses me is that she was clean when she did that recent con. Never paid me back ever. But now since she has my granddaughter back and of course is getting social security benefits for her since her dad died she doesn’t need me to con. She is turning my granddaughter against me. Blocked my number from her phone and iPad that of course I bought my granddaughter. My heart is broken. Last night I got to talk to my granddaughter for a short time because my son was on FaceTime with her playing video games. I told her I love her and miss her and hope to see her soon. Talked about school and hockey. My daughter was at work and the boyfriend was asleep so she could talk to me. My question really is, if my daughter is clean from drugs why is she ignoring me and keeping my granddaughter from me after all I have done for her. Her father has been dead since age 15. I have done it all. Way beyond what I should have. I have no addiction history so I don’t understand the current behaviors if she is clean now? Don’t they make amends? Do what’s right? She also has a 5 year old son living 900 miles away with the second baby daddy that she has abandoned and not contacted in any way since May after promising him she was coming back for him. She really was just conning his father to try to get money. Why has her behavior remained toxic while she is clean ? Please help me understand. Thank you
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Sometimes substance abuse hides a bigger problem, such as a personality disorder or mental health issues. So even when they are sober, the selfish manipulating behaviors continue.

    You have to set boundaries that you can hold tight on. Can you see your granddaughter when your sister has custody?

    I am sorry you are going thru this. Ksm
  3. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Yes I can. The only reason I didn’t get custody of her years ago was because they came and took my granddaughter when my daughter showed up at the school high to get her. They called CPS. They took my granddaughter and my sister took her because my daughter was living with me and they wanted my granddaughter to leave because my daughter was there. If I had only known then. My granddaughter is 7 hours away and my sister lives 12 hours away from her so it’s tough. My granddaughter wanted to come live with me in May and that made my daughter mad. If she is clean and can treat me like this still and steal and con me and abandoned her son it’s got to be a personality disorder?
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I wont diagnose her. But I am sorry.

    My guess is either she is not really clean or she just is a nasty person whether she takes drugs or is clean. Obviously she, like MANY adult children who bring us here, does not acknowledge or appreciate what you have done for her and cares not if she hurts you. You' d be surprised at how many adult kids who bring us here also WANT to hurt us, the ones who loved them best, rescued them, gave them so much. Often, after all the giving, they still blame us for their rotten lives and cut us off and never really tell us why. Grandkids are forced into the estrangement. Its awful and cruel :(

    Your daughter obviously by her behavior is not a particularly caring person. She has lost her son and is doing nothing to get visitation. That isnt normal. None of her behavior is the norm for adult kids. It isnt your fault. Kids grow up and forget or disregard what we taught them. Happens all the time.

    The good news, and it may not sound good now but one day maybe...is that although you can't control her behavior or get rational answers, you can change how YOU behave. I would never give her another dime and start focusing on your own life. Yes, you still have a life and it can be great! You matter!!! You are precious and loving!!!

    You must have other loved ones who are kind and loving....give them more of your time. Hang with nice friends. Do your hobbies, find new interests, take a class, vacation, dance, sing. You are not your daughter. Her bad life is not your bad life. You can only do so much about your sweet granddaughter but if your daughter isnt taking care of her, do call CPS.

    If you stay healthy and happy, that is the best gift you can give yourself and loved ones who truly care for you. And your granddaughter. She needs you healthy.

    Remember this too. It is powerful. Please read!

    God grant me the Serenity to accept the things we can not change,
    The Courage to change the things I can,
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  5. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I spend time with my grandson but he lives 7 hours away but will be with me for the summer. When I look at him I just want to cry. Why can’t she be his mother or make a phone call or send a card. She lied to him in April telling him she was moving there with him. Now she is pregnant with a third child from a third father. My grandson will wonder why his mother doesn’t care about him but has my granddaughter and the new baby girl she is carrying. I honestly am enjoying the peace and quiet away from her daily drama. It was everyday and the cursing using the f word. Her father talked like that. I won’t give her anything again. Keeping my granddaughter from me was really the breaking point. I think she must be clean because she is pregnant and she just got off probation in end of September and was being tested weekly. She relapsed after both kids she already has. It’s sad to hope she messes up again so I can save my granddaughter from whatever life she might have with her. They live in the same town my daughter started doing drugs in. You are supposed to get away from people places and things. I have good friends and my grandson and every once in a while get to say hello to my granddaughter. It’s hard not seeing her everyday though. People have told me my daughter uses and abuses me. It just took me longer to see it. When I did she cut me out of my granddaughters life. My punishment
  6. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Oh, Jenna, I hear the pain behind this question. As others have already said, too often addiction and drugging behaviors are just a symptom of deeper problems rather than the primary problem. If those problems are not addressed, there will still be problematic behaviors even without the drugs. It may be that your daughter has a personality disorder, or is dealing with some deep depresssion or another brain chemical imbalance, or is unable to feel empathy. None of those things EXCUSE the way she is treating you or her own children. But they may explain it.

    In the end, the diagnosis doesn’t matter. What matters is how she is behaving, and the fact that she is unwilling to go to therapy or otherwise get help for herself. It doesn’t sound like she believes there is anything wrong with her that needs fixing (which is itself a symptom of many mental illnesses). And as so many of us have learned through great pain, as parents we have no real power here to get unwilling adult children into treatment. You can’t change her. Perhaps one day she will have an epiphany that will lead her to change, but you can’t make that happen.

    It sounds to me like she is indeed punishing you because you have found your voice and set some boundaries. She is used to getting what she wants from you, when she wants it, and now feels entitled. She thinks what is yours is rightfully hers and she has been wronged because you are holding back support she expected you to give. Your granddaughter is the hostage here. She knows how much it hurts you to withhold contact and wants you to give in to her demands. But you know if you give in the demands will only continue and escalate. She will still feel entitled, and you will have taught her that hostage taking works.

    Early boundary setting is hell. It has taken me years to get to the point where my two accept my no without getting angry. Mostly, they kmow better than to ask on things they already know I’ll say no to. But I endured a lot of entitled tantrums for a while when I was learning to set my boundaries. It may be that your daughter will calm down eventually and accept your new boundaries. Or it may be that she never will, and the best thing for all involved will be if she loses custody of your granddaughter and the new baby to come.

    In the meantime, give yourself permission to enjoy the peace and quiet! You deserve it. You have done everything you can for your daughter and are maintaining the connections you can with your grands. SWOT has given you great advice on taking care of you. Find your joy, and give yourself permission to feel it.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I'm so sorry that you have to be here but am glad you found us.

    Please read a post on addiction that I just found that I think may help you SEE what addiction really is. I titled it "what is addiction".

    I do not have grandchildren so cannot comment on that pain but I do think YOU need to live a life that is happy and meaningful. You were not put on this earth to be manipulated by your daughter nor to make HER happy.

    You cannot save another person.

    She is not a little girl but a grown woman. If I were you I would take a break from her and the chaos she has surrounding her and focus on you.

    I do not know if you believe in God but if you do, you should pray for your own peace and strength. You have suffered long enough and it has not helped her at all. I would have given an arm to help my son.

    We do that because we are mothers and we think that we must suffer if they suffer even if they are making bad choices. The only one that can fix her life is HER.

    I do hope that you'll keep reading and posting here. There is much wisdom and kindness here.

  8. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thank you so much for helping me understand what’s happening. And yes I sure do believe in god and have faith in him. I pray everyday for god to bring my granddaughter back to me. I am afraid for her. As far as my daughter I have given up on praying for her to get better. She has never changed and surely hasn’t even without the heroin. She is pregnant and and has lupus so the chances of her relapsing are pretty high. Pain from the lupus and stress from the baby. She is not a good patient mother. She works all the time and let’s others raise her kids. I don’t believe it’s gods will for my granddaughter to live like that or for her to be held hostage away from me. I was always a very important part of her life everyday. I think I bought every stitch of clothes since she was born. My daughter is a lying con artist but I really thought it was the drugs but she has been clean since earlier this year and still hustled me out of a few thousand by telling me she needed it to get off probation early to move with me with my granddaughter. As soon as I gave it to her and refused to get her a car too she cut me off. That’s the thanks I get. And I am sure she is telling people nasty stuff about me. At my granddaughters dads funeral in July I went up to her and hugged her real tight and I got nothing. She was cold as ice. Then my son said at the luncheon afterwards she was making nasty faces at me as I walked around talking to people and laughing. I guess it made her mad that I wasn’t going to let her hurt me by keeping my granddaughter from me. Hugs.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I'm so sorry. Please don't let her manipulate you.

    I hope you have someone that you can go to for support such a spouse or friend.

    You really should let it go and focus on yourself.

    You cannot change her.
  10. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    I have good friends that are supportive. Maybe I should try counseling again. The last one I had two years ago warned me not to get involved with my daughter again. It’s easy to let go of my daughter but what about my granddaughter. That’s so hard
  11. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    First I want to say I'm sorry you're going through this as I know how difficult it is. My alcoholic daughter has my granddaughter, who I am very close to. I worry about her all the time. It's incredibly stressful. Remember that the behavior of an addict is irrational. When my daughter is drinking she is horrible to me. When she is sober we have a much different relationship. Fortunately for me she doesn't keep my granddaughter from me for a couple of reasons- 1) she works a double shift every Saturday at the bar she works at (yes, I know- an alcoholic working at a bar, wow!) so she needs childcare and 2) my granddaughter asks to come to my house frequently. I wish I had an answer as to why her toxic behavior continues, but it could be many things. She probably has other mental health issues besides the addiction, she probably is running habits developed over a long period of time. Many of these kids blame their parents for their poor behavior- it's easier than taking responsibility for destroying their own lives. I work hard to find ways to relieve my stress, with good and bad days. I always take a walk along the lake where I live with my dogs every single night. I'm lucky that I have a profession I am invested in, so I stay busy and engaged at work. I watch dumb TV shows, do puzzles and play games online. I read a lot. Try to treat yourself as you would a friend going through the same thing. Be kind and gentle with yourself and focus on things you enjoy. I try to keep my focus on me to achieve some peace of mind. Sending positive energy your way.
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  12. Jenna0823

    Jenna0823 Member

    Thanks so much for reaching out. I really do think my daughter has a personality disorder or mental health issues. Her behavior when clean or not clean is just cruel and abusive. I am doing better than I thought I would when she first started keeping my granddaughter from me. By the grace of god I am hanging in there. I don’t see how my granddaughter and unborn granddaughter could possibly be raised right by my daughter as she can’t even do what’s right in life. Treats me horrible and lies and cheats and steals and has a horrible temper. Hugs to you