Feeling guilty

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Guilty Mom, Nov 16, 2017.

  1. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    Our son who is 34 has been an addict since age 16. We have put bandaids and done everything to fix the trouble he has been in. Today we changed our locks and told him he could no longer live at the house. My chest is so tight I feel like I am having a heart attack and so sick to my stomach. Any advice?
     
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  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    GM

    Welcome and hang tough. Read my past posts. We are in the same boat.

    Take care of yourself. Please find therapy or a meeting group to help you!

    I know the feelings you describe oh so well.

    You are giving them their only chance at recovery.

    You are not alone. Welcome and sorry you need to be here. Very glad you found us though.

    This sight has been the best thing I have ever found to support me through this difficult journey.
     
  3. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    Thank you for responding. I definitely need to be here and am glad I stumbled on this forum.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is hard, but he is 36 and all your fixing and bandaides didnt help. Not at all. Not all the money and sweat and tears you put into him. I imagine through the years you put up with his abuse, theft, maybe violence...it is time to get out of his way and let him sink or swim. Its all up to him. Your house should be your sanctuary. It is time for you to start to know yourself again. You have done all you can...but he is the one who has to do it.

    I strongly suggest therapy for you. This is not easy and you will want to give in to him when he manipulates you into guilt and shame.

    Have you gone to Al Anon? It saved me, along with my therapist.

    I am sad for your heart, but feel you did the best thing for all of you, son included. He needs to learn to function without you. None of us can live forever......
     
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  5. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Welcome! Sorry you found us but I am sure it may be giving you the same comfort it has given us all. I don't really have any 'wise' words as such but to say, I feel your pain. It is so hard and I cannot imagine a time when the feeling will go away and we can live our lives. Come here often and take comfort from others in the same or similar situation, especially some of the ones that have been here for years that have probably done everything we are doing now. Hugs xx
     
  6. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    Thanks for your response. I have been told many times that he did not need to live in our home. He has always been able to get a job but loses them bc drugs get in the way. I feel he has robbed me of joy. Always worrying about him. This has gone on so long it might not be fixable. I just feel sick to my stomach and yes he has put a guilt trip on me...like this is the way you treat your son? This forum will be good for me
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Actually, he is right. This IS the way you treat your son. The son you love more than life. The son you want to finally grow up and fly right. You want him to have to start living with the consequences of his choices and his addiction, so you stopped enabling him. It just might have saved his life.

    So to answer him, YES. This IS the way you treat your son. Is that how he treats his parents?? To manipulate and abuse them? I can pretty much guarantee he didn't contribute to the household, or tell the truth, or honor his father and mother. So is that how he treats his parents? Those questions go both ways.

    By making him move out, you are making him unhappy and uncomfortable. He is trying to use guilt and manipulation to get you to continue to enable him. Don't fall for it. Let him continue to be unhappy and uncomfortable. It is the ONLY way that he has a chance to become clean and sober. He has to get so sick and tired of the drug life that he wants to change. Not to talk about wanting to change, but to really want to change. It will mean that no one can give him much support, which is super hard.

    Make sure you have support to see you through this. Go to AlAnon Family Groups or NarcAnon Family Groups and also give a private therapist a try. Look for one who specializes in substance abuse or addiction issues and/or codependency. Some people find one or the other is most helpful, some find that both AlAnon/NarcAnon and private therapy are what they need. Just be sure you have all the support you have as you walk this difficult path. Be sure to keep reading and posting here also. We have been there and we truly understand. No one will judge you here. If you are not ready to take advice given here, that is okay. No one expects you to take it all at once, or even a little at a time.

    Keep a close eye on your health during this time. This places a huge amount of stress on you, which can cause real health problems. You were feeling like you were having a heart attack and were sick to your stomach yesterday evening. Did you get that checked out? While it could just be stressed, those symptoms are nothing to play around with or ignore. Please get checked out by your doctor very soon if you didn't go see a doctor last night. In the future, please go see a doctor or call 911 at the first sign of a heart attack or any other signs of major health problems. Your son will need you during his battle with addiction. So will the rest of your family.

    It really is true that we have to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. We have all heard that in airplanes they tell you to put your oxygen mask on and then to put your child's oxygen mask on. This is because if your child passes out but you don't, you can move your child and put his mask on for him. But if you pass out, your child cannot move you and put your mask on for you. The ordeal of addiction is much like this. You have to take care of your health first. If you get so worn down that your body gives out, your addicted son will also be so worn down that he won't be able to take care of you. You have to be strong enough to take the needed steps to keep your son where he needs to be (out of your house, for one thing! and out of your bank account for another!). If you get sick and he has to try to care for you, he will be in your house and in your bank accounts, etclll

    Please go to the Emergency Room or call 911 if you feel you are having a heart attack. Just because you have a stressful situation going on, doesn't mean you are not having a heart attack. It is MUCH better to go get checked out and find out you did not have a heart attack than to tough it out and later find out that part of your heart is damaged because you thought it was just stress.
     
  8. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    Thanks for your great response. My chest gets tight when I think of my son. As you well know addicts are selfish and everything is about them. I wonder why we let this go on for 16 years. I took a urine sample to the lab and paid 50 just because I wanted to know right then what he had taken. There were 5 drugs that turned up positive. I love him being gone. He is messy and always hungry. Of course no $$ contributions. I know many are going thru the same thing. So glad I found this site. I get to see what others are going thru.
     
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    GM
    It is in our own time that we do what we can to detach and not enable our addicted loved ones.

    My son is usually a constellation of pharmacopeia when tested as well. I find that very frightening.

    His path to take his story to write. I have had a terrible day emotion wise. Can’t stop crying.

    It will pass and I know this because he has put me here before. This time was a whopper however so I will forgive myself the indulgence of saddens.

    Yes my son was very much like yours, disruptive and messy, but no appetite and wasteful of food. I am finding it peaceful without his constant chaos. I am beginning to appreciate that he is in a safe place even if it is jail.

    I have PTSD and I too get severe chest pain st times. Checked out and affirmed it was stress. It goes with the territory.

    A recommendation was made for a number of helpful books, and YouTube meditations. I have found Pema Chodron to be very calming.

    Pema Chödrön - Wikipedia
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome!

    Send him on his way to figure out his life. He is way too old to be living at home!

    We sent our son away at age 20 and he's still not sober but I think he's finally in a place that can really help him.

    I don't want any of our children living at home long term. And definitely not someone with substance abuse issues. It's not good for anyone.

    It's time to live YOUR life for YOU!
     
  11. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Welcome Guilty Mom,
    You may eventually think of changing your name, because although I understand why you may feel guilty, you should certainly not feel that way. You have done nothing wrong. You are just caught up in the FOG (fear, guilt, obligation), as we all have experienced.
    I'll continue following along with your thread, as you tell us more. I understand so well. My own son was 36 when I also had to ask him to leave our home - That was a couple years ago. And I know I can not have him here again. You can read my threads from back then to get the full story. So many of our stories here have a common thread, and sound so familiar and similar. I remember feeling just as you described in the quote above. I could not breathe, and thought I would soon die if he continued to stay with me. I had to make him leave to save myself.

    I'm glad you found us. I know what a relief it is to share with folks who understand and to know you are not alone. If you have not done so already, please read (and re-read again and again) the Detachment Article on the Parents Emeritus Forum. Here's the link: Article on Detachment

    Stay with us us here and keep posting and reading others' threads of what they have been through and learned. There is so much wisdom, guidance and comfort here to get you out of the FOG mindset. Others here have been through tthe same thing and survived.
    Know that you did the right thing, and that you are going to be alright! Take care.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 17, 2017
  12. Southern51

    Southern51 New Member

    You're doing the right thing. He's not a child, and treating him as such by letting him live at home does him no good - it stunts his emotional growth, and at the end of the day, it protects him from the negative consequences of his choices, consequeces that he MUST experience in order to have a chance at changing his life. He's an adult. At his age, living at home is not normal, unless he's disabled or there's some kind of an emergency. Again, you're doing the right thing. Take care.