Feeling hopeless...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ksm, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if I should post on this forum or the general parenting one. Today was the last straw. After a bunch of lies from my Difficult Child I went to the police station. We have had lots of drama in the last couple weeks. There is some substance abuse involved but mainly I think it's her ODD that puts things over the top.

    We let her spend last night at my sons house, her bio dad, and her sister. Sometime during the night she left. Which means someone picked her up. She texted her dad at 5:30 AM and said her sister didn't want to take her to school so her friend destiny picked her up. And that she would text me so that I would know. At 8 AM she text me that destiny picked her up and she was at destiny's house and getting ready for school.

    I drove over to destiny's house and both their cars still had frost on the windshield. I told Difficult Child to turn on her GPS so that I could see that she was at destiny's house. She then texted they had just left to go get breakfast at McDonald's. She said destiny and her mom would drop her off at school. Both girls attend a small learning center for those doing alternate school.

    I drove to the school and waited and I saw destiny and her mom pull up. I drove up to their car and ask if they knew where Difficult Child was. They had not heard from her today. Then I get a text from Difficult Child that another girl's going to drop her off at the learning center. I called the school and that girl was already in class.

    I was two blocks from the police station so I went and made a report. Then I got a call from Destinys mom that they had found her and brought her to their house. I told her about the police report and Difficult Child preferred that the police pick her up there, than for me to come get her.

    So now I'm waiting for a phone call saying that she was picked up and taken to juvenile detention. After an intake process they will probably call me and offer me to pick her up. But this would be the third time and I'm not playing this game anymore.

    We will probably have to pay 200 a day until she sees a judge which is probably Monday because they have a three business day span to do that.

    Last month I found white powder in a line on a broken phone with a piece of rolled up monopoly money beside it. I confiscated it and confronted her with it. Of course there were many promises from her. Last week I found a small glass weed pipe in my car. Several days ago two teenage girls came to my house while Difficult Child was here banging on the doors and actually trying to open them .

    Two days ago she said her and her friend were being chased around town by someone she didn't know and was afraid she was going to get jumped.

    I'm not sure what to feel. I feel betrayed. I feel mad. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like wanting to give up. I feel like why did I bother to adopt someone who could do this to me? Not just once or twice but she has been lying to me for several years.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just waiting to get a phone call from the police or juvenile detention that she is there. Ksm

    Ps...this time Difficult Child is my younger adopted granddaughter
     
  2. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am so sorry you are going through this heart ache and anxiety. However given that she has lied to you , manipulated you and is still on drugs, I would not pick her up from the centre. She needs to face the consequences of her choices. And you need some peace right now. Hugs to you!
     
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Wisernow. I just got off the phone with the secretary at juvenile detention. Luckily, or unluckily... She remembers me from the previous times that Difficult Child was taken in. She was very helpful and asked me the right questions. Two police officers were there listening to the speaker phone. They are waiting for her to give a sample so they can drug test her.

    We made the decision for her to stay there until she goes before the juvenile judge. I am aware we will probably charge about $200 a day. Since were in the middle of the week she might see the judge on Monday or should maybe see the judge on Friday.

    They have to have her before a judge within 72 business hours so the weekend doesn't count. I was asked to bring a couple changes of clothes and pajamas.

    I am hoping the court orders a case manager through the mental health department and a probation officer as I am not able to make her follow the rules.

    She is very intelligent and manipulative and if the police didnt have copies of her texts to me, they would probably think I was making all this up. Or that I planted paraphanalia in her room just to get her in trouble. She has her friends and their moms convinced I am crazy.

    Ksm
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    So sorry, KSM.

    I had hoped your daughter was doing better, since breaking up with the older boyfriend who created so much drama.

    Is daughter #1 back in town, now?

    Apple
     
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    ApleCori, older daughter is back home (with her dad) and working part time. I had always thought she would have the most problems...as she was very impulsive and did stupid stuff. Younger Difficult Child is truly worse. Because she is very intelligent and calculating and manipulative.

    Her older sister would not plan out any of the stuff younger sis does. There have been elaborate back stories. It makes your head spin.

    Her UA at juvenile detention was positive for meth.

    I can't even...

    Ksm
     
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Oh no--meth!

    I wonder if she was doing that with the aforementioned boyfriend, or just started in alternative school.

    Our son went to alternative school, too, and picked up even more bad habits ( and bad friends) there. Of course, the other kids parents could say the same thing about him--he was caught with enough drugs at the school to be charge with selling. Lucky for him, he wasn't charged and had counseling instead. Didn't help.

    Hopefully the court system can give you some help!

    Apple
     
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Ugh and double ugh...so sorry.
     
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Apple, I think the old boyfriend introduced her to drugs and meth... But I really don't think they are together at this time.

    Hope I hear when the court hearing in tomorrow...

    I did find out one bit of information from older daughter... That on Monday, Difficult Child had us worried because she was texting us that she was afraid she was going to be beat up...and someone in a white car was following them and chasing them all over town. Her friend was trying to lose them, and she didn't want to come home as she didn't want them to know where we Lived.

    It. Was. All. A. Scam. Who would do that to someone who loved them??

    It was just to spend more time with friends and to escape getting in trouble for being late.

    Ksm
     
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    The district attorneys office called me and told me I have to pick my child up. She won't be going before a judge within 72 hours.

    If I don't pick her up I will be charged with child abandonment.

    We have no services set up to help us in the situation. I have been on the phone for two hours trying to get help.
     
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Well Difficult Child is home now and not a happy camper. One lady from the detention center talk to both of us and told us she would probably go to court in two weeks and they're suggesting probation officer and alcohol and drug assessment and treatment.

    So maybe we will get help in a few weeks.

    Ksm
     
  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    A 16 year old is positive for meth, and the system doesn't think she needs help?

    No counseling, no rehab, no type of program?

    That's crazy.

    It sounds like older sis is doing well, though!

    Glad she told you what is going on with younger sis.

    Have you found any help for her?

    Apple
     
  12. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    When I picked her up, I was told that she should have court in two weeks. The woman in charge at Juvenile Detention made a list of suggestions to hive to the DA.

    Sorry I am not too clear headed. The past two days were very stressful and now I have husband in the ER for rectal bleeding. Quite a bit of bleeding. Waiting for a cat scan.

    KSM
     
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear they are going to make her go in front of the DA. Maybe this will scare her. How is she doing now?

    Is your husband OK?

    Did you all get back home?
     
  14. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    This will be the second court hearing in 1.5 years. Last time was for running away (hid out for 3 days with boyfriend help) when in I take, positive for weed. That time she had a 6 month supervision. She completed it successfully. Then nice all supervision stopped she slowly started messing up.

    husband was diagnosed with diverticulitis. Started him on two antibiotics. And a probiotic. We see family doctor on Monday. They will probably schedule a colonoscopy. To me it seemed like a lot of rectal bleeding... But his blood work was normal.

    Then had to take Difficult Child to walk in clinic for upper respiratory and sore throat. Didn't get Rx for that, but did for a possible infected spider bite she got while in detention. But I can't get her to take the antibiotic for it.

    Then went to my dentist to be a Guinea pig. He got a new laser machine and I had a procedure that they could try it on. They used it to excise some gum tissue so they could work on some decay on a tooth that is part of a three tooth bridge. Glad they could fix the tooth without removing bridge... It was put on about 12 years ago and was two grand back then.

    Difficult Child doesn't want to discuss anything. When I ask about the positive drug test...she explains its not her fault, she thought it was just weed, she didn't know it had meth in the pipe. Yea, right. Just admit and take responsibility!!!
     
  15. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    sorry, the lies are exhausting.

    Hope your husband is ok.
     
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She still won't discuss anything...I told her I would like to be able to talk to her and for her to be able to show some remorse for what has happened. She actually said she had shown remorse to some people, but it won't be towards me! WTH?

    My son, her bio dad, stopped but after work, and she wouldn't talk to him.

    She actually thinks that we should have told her we were going to call the police...and gave her a chance to come home after multiple lies.

    I am so sick of this.

    Ksm
     
  17. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Ksm,

    Just the fact that we swallow the lies at times makes me sick. I can hear you at how disgusted you are, after a couple of roller coaster weeks here, I get it.

    Find peace for yourself, she's never gonna say what u want to hear.

    Have a glass of wine, take bath...relax, just take a. Break...Ill take a deep breathe for you..
     
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  18. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I am so
    Sorry for how painful this must be. And worrying about your husband also....

    I imagine you are emotionally and physically exhausted.... I hope you at least get some rest.

    I have no advice. I work daily with difficult children, as a guidance counsellor, and I'm dealing with my own. I wish I had answers... I try to help kids with their emotions and regulating them at school, and yet I'm falling apart myself at home.

    My heart hurts for parents who are doing their best, and I get so angry at those I see who are not. It's a tough world.

    I want you to know, I see that you are trying your very best. Hugs...
     
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  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    ksm. This is an impossible situation.
    I cannot understand how the system could fail you in this way. Basically making you responsible for the behavior of a law-breaker and also exposed to the bad behavior and the risk presented by her cohorts.
    I think this was a wise choice.
    Horrible. But better you know. Are you in the USA or Canada? If Canada, she is of age very shortly, is this not correct? If USA, have you thought of Job Corps? This is a free job training program where the kids get fully supervised, they live there. My son did it. I believe they accept kids as young as 16 or 17. They accept kids with problems.

    I will only state what I feel: I am old. I think you are younger than I am, but not a spring chicken, either. Your husband has an illness, that can be exacerbated by stress. You cannot stop her from self-destructing. You have done everything, and then did it again, with each of these girls. I think I might do only the minimum required by the law so as to not get in trouble yourselves.

    All of this you will find in earlier threads: take the phone; take off the doors; take away the computer; have a strict curfew. Put on a front door lock with a keypad which will have a secondary code to put on when she has not arrived home by the indicated time (I am unsure if this is legal; I would call the police and find out. Actually, I would sit down with a juvenile probation officer and with child welfare and I would find out from them exactly what are your obligations, and what kinds of consequences you can legally give her.) Then call the police and report her missing. Check in with school every day to see if she has arrived. If not, call the appropriate department to report her missing. You get my drift.

    Finally. You understand now that you have no control over her, her decisions and conduct. You must accept this. You only control yourself and your responses. All of this you will review with appropriate authorities. It is a waiting game now until she is of age.

    Personally, I would withdraw. I would marginalize her in the house to the extent that you can. I would try very hard to not personalize this (I know how hard this is). While you are her victim, it is not personal. She would be doing this to any mother. You need to get yourself out of the way.

    Finally. Finally. Whatever you can do for yourself, do it. Activities. Groups. Whatever is your hobby: quilting, sewing, crochet, an art class, church, horseback riding, martial arts, a book club, bridge, mah jongg, whatever. At home I would set up a sanctuary where you can quietly read, sit, watch tv. The important thing is that you and your husband get through this without major damage. I know how hard it is. Really. I do.

    I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am glad you are here. Take care.
     
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  20. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Hang in there, ksm. :tinfoilhatsmile: