I am another (step) parent who understands the shame and embarrassment, the pain and the guilt, of those of us whose children who don't thrive - heck, whose kids don't even function in many ways.
Society, and even relatives, place the blame on us making it even worse. These situations are so hard for extended family to accept sometimes, it seems all certain people wish to do is lay blame at the feet of another, especially the parents's feet. If you had never divorced his father, if you were better educated, if you didn't yell at him when he was small, etc. etc....insert excuse here.....this would never have happened to your child. When the reality is much more complicated. Children go off the rails for many reasons, complex and interweaving. Genetics, environment, temperament and resiliency all play a role in my opinion.
While I believe that most families live their own version of this hell (perhaps not with their children but with other relatives), the truth is most of us put on a plastic smile and fake our way through life, not wanting to reveal what we believe are weaknesses. This is a shame and keeps us all locked in an emotional gulag. We all believe other families are "normal" when those families are looking at us and wishing they had what we have! When the truth is we are all hurting.
Perhaps if we as a culture were more open and honest about the reality and impact of mental illness and addiction on our families there would be less stigma.
It is important for us to grieve the loss of our dreams for our children. No parent gazes down at their infant in their arms and thinks, One day you will be a drug addict, one day you will be bipolar, one day you will attempt suicide and nearly succeed, one day you will cause so much pain that I will have no choice but to place you in residential treatment. NOBODY thinks any of these things. But these things sadly can and do happen and this board is proof of how many families are affected.
At the same time we must have hope. Hope that our children can learn from their mistakes and follow a better path. Hope that medical science can create effective treatments for mental illness and addiction (in many cases these treatments already exist). Hope that our love can lead our children back home and help them find a place in the world where they can be successful. I wish that for all of us - sooner rather than later.
