Finally back to Al-Anon to get sanity back from Mr. 35'/enabling

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, May 31, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I've been a mess lately, drawn into his stuff, having to fight with him over his swearing at me and name calling, it's almost like trying to help a toddler who is having a nonstop tantrum, but he is 35. Yesterday, we were talking nicely and suddenly I said something he didn't like and he said, "You are SO dumb. You re as dumb as ex." I said that if he called me any more names I would hang up, but it was too late. HE had already hung up! He thinks he's entitled to calling me names and that he is in the right and that I'm unreasonable to expect him to be respectful to me because he's going through such a hard time and has anxiety disorder badly (and let's not forget...drinks every night and is prescribed eight Xanax a day). I don't know if he is taking the Xanax or not right now. I don't think so because he's complained he can't afford "my psychiatric medications."

    He had a real winner of a psychiatrist who prescribed 800 mgs. of Lamictal and eight Xanax a day. I really don't know what he is taking. All I know is I'm enabling his horrible behavior by even lending him an ear since he is being so abusive that I'd never go near him physically. As he sent me angry texts about how he isn't going to talk to me about his problems anymore if I'm going to get unreasonably angry at him...I turned off my phone and looked up the next Al-Anon meeting (since there is no CODA here). I believe that things happen for a reason. There was a meeting close by an hour from then.

    I went. It was such a relief to be with others who understood and had done the same thing...enabled. I am so steeped into enabling this adult child that I didn't see it coming. With Julie it was easy to know better because she was obviously using drugs and could have died. But, to be honest, even while using drugs, Julie's niceness and ambivalence about her behavior and good heart came through. 35 doesn't have those qualities.

    I lost Scott. I just don't want to lose another son. I may have to. That's just the way it is. I have to get used to it. It's not like he was a huge part of my life before the divorce. He never called me when he was married. I don't know my grandson. My family is really Tom, Sonic, Jumper and Julie (and my doggies). I would also include Julie's boyfriend of ten years.

    I'm going to go to as many Al-Anon meetings that I can and if it turns out that 35 decides to shut me out, so be it.

    My life is so good other than 35, but it's amazing how one person who is so unpleasant and mean all the time can outweigh all the others in your life.

    I'm only at Step One, but it was a relief to give 35 over to God. He can handle him. I simply can't anymore.

    Just a tired vent.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations! I am so glad you took a step to make this better for you!
  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I don't know why they think they can treat us this way - if they treated their friends the same they wouldn't have any!

    Turning it over to a HP is a great idea - time to let go.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LOLOL! He *doesn't* have any MALE friends. Although he doesn't treat the girls he meets quite this badly, he has said some really insensitive, teeth-grinding things to a few who were not working out. Mean stuff.

    I think he is personality disordered...part antisocial, part narcissistic, part borderline. He doesn't fit either to a "T" but he fits the profile of somebody with a personality disorder. Thanks for your support as you have mine. It is heartbreaking to have a child already in his 30's (as you know) and nowhere near having his life together or being a grown up.

    I did turn it over to my HP and it was a load off my shoulders.

    (((Hugs))) back at ya!
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    MWM I am so glad you took this first step to remove yourself from the drama. I'm also sorry 35 makes it necessary to do so.
  6. MWM - Good for you. I'm glad you got to the meeting and are committed to going to as many as you can. It sounds like it is really going to be helpful for you. I can certainly understand why you want to hang on to Mr.35 after losing your other son. It must have been very heartbreaking and difficult and you wouldn't want to go through that again.

    He sounds a lot like my 17 year old - only twice the age. He just hasn't matured or found the coping skills he needs to deal with life's problems. I would agree with you that he sounds narcissistic or borderline for sure. My difficult child exhibits a lot of the personality disorder traits too. I'm just waiting to see if he matures out of them or into them. Sigh. Right now he reminds me of a perfect blend of my alcoholic passive-aggressive manipulative uncle and my definitely borderline non-functioning in society aunt (both on my mothers side). I think my mom is borderline too but she functions better than my aunt does.

    *Keep going to those meetings - you sound like a weight has been lifted and you are finding a little more peace already.