Geographical "cure" isn't working...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Dec 6, 2016.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Difficult Child was getting into so much trouble in Boulder and then Denver (people trying to kill him, he said-could be drug/booze fuelled psychosis) that his dad bought him a ticket to Vegas, where he lives, and then they left the next day to drive to San Diego , where Difficult Child was born. Dad is staying with him for a week and trying to establish him in the system. Extreme and enabling, but neither of us could stand the thought of him freezing in Colorado and he's used up pretty much all of his resources there-either by refusing to use them or preferring to be drunk/high.

    So, they've been there 6 days. Difficult Child doesn't seem to like it there. He likes some parts, but wouldn't even get out of the car when his dad took him down to a tent community that was like Skid Row. They've been to all sorts of agencies and so far have had no luck. He had a dr appointment to get medications, but the doctor wants to start him on the lowest dose possible and Difficult Child doesn't want that. He made 2 followup appointments and threw the card in the trash on the way out. Can't get SSI, as he doesn't have a permanent street address. Benefits like food stamps only last for 3 months and you have to prove you're looking for a job. Difficult Child doesn't want a job. He doesn't want to be in a program. medications that cost $6 on Colorado Medicaid cost $1,100 in California.

    He called me to say that he'd originally wanted to go to San Francisco, but his dad dissuaded him, saying it gets cold and wet there. I asked him why he wanted to go there and he said "For obvious reasons". Meaning he wants to whore himself out-he's bisexual, leaning more towards males. I asked if that was how he wanted to earn his money and live his life and he said he's been doing it for about 10 years anyway.

    I'm at a total loss. I need to be hit over the head with the fact that he doesn't want to work or have any kind of normal life. He really wants his father or I to take care of him, without any effort on his part.I have known this for a while, but it's SO difficult for me to accept that. His ideal life is just getting high and drunk and having other people pay for it.

    Is that what it sounds like?

    My therapist told me that EVERYTHING is up to him. She also said that in all her years of therapy, my son is in the top three of the most damaged and dangerous people she has ever come across.

    I'm at work, just reeling from all this. Last week, when he arrived in Vegas and they were on their way to Cali (I moved back to Illinois and am taking a 2 month trip to Europe next week, because I'm semi retired and I've been to Hell and back) I was so happy and optimistic. Now I feel it was the biggest mistake.

    by the way, he is pushing all sorts of guilt buttons about me being out of the country during the holidays and his birthday (Dec. 27th) and I'm eating it all up with a fork and spoon. I REALLY need a sea change, because I feel myself going backwards, guiltier, more oppressed by HIS lifestyle, instead of getting on with my own.

    Nothing more to be done.
  2. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    I'm so sorry for your pain. I read a really interesting post on here recently about accepting the fact that our DCs don't choose to live by our moral code and that they are, as adults, entitled to choose the path they walk in life. What they are not entitled to do however is to live in this chaos whilst holding there hand out to us constantly.
    I think your 2 month trip to Europe (how exciting) will give you the distance and space you need to regroup. Maybe consider just being available in an emergency. You don't need to hear his drama while you are away. The guilt is the worst. But pointless and torturing. You are entitled to take your trip, have a blast, I'm guessing you've worked hard for it.
    Other wise words will follow but know we're all here for you x
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Black gnat:

    Oh good grief. Isn't it always the way things work out. When they sound/seem so good and then go South?

    Bottom line is I think it's good son is someplace warm. That is one less worry.

    I don't have any experience with or anything to offer on the rest of it but as you know many others do.

    I just wanted to offer my support and tell you to have a wonderful trip that you SO deserve and find some peace and detach and live for YOU during this hiatus!
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Take your trip, girl. You deserve it.

    No mother has tried harder to help her kid than you. He won't let you. That doesn't mean you need to feel guilty and put off your vacation because he wants to have you when he wants you.

    Please think of yourself for once!
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2016
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BG, go on your trip. Take care of you now. Don't allow guilt to stop you, you can pick it all back up when you return. GO.

  6. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    BG, I think you should go. He doesn't want a job, he doesn't want to be in a program...

    As you said, he wants to his father or you to take care of him so he doesn't have any responsibilities, and he wants YOU to feel guilty when you won't go along with such an unreasonable demand.

    Go. Go with a clean conscience. No one has done more for their child than you.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I concur with everybody else. Go on your trip. Do not be easily reachable. Check in 2x a week, with your ex, if you must.

    Your son is consistently clear about his desired lifestyle. I cannot recall how many times there have been false starts at recovery, treatment, since you have been posting. He seems to use constructed emergencies or at the very least, take advantage of real ones, to get intensive attention and resources, and then bail. Every single time.

    In retrospect these were not true crises. They were the natural consequences of his choices. Which he makes again and again and again. Caring less if he uses you, and runs you through the ringer. He could care less.

    You deserve so much more. You have achieved so much in your time here. He plays you like a violin. Now you not only see it, you are able to stay committed to yourself. The guilt is the hardest to let go. But don't accept that from him. The cruelty of it.

    Imagine a grown man as if taunting his mother that he prostitutes himself. I am offended for you.

    Let him live his lifestyle. There is no judgement from me. He will like SF. If he is sociable and outgoing, he will have fun and there will be a lot of support. He could immerse himself in a fun, wild lifestyle, and it could work out for him. He will be in a milieu I which he feel he fits. I hope. Let him be.

    Go and have fun. We forgive him. But let him be. And you go be, too. It is time. The right time. Do it.

    I almost think he pulls out all of the stops in order to MAKE you believe you do not deserve to have a life. That he deserves to sap every dime and dollar; every bit of energy, to as if consume you.

    Go to Europe. I wouldn't even call. I would not. I would be free.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Your trip sounds AMAZING! You MUST go!!!! It would so much a mistake to let a whiny toddler in grown up clothes throwing a whiny tantrum stop you!!! Sort of like not going out on a date because your 2 year old cried when the babysitter came. Two minutes after you left the child was happy and playing, and staying home would have just ruined everyone's night.

    It may be time to accept that your son is beyond your help. You are pouring resources into a black hole and all he is doing is resenting you for it while demanding more. He claims he wants this, and it horrifies you, as it would most parents. But it isn't up to you, and you cannot let it ruin your life.

    I know he is your son, but if you could step back a bit, and look at it, what was a change of scenery supposed to do? Other than get him out of the cold weather, changing where you are doesn't leave your addictions or baggage behind.

    IF your son is like my brother, I honestly believe your trip was the impetus for this latest crisis. Almost ANY?EVERY time my parents have a trip, party or event planned, he will have an emergency or crisis. He will pick a fight, come in bleeding from some 'accident', need to talk RIGHT NOW, etc.... Some are pretty funny, as are some of the ways my parents handle them. But others are NOT. Big trips often have some property related crisis that requires a chunk of cash. Your son likely figured that if you had all that money for the trip, he could get it if he had an emergency. Wouldn't that be a big party for him???

    You gave him a good childhood, as good as you could. You never once, not one single time, woke up and asked yourself, "How can I mess my kid up the most today?". He is a full fledged, out of the nest, legal adult. It is time for him to fly. On his own, on his own dime, without any kind of support from you except positive emotional support given within very strict boundaries. Whatever boundaries YOU choose.Otherwise, ignore the little brat.

    RIght now he is choosing boundaries and trying to con you. Go on the trip and have a wonderful time. Dance, Laugh, Sing, Read, Eat, Celebrate, and Enjoy!!! You DESERVE this!!!!

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  9. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If he has resigned himself to this life, there may not be anything anyone can do. It sounds like he has refused help. The drugs have overtaken him. My son's mother sold her body for cocaine. She felt the addiction was too strong to overcome. It gutted her to give up her parental rights. We tell our son it wasn't that she chose drugs over him. She simply didn't have the skills to stop using cocaine. It's not that your son chose drugs over his family. He is in over his head. Drug addiction does that to people, and the addicted brain thinks it can't stop. From what I've seen, the 12-step programs don't work. I think the rehab centers need to come up with a different form of treatment.

    I know you must be worried about so many different things that could happen to him, and your fears aren't unfounded. An addict has to be ready to accept help. Addicts know they have a major problem. Many go to rehab because it is what they know they should do, or what they need to do, but not always because it's what they want to do. At some point, there will finally be that mindset and realization.

    Try to enjoy your trip. You have done what was required of you. My son's mom was offered rehab by her mom multiple times. Her mom (my son's grandma) threw her out because she wouldn't stop using cocaine. She even locked her in the house but she managed to get out and buy crack. There is only so much you can do.
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  10. sam ilpa

    sam ilpa New Member

    Black gnat, I'm sorry that this is what you're going through. It seems you are aware of your strengths and what you are having a hard time with. That is a ray of light and your lighthouse to follow through this storm. Go on your trip and don't take any calls. I'm glad you found this community. My adult daughter w similar lifestyle and complaints moved to a town about 3 hours away just this past Sunday to "escape" people/herself. Frustrating and heartbreaking. I send you positive energy and prayer.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    One of my adopted children also had a birth mother who was a prostitute for drugs. It's not uncommon for street people to do this because it's money that they can buy their drugs with and other things. That's how many get away without working. I don't understand the choice but I'm not them
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    BG bless you.

    Keep going to your therapist. Let her help you keep your head on straight. She is right. There is NOTHING you can do for a person who wants no help. They will undo it all faster than you can think.

    Your son is with his dad---my son's dad kept on and on and on, too, for a long time after I stopped. Let that be enough. Relax into that. Even though you and I know it's enabling...again to try to figure things out for someone who will have NONE of it---throws the card in the trash can as he is walking out the door...just go on that trip and know your exhusband is the first line of defense here, for now. Until he "gets it" too, and he will, in time, when he is ready.

    I used to be both furious and grateful that my ex-husband, Difficult Child's dad, kept on and on after I stopped. He prolonged the inevitable---the day when everybody finally stopped and my Difficult Child had to face himself full on---and perhaps helping to kill him in the meantime, but he also gave me peace knowing someone who loved him was on guard. It's crazy-making, all fo this. have come miles and miles. Keep going. You cannot fix this. I wish you could, but you can't. Go, and enjoy and rest and breathe and dance and just be.

    It will all be here when you get back.
  13. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks for all the wisdom and support. I will be going on my trip and never had any intention of cancelling it-that would really be giving him too much control!

    Latest is a text from him last night, that he was being arrested. He has only been on his own since Thursday. Not sure if I can take this...
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He is safer in jail.

    Enjoy your trip,!
  15. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Just got a call from him. He's not on jail. He THINKS he got arrested and released with a warning but can't remember. Because he bought some Valium from a kid and drank wine, so blacked out. He wanted money because he left his backpack at a guy's house but doesn't know where it is and his phone charger is in there and could I give him money for a new charger? No.

    I am so dysfunctional that this news is more heartening to me than the prospect of him being in jail though I do agree that he's safer there. This new development is business as usual and I 'm familiar with the chaos...
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Oh, BG I'm sorry. When do you leave?????? Sooner the better. Once you're across the Pond, that will be a good thing. Release him to God/Your Higher Power/The Universe/A force for Good...whatever you want to call it.

    Your job is done. He is 27 years old (by your signature). Let him go, love him from a distance, encourage and support him verbally...let him go. He is his own Master now. Let him discover his own life.

    I know it's easier said than done, and I don't think it's happenstance that you are going on a long trip right now. There is a Higher Power at work here.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    BG, I have no words of wisdom to share. We are all here for you as you navigate the heartbreaking circumstances our children put themselves in. I hope you can go on your trip and enjoy the experience.
  18. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Considering how many prostitutes in my town have been killed by their customers, your son is safer in jail. It's only a misdemeanor. If the sentence was longer, several girls in my city might still be alive today. He wouldn't have forgotten about the charger if he hadn't mixed Valium with wine. Tell him that is a consequence of taking a drug like Valium because it wipes out your memory.