Grandson Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, Mar 26, 2009.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Well, our Grandson has been with us about 9 months now. So much has happened. Originally, the goal was to place him back with his father, but that has changed and now he is to be placed with his mother, if she can get her act together. I have no doubt that she loves him, but she is so immature and responsible in almost every way. I really don't see good things coming of this.

    We go to court again, tomorrow. CPS plans to lay out the facts to the judge and not make a recommendation as to placement. His caseworker and I agree, feel that they would me making the choice of the lesser of two evils and they feel that the judge should do that. My Grandson has been assigned a CASA worker. I'm not thrilled with her per sey, but she does listen to what I have to say and has changed her report to add suggestions that I have made. She is advocating placement with our Grandsons bio mother, with a CPS monitored return and has suggested legal visitation for us with our Grandson as a way to be able to monitor his safety.

    Our Grandson..................... does not want to go home. I mentioned to him a couple of weeks ago that court was coming up and that there was the possibility that he may go with his mother. He has said that he wants to stay here and just have visits with his parents. That's sad isn't it? He'll say, I'm not ready to go with them yet. He worries that he will end up in foster care again. He is "kissing up" big time. I love you's are flying around often, my husband and I get lot's of compliments from him, at five he's offering to help clean, sweep, mop the house and anything else he can think of. His behavior has been outstanding! I'm happy his behavior has been so good, but it's for the wrong reasons. I think he's trying to prove how good he is so that he can stay.

    I know he'll have to go to his mothers. It's breaking our hearts. His teacher has requested that he be able to stay for the rest of the school year. Everyone else agrees, we'll have to see what the judge says. Our Grandson has made such great strides in every single area! :D We went thru some very difficult times over the last few months, but have seemed to worked most of it out.

    I would appreciate some good thoughts for tomorrow that the judge does what's best for our Grandson. I'm fairly certain he will as he has been reasonable the other times we have been in court.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    This just breaks my heart. I know that reunification is the goal but I've never understood why they have to hurry it before the parent is ready.

    Would your daughter and grandson live close by at least?

  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am saying prayers that it works out for the best. I am not 100% sure I think reunification should always be the goal. Any chance the judge will let him stay with you and have weekly visits with his mom? Does his mom even want him back? Want him enough to make the changes and be a good mom?

    Whatever happens make sure he can call you at any time if something is wrong. You don't want to undermine his Mom if she disciplines him appropriately, but you need to see him often and talk even more often to make sure he isn't hurt or neglected. Esp if/when biomom gets a new boyfriend.

    I am so very sorry. I hope it works out for the best.
  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    She lives about 45 min. away. Distance is not really the issue. I would drive across the country for my Grandson! The biggest issue is that my difficult child and I clash and butt heads. I hate that it is this way, and I do my best not to interfere or say things to stir the pot, but there are just some things, you know that have to be said. She can't hear anything from me especially if it's her having to take responsibility. An example............... Two of the conditions that CPS put on her (very reasonable) was to take a parenting class and get her G.E.D. After her son being in foster care and our home for almost a years time, she just as in one day ago, finished her parenting classes. Her G.E.D. a lot of lip service, but not completed. Remember, no child at home to take care of, no job, just no responsibilities at all and she just couldn't get this stuff done.

    Our Grandson just spent spring break with her. I always send him clean, fingernails cut, hair cut, etc. Do you think he came back the same way? No. Yesterday she came to see him for her visitation, took him to the playscape. That's good right? But, she brings him home, running for the bathroom to vomit, because guess why? Someone pushed him so much on the tire swing he was sick! She did have other people with her, but it's a mothers responsibility to make sure those people don't make your child sick. Grrr!

    For court tomorrow, she wants her son to look nice. So, she went and bought him a suit. She called me and asked who was taking him to court. I said we were seeing as though he lives here. She told me she wanted him to look nice and would I put a suit on him. It took me about a second to see red! You're not taking your son to a horse and pony show. She has never put a suit on him before, why now for show? If you want to show what a good mother you are, you should have taken your parenting classes and finished your G.E.D. at the beginning of this fiasco and completed it quickly! But let's put a suit on him. And to top it off............... I used to be a smoker, I quit over 2 yrs. ago, she smokes and I'm getting to be one of those ex smokers I didn't want to be........ she stinks and everything that comes from her house or car stinks badly of cigarettes. She brought a suit, shirt and tie that smells so badly! I cannot take my Grandson to court smelling like an ash tray. I shouldn't have to do it, but I considered getting over myself and washing it, but of course the suit is dry clean only. I'm not doing it. I have done so much for our difficult child already in caring for her son, and there is no respect or appreciation for it, only grief. Our Grandson looks nice every day when he leaves our home, he'll go to court looking like a little boy. And he'll be clean and smell nice.

    That was a little more than you asked for, but there, now you know! Ha.
  5. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I should also mention that our difficult child is now "officially engaged" to a guy in the military that is currently in Iraq. Our difficult child excitedly told me that bit of news and then told me that they will get married quickly in June when he comes home on leave and they are going to try really hard to ................. get pregnant! O.M.G.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told her, get married, do whatever you want, BUT DO NOT BRING ANOTHER INNOCENT CHILD INTO THIS WORLD! That was not what she wanted to hear. I'm sorry, but I pray she is sterile.

    Our Grandson's father, I could write a book on. Another piece of work worse than my difficult child and expecting ANOTHER child in July. Remember he already has a 2 yr. old in addition to our Grandson. God help these children.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am glad your grandson has loving and responsible grandparents. Even if he isn't going to live with you you will be a stablizing influence in his life. Let us know what happened in court. Hopefully all will be well and the judge has made a wize decision. by the way judges in family court have seen it all and a suit or coveralls makes not a bit of difference to them. Your daughter is fooling herself to think it would. -RM
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    When I read your 1st post something stuck out and I mean REALLY stuck out. Something worth building on. You said he's really kissing up and mopping, sweeping etc and isn't it sad that these behaviors are because of him wanting to stay - for the wrong reasons. I KNOW what you said but I think there's something there. BECAUSE.....when Dude got to that place in his behavior where he was doing things for a stretch of time - the therapist and therapist REALLY were interested in it.

    They told us IF he could keep it together for XX weeks (say before Christmas) he could do it longer and longer and longer and....that it was a sign of LEARNED BEHAVIORS....which was EXCELLENT and in difficult child's favor.

    I'm not professing he's perfect - but he IS in a home with a stable Mom and Dad person, he has GREAT role models, he has stability, he has care, he has education and most of all he has LOVE. I believe what you are seeing is a change in his brain maps. BRAVO!!!!! INCREDIBLE too- we were told this takes years and years with behavior mods.

    I also secretly hope that he stays with you forever and visits his Mom.

    Had to chuckle about the former cigarette person you never thought you'd be - I AM GETTING RIDICULE every single day about it. I think the last debate with DF I was called RIGHTEOUS.:ashamed:....gotta love

    My prayers are with you and the little guy always.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think you know that I know exactly what you're feeling. My husband and I avoided Court but even today with the two boys "legal adults" I still have to take a deep breath when they are with their Mom. GFGmom will never learn how to parent correctly. Her daughter has never spent the night at our house because I just can't give any more of me than I have given. on the other hand she is already a year behind in school, doesn't always smell good, uses vulgarity when upset and has little to no respect for others or their belongings. I don't know if it is worth giving up your life for, but both boys do know right from wrong, prefer to be clean etc. etc.

    I will, once again, say a prayer for you and your family. DDD
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    Sending prayers that the judge makes the best choice for your grandson. The love and care you have given him will make a difference. Even that he knew stability for a short time is a good thing and I also pray that his mother steps up to the plate by her parental responsibilities. ML
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Adding in my prayers that the judge makes the best decision for the little guy.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I certainly hope the judge is able to see that what is clearly in the best interest of this lil guy is that he stays with you where he's become stable and happy.

    His behavior would be a huge red flag to me (if I were a judge) that obviously things on the homefront were so bad for this child he is willing to do whatever he can think of to remain in a place he feels safe and loved. To me.....that is profound from a child of any age.......but from one so young OMG it all but hits you over the head.

    I'm no fan of reunification. I think it was a pipe drream thought up by the system who hoped to ease their load by returning kids home. Yes, there is the rare occasion when it works. But it is rare indeed, and for the ones it doesn't.....the child is traumatized yet again, and again, and again. Sad when the whole purpose is supposed to put the needs and welfare of the child first.

    Maybe someday difficult child will be ready to parent. If not now, I hope the judge is wise enough to see it. And I'm praying grandson gets to stay with you.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{M23}}} Holding positive thoughts and sending up prayers that this sweet innocent little boy lands where he is supposed to. Hugs~
  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so very sorry. Is there any chance you could convince your daughter to go on birthcontrol?
    No matter how tough it would be for you, I would not care for another child down the road.
    My heart aches when I read these stories about children being born.
    I just don't fully understand it.
    I do see the thread here with- reference to gfgness and multiple pregnancies, grandparents raising their grandchildren and gfgness and adopted children.
    A friend of mine is going through this right now with her son. He is in his early twenties and has three children...I think all different mothers.
    He is unemployed...all the mothers are too. She is unsure of his is clear that he has an issue of some kind.
    She and her husband are working around the clock trying to take care of all these kids.
    I don't fully understand it and it breaks my heart in a major way.
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I really hate that "dog and pony" show mentality.
    Your daughter is really a narcissist. She will never give up the glory she gets by being pregnant. It's another chapter of the "dog and pony" show.
    How sad that she has no other way to have value in her life.

    Your wish to help your darling grandson have a decent stable life will always be your goal. Unfortunately, mother/father, court, judge all have more authority over you even if you always seem to be the person they fall back on when stuck with a mess.

    Hang in there.
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2009