Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by trinityroyal, Jan 28, 2008.

  1. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    difficult child doesn't hate gfgSIL (J) anymore.

    sister in law's funeral was yesterday. husband's other sister prepared several photo collages that included pictures of difficult child with sister in law. And husband had a long talk with difficult child about how sister in law was deeply unhappy, and she made bad choices which led to her bitterness, mean-spirited behaviour, and ultimately, to her death.

    difficult child is starting to realize that sister in law didn't hate him, but that she hated herself. He's working hard to forgive her, and for the moment anyway, trying to learn from her mistakes so that he doesn't repeat them. He's also milking his grief for all it is worth with the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff, but I have asked them to stick to the regular routine with him and not make any exceptions, as that would set him way back.

    I know that his emotions are going to be all over the place for a while yet, until he figures out how he feels about sister in law and everything, but I'm happy to see that he's trying not to carry hate in his heart for her.

    I met several of sister in law's friends for the first time at the service yesterday, and they were a collection of difficult children. Several were rip-roaring drunk, and apparently they were drinking with her all last week before she died. She, and they, knew that one more drink would kill her, and yet she chose to take that drink anyway. Seeing that crew in action made me realize how hard it must have been for sister in law. On all sides, she was surrounded. When she dried out, everything must have looked so sordid and ugly.

    The memory I will cherish from yesterday's service...
    When a dear family friend came in, difficult child greeted him and then in his straightforward Aspie way, said, "That's aunt J. Over there. In the box. It's small, but she was cremated, you know." (Friend and I were stifling giggles for an hour over that one)

    Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. The healing has begun...for husband, for difficult child, for me, and especially I hope, for J.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like difficult child is learning a valuable lesson that even adults need to remember sometimes. I'm sorry it took the loss of a life to teach it.

    Sending condolences(sp) to you and your family-

  3. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Good to hear he's processing all things Aunt J in a way that sounds like is good for him. And great explanation by husband!

    *Snort* on the stiffling of giggles! When my great aunt died I was worried I would be giggling through the whole service. She'd had a mastectomy yeeeeears ago, had no reconstructive surgery and flat out HATED her falsie so she never wore it. As she was somewhat, um, blessed in that department, I always had the insane urge to lean to one side when I was talking to her.

    Hugs to your family.