Hi there and I'm an adoptive mother as well. One of my children was exposed to both drugs and alcohol and had some rough years. He has autistic spectrum disorder and fortunately dodged the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) bullet. God only knows why some kids dodge it and some don't. You can work with autism and my son is now twenty and doing quite well. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is different and I read a lot about it because when we first got him we didn't know if he had fetal alcohol spectrum or not so I wanted to learn all I could.
From what I read and plus a clinic I took him to in Chicago, which specializes in Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE), I learned that drinking alcohol while pregnant CAN (not always) cause organic brain damage which, if due to alcohol, is Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). There is no real difference between the two other than with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) you can see certain facial characteristics and with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) the kids look normal.
Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) kids tend to have swiss cheese thinking, whereas they may know how to read one day and forget the next day and they may not retain what they are told. They have a limited ability to reason and, even after being arrested and told why they were arrested, they often re-offend because they didn't make the connection. It is not their fault. It is not behavioral. It is not fixable by medication, although sometimes that helps with the hyperactivity and the crazy moodswings. From the last book I read about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), which was more up to date, they are learning that the adults who have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) are relieved to know why they can't seem to fit into the world well. The diagnosis makes them feel better.
The best way, again according to this book (I wish I remembered the name of it) to treat adults with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) is 24/7 care in maybe a group home so that they can be monitored and not get into trouble. Although they may not understand what they are doing wrong or why they are in trouble, they get treated like "normal" adults and can get arrested and go to jail and it really isn't going to do any good.
How do you have a family? You have a different kind of family. I have adopted three children and I feel that they were the ones God wanted us to have. Not everyone is religious or feels that way, but that's why I feel we ended up with these three children. I do not, however, see my children as unwanted. Many adoptive parents may have adopted them, not just us. We just happened to be there when they were there and we needed each other. Your grandchildren need you, in spite of their disabilities.
Your grandchildren are not being defiant to ruin your lives. They can't help it. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) is always a risk when you adopt children of unknown background. When we adopted our daughter, we got to know the birthmother very well and knew she was not alcohol affected. When we adopted our oldest from Korea, we took a chance. She does not have it. The child we adopted from foster care was born with cocaine in his system and we were told this. We pretty much figured that if his birthmother didn't say "no" to cocaine, she was unlikely to turn down a drink either. This particular child of ours will always be wired differently. We knew that would be the case.
I am really sorry you are so sad. I wish I could give you a hug. Encourage your children to get outside care for both children because they will not do well on their own and your kids need a break and so do THEIR kids. There is a lot of good assisted living out there. Even if your grandson has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) and a group home sounds like a horrible life, it probably will be comforting to him and allow him to live as happy a life as he can with lots of help and supervision, which he will need.
I hope you find peace and give the care of these special children to caregivers so that you can all go on living your own lives, feeling good that the kids are well taken care of.
I find this article about a place in MN that helps Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) adults. It's a good, informative article about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) adults in general:
http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2007/11/15/adultfasd