Help with pedophile teenager

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gijane, Dec 2, 2016.

  1. gijane

    gijane What next?

    Hello everyone here. I just signed up two days ago. I'm in a big bind at the moment. My 16 year old has been looking at disturbing child porn. And He is in over his head. Two months ago we found out he had been trying to videotape his siblings in the bathroom. I have triplets, 2 boys and a girl, 16, and another daughter turning 15 this month. We told his therapist. Mandated reporting, CPS came out and interviewed. You would think it would scare the crap out of him. He seemed to get his act together. Two days ago, we were suspicious and looked at his dad's Amazon order history. (Ex-husband, psychopath). Found that he had ordered spy cams. Plus he has a weird stash of sexual toys and diapers for God's sake. Like he has been leading this double life. And he lies. He was at school when my triplet daughter found these things. She's smart as a whip and knows her dad's passwords. Since we saw these things, we went on a search of his room. I found an sd card filled with horrible images - obviously downloaded from some sophisticated ring. So now I see he is probably trying to film his siblings to send the images as a sort of "payment." That's what I gather.


    It's all too horrific.


    I told his dad who picked him up from school and is keeping him at his house. He cannot live here. And the school he goes to is for kids on the spectrum, attention issues, or general learning disabilities. I won't get into the danger of him being in that environment. We had a sort of incident at the school two years ago where it was what I thought a misunderstanding. Apparently he somehow exposed himself to a younger child in the school bathroom. But it's impossible to find out exactly what happened. Now I know something must have. He had just started growth hormone for pituitary dwarfism. Testosterone overdrive and a ramp up of hormones. No excuses. Just what I believe.


    Did the CPS visit scare him enough to set him straight? No. It set him up to be more careful. Thus the hidden cameras (yes, two). I found a mount he has already installed in their bathroom today.

    Anyway, the problem today is, it has been reported to CPS by now. I spoke to his psychiatrist (on Vyvanse 40 mg and Abilify 5 mg) to let her know what I discovered. He is so good at playing people, making everyone think he's a victim. His lies.


    My ex is of the opinion that as parents we do everything we can to cover up our children's actions, no matter how bad they may be. I disagree. Obviously I love my son and do not want to cause him pain and suffering. But I know right from wrong. Well, today I showed him the sd card and he almost passed out. Now he agrees our son must not go back to his school.


    But I got a long text message warning us to destroy all our computers - he would pay me $5K in cash for the sd card alone. He offered to buy us all new computers. I wouldn't take it. I want my child to be held accountable. Not because I want to see him get hurt or suffer in a treatment center. But because I know right from wrong, and I do not want a child to be hurt due to my son. It could escalate.


    He told me my husband of 5 years, my children's step father, could be brought up with charges for the images that are probably still somewhere on our home computers. I don't have much faith in our legal system and know the crooked nature of things. He said they are likely to get bonuses for bringing in a middle aged pedophile. A minor brought in won't mean anything for their paycheck. Is he trying to scare me? He said both my husband and I could go to jail for my son's actions. Pin it on the step dad. He told u to throw all devices into the ocean, smash them to smithereens, or else we are incriminating ourselves.


    I will get into more details later, but now I'm terrified.


    I'm desperate for support.


    Please help if you can.


    Thank you!
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry, and I don't have any history on ways to help. It sounds like you are trying to do everything you can to protect your other children and also get help for your son.

    Do you think a visit with an attorney would be beneficial? Could you get in trouble for destroying evidence? By turning over the evidence, could it help the authorities find the adults that are posting this filth? It sounded like the images involved children...

    Until things are settled, it sounds like living with his dad is a way to keep the other children safe. Is there any chance this child could have been abused?

    Don't make any quick decisions... Keep posting, it helps to have a place to vent. Others will post...maybe they will have more suggestions. KSM
     
  3. gijane

    gijane What next?

    Thank you, ksm. Yes, we might have to consult with an attorney after all. No, my son has not been sexually abused. His is a psychopathy, I'm afraid. He is much like his father, only his main vice seems to be looking at children in sexual images. And lying about it. He is SOOO good at manipulation. That is the most frightening thing about it.
     
  4. gijane

    gijane What next?

    Oh, I see that "SD" card was turned into "school district." Mistake.
     
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this horror.

    I will tell you what I think, which is not to say you should act from it.

    In many cultures 16 years old is a man. I agree with you to help him escape from consequences is to hurt him. And your primary responsibility is your other children, everybody else's children, and yourselves. Your children need you to, to raise them, over and above your own needs. You cannot risk doing something that might jeopardize your well-being, like destroy evidence.

    If it were me I would consider working with CPS to have my son removed from my home, right now. He is showing himself to be impervious to consequences. It may be psychopathy, but It could be other things, too. The diagnosis is not the important thing right now, except in one important way. It will be the responsibility of the public school district to pay for a residential treatment program for him, long term. Where he can potentially get the help he needs.

    I would try to not diagnosis him myself. Nor would I necessarily take the word of any one professional until there is a consensus of opinions over time. Right now it is time to be safe, to contain him.

    I would take a proactive position with CPS and I would insist that my other children are protected--and by that you would be protecting your son, until he can get control over his impulses.

    The thing is, you really cannot be sure If he has been molested or not. And it is not really that easy to determine whether he is indeed a pedophile, or acting out some dreadful scenario for other reasons.

    Other people here will have different ideas, and you will be able to see what makes sense to you.

    To destroy the computers might itself be a crime. I would for sure speak to an attorney about all of this, but certainly before I destroyed the evidence of potential criminality. By that I fear you could be in big trouble.

    Again, I am sorry you are going through this, but glad you are here. Keep posting as you go through this. It will help.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2016
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Even if he has been molested, and he may have forgotten the incident if it happened, your son is a danger to your other kids and maybe young kids in the neighborhood. We adopted an 11 year old who had sex with my very young kids and probably others. He was diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder after CPS took him to residential treatment. The state also tried him and found him guilty and at 13 he had to register as a sexual predator. This is because the children he perped on were over six years younger than him and that is the law.

    Keep him at dad's. Likely CPS will remove your other kids unless they are sure he won't be near them. Residential is a possibility. It did not cure this child. He tried to perp on others who were in residential with him. But it kept him off the streets.

    Eventually we undid the adoption but we had to pay child support to the state until then. Don't be us. Get him out before he acts out. You actually don't know if he has or hasnt...be safe.

    We have not seen this boy since he left but I did see his Facebook. He now has three girls. I hope to God...you know what I mean.
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Do NOT destroy evidence the way your ex wants. This is a crime and it helps no one. It also carries heavy penalties AND gives both your ex and your son big leverage over you to make you do what they want in the future. I think your ex likely has known or had a part in this for a long time given his reaction to it all.

    Get a criminal lawyer and ask what YOUR rights are, what the best way to protect yourself, your husband and your other children is. Get your son OUT of your home and KEEP him out of the home with your other children at all costs. Document EVERYTHING. If it is legal in your state, record a discussion with your ex about destroying the computers. Ask him what his reasoning for it is, why he doesn't think help for your son is appropriate, what son has told him about it, and why he offered you money to destroy the computers etc.... To find out if this is legal, you can google the name of your state and laws for recording phone conversations. In some states you only need one party to know, in other states both parties must know. Or have a cell phone recording as you speak to him in person about it but don't let him know the phone is recording. Either way, find a way to document what is going on if it is possible, just as a way to protect yourself and your husband.

    Do NOT trust your son alone in any room in your home, including the bathroom. I wouldn't let him in there at all for any reason. It opens up the home to cameras etc... and the other kids do not deserve that. And his school has to know about this. I am not sure what a school district card is, although I am guessing a USB flash card device of some kind maybe, or a memory card of some other kind that images can be stored on.

    I would be careful to work with an attorney and a victim's rights group or advocate because your other children are VICTIMS and will NEED help. Even if he hasn't openly posted things, he has likely violated their privacy and it would be a good thing for them to speak to someone who is specially trained to help them deal with this type of thing. A domestic violence organization usually has specialists trained to help and it is done at no cost to you. There is a group called RAINN that is nationwide and excellent. They can give you info on the local organization that is in your area that can help your family cope with this. https://www.rainn.org/get-help

    Once you have an attorney, go to the police. Probably a sex crimes unit if your area is large enough to have one. If you are lucky, the times and dates the computer was used will be times your husband wasn't home and could not have been the one who downloaded the images. EIther way, with CPS knowing, this may come out sooner rather than later. Destroying evidence is just going to add cloudiness to the lies your son WILL tell to get out of trouble. It sounds like your ex is already coaching him to lie about this. Honestly, I think it looks worse for your ex as it was his amazon account and his funds used to pay for things, but that is just with what little info I have. If your ex can get you to destroy evidence and cover things up, things will just get worse. It gives your ex a LOT more room to point fingers and throw blame at other people. Given your description of him as a psychopath, think about what he will do to get out of any trouble, and think about who it will be very easy to blame without any records to show what really happened and when? Computers keep records of when things are accessed but if you destroy the files, those records can be destroyed. If you destroy the records, why did you do it if you had nothing to hide?

    THe best thing for your son is NOT to get away with this. The best thing for him is to have consequences and to learn that it is not acceptable and to get real, in depth help. Being taught to lie and cover up and hide is absolutely NOT the right way to go. I have not been in these exact shoes, but I have had a very disturbed child who needed to go for long term treatment. I had to fight an uphill battle to get even my husband to see the need, but it was certainly worth it in the long run. In the short run, my son hated me. Ten years later, he is happy and healthy and a reasonably self sufficient contributing member of society. We love each other and have fun together and he is an amazing young man. But without those long months of treatment? I doubt we would all even be alive today, and I am NOT being a drama queen. I think he would have killed his little sister and then himself, or else he would have killed me while trying to get to her to kill her, and then he would have killed himself out of guilt. It really was THAT BAD back then. Hiding from the problem, and hiding the problem, only makes it worse.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with every single word of susiestar's post. Every word.

    I am wondering if your ex husband is complicit, if he has coached your son to behave in this way, if your son himself was a victim of pedophilia by his father, and if this was not some activity promoted and groomed by the Dad. Is it himself he may be trying to protect, not you and your child, your son? Is he worried what a forensic investigation will reveal about him.

    I would not discount the possibility that your son is your ex-husband's victim, directly and in terms of the pornography.

    The risk to your other children, and your son, and you, is not to be discounted. Whether or not your son looks unconcerned or not, moderates his behavior, or not--does not mean he could not act out explosively and violently if he feels cornered.

    He needs extensive treatment. He also needs extensive evaluation. He needs to be contained so others are safe, and he is safe. He may be a victim, himself. That needs to be determined.
     
  9. gijane

    gijane What next?

    Wow. All of you. Thank you. I just spent an hour and a half on the phone with an attorney and he was shocked that my ex would tell me to do such a thing. Obstruction of justice. I won't. I have it all. And the attorney told me it was manipulation to intimidate.
    Obviously my son being at his father's is not my ideal choice. But my children at home now are relieved and happy and feel safe. Maybe for the first time in a long while. I will cooperate with CPS when they show up. I was advised not to contact the police on my own since two doctors filed reports today. Let it unfold. In the mean time, my others are safe. J is not around children, and I can maybe sleep tonight.
    I have been looking for a place like this - finding other parents who know that sometimes you do your best and still you have children who may turn out in ways you could never anticipate is a relief to say the least. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for your support. Thank you for keeping me on the honorable path.
    I am more grateful than you could know.
    Many questions asked, susiestar and Copabanana. I will think tonight to see if anything new comes up in my memories.
    I feel I am only scratching the surface of what we may be dealing with.
     
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    We will be here for you every single step of the way, no matter what. (I am glad you spoke with the attorney.)
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is no way you could have anticipated this. But you are doing the right thing keeping your other kids safe. Never ever allow him alone for a minute with your kids. You can't know what he will do. We didn't know. It happened in our home and we had no clue. Our young kids were too afraid of him to tell us.

    I know nothing of what an attorney can do. Since the boy was found guilty (it was not our idea to prosecute him) we got services to help our family recover and nothing bad happened to us. But the boy was no longer in the house so the threat, in the eyes of CPS, was eliminated. CPS offered to pay for services for tjebrest of us on their dime. They were very sympathetic. We fidnt have to look for or pay for help. Our family did well

    Our boy had a terrible life before us and was probably sexually abused somewhere along the long list of foster homes, but why it happened, though sad, did not make him trustworthy or safe around vulnerable kids as he attempted to take his own.past out on others. I think CPS from my experience will want him living away from any younger children.

    Our main concern was to protect our innocent younger kids. Please make that the first priority. I still feel guilty when I think about it. How could I not know?

    I don't even know what to say about your ex. Wow is the only word I can think of and not in a good way. He may well have exposed your son to this, but that doesn't make your son less dangerous. He needs a heap of help and there are no guarantees with pedophilia...no way to ever know for sure he is safe to other kids.

    You can get through this. Cooperate with CPS. They will probably help you. On the other hand, I don't 100% trust CPS. We were spared false allegations toward others because this boy confessed to police and CPS that he did it alone. It's smart to have an attorney ready in case your son does point fingers at others, like your husband.

    I really did not find anybody getting "bonuses" for our tragedy. Everyone tried to help us. They were very kind to us and even tried very hard to help the offending boy after he was prosecuted and found guilty and sent to a residential facility for teens who shared his problem. They worked hard with him.

    If your son points fingers, there may well be trouble. Sexual abuse is taken very seriously by all who protect children.

    Best of luck.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2016
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so glad you spoke to an attorney. Letting things unfold now is the best way. We had to endure a CPS investigation also, and they can be unpredictable, to say the least. In our case is was our minor son abusing our minor daughter in the middle of the night,not sexually, but attempting to kill her. Our cat woke me up and insisted I go and check on my daughter and I found them. She needed medical care, and I asked our doctor to help me call CPS while we were there. It was quite an experience, and one I am glad I had this group to help us through.

    You cannot predict this type of thing could happen. Our son had all the love and care and education we could give him, but he also had problems that he had to work to overcome. Until HE was ready to do that work, and his brain was developed enough and he had the right medications on board, nothing was going to help. We are in a good place now, but it was a long dark ugly road to get here. You are not alone, and you don't have to go it alone.

    This group will not judge you, and will be here whenever you need them. I have been here for years, and so have many others. Some come and go, some are here for a short time, others are here for a very long time. We all are doing the best we can, and we are here to offer whatever support we can when we can. We know that at times we simply have nothing to offer because we are in such crisis, but when we can offer help, we do. It truly IS a soft place for parents with kids that people truly don't understand.

    I am so sorry you needed to find us, but so very glad you did find us. PLEASE remember to be kind to yourself and take GOOD care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your children.
     
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  13. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Might want to talk to a local juvenile probation officer about court appointed sex offender treatment - see if he can go even though he does not have any legal charges against him? These programs are hard to get into even if it is court ordered though!

    And also ask the probation officer what rules a juvenile sex offender must follow. (To help you parents to keep him out of further trouble...)

    Typically...
    NO internet at home PERIOD. School computer use only if supervised on their system (filtered).
    NO cell phone.
    No R or X rated movies at home.
    Not allowed to be alone with any children - must be supervised at all times.
    When in public stores, must be within arms length of adult at all times.
    Etc.

    He should be ok at school as he is supervised there. More restrictive would be make to him go to a supervised study hall during lunch time - not participate in PE. Talk to P.O. about this.

    If he has conduct disorder, he WOULD NOT CARE if he got caught! His only concern would be what the consequences would be. Sometimes the consequences are tolerable and they go ahead and do something fully expecting those consequences - again they could care less!

    And you are doing the right things. Best to nip this in the bud now, might save him a life in prison later...
     
  14. gijane

    gijane What next?

    Thank you, Praecepta. You have given me lots of good tips. I will certainly heed your advice.
    I hope we can nip it in the bud, meaning I hope it's even possible. You are right about the consequences. He has never cared what those were. Immediate gratification has always been his downfall.
     
  15. gijane

    gijane What next?

    The way I see it, his father is contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    At the very least, I think.

    The questions: is he molesting his own child? For how long? Has he inducted him into this lifestyle, for his own aims? Has he used him to procure sexual devices, material, films, and access to other children? Is your son acting out like a robot something that he has been forced to experience as a victim? Is your son now trying to master his own victimization, i.e. by identifying with the aggressor who victimized him?

    At the very least, your ex, his father has enabled and allowed--and most probably instigated your child's access to material, whether toys, media, etc. Please consider this man's intense and frantic desire (indeed need) that you destroy, cover up HIS tracks.

    All of this will be uncovered. I would take it very slow in terms of the kinds of perpetrator treatment in which you involve your child. Because on several levels (many, possible) he is a victim, first.

    As far as I recall/know there is no serious acting out (yet) that we know of. So far, as I recall, it is more voyeurism, and the desire to film other children--and this may well have been promoted, even forced by his own father--or other people.

    We do not know what other people, a network of people, of perpetrators who have victimized your son through the internet--with which his father may be involved, as well.

    The thing is--there is a lot of stuff--still to come out. And that information, that experience will/should guide your son's treatment and recovery, before he is labeled a perpetrator.

    I want to pose to you a question: If you were a child, and your father and/or other adults were not protecting you, in fact, they might be over-stimulating you, exposing you to experiences directly or indirectly that you were not able to process. Should not, should never had either seen or experienced. And your own parent, the one who is supposed to protect you, has indeed caused it, promoted it, wanted it? Sacrificed by your own parent. And if there is conflict in your own relationship with your son, and you doubt him, do not trust him, feel you are unable to handle him, (join the club, our club)...

    Imagine the lack of trust, the cynicism, the withdrawal, the sense of abandonment, the self-destructiveness--that would come to a child from this situation. None of it, of his making.

    So before we go to conduct disorder, perpetrator, psychopath, let us first examine the experience of this child, from his own point of view.

    Of course I continue to say, contain him, keep the other children safely away, all children away. Get him treatment. Find out what happened to him, from a neutral and supportive, non-labeling place.

    I know you are dedicated to see that your child receives the help and support that he needs. I respect you and send my hope, and the little strength I have--to you.We, all of us, are here for you.
     
  17. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    As anxious as his dad is to have you destroy all the computers...it seems like red flags as to who he is really trying to protect. It just doesn't sound right...

    KSM
     
  18. gijane

    gijane What next?

    No, it doesn't sound right. But that is because his father was raised to have someone else clean up the spilled milk, as it were. I can guarantee that his father is not a molester of any sort. He is more lazy, making a decision to turn a blind eye to his son's behavior. While my son was at his house before all this, he gave him access to his computers because it meant he would not have to directly interact with his child. Computer time was like a free babysitter. And the more I insisted he monitored our son, the more freedom he allowed. He would not want to believe it could be as bad as I said - I'm a neurotic mother after all, trying to control how he spent time with his kids. My ex has always done the opposite of what people want from him - a sort of ODD. But it blew up in his face yesterday when he saw the images. And I know he was genuinely disturbed and had a wake up call. But that does not undo the damage the has been done. His trying to protect his son in whatever means possible, even if that means destroying evidence, is to him the only way he knows how to show "love."
    I know it may seem harsh to call my son a sociopath. But knowing his father and how he manipulates (he really is one), it is not terribly surprising. As far as my ex and porn, he enjoyed looking at more S&M subject matter. Never, and I mean never, children. On my life I know this to be true.
    My son is a victim, of course, but also suffers from horrific impulse control, and no doubt it was easy for this to escalate the way it did with little supervision. The real problem is the issue was minimized when it should not have been. And a 16 year old got in over his head. And now must face the law. If it will help him, then maybe it had to come to this.
    Thank you again. You all are used to the battle scars of a less than ideal run in with parenthood. I couldn't have gone through the last 48 hours without you.
    As much as I love my son, I can't ever ever condone this behavior. And I will make sure to keep him from ever acting out no matter what it takes.
    I am not ready to see him now.
    My other three children are happier than they have ever been. The atmosphere in my house has palpably changed. I hate to say it, but I feel like an evil entity has left. And now we can all breathe again.
     
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  19. gijane

    gijane What next?

    Is it ok to feel disgusted by your child? I can say right now that I do. And not just "love the child, hate the behavior." I mean I have feelings of repulsion. I can't put my finger on it, but in the past year, I would feel "yucky" when he touched me in affectionate pats. It felt creepy.
     
  20. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    Courage, love and conviction is what I wish for you.