Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Hopeless1, Apr 23, 2014.

  1. Hopeless1

    Hopeless1 New Member

    My daughter is 19 and refusing to stay at teen challenge for drug rehab and life rehab really. She will be arriving about 25 minutes from my house at 11 pm tomorrow night with nothing but her clothes. I've done everything I can for her. My question is should I pick her up and take her to a homeless shelter or practice tough love? I'm really too broken to go into detail at this moment. But way more to her story and what I've been thru the past year
  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hopeless, I am so sorry. I can share my own experience. My son has been in the throes of addiction for the past nearly five years. Like, you I've done everything I can for him. It's up to him now.

    Your daughter is an adult. It's time for her to live life on her own. I don't know your history, but if she is using drugs and the behavior and lifestyle that usually comes with it, you can't be a part of that, and have any kind of life yourself.

    I know this is the hardest thing you have ever done, just living through this. Not to mention trying to make good decisions.

    It's time to start thinking about you. Again: Your daughter is an adult. Her choices are her responsibility.

    It is time for you to set strong boundaries about what you want and what you will and will not do.

    Write down what you would like to have happen in your house, and in your life. Set it aside for a while. Look at it again, and let that be your plan for what is next.

    Keep posting here. Please give us more of the back story so we can be more helpful. Hugs and prayers and blessings for you today. Hang in there. There is hope ahead.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello and welcome to the SA forum. If you let your daughter come back and live with you nothing will change. I found that out the hard way over the past 10 years.

    I know it will be very hard but you need to make a statement right here and now. If she is not interested in recovery then she can not live in your home. Find out the names and locations of homeless shelters that take women (unfortunately in my area there are a lot more facilities for men) and drop her off at their door.

    Be prepared for a scene but you need to stay strong. Your daughter needs to see what her life will be like if she chooses the life of an addict.

    She is young and there is still time for her to change. I wish I had done this when my difficult child was your age. Also, find yourself a therapist that can help you set boundaries with your difficult child. It has helped me tremendously. I have also found support groups helpful. While not a big fan of AA, my husband and I have found a Families Anonymous group that is helpful. Others in the forum really like their AlAnon groups. Of course, this board has been a mainstay in my life for a long time.

    The important thing is to find support for yourself that will help you stay strong. Keep posting . .. we are here for you.

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  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I dont think there is a right or wrong answer to this question. It is very heartbreaking and difficult to tell your child that they cannot live in your home when they are so young... and often when they leave things will get worse before they get better. The reality is that with addiction we all worry about the worst happening to them. That being said sometimes not having them come home is the best choice for you and for your family. Only you can decide what is your best choice right now.

    We did kick my son out when he was 18 and really it was the best choice at the time... to me felt in many ways like the only reasonable choice. He was flagrantly violating all of our rules and we had a younger child to protect from the chaos. And things did get worse for a while....he was homeless for several months across the country in the dead of winter.

    We always took the stand we will help you when you are wanting help.... and we wont when you are using etc.

    Eventually the system ended up helping... he was arrested on several warrants and is now in a long term residential rehab and has actually stayed there for 6 months! I dont really know how serious he is about long term recovery but he is serious about finishing what he needs to do for the courts which means he will be there another few months.

    I do think what the others said is vital. You need to take care of yourself and find a good support system for you. I have found the alanon group for parents I go to to be an absolute life saver. It has been what has gotten me through the really awful times. Just knowing other people who understand what it is like to have a child with addiction problems has been comforting.

    Welcome to the board and keep posting.


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  5. Hopeless1

    Hopeless1 New Member

    More detail to the story. K was very verbally abused and sexually by her bio father. The things he said to her were trashy and demeaning and that's an understatement. He offered his friend to sleep with her for money. He sent a picture of his penis to her. This started the long journey we have been on. She was a virgin at the time and he allowed her to have guys over and well you know what happened. She began using prescription medications at her dads house, smoking weed and drinking. He allowed it and I knew nothing of it. A few months later I felt like something was wrong (holy spirit) and drive to her school and asked her if she needed to tell me something. She poured her heart out. We filed charges but it was a he said she said case as there were no evidence so nothing was done. Last year when she graduated she went to Vegas and that's when the heavy drugs started, Molly, meth, and not sure what else but I was unaware until January this year. She has been asked to leave home four times now with each time me allowing her to come back. She has physically assaulted me five times with each time hitting me with fists 20 or 30 times. She has been on meth and was shooting up in her arms, hands and feet. This destroyed my heart. She asked for help and I took her to ER. She was in rehab for 8 days. Was going to stay with a preacher and his family fir a while but I wanted to spend time with her once more and she left and used again. Called four days later and wanted to come home. I said no but picked her up and drove three hours to the preachers house. She was there got almost two weeks and went to a six week program about two hours from me. Hot kicked out for not following rules on the fifth week. I traveled 638 miles in three days trying to find a place for her. She ended up going to a homeless shelter and stayed there about five weeks and they said it wasn't structured enough for her and sent her to teen challenge. There she refused to respect others and follow rules which has been her problem for years. Respect and rules. I am at the end of myself. I don't want to kill myself but I would love for God to take me away. I don't want to get out of bed or leave home or see people. I just want to go away. I can't seem to detach. I don't know how to set boundaries my marriage is a wreck and I have lost myself. I'm not like this everyday. In fact it comes in phases. Actually comes when she throws a curveball into what seems to be so good. Then I fall apart. I am a wreck I can't make decisions and it feels never ending with her. I love her with everything I have in me and I would do anything to help her but I have spent thousands and I mean thousands on hospital, counseling and facilities but to no avail. I know I need help but it seems so big I don't know where to start. When I read the detach list it overwhelmed me. It's too much and I need a little at a time. I feel like I am losing it mentally.
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    My son wants no responsibility and no rules, too, Hopeless. He sounds like lot like your daughter. I am so sorry. I can hear that you are broken.

    Please get help now for yourself. You have nothing to offer her right now.

    Right now, you need rest and help yourself before you can do a single thing about any of this.

    We can't take all of this without it taking a huge toll on us. You are in that place right now. Most of us have been there. I used to stay in bed for a day or two. I was completely taken over by despair and grief and exhaustion. I felt many of the same things you write above.

    When that happens, we need help. Please call your doctor or go to the hospital.

    There is peace ahead that will come in time. You must take care of yourself right now.

    Hugs and blessings and my heart is going out to you.
  7. Hopeless1

    Hopeless1 New Member

    Hallelujah!!!!! She is staying at teen challenge!!!! Praising God!!!!!!
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  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am really glad she is staying there.... so now is a time for you to rest, get some sleep and find a good support group. There are those cases where they turn things around in the first rehab and many others which takes many tries. I have lost count of how mnay programs my son has been take care of yourself, get strong and healthy emotionally for yourself so that whatever happens next you are in a good place to handle it. And hopefully it will be good stuff.


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  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thank goodness she made the right decision. I find that my difficult child makes spur of the moment decisions and that if you act on them right that minute she will follow through. On the other hand if she has to wait a day or so she often comes down off that angry high and makes a better decision. I think that is one of the reasons people on here advocate taking some time before you reply and not jumping in and rescuing them when they make split second decisions that aren't good for them.
  10. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Yay!!! That's fantastic news!