HELP!!

[STRONG&WEAK08]

Hello, I have been searching for "HELP" ! I am a single mother. I have a 15 year old son that is OUT OF CONTROL! In one way I can say so far I am blessed to a point, I have not (so far) delt with him using any type of drugs. It is a "BEHAVIOR" situation. But it is a situation that has got dangerous for myself and my other children. Starting in 1st grade , the behaviors were just in school than slowly into our home as he got older. They are also getting harder to deal with and more dangerous as he gets older. My son has been arrested many times! More than I can count! I have worked with in home programs since he was about 6 or 7. which I am still still doing to this day. My son will go from a level (1) which is happy....to a level 10 (highest anger) in a minute! Anything and everything will set him off. At times when there is nothing for him to be upset about he will begin looking around the room for something to start about or he will begin "taunting" his siblings or myself until it causes a situation. Once he is told "no" or finds something to be upset about he will begin to yell and scream EXTREMELY loud! He will begin Cussing and being very disrespectful! He will Throw things, punch walls or people, hit, kick and spit on anybody near him. He will exit my home and start beating my windows and doors with what ever he can find...sticks, poles, or sometimes hit fists! He has thrown a cup Hot coffee on me as well as a glass of soda. He has tried hitting people with rocks (good size garden rocks) aiming at his siblings, myself and his 3 year old cousin. He is very disrespectful to ALL and ANY AUTHORITY parent, grand parent, police, in home help and PB officers! DCS had placed him in many programs hoping for changes , my son had been removed from one residential due to his level of behavior, to a higher security residential program. He has also been placed in Juvenile Justice (foster care) and also probation... Neither of these attempts worked. he has already violated his probation numerous of times. My son has had 3 to 4 different probation officers. As of right now, My son is home. He has been home for about 4 months after being released from residential, and has show the above behaviors pretty much EVERY DAY! They seem to be getting worse! Now when put him on a "grounding" for his behaviors he makes statements like "that's abuse" (taking his cell phone is NOT abuse) or Im letting my counselor know you hit me ( when NOBODY TOUCHED HIM!!!) . In the past , he had got my boy friend arrested by telling the police my boyfriend choked him. My son was mad the police were called, he had ran out side and opened a window in my living room and began stating "you wanna call the police on me??!! now watch when they get here! I am telling them you choked me....You will be coming with me A**HOLE" Speaking to my boyfriend. while my son was making those statements, my son had HIS OWN HAND ON HIS NECK RUBBING SIDE TO SIDE TO CAUSE MARKS ON HIS OWN NECK! After both were arrested and released , my son told me (WHILE IN ANOTHER RAGE)
" I lied and got him (my boyfriend) arrested because you called the cops, i can do it again" Seeing i have other children.... I LIVE IN FEAR! He is pretty much running my house! I dread getting out of the bed in the mornings.... I now deal with anxiety! rapid heart rate and high BiPolar (BP)! I'm tired and worn out, but still have hope! I want nothing but the best for my son! HELP!

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Hi Lisa,

Hello and welcome, you are among friends, and all of us know what it is like to have children who cannot or will not comply with the basics of life.

Before I say anything else, I'd like to suggest that you send a private message to Runaway Bunny in order to change your username to something anonymous. This is an online forum and our posts can be seen by anyone - they can't post unless registered, but anyone can read - so to protect your confidentiality I would change your username.

Your situation is unique because you have already dealt with having your son removed from the home, placed in residential, and involved with the juvenile justice system, yet nothing seems to help. What an awful situation.

You do have other children as well as your own health and that of your boyfriend to consider. You have already moved mountains to help your 15 year old, yet he does not improve - through no fault of your own, he is just that sick.

How in the world did he get released from residential displaying all of these behaviors? Was he thrown out? If he has violated his probation numerous times, why is he not in jail?

In any case, if this was my situation I would work through the legal system to sadly, give up his custody to the state. They will find him a placement in a therapeutic foster home or perhaps another residential setting. From what you describe he may even require some time in a juvenile jail. There is no way this child can live safely in a family. He is very sick and needs a highly structured setting in order to avoid acting out.

Keep posting, we get it!

 

[Crayola13]

Do you think there was a particular event that made his behavior so angry and bitter? He started the rages at a young age. It sounds like he looks for a reason to be angry and argumentative, as if he has a need that has to be fulfilled by feeling and acting angry. Maybe he enjoys his outbursts. It would be good if he could channel that energy info something positive.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Have you tried contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness? They are accessible online and have chapters in many cities. They offer information, guidance, support and resources for you, the parent ,as well as your son. I've taken their parent course and found it helpful. It sounds as if you need options, advice, support, information, resources ......and help.....perhaps NAMI can steer you in the proper direction, it's likely they've dealt with similar situations or can direct you to who has.

Here is the contact info:
Family Members and Caregivers | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

CALL THE NAMI HELPLINE
800-950-NAMI [email protected]
M-F, 10 AM - 6 PM ET
FIND HELP IN A CRISIS OR TEXT "NAMI" TO 741741

This is hard stuff. While you're negotiating yourself thru this process, please make sure you are amping up your self care, it's very easy to get depleted and depressed when all of our energy goes to our troubled kids. Remember, you matter too.

You're not alone, we're glad you're here.

 

[STRONG&WEAK08]

Hello, NO I don't think there is anything particular that makes him act out.. He has stated to me... when nobody can control him he feels feel. He has told me He can control his angry and actions he just decides not to ... those were his words. The part that worries me is, It's not always "ANGER" . I have watched him sit coloring, writing, drawing , ect... than just stop and decide to come out looking for something to start about... just like that in maybe 2-5 mins hes at it....walking calmly around the outside of my home stating he is going to break my windows/doors. Or he will go into his room and start yelling down the hall "Jordan ( his bro) I have your men (toy men) and I'm going to destroy them" If that don't seem to work he will let his brother know he is destroying is cd's, his play station games...or whatever else he can find to destroy that will upset somebody...My son has taken my purse with my other children's s.s cards,birth certif. money ... ect. He has even hid my cigs in the past. I do think he enjoys the "fits" and making people upset. My home be comes upside down...everything has to stop while the situations happen.

 

[BusynMember]

Was he adopted, maybe at an older age, or neglected or abused by a parent as a child age infant to five? An early divorce and loss of one parent? Not one consistant carever but many??

This can cause reactive attachment disorder which many doctors know nothing about and is very hard to treat. It is basically a child whose needs were not met by a consistant loving caregiver at a young age so the child did not learn attachment. And cant attach. He was left to himself and learned not to expect others to tend to him. And therefore people dont matter to him so he violates their rights and is only concerned with #1. Himself.

They act like psychpaths but are kids. They feel no empathy, remorse, and dont listen to anyone.

 

[STRONG&WEAK08]

T

Have you tried contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness? They are accessible online and have chapters in many cities. They offer information, guidance, support and resources for you, the parent ,as well as your son. I've taken their parent course and found it helpful. It sounds as if you need options, advice, support, information, resources ......and help.....perhaps NAMI can steer you in the proper direction, it's likely they've dealt with similar situations or can direct you to who has.

Here is the contact info:
Family Members and Caregivers | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

CALL THE NAMI HELPLINE
800-950-NAMI [email protected]
M-F, 10 AM - 6 PM ET
FIND HELP IN A CRISIS OR TEXT "NAMI" TO 741741

This is hard stuff. While you're negotiating yourself thru this process, please make sure you are amping up your self care, it's very easy to get depleted and depressed when all of our energy goes to our troubled kids. Remember, you matter too.

You're not alone, we're glad you're here.
Thank you so much! I will contact them! Any help i can

NO

Was he adopted, maybe at an older age, or neglected or abused by a parent as a child age infant to five? An early divorce and loss of one parent? Not one consistant carever but many??

This can cause reactive attachment disorder which many doctors know nothing about and is very hard to treat. It is basically a child whose needs were not met by a consistant loving caregiver at a young age so the child did not learn attachment. And cant attach. He was left to himself and learned not to expect others to tend to him. And therefore people dont matter to him so he violates their rights and is only concerned with #1. Himself.

They act like psychpaths but are kids. They feel no empathy, remorse, and dont listen to anyone.

NO he was not adopted. I am his birth mother , He has always been in my care. His father and I had split when he was 4 months old... He has never been abused in any sort. Its not a situation in that sort.

 

[STRONG&WEAK08]

The part that confuses me is... If he is bribed ( which I know is wrong) and its something he really wants ... He can behave with no "fits" for an entire month. I was going to take a trip out of state. My son wanted to go, so at that point his specialist and I came up with a plan... She told my son that if he can show us that he can behave himself enough to earn our trust ( that he will behave on the plan...trip) until that date that we are leaving, which at that time was about 30 to 32 days away...that he can go. THERE WAS NOT ONE FIT... no cussing..no hitting. As soon as we got home from the trip ... it started back up within 2 days. which tells/shows me he can conrol it.

 

[beyondthecliff]

I have little to offer in the way of advice, but know that you are not alone....hugs to you.

 

[BusynMember]

A major split early like Dad could be it. Thats huge. But honestly, I and nobody has an answer for sure. Could be herediry if Dad was like him. Could be different wiring in the brain.

Whatevet it is, and nobody knows and we brlieve be was always this way,you did nothing but love him
It is not your fault.

 

[Triedntrue]

Have any medications been tried? Did they have an effect? This is a horrible situation and at this point i think first priority is the safety of others in and around your home. If he inadvertanly hurts a neighbor or a friend of your other children you could be held liable. I would perhaps talk to a social worker and see what more longterm options are available. Prayers are with you.

 

[CDN_DAD_in_tough]

What strikes me again in reading stories like this is how these kids all seem to be such natural masters of the art of terrorism and manipulation. It’s like they’ve had years of training and they know exactly the cards they need to play at any given time in order to get what they want. I think there has to be both a “nature” and a “nurture” component - a kid with a certain set of traits and characteristics that are there from birth or that arise very early on, and if those are not responded to in the right manner by parents the problems grow and grow. It feels like that with my own DS. He’s constantly playing manipulation games at a very high level. He definitely seems to share certain characteristics in how he forms relationships and how he relates to family that my ex wife exhibits.

You have to protect yourself and control the things you can control. My bedroom is my “safe place.” Anything I don’t want my DS to have access to goes in there and the door is always locked if i’m not home. I even have a little fridge in there for my beer and pop because he takes whatever is in the big fridge. He doesn’t outright “steal” things, but he “borrows” things and before long they are gone or broken. So far, he hasn’t kicked the door in...

You have to pick your battles wisely because otherwise it’s constant warfare.

But it sounds like the kid in the OP is a step higher on the violence and animosity scale than my own which is a very difficult situation because at some point you have to take a stand and then it’s crazy time.