holding firm, but beaup

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Jul 3, 2018.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I posted last week that my son was angry at me for telling probation the truth that he did not live with me, and I didn’t know if he had gone back to jail or not. he told me that I am set an awful person without a heart. Every encounter takes a lot out of me.

    I didn’t hear from him for a week then got a series of texts on Monday.
    It always starts out innocently with no acknowledgment of his verbal abuse. He told me he suffered heat stroke and had been vomiting and sick. Some people let him and his girlfriend hang out at their place but he needed air conditioning for the afternoon since it was 100° out. He, of course, wanted to come to my house because he is homeless two months after leaving jail with money from me towards housing.

    I told him that I couldn’t have him at the house given how he behaves towards me. I suggested he go to the library and that if he was really still sick he should go to the emergency room. He begged me to come to the house - ramping up the fear and manipulation. I held my ground.

    I held my boundary but I feel awful. He doesn’t care that I am recovering from a multiple fractured arm. I know I did the loving thing for me, protecting myself from his behavior. I feel like a terrible person even though I know I am not. The thoughts intrude over and over again.

    I pray, re-read posts, but too much of my time is spent beating myself up. any thoughts on how to quiet my stinking thinking would be very appreciated .
     
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  2. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    OOPS! DIDN'T KNOW THREAD TITLE HAD LIMIT - SHOULD SAY BEATING MYSELF UP
     
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Are you kidding? You gave him PERFECT advice. The library is a great idea! So is a laundromat, a food store to walk around, anyplace with air conditioning. Your house is not the only place with air. It has been stifling here during the day but it has cooled off at night.

    You are not just helping yourself. You are forcing him to live the life he chose and to make decisions about what to do, where to go. Maybe he will decide that a conventio al life would be better. He wont ever think that in your home though. Then its too easy for him to do the wrong thing yet have comfort.


    Rehabs also have air.

    Do not let him come back. He is a danger to you a d anyone in your house until/unless he seriously cleans up. Even then, he is too old to live with you. Think....man. He is seen as a man by society and better start acting like one.

    Light and love!
     
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  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm with SWOT. I think your response was absolutely perfect. You listened and gave him some good ideas.

    And I mean really? He has no business trying to make you feel guilty about anything. He's the one who already blew your more than generous help.

    You certainly showed more concern for him than he did for you.

    Don't beat yourself up; you're a warrior mom!
     
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Acacia, be kind to yourself. Find your compassion for yourself. That's what's helped me to work my way through that guilt.

    As we make the difficult changes necessary to assert our boundaries, the old patterns emerge... pushing us to continue enabling so the pain of "feeling like an awful person without a heart" will subside... just like a recovering addict, we have to lean into and walk through the uncomfortable feelings and the uncertainty....and each time we do that, each time we hold that boundary, it gets easier and the guilt fades. And, one day, it's not there at all.

    Stay the course, you're doing the right thing, you're stopping patterned behavior, it just doesn't feel that good for a little while.....practice excellent self care, focus on YOU. Do what you love. Do what makes you smile. Nourish yourself. Find your joy...fill yourself back up now....
     
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  6. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Acacia,

    It is tough at first; it certainly sounds like you said the right things. For years, my Difficult Child tried to make me feel badly that he had to sleep on a park bench one night. He never, ever, one time mentioned why he was not allowed back in our home. Believe me, it was for reasons that lasted way longer than one night. :frown:

    I love reading the advice you have been given--pearls of wisdom for each of us.

    Tomorrow, the 4th of July, please make it special for you.
     
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  7. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Oh, I am so grateful for this site and and wonderful fellow travelers on it. Each piece of wisdom and kindness gives me strength.

    You nailed it, recovering enabler, that "we have to lean into and walk through the uncomfortable feelings and the uncertainty"

    Thank you, thank you.
     
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  8. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    I am in the same mindset right now, knowing that we did the right thing by making ds leave, but especially as a mom, always feeling the guilt and temporarily forgetting what made all this happen in the first place. We can't love our adult children out of making their bad decisions or manipulating us into a totally guilty state. We have to take care of ourselves too. One day at a time and hopefully at one point we can be at peace.
     
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  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Acacia;

    I know this pain to the very core of my being. From one loving mother to another. We can not risk loving them to death. You did the right thin 100%. Tourbon good company for the complexity of feelings you have. Stay strong and true to yourself.

    I now know my strength and know if I have to set boundaries again I will. If I didn’t and my son died under my roof how would o feel then?? It tough but the right thing to do.

    Be good to yourself tour an amazing mom and a wonderful person.
     
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am in a similar situation and the wonderful people on here supported me when i slipped. You did perfectly. My son thinks i should help him because he was in jail. He does not remember what he did before he went or wont admit it. After replacing the windshield on my car, not the first time, he doesn't understand why i don't want to give him a ride. They just don't get it. They feel it is ok to ask us to do things that could get us in trouble or make us uncomfortable. It is not. Stand strong prayers are with you.
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    In a way I think they really DO get it but they are trying to make us feel guilty for doing things that they should not be asking nor we should be doing.

    It's so hard to have the strength to say no. It takes a LOT of work.

    I'm still a work in progress. I have found that learning detachment has helped me in other relationships in my life also. Not only with my son but sometimes other people in your life need to be held at bay also!
     
  12. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    thank you tired mama and rn. it really strengthens me to have your words of kindness and support.

    i have to let my son know that he has to find a new address for his mail and that i need a break from contact. i will do that, but i am still summoning up the courage.