Holey Moley - I had NO idea

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pigless in VA, Jan 25, 2017.

  1. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I did a bad thing. I own that. My son went to see his therapist last night. It's a small practice and the building was empty with the exception of the three of us. The therapist left the door to the hallway open for me, because it locks. He thought I might need to use the restroom. Ferb's voice carries down the hall. I listened. If he hadn't been suicidal earlier in the month, I would not have listened.

    Keep in mind that I was eavesdropping down a hallway and I could potentially have misunderstood some of this. Ferb admitted to have a relationship with a married woman. She was the person who talked to him all night the night he was so upset that he had to go to the ER. She apparently wanted him to wake me up to take him to the hospital; he waited until morning. I clearly heard that she has a husband, and that he is worried about people "finding out" about them. I also heard the phrase, "she could lose her job."

    When he was in the hospital, he had me text one of his teachers to give her the passcode to go visit him. I recall asking him at the time "Is this appropriate?" His answer was that she was the teacher helping him with college applications. I did note that he had her phone number memorized. She went to visit him at the hospital.

    I am disgusted with this woman. I do have the option of contacting her and reaming her out. I'm not sure that would fix anything. I have this hatred of adults who have relationships with children. It happened to me, so I know how firsthand it messes with your mind. I put her in this category since she is a high school teacher. I'm certain that Ferb will not be the only boy she has a fling with. She has access to the kids' information, so perhaps she chooses boys who are legal adults. What she is doing with Ferb is not illegal, but it is immoral. Ferb thinks that they are in a relationship and that "she really loves me."

    Weigh in guys.
     
  2. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    With Ferb being a legal adult, it makes it so much more difficult. I don't know school policies but am assuming that they have policies against this no matter what the age of the child. She is in a position of authority over him and that alone makes it wrong.

    I would advise against confronting her. It could really blow up in your face. You would run the risk of a confrontation that could get out of hand and cause you legal problems. It also brings a high risk of causing serious issues between you and Ferb. If nothing else, you weren't supposed to hear it. It was said, in confidence, to a counselor who would not have told you about it.

    Maybe you could approach the principle anonymously or not and put a bug in his ear to pay closer attention to this teacher. Maybe they already know that she is doing things like this and are just trying to gather enough evidence to deal with it.
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Wow. I need to think on this. It is a big issue. I can TOTALLY see why you are upset. I would be LIVID!

    (((((hugs))))) Have to go drive husband to work.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    As sick as this would make me, I have learned not to push moral issues that can't be prosecuted or proven to the back. There are a few problems here. You were eavesdropping on a private session, itself not really morally sound. The therapist is a mandatory reporter. If there is anything legally wrong, the therapist will report it.

    Through the years I have told my therapists things nobody else knew and if my family had listened in, I would have felt deeply betrayed by who ever listened in. Deeply
    Maybe our relationship would never heal or maybe I'd quit therapy and he needs it and needs to feel it is between him and the therapist. No matter your mother outrage your son is legally a man now.

    I feel this is his issue to work out with his therapist. This was actually none of your business. That's kind of what you get for listening in. No offense meant but I've been in therapy and would have felt violated if anyone had listened in. It is supposed to be a safe place to admit our worst. Mom is not supposed to listen.

    I would not confront anyone. Like Jabber said you can put a bug in principals ear but I wouldn't bring up Ferb or he will never trust you again. I expected anything I told my therapists to stay in that room.

    In the end, what you did was also wrong. Let Ferb figure it out himself. Our moral outrages don't work and can cause more problems than they solve. He will learn better from natural consequences than because Mom breached his very private session. If you found out a different way...it would be different.but it is what it is.

    And please go somewhere else if you can hear his therapy sessions from now on. Hey, I understand your angst and even listening in and I don't judge you. You are a great person. I love animals...there is something special about a person who missed having pigs (I get it lol). But I do think you are kind of in a bad spot here and I'm sorry. Id be fuming inside if this were me.

    Love and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2017
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I would have to agree with SWOT. I would not get involved. If he were younger all bets would be off and I would get involved but I think that he may be angry with you and YOU could look like the bad guy (mom's always do).

    You can't unknow what you know but I'd keep the information close to my vest. If he ever feels the need to share with you, he will.
     
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    In my state wht she is doing is statutory rape if they have a physical relationship, even if he is over 18. It is because she is or was his teacher. This means his therapist is a mandatory reporter and will report it if this is the case in your state. Many states are changing the laws to include this because it is a person in power over another vulnerable person.

    You need to either tell Ferb you heard this, or let it go. If you are going to do anything, first go into a session with Ferb and the therapist and tell them what you heard. Ferb is going to feel very betrayed and you will have to work through this with him. Is he strong enough to handle this right now? You have to weigh this. Only after doing that could you really do anything.

    I guess you could send a letter to the principal or superintendent anonymously telling them to watch this teacher because she has inappropriate relationships with students, but other than that, well, there isn't much you can do other than letting it go.

    I think this will run its course and you would be best off doing nothing. You have a very fragile son right now and I don't know if he is strong enough to face the challenges of having you know about this, much less having you bring this to light and having the woman he thinks he loves deal with the consequences of this relationship.

    I am sorry. I doubt anything good will come of this. Let the therapist handle this for now.
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    While you are operating on an "assumption" I tend to agree with you that the teacher and Ferb have had a relationship.

    You do not have anything concrete to support this and without that there is not much you can do. I agree with the others that it would not be wise to confront this woman.

    You have been given several options from the others. Weigh them out before you act on anything. You also do not have to act on any of it.

    Sending an anonymous letter to the principal could also backfire as you are operating on an assumption. For arguments sake, what if the teacher isn't having a fling with him, you would be accusing an innocent person.

    If it were me, I would have a talk with Ferb's therapist. Tell him your intent was not to eavesdrop but once you started hearing what you were hearing it was to late. You can't "un-hear" it. Share your concern with the therapist of who you think it might be. The therapist may be able to get the truth out of Ferb about who it is. Ask the therapist how this should be handled.

    I don't know that I would tell Ferb what I heard as that can create a wedge of distrust.

    Good luck!!!
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    At 18 the therapist can't talk to anyone without ferns permission.
     
  9. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    True. That is encouraging. I trust this therapist to act appropriately if he believes a teacher is inappropriate with students. That's what am most worried about. That there might be a teacher preying on students. Yuck.

    I also agree that I was wrong to listen and that if I tell Ferb that he will feel betrayed. I think I need to sit on the information. No, he would never forgive me, most especially if I acted.

    I can't really act on it anyway as #1 I have no proof and #2 I could have easily misheard and misunderstood. It is also possible that Ferb is interested in a woman who is only trying to be a friend to him. I was only hearing what he was saying. Maybe it seems like a relationship to him and the woman doesn't see it that way. And yes, SWOT that's what I get for eavesdropping. It's also possible that he told me that I was texting a teacher when I wasn't. Maybe she's a neighbor instead of a teacher. He made a comment about being careful so that the neighbors didn't see them.
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think your relationship with Ferb is worth more than possibly getting this woman into trouble. And reporting her is not worth losing him.
     
  11. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I agree. Plus, I work for our county. I have seen how they deal with legitimate, well documented problems. They bury their entire necks in the sand. The administrators are focused on advancing their own careers; anything that makes them look bad is handled internally (ignored).

    Am I allowed to slash her tires? Potato in the exhaust pipe? I'm only kidding, but it sure feels inadequate to do nothing.