Wow!! How do you know all this? It's amazing information and thank you.
RN, I am a "googler", so I have sopped up countless articles on addiction. Also, I have learned from
speaking with my two. They are nowhere near rehab. But, they
never want to know
how I feel, how their drug using and chaotic lifestyle have
effected the entire family.
They get very angry and defensive at any mention of it, lashing out with blaming statements. It is like dealing with a toddler throwing a tantrum.
They do not want to stop what they are doing.
It takes a long time before an addict can start feeling empathy for others. Addicts are self-centered and completely self-absorbed and they have to learn new behavior after they stop using.
This is so true.
It is all about them, and drugs.
So, if a person has to change all of those habits, come clean and
face everything, I can only imagine that the last thing they want to hear is how
anybody else is feeling.
I think that the feelings I have about what has happened over the years, due to my twos drug use, are going to be
my own responsibility to work through. Maybe one day, they will see a need to make amends, but
my healing cannot depend on that. It may be a long time coming before my two begin to understand and feel remorseful about the pain the family has suffered due to their drug use, the drama and chaos resulting from their lifestyle, spilling over into our lives.
That is probably the hardest piece to work on with loving detachment. Healing the emotional wounds inflicted, recovering from the grieving stages.
Gathering all the available information out there, and receiving advice from others who have gone through similar journeys is helpful. Reading books and alanon meetings help, and seeing a therapist if need be.
The biggest reality of all is that we are
separate individuals. Yes, they are my children, who I love with all of my heart, but, my life is my life, and theirs, is theirs. I have done the best job I could parenting them. I cannot, or should not wait until they come to realize their potential, and find their purpose and meaning in life, to live mine.
Many parents ask, "How can I go on, knowing that my child is out there struggling?" I ask, "How can we not?" People learn more by example than by words. So, if we are wanting our children to find their niche, their purpose, to live full productive lives, then how are we showing them the way by denying our own happiness in our lives?
Life is short, so short. We have parented our adult children. We are their parents. We are also people who matter, who have value and a life to live. Our lives should not be determined by the choices our adult children make.
I think we do the greatest service to our d cs by showing them it is possible to have a full life and be joyful.
(((HUGS)))
leafy