She hasn't gotten back in trouble but she is making no real effort to find a job or contribute around the house.
MWM, I could be completely dead wrong about this, but I think it's the other way around. I think wife is trying to detach.Well, if your wife is still monetarily supporting your daughter, if she still lives with you, I understand why you are upset. HOWEVER...you can't control your wife either. You, me and everyone else have control of only one person...ourselves.
I am a problem solver by nature and profession as well, EOOR. What I now know about this path you and I are on, is that you are going to have to redefine that for yourself, it may not have been in your nature to let go, but if you want to have your actual life back, you are going to have to learn how to do it. Al Anon is going to help you do it. You may want more help. I needed an ARMY of help because my inability to let go was profound and a deep part of who I was, as it is with you. Unhooking yourself from that is going to be hard, but if you want to be able to relax, enjoy, find solace and peace, have a fruitful and joyful life, you won't be able to hold on to that part of your persona. I know that sounds impossible, but it's not. I recall you having a strong protective attitude towards your daughter as well, she had health issues as a younger person as I remember and you were used to taking care of her. In my opinion, that is another facet that will have to change. Our enabling tendencies and our inability to let go are control issues, which, let's face it, many of us humans have those issues. And, when you are in your 50's and 60's it's no short order to change that about ourselves.She tells me that I have to let those go. I am sure I do but it is not my nature to do so. I am a problem solver by nature and by profession
Excellent advice here. It may take time and my seam awkward at times but really does help. My husband and I also learned that we needed to take time just for us.Get help. Make a plan. Find ways to reconnect with your wife. As I mentioned to you before, in the thick of it, my husband and I would take off every Saturday for a drive to the ocean, to the woods, to the city for the day. A day where we were not embroiled in parenting or worrying or figuring stuff out about my daughter. I so looked forward to those trips. We still do it too. Find a way where you can leave the "stuff," the kids, the worry, at home and have a day where you remember who you are and why you are together.