Hello friends. I am having a very difficult time coping tonight. My 21 yr old difficult child son recently moved 2 states away to the state we used to live in, and where he went to high school. This was supposed to be the move that would finally improve things for him. He tried living with me, then my parents, burned that bridge, moved back with me. Fast forward 2 years of therapists, never a clear diagnosis since he would not share anything with doctors, but he deteriorated into a paranoid zombie in my home and I finally realized I was enabling him, since he wouldn't get a job, constantly said life wasn't worth living, etc.. It was a living nightmare, I have other posts I have written about the journey. I finally had to tell him to leave. He lived on the streets a short time, then that is when he decided to move back to be with his good friends whom he hasn't seen in years. He seemed hopeful, as did I. I remember giving him a huge hug at the bus station where I dropped him off, wondering if/when I'd see him again. I visualized him driving away with God hovering overhead. That was 2 months ago. I have rarely heard from him. He never responds to texts, doesn't even reply to my mom's emails or texts either. However, since I am still paying his cell phone bill and can see his activity, have found some strange comfort in at least seeing he is still alive. It is so unhealthy and obsessive, but I check it each day to make sure there is still signs of life. The few times he had replied back to my text, he only sounded worse and worse, saying hes still not in his right mind. He is staying with a kind family that I remember when we lived there. They loved him growing up, as their son was my son's best friend. So the past couple of months, I have struggled with detaching from him, reading all the advice on this board, and praying that God will watch over him and guide him. Perhaps I lied to myself each morning, saying he was okay, so that I could function each day. Sadly, my parents and I don't have much to talk about, since we used to talk daily only about my difficult child's issues and problems and what to do next, and giving each other full reports when he was either here or at their house. Since difficult child moved away, it's like we don't have anything else to talk about anymore. That's another sad thing, but not what's worrying me now. I received an email from my mom asking if I'd heard from difficult child and how frantic she is on a daily basis (she worries more than I do, if that's humanly possible), so her email got me all upset thinking about him all over again. I even told myself I could not allow myself to cry because I have a big meeting at work tomorrow and I need to be at my best. So I told her I hadn't heard from him but I would try texting again, which I did. I wish I had not because he replied and realized my worst fears. I asked him if he was still living with the friend's family and he said "not much longer" and then he started calling himself a schizophrenic and how schizos cannot hold jobs or have normal relationships. I asked him where he would be living then, and he said he would go into the woods and went on to say there's no turning back from all the relationships he has ruined and he has become more dissociative. he was speaking intelligently about how he feels he is schizo, and I believe he has some of that, paranoia, unable to be around people the past 2 years. I was getting more and more upset and felt the tears coming but tried to keep it together because I can't miss work tomorrow. So then he asked me to stop paying his cell phone bill, he said "the sooner the better". He said he wants no contact with the world. Finally, I had to ask him "Are you having thoughts of harming yourself" and he said "I'm having thoughts of leaving this *ucked up place, yes". And went on to say he can't wait to spit in God's face. I was horrified, as I am a very religious person and he always was also, reading the bible, etc... I could feel the sense of failure in his words in the text message. He has talked like this before when he lived with me. Every day when I would come home from work, I never knew what I would find waiting for me. It was daily torture. But now it's even worse, he's so far away. Well, I don't know which is worse. When I told him that if he was feeling that desperate, I would have to bring him home or get him help immediately. Then he said "good luck". He's so angry, perhaps because I kicked him out, or it's the mental illness. I don't know what to do. I ended up crying my eyes out, so now they will be so red and puffy in the morning, but I've had to deal with the looks at work before. My main concern is my son and not knowing how to handle this. I don't even have the address of where he is. Part of me thinks he could just be so angry and saying those things to hurt me, as he obviously holds resentment towards me, although he has said he does not. But I know how he was when he was here, he clearly has something very wrong with him, mentally or psychologically. He used to tell me he thought he was a psychopath, and to an extent I believed him because he was manipulative and lazy, but also genuinely something mentally wrong with him. He used to be a easy child until the last year of high school, then I don't know what the hell happened. He said he experimented with mushrooms and other mind altering drugs, and I have to come to think they did damage to his still developing brain. He has never been the same since. Only gotten worse and now hates people, God and wants to live in the woods. It's just the suicidal threats that are making me go insane with worry. Even though I should be used to worrying about that since I dealt with it daily when he lived with me. What a fool I have been the past couple of months, pretending he was in a better place with his good friends and just needed his independence. I was so very hopeful, as were my parents. And only to find out it is the same situation, just a different house. I feel he is in a very desperate state, as he always felt going back "home" to his friends, his roots would be the solution to his darkness. He always said that if he couldn't make it back there, then he couldn't make it anywhere. So I'm sure he is feeling like a complete failure now. With no where else to go. And feels he has ruined everything with everyone else, including his family, which I have told him he hasn't, that we love him and will help him in any way, but he needs to WANT the help. Sorry for rambling or sounding repetitive, I'm getting over the flu and thought I would be sleeping by now to prepare for my big day at work, but now I cannot sleep worrying and praying and just feeling so desperate. How much pain are we supposed to endure?! Thank you for listening.