Feeling very low today . I was at a meeting with some moms regarding something in scouts (conduct problems and solutions of all the ironic topics) which my younger son is in. One of the moms works at the college campus in the building right where my 19 yo difficult daughter and her fellow peers hang out. I mentioned to this woman, who is also somewhat a friend, that I was embarrassed to have seen her while dropping my daughter off one morning. She knows my story and also is aware of the homeless...downtrodden people who hang out there. She mentioned something like "you guys must want her home" and I sort of laughed "no we don't"....she started mentioning how my daughter was circling the building she works in. My daughter has told me there's a bathroom in there that she uses. My friend mentioned she saw my daughter talking to a man for a long time in front of her building one day....he didn't look homeless. Wasn't young. I don't remember the exact words but she made me feel guilty and second guess myself for not wanting my daughter home. Like I could possibly control this if she would just stay home. It was something like "you don't want to know what is going on....she's safer at home". Like maybe she's prostituting or something. Or selling drugs...I really don't know. She doesn't know either. People with "normal" kids do not understand how hard this is. I said I can't rescue my 19 year old if she doesn't want to help herself. My friend sort of agreed while looking at me like I have three heads. I pray my daughter is not doing that. After our meeting I drove around for a while trying to see if I could spot my daughter. After a while I did. She was with a couple guys in a spot she goes to by the creek on campus...she saw me too She was easily visible to everyone. I was slightly relieved...at least she wasn't alone in a dark room with who knows. At least for that moment she was alive and with "friends". Not sure why what this mom said got to me so much. It is possible she is prostituting. Makes me sick to think but reality of drug life is brutal. Whether I know or not doesn't change anything. Whether I cry and worry myself into an emotional paralysis doesn't change anything for my daughter. Keeping her home usually only ruins our peace....our one place of sanctuary. I realize the only ones who understand the constant mental torment of knowing there's nothing you can do to fix this broken person is God and other parents with out of control, toxic kids. I still have hope. I still allow my daughter to come home if she asks and if it's convenient for us. I told her "no" the other night wjen she asked if someone could pick her up. It made me feel physically ill to say no. Because I wonder where she will stay...will she be safe? Of course she's not safe. I have a long way to go. She has never stolen from us. She does not ask for money. She's acted fairly decent when she's home lately (since xmas fiasco). No drunkenness in my presence. This is her saving grace right now and the reason we still have not told her she's not welcome here. Yes I still smell weed however. It's her "medicine" in her mind. Her old clueless parents don't get it. I'm sure this is what she truly believes. Gah.