I’m Shaking

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Jun 23, 2019.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I have my grands for the summer. They have expressed to me that they do not want to go back to live with their paternal grandparents. They have slowly begun to tell me of abuse. The middle grand had a bad ankle break playing basketball with his 30 year old 6 ft tall uncle who blocked him midair and grandson fell, rolled his ankle, broke it in two places and hit his head. The youngest called me in a panic. I told her he needed to get to a hospital, “We have no medical” was her reply.
    This same uncle was “sparring” with the eldest boy and broke his nose.
    The eldest reported that he told the grandfather that he wanted to live with me, and he was told that he would be beaten then he could call me from a hospital bed. He also said his grandfather told him he would kill him.
    Sorry, I am all over the place.
    Middle grandson had what I thought was the stomach flu yesterday, which became increasingly suspect as appendicitis, I took him to emergency and had to contact the grandmother because she had the state insurance card. (They finally got insurance through a social worker due to his ankle surgery.)
    They came to the hospital and things rapidly deteriorated. The nurse said that the boy would be released tomorrow and the grandfather said they would be taking him home with them. My grandson looked mortified. Grandfather said they had power of attorney and I said calmly that I would like to see the document. Grandfather sprang up and started shouting at me in front of this poor kid in the hospital room, thankfully the nurse was there. I asked him to calm down and he continued yelling saying I had no business asking, that I basically put the kids on the street and they were their responsibility not mine. I said this was not the time and place. They continued to yell and then left, thank God, and I was able to sit a bit with my grandson. Poor guy, he wanted me to stay overnight but the nurse said I had to leave. I told him I would do my best to help him, that he would have to be honest with the adults in the hospital about how he felt about going home with the paternal grandparents.
    Went to talk with the charge nurse and apologized for the ruckus and let her know my concerns. She said my grandsons case is now red flagged and a social worker would be involved. The nurse came back to the room and asked my grandson if he felt safe going with them. He said no.
    I came home and called CWS. They are not very easy to speak with. That’s been my experience through the years dealing with them. The worker was very short and abrupt with me as I was trying to explain the situation. She changed her tune a bit when I told her that I didn’t understand why she sounded angry, I am just a concerned grandmother trying to make sure these kids are okay. She said power of attorney is not a legal document. That I should go to the hospital this morning and call the police. Then let them know I was instructed by CWS to call.
    I have to tell you guys, I am scared. For my grands, and me.
    What a mess.
    God help us!
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is horrible. I am so sorry New Leaf. And I feel very bad for the kids.
    I sat for some seconds trying to compose myself. I didn't know what to write. I still don't.

    How could you or anybody not be scared. Scared at the violence and strong resentment that surged in that hospital room. Not knowing how deep and wide it will go. Scared to know the reality of what the kids have lived. Scared that that will boil over. Not being able to contain it. And into your home, and life too, and your sanctuary. Scared of the unknown. Who wouldn't be scared?

    That said. All of this you know how to do. You are extremely capable, knowledgeable and well-controlled. I know. You know you can handle it. It's really this that is the scary part. How much we can handle, and then, the costs of that. Being broken by the handling it. I struggle with words here. Because I handled the illness and death of my Mom and I handled the spiraling of my son, and I was crushed by it into a million pieces like Humpty Dumpty. I have thought about this so many hundreds of times. What could I have done differently?

    I think in life we lose control over events and that events control us. All we can do is respond, as they come at us. And yes. I think we are broken down. We suffer. And then we begin periods of renewal, as you have these last couple of years. You have your faith, New Leaf. Your faith is there.

    And us. You have us. And you have you. And these kids. And your kids. Your life is rich, New Leaf. You have resources all over the place. But most of all, in you.

    We all of us will be scared with you. Together. We can do this. G-d prepared you for this. You are ready. If you look at your last posts in the past couple of weeks, you will see.

    I don't know what else to say. Sending love and respect and my hand to hold.
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    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You handled all of this beautifully. At the hospital and with this worker.

    This will be okay, New Leaf. I feel certain of it. It's one step at a time. Grandson acted bravely. So did you.

    New Leaf. I want to say something that I think is important. I know right now the welfare of the kids Is central. YOUR WELFARE MATTERS. There is no right thing to do, yet. Let this happen so that all of the information is out there. It's possible there was not malice or intent to harm going on at grandparents house. We don't know yet, really. There are red flags, yes.

    And I will say something very delicately here: These kids are old enough (at least the older two) where they have a place in any conversation, Both about what the courts decide to do, and they also are old enough to take responsibility to a large extent about what they choose as a course, in terms of their own behaviors and attitudes. If the older kids are not prepared to change course here, with respect to how they act, this would be hard for a woman alone to deal with. I am talking here about all of the fighting. I'm talking about the sexual acting out and what else may or may not be going on. If older grandson (s) are prepared to continue to act this way, this needs to be taken into account. We understand why they are the way they are right now. What they have gone through and how they have lived. But they have a hand in changing. Are they prepared to do so? To give it all they've got?

    I would not be opening my heart and home to wild chaos and the consequences it would bring. Oldest grandson is old enough to be accountable. In my faith he would already be a man. You matter, New Leaf. You need to be part of this conversation too. Your needs. Your spirit. Your feelings. You are not just the responsible party. Your tender soul is part of this, too.

    And I will say something even harder to say: You are not superman here. You don't have the resources to make this all better. Nobody would. With one child, it would be tough. With three? There will be others who come along better equipped to have this conversation with you, about the decision making process here, and how to think about this. There are no shoulds here. You are not a white knight. You are a woman alone. Should it be decided that you take the kids, there would need to be a way up front to handle this. You may or may not be equipped to do this, on a long term basis.

    That the kids would want it, to live with you, cannot be the only driver in this. Of course the kids want that. They would have wanted a mother, parents who thought about their welfare too. They would have wanted stability and consistent love from a mother. You alone are not adequate to address all of their needs. This is their life, New Leaf. Nobody can step in and say abra cadabra and change it.

    I am not saying, don't take this on. I'm just saying. Stay neutral right now, with respect to what it all means and what should and can happen. I don't know is good enough for now. Nothing more is required.

    And you did not throw them out onto the street. Their parents did. That makes me mad grandfather said that. It's extremely hurtful and it's not true.
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    Last edited: Jun 25, 2019
  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    The grandfather sounds like an :censored2:. I'm glad the nurse was smart enough to red flag the situation. You did the right thing. Your grandchild also did the right thing by telling her he was afraid to go home with them. He's going to develop an anxiety disorder if he continues living with his grandfather.
  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I am terrified of CPS which is why I didnt involve them yet. I don't believe that in my state or Kay's state they always make good decisions for the kids. I know each state is different. And each social worker is different. In my job I have to sometimes deal with CPS and the workers are not well trained in my opinion. Many are not old enough to have kids. So I find you brave.

    Are there younger family members who can take them in? Think hard about what is best for all. I would hire a family law attorney no matter how far you decide to go with this. The grandfather sounds awful!

    Do you have other kids at home who may be affected by your decision? If you do I would give them the heads up and a voice. This really sounds like two bad choices and I am very sorry.
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  6. ahhjeez

    ahhjeez Active Member

    I just wanted to send you some ♥. What an absolutely horrible thing you are all going through. I feel so bad for both you and your grands. I second what Busy said about getting an attorney. I think that's a really good idea. I wish I had more advice to offer.
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for your response Copa and Crayola,
    I have not slept and am soon to go down to the hospital. Deep breaths. Hoku, God bless her, took the kids off to the canoe race, I have alerted my friends to be on the lookout for the grandparents. I hope they are not so stupid as to go there and cause trouble.

    Yup, scared alright and angry too. I have thought about all of these things, Copa, that these kids are so deeply scarred by their parents and by their fear of their Papa. I don't blame them, he yells and looms over, in a hospital room with his grandson just awakening from emergency surgery, in the dead of night, with a young child and mother in the room, with nurses present. Can you imagine what happens in the privacy of their home? (I say privacy lightly because there are 18 other people there.)

    What can one do differently? Nothing, the past is done. Being broken into pieces by the living loss of my two, the turmoil, then the death of hubs. How dare these people discount me as a maternal grandmother in these kids lives. Even if they have been under their care, or lack thereof for three years. I am still their grandmother.

    I must rely on faith to get me through this. I believe there is a reason for everything.
    Thank you Copa, I have been saved many times by exchanges on this site. Counseled by fellow warriors who know the pain of it all. I am truly blessed, despite the challenges in my life.

    Big sigh. The path has been laid down before me. I do not have control over what authorities decide. One moment, one breath at a time.
    I don't know, Copa, they didn't even have State insurance for these kids. Four years, no doctors check ups, no dentist. I think of it more as a control issue versus a money issue. Unless, they are receiving EBT through the father. I don't know.

    Red flags aplenty. Their own daughter (a favorite Aunty) called to warn the kids that the grandparents were on their way to the hospital. The kids say that she was trying to get them out of that house, away from their grandparents because she knew how they were being mistreated. Yes, my welfare does matter. I do not know what will be decided. Either way, things are being revealed. I have to keep myself safe and healthy.
    I have thought long and hard on this. It means court ordered counseling, reporting, the whole shebang. I don't know that the court would even consider me as a guardian.

    I am not sure, Copa, what the future holds. I do know after many sit downs and discussions that I have already seen a shift in behavior. I am not fooling myself into thinking that any of it would be easy. I have seen them trying to be better. Of course, down the road all of the rubbish they have been through is bound to come out, some way.

    I do not even know if they would be placed with me. Because I am a widow. The courts, if they get involved, may decide on foster homes. Who knows? I have a lot of praying and thinking to do.

    That is scary enough, isn't it? I asked my older grandson and young granddaughter if they were prepared to talk with social workers and share what they have told me and the whole truth of their living situation. that little girl looked at me and said "You know Tutu many times I thought to myself, this is....abuse."

    True, so true.
    There is no magic fix, that is for sure.

    Just looking up and saying "Lord please direct me". What concerns me is the CWS worker telling me to go to the hospital and call the police. I think the hospital social worker should do that. If I call the police, I am revealing myself as a reporter.
    It is extremely hurtful and not true. But, they used this as a weapon to intimidate and shame me. I know the truth of it. It is written in my very first post here.

    Yes he is pretty overbearing. Good thing he did that for people to witness. That's what I think. I am my grands have a number of disorders brewing. They need to go to intensive counseling.
    Got to go get ready for the hospital.
    Thank you again with all of my heart,
    New Leaf
  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    i too have my doubts about cys. I believe that this is something that you have to research and consider carefully. Regardless cys is already involved. You may need to consult a lawyer and see what options are available for you and for the kids. You have to consider your age and health and how that may impact the kids. None of us know all of the circumstances in this situation so can't or shouldn't try to make a decision for you. We can however support the decision you make.
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  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wow, Leafy.

    This is a scary and unsettling development.

    It sounds to me like the paternal grandparent’s outburst and insistence on taking the kids home with them may be more about keeping whatever is going on in the home a secret rather than concern over the kids themselves. You may have only scratched the surface of what is happening there, and they definitely don’t want anyone digging farther or questioning the kids.

    Many hospitals have a chaplain on staff. Talking with someone may help to give you strength or guidance, even if they are not of your specific religious affiliation.

    Sending your strength.

  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this, Leafy. I am glad that the nurse red-flagged this, and that a social worker is involved somehow. I realize there are no easy answers, but at least there are hopefully some checks in place to help ensure everyone's safety.

    I agree with the others. Your needs matter, YOU matter here too...

    Please keep us posted.
  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    You are doing the right thing. As an old ER nurse, I am so glad to hear the nursing staff at the hospital were on board.

    As a writer, I keep a favorite words list. Think about what words in particular give you strength. Your grandchildren are lucky to have you in their corner.
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  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This breaks my heart.

    New Leaf. What did you do about calling the police?

    I'm checking back in to see if you are back. I am a bit worried you have not posted. I know you will soon. You must be exhausted and spent. I am sorry this is so hard, New Leaf. You deserve easy.
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    Last edited: Jun 23, 2019
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Leafy, I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with and what your grands are dealing with. You are well informed, intelligent and articulate extremely well. I have no doubt that you will do what is in the best interest of your grands. They are lucky to have you looking out for them. Praying that this all turns out okay.
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  14. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    Hi Leafy- As you may remember I have contacted CPS numerous times about my daughter with a variety of results. in my opinion it is always good to at least contact them so there is documentation about what is going on. This last time I contacted them they were very responsive, even following up with me about what had happened. They also had my daughter create a safety plan in case she ever drank too much and had my granddaughter with her. Then they mailed a copy to me and to my ex-husband. You have started the ball rolling by involving them, as well as letting hospital staff know your concerns. That is the best you can do. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are truly putting the best interests of your grandkids first and foremost. I know it's stressful and scary. Sending peace to you and those dear children.
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Just catching up now! I'm not on here on the weekends.

    Quite a lot has developed. So sorry about your grandchildren and what they have been exposed to.

    I agree with you that everything happens for a reason.

    Sending prayers and hugs for your strength. You are one of the strongest women I know and if anyone can do this, it's you.

    Keep us posted. We are sending you much strength!!
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    New leaf. Where are you? How are you? Worried.
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Copa and all, it’s been a whirlwind weekend. The hospital social worker interviewed the kids and I. Police were called and what that turned into was the formality of the kids being taken into custody by police then turned over to CWS. I pictured them being ferried away to some foster home whilst the situation was investigated. What evolved was my being fast tracked temporarily licensed as a foster grandparent after background checks, the kids coming home with me, then a social worker visited my house to make sure there is enough room here.
    Grandfather ended up texting an apology and reiterated that the kids were here only for the summer and that ends the conversation. Grandmother showed up at the hospital and I was taken to the basement to fill out paperwork while she was sidelined by the social worker who explained the arrangement, then escorted by security to visit grandson. The nurse said she was rambling on about this and that, claiming there are not the many people in her house and that they would like to foster the kids.
    The way everything went down was brought about by the grandfathers reaction and the ball rolled from there. The kids are shell shocked, once again ripped away from what they knew to be “home”.
    Even though they were not treated well at times by their grandparents, they have aunties, uncles and cousins that they are bonded with.
    The forms mention the goal is to reunite family. We shall see what comes down the road. I have my work cut out for me, need to get fingerprinted, get a physical clearance, sign up for classes, rearrange my house and the list goes on.
    I also have to concentrate on getting son to his summer college prep program. He will be dorming the next six weeks and immersed in what I call university boot camp. This is an excellent way to test the waters of campus life and see if this is what he wants to pursue for the next four years. I insisted on no student loans, I think they entrap our young adults. Fortunately he has received enough scholarship funds to pay for his first year. We shall see how he fares and if this is not his direction, I am okay with trade school or working. I think this push on college is overrated in some cases. Especially the student loan issue.
    So gang, another chapter in the book of life. I have a lot of things to do to get the house in order.
    Side note. Tornado is now inboxing the kids on social media. The eldest wrote her a very mature response about needing to have a discussion and being peaceable. No yelling and flying off the handle.
    I think we are getting through to them.
    This won’t be easy by a long shot, but these kids deserve a break from all of the upheaval they have been through.
    I will take it one day at a time.
    Thank you so much for your kindness and help.
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  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the update. It sounds like however painful and stressful this is the very best outcome that could have been expected.

    You are such a wonderful grandma, New Leaf. I agree with you. That these kids be helped to have the confidence that they can and will sustain these family relationships, that they not fear that by speaking up for their safety it has cost them love or continuity, is so, so important.

    Is grandson out of the hospital and home? Gosh. You have your hands full! The timing of all of this is so interesting, New Leaf. That this happened at the beginning of the summer and not the end. So that there is time to settle in and heal.

    And how great for son to have that intensive pre-college experience. I am happy for him. You will miss him.

    I feel sad for the kids.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2019
  19. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the update, Leafy. You and Grands have been very much on all of our minds. I agree with Copa -- the best outcome, all things considered.

    Nice of Grandfather to TEXT an apology wrapped in a "here's what's what" announcement. Sheesh. He sounds like a bit of an @$$.

    Wish we could all fly out to HI and take some turns babysitting and lightening some of the load for you, dear Leafy.
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  20. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    I am reading all of this for the first time. New Leaf, you seem to have acted wisely. Good luck!