I didn't know that sadness, grief

[gcvmom]

Please keep reaching out to us -- we are always here for you. Always. You may not be able to escape the emotional isolation -- you have to go through this on your own, no one can feel these things for you. But we can be your sounding board for anything you need to talk about. A few of us here have walked in your shoes, most of us have not yet, and maybe never will.

Don't be afraid of these feelings, however painful or ugly they be. They will pass. Feel them, and then let them go. You will still be you. And the beauty that you have surrounded yourself with in your garden, your art, your golf, and everything else you turn to for spiritual healing will also still be there waiting to give you what you need. And we'll be here, too.

Sending many strong and gentle hugs...

 

[busywend]

Linda, I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I could take it away. I can not imagine the thoughts you are having, but I am sure they are NOT irrational at all. I am betting they are normal thoughts.

I don't really have many words. I think you are doing the right thing by facing the feelings and thoughts. HUGS!

 

[TerryJ2]

Ohhhh, Linda, I am so sorry.
I am glad you are posting here, though, trying to connect.
You are right--there is a huge mind-body connection and it is normal to feel exhausted or physically ill when you are suffering.
You will get through this.
Even being angry with-the Tweedles is normal.
It is so hard to understand your husband's poor choices and denial because, frankly, you loved him. Loving him meant he was a part of you. How could you betray yourself? There is no logic in it.
Eventually you will learn to detatch.

I don't know what to do to help. I am so glad you were able to take that break and meet everyone in Cleveland. Maybe more breaks for you?

{{{{hugs}}}}

 

[witzend]

Linda, I'm so sorry.

 

[Nomad]

Linda, I'm so sorry.
Weren't you seeing a therapist? Are you still going?
What about a survivors group???
(Hugs)

 

[DazedandConfused]

Reading your post reminds me of what my Mom has been going through these past two years. Her husband, my stepfather, died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 50. He was 13 years younger than my Mom and she always thought he would out live her.

So many shoulda, woulda, couldas. My Mom had really been taking care of herself the two years before he died and she encouraged him to join her on her walks and other exercise outings. He flat refused and my Mom didn't push it (now, she wished she had). Plus, his drinking had really increased those last couple of years and my Mom didn't make a big deal out of it (now she wished she had).

She had also saw signs that he was using tobacco again (after quitting years before) but he vehimently denied it and she didn't push it ( now she wished she had). Yet, he was a grown man and made his own decisions. He even tried to make him go to the hospital earlier the night be died, but he flat refused to go until it was too late.

When she was ready to sort through his things, she found a lot of evidence that he was smoking cigarettes and even using pot again. She was furious with him! I mean raging angry calling him all kinds of profanity because she felt like he chose them over her. Yet, he obviously had demons he was fighting and chose how he was going to fight them.

It has been a helva adjustment for her these past two years. She's never lived alone before. She's never had to hire someone to fix anything because my stepfather fixed everything. She's misses cooking for him and just having him sit in his chair watching TV.

She doesn't have the tweedles, but she does help me with Son a lot. She gets angry with him sometimes because of all of the stress he puts me through. She is very close with him, and tries to give me a break from him whenever she can. Even if it just taking him to the supermarket with her.

I guess other than this all I can offer is (((gentle hugs)))

 

[Steely]

Linda, just sending hugs your way & prayers. You know how hard it was on me to lose my sister last year - and I have to frankly say that there are still days I break down and cry. Today, someone was talking about a funeral, and I got tears in my eyes. I know I have moved on to the best of my soul's ability, yet I still find myself talking to my friends as if she was still alive. My sister this, H. that.........she is still alive to me...........her memory is still very much present and a part of my every day life.

I am not sure the pain really ever gets less - our soul just seems to callous itself to it. There were weeks where I never thought I would get to the other side of this grief - and then there were weeks where I blocked it completely.

Like you there were so many what if, and whys.........most of which are still unanswered. I went on a little binge where I was going to solve the mystery of her death - and bring the secrets to light. And then I realized, she would still be gone. And that crusade was only going to distract me from coping with the fact she was still gone, forever. The forever is the hardest fact to cope with, still. So I chose to talk to her whenever I feel that deep disconnect. I just chat with her, as if she is still here. It helps.

Anyway - I am just babbling about my own story so that you know you are not alone. A husband is an even deeper pain. The book Toto mentioned is supposed to be the best book out there for someone who just lost someone, so you might read that. I have not read it - because frankly - I am not sure if I can right now. I need this time in my life to distance myself a little from the pain, and work is serving as a great distraction. There will be a time, however, that I need to heal some more - and I will know the time is right to read it. I have it sitting on my bookshelf, just waiting.

Anyway - I am praying and sending you strength. Hang in there.

 

[timer lady]

Toto, the book you mentioned was offered to me but I declined....things are just too raw. My therapist (& I do see him weekly) suggested the book "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" & "Death of a Husband". I have both but still struggle to read either of them.

Steeley, thank you ~ I know you struggle with your sister's death. It was tragic & sudden.

My dad has been my biggest strength at this time. He's helping me with the loss of my spouse more than I thought imaginable. He's lived it with my mom.

I'm better this morning; got a full nights sleep. Seems that I shouldn't take the tv out of my room - if I leave it on all night I fall asleep with-o the nonstop racing thoughts.

by the way, no one is letting me bury my feelings at this time. And staff taking care of my tweedles are encouraging me to take this time now while I have it.