I feel toxic...WARNING: Not for the faint of heart

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Oct 1, 2007.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Before I found out difficult child wasn't taking her medications, I was worried about her behaviors. Now, I'm just so angry I could spit nails.

    SHE doesn't want to take her medications because SHE doesn't think she needs to and SHE doesn't think they do anything but make her worse. Yet *I* am the one dealing with the consequences. *I* am living with her CONSTANT negativity and complaining and whining and irritability and demands. I know she's dealing with these things, too. However, SHE'S the one refusing to help herself.

    I know. She's only 12. She doesn't know better, blah, blah, blah. But, I've reasoned and rationalized with her until I'm blue in the face. So has the therapist. So has the psychiatrist. I've brought her world to a halt and endured WWIII on more than one occasion.

    I've gone to bat for this kid for everything. I've put my job on the line to help her. I battled with the school for services. I've battled the mental health maze to find the right treatment and medications. I've put my life on hold time and again. I never settled for anything when it came to helping her. Yet, she can't manage to take one little pill and participate in therapy without a major freaking battle that I honestly don't have the stamina for right now with this stupid fibro flare up from he//.

    Her most recent request/demand (difficult child doesn't make requests)? That I not force her to go to Nana's when she really doesn't want to go. It's been months since she's been there. I only force her to go when I *have* to have a break. When I'm at MY breaking point. Nana waits on her hand and foot. But Nana makes her pick up after herself right away...not in a few minutes. Poor, poor baby.

    I'm so so so so so so so SICK of doing this battle with her. Why does it have to be so hard?

    Sometimes I think she wants to be miserable.

    I must sound like a terrible mother. I'm just so incredibly frustrated right now that I can't stand it.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    No, it doesn't sound like that at all.

    Is there a place that she can go to for respite, like Timer Lady's kt-bug does? Sweetie, you need a break.

  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I recall 11 & 12 - vividly. PTSD.

    11 & 12 were the very worst years for us. This was when my difficult child started hiding her medications, refused to bathe, lied like you can not believe, had the police called on her for threatening to shoot someone with a gun that she does not have, told kids at school she was on house arrest except for school (when she had never been involved with the law), told people her grandfather had died when in fact he had not, refused to get out of the car at EVERY SINGLE therapy session, claimed she hated every meal I cooked - including all the foods she had loved up until that year, and the straw that broke the camel's back was when she came after me with a hammer out of anger for not being able to do something due to being punished.

    I tell ya, that was the time I went in for an anti-depressant, for the first time ever. I literally did not have it in me to do it anymore. I had no energy left. I went to my own counselor and cried more there than I had in years. It was such a relief to talk about it with someone.

    What I learned was that I was not supermom. I could not do it all. I could not be a perfect mom to this child. I could not do it alone. She required several people to parent her.

    So, send her to your mother's and DO NOT feel bad about it for one single second.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hugs, gentle ones. The fibro flares are the abso worst!

    12 is total PTSD land with a difficult child. Mine had to be hospitalized for 4 months. And a year later was kicked out of the house because I will NOT be beaten. Not by a man, not by a dog, not by a parent (and mine probably wanted to, but didn't!) and sure as shootin not by my own child.

    I will send all the strength I can spare!


  5. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I agree.....you need a break!!!! I noticed you are from Ohio, me too & I've had no luck at all finding respite services around my area. So, I say.....send her to Nana's!!!!! So sorry you are going through so much right now. {{{hugs}}}
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    been there done that - I agree with Wendy. Send difficult child out to your Nana's for a visit. Doesn't matter what difficult child wants. You are the parent & you need a break.

    I don't know what I wouldn't do if I didn't have respite. kt fights it every weekend it's scheduled. Unless this child is bleeding profusely or has a bone protruding somewhere out of her body she is darned well heading out to respite.

    If Nana is willing to take your difficult child in for a weekend use that. Use it on a regular basis.

    Your toxicity will begin to lessen; you will feel better emotionally.

    In the meantime, I've a cyber shoulder for you to lean on; an ear for listening.

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I agree with the others-off to Nana's she goes. You need and deserve the break. My difficult child loves respite but hates when we leave him in Michigan at Grandma's for the day. We tell him tough and he gets through it-usually ends up having fun too.

    I cannot even imagine a girl difficult child at that age as easy child was so horrible I was sure she was turning into a difficult child (still think she is somedays).

    The constant battling is so wearing and when you are not feeling well on top of it-yikes! Many gentle hugs to you.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I also agree - send her to nana's. She will get over it. In the meantime, screen your calls, etc. You need the break and she's pushing all your buttons. Ugh for us 14 was the magic number. Of course, difficult child has been stuck at 14 for a while now...hugs~
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I lay my difficult child's pills out every AM and PM. I put them in her hand and hand her a lgass of water if I have to. There are still many times she doesn;t take them. I have no doubt that she will not take her medications when she is on her own. She will be one more non medicated person in society wreckinghavoc on everyone's lives she comes in contact with.

    Tale every break you can get, you need it and deserve it. Is there some way youcan make goign to nana's more fun for her? rent movies or planIt's good that she go to Nana's. Rent her some movies and send her off with some popcorn.

  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Try to remember that respite isn't for difficult child, it's for you. You need it. Send her to Nana.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    With my girls the magic age was 15. :scared:

    Yep, off to Nana's she goes. Too bad, so sad. yadda yadda, life goes on.

    You need the break. She'll deal with it. It's nice she has a Nana willing to do that for you when you need it.

  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thanks for the support.

    I agree. She needs to go to Nana's and I need a break. Nana is unavailable for at least 2 weeks. I might not run away before then. :hammer: My mom isn't crazy about taking difficult child when difficult child doesn't want to go, which I can't blame her. If difficult child doesn't want to do something she'll make sure it's known. But, she will take her.

    The thing is, difficult child has fun there. My mom takes her to Michaels (difficult child's favorite store) almost every time she has her to get more knitting and craft supplies. My mom waits on her hand and foot (easy child, too). I think difficult child just wants to save all the misery for me. :hypnosis:

    difficult child can be so nasty, argumentative and says the cruelest things. Everyone is mean to her, noone likes her and noone has ever had it as bad as her. She screams at me, spews out nastiness and then accuses me of being mean to her. :hammer: Everything becomes a battle...from schoolwork to taking a shower. Then the next minute, she's sweet as can be.

    She depends on me too much and it's wearing me down. Yesterday, for example, she said she was hungry. I asked her what she wanted to eat. She didn't know...said we didn't have anything (just because we can't fit anything else into the pantry or fridge....). I threw out some suggestions and she didn't like them. Keeps going on and on about being hungry. I asked her again what she wanted. She said she didn't know and I said, well, neither do I and that she needed to decide or go hungry. Then of course she tells me that I don't care about her, blah, blah, blah.

    Ugh. Makes me tired.

    I really thought we were making a lot of good progress. Now we're back to square one. I wish I could make her realize that she's just shooting herself in the foot.
  13. jamrobmic

    jamrobmic New Member

    There's a word that describes people who are mentally ill and don't think they have a problem.

    My son doesn't think he needs medications, either. He was medication compliant while living at home (because I gave him his pills every morning before he was even awake, lol), but he quit taking medication when he moved out briefly last year (he has since moved back in with us). I keep waiting (not quietly) for him to realize he does have a problem, but he insists he doesn't. I keep telling him to ask the people around him whether or not he does. I really feel for you. I think they sense weakness and are at their worst when we're not feeling our best. At least your daughter is sweet occasionally. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed having my son around, sad to say.
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you for that link. I bookmarked it.

    She does have lack of insight that is related to the executive function disorders. She compensates so well, that sometimes I 'forget' she has all of these comorbid conditions that complicate the picture. Even the neuropsychologist said she didn't expect to find anything with difficult child and was surprised to find what she did.

    And sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day behaviors that I forget they are symptoms. I feel like we're always working on putting the fire out, but we really need to find a way to keep it from starting, Know what I mean??
  15. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Heather, YOU need to find a resource somewhere that will help you detach. You are buying into difficult child's misery and nastiness too much. She does it to you because she gets a payoff - you take it on board.

    When you're dealing with a fibro flare-up you are far more vulnerable and likely to do this; you need to train yourself until detachment is automatic, so you can do it when you feel ghastly, as well as when you feel OK. You need to literally walk away, even if it's out of the house and down the street. If she follows you shrieking and yelling, then let her. DO NOT FEEL EMBARRASSED BY HER. To let her hurt you or embarrass you is to give her power over you, which you do not need.

    Learn to ignore the shouting, the whining and the negativity, and walk away. If you're in the middle of preparing dinner and she insists she won't eat what you're preparing, and she's in your face - stop cooking and walk away.

    "I'm hungry" plus refusal to eat anything you suggest - "If you're genuinely hungry, you'd eat a dead rat. You'd eat anything. You'd eat your own foot."

    Find a lowest common denominator, food-wise. For us, it's plain steamed white rice. A kid who won't eat what I've prepared - they can have plain steamed white rice.
    For my mother, it was bread and dripping.

    Some kids, especially Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) kids, do balk at certain foods. And what was acceptable before may become unacceptable. I do find that if I cook a certain favourite food TOO often, the kids will begin to refuse it and will continue to refuse it for years. I do give some leeway but I need their cooperation too, for this to work. If easy child 2/difficult child 2 (the worst culprit, along with difficult child 3) announces she hates stir-fried noodle dishes (as she did last night) then SHE needs to come up with an alternative I can prepare, given the ingredients to hand. So last night I ended up cooking a stir-fried beef dish, with rice instead of noodles. But difficult child 3 wouldn't eat it, I knew in advance. So I quickly threw together our version of nachos for him. HE announced he didn't like the cheese I used. I remember he said that last time too - it's not melting the right way. It's the same cheese I always use, but wither they've changed how they make it, or his tastes have changed. So next time I make nachos - I won't use that cheddar, I will use mozzarella. If he complains it doesn't taste cheesy enough, I will then add a sprinkle of parmesan. The end result should be a close approximation of what he will eat.

    difficult child 3 is not being fussy for its own sake here; and he IS helping me find an acceptable alternative.
    But what I require for my effort, is some level of acceptance that I AM trying to find a solution for both of us. If he starts to take my efforts for granted, I stop making any efforts at all and tell him so. "Fine - you can eat it with cheddar, or without any cheese at all. I'm not buying mozzarella specially for you if you won't appreciate my efforts."

    Or he can eat plain steamed white rice. And be prepared to refuse to feed her at all. I've done that, too. I never have to do it more than once per child.

  16. sweetiegirlz

    sweetiegirlz New Member

    Wow, Heather your difficult child sounds exactly like mine, it's scary.

    Re: your original post about her not taking her medications.

    This is something I thought of today as I made her appointments, "What if she doesn't take her medications if they give her some?"

    She defies every other thing under the sun, why would this be any different?

    I was talking with my 19 Y/O daughter on phone and letting her know what was going on with her sister, she said, "Are you going to have to crush her pills up in her food?"

    I know your post is about your difficult child going to Nana's for a reprieve for you (to which I say Amen to that) but how did /do you deal with her not taking medications?
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm with the others. Those early teen years are difficult to get through with a easy child let alone a difficult child.
    My difficult child also thought the medications did nothing. Fortunately, he took them as I stood over him every day. He suffers from several of the same afflictions as your difficult child so I relate to the need for respite.
    When difficult child told me no one liked him or he didn't have friends, I did point out that maybe the way he was acting might be the reason. I think he was shocked that I didn't try to make it better or be sympathetic to his whine. I put a mirror up to his face as often as I can and try to be direct about how his behavior affects his own life as well as everyone around him. Their lack of insight does seem to require that we show our difficult children their own behavior. Video or pointing out when I see someone acting as difficult child does. Their self centered thinking doesn't seem to allow this to happen naturally.
    I didn't know about respite at the time but I tried everything possible to allow myself breaks from difficult child through the day. He wore me out emotionally as well as physically.
    Don't have a magic answer but break things up into manageable time frames. If you can get her to participate in activities that allow her to socialize and give you respite, then go for it. She can have choices about nana or activities but she still doesn't dictate how yourplans should work around her 100% of the time.
    Good luck. I am glad to be through all those dark years.
  18. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Teenaged girls should be against the law.

    Don't you guys know that when a girl turns 11, they automatically know EVERYTHING? And moms instantly don't know diddley.

    We should lawfully be able to shove them under the couch when they turn 11. Oh wait, but then they turn 15. That is when they acknowledge that we know stuff, but "we have NO idea what it is like nowadays. It's just not the same as it was when YOU were a kid. MOTHER".

    Stuff them under the couch till they are about 21. Yeah, a nice even 10 years.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Ugh Heather, your daughter is one tough cookie.

    I agree with sending her off.

    The medication issue is another problem but you can solve it. She simply doesnt have a say. It is your house and you get to decide. You can do like they do in hospitals or Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s . Use the open mouth, put pills in mouth, drink water, open mouth again and show tongue moving side to side, lean forward and gently tap on back of head to dislodge any hidden pills with mouth open.

    Hey...no one said being a brat was fun on them!
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Heather, a bit of advice from someone who has been there done that - I wish I knew this then.

    <span style="color: #FF0000">YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO PLEASE THIS CHILD. </span> It does not matter what you do, what you offer for dinner, even if you bring home a present - it will not be right. She will find something to complain about.

    So, lower your expectations, begin to detach a bit for the smaller things and do not take anything personally. It does pass.