I have to have my grown son arrested for theft

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Memedixie, Oct 21, 2016.

  1. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    I just found this website tonight and it is a God send. What I am going to have to do is a Mother's nightmare....put her son in jail. I am am planning to semi-retire next year. My mother just celebrated her 90th birthday. Several months ago my son moved in promising to help us. Instead, he has lied and stole from us. The shock of them all came when I went to pay my credit card bill online and noticed how much my payment had increased. When I pulled up my bill, he had charged $2500 on a spending spree over a period of a month. I knew he could not be trusted but never saw this one coming. I am so hurt and I suspect he did even more I am not aware of yet. He is on parole for theft but Obviously did not learn anything from jail the first time around. I just wanted to believe his lies that he had changed so I got screwed. Someone please give me some advice if you have experienced this awful betrayal. I just don't understand. I know he has had drug issues but I think he would do it anyway. My heart is broken and I literally feel sick. Thank you everyone for reading my post.
     
  2. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Just a question did he stole the credit card from you and used it?
    My advice to you is do what you know is right no matter the pain this is how consequences are learned.
     
  3. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is so so hard when our children betray us. In this situation I would report him. He has to know that you will not tolerate this. If you let it slide it will be never ending. He must of know that he wasn't going to get away with this. He would absolutely know what the consequences are and he did it anyway. Maybe he wants to go back to jail. That's what his actions are saying.
    I haven't experienced my son stealing from me on this scale but I know many have on this site so I know they will comment further with much more wisdom.
    Peace and love to you
     
  4. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I haven't had that experience either. But I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Sending lots of love your way as you move forward.
     
  5. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    I really appreciate everyone for responding to my post. I know it is what I have to do. Not only do I need to have him arrested for his crime, I will be responsible for paying all that money if I don't. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. He came here after moving from another city where he only had a couple of months left on his parole. He broke parole by not reporting in so I know he can be picked up for that and then I can press charges for the credit card theft. I have to do it soon, I know that. I'm sure you all know what manipulaters are and he is one of the best. Charming, funny, very intelligent...and more but a very sick individual. It breaks my heart he is a grown man with plenty of chances to change but never has.
     
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2016
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Memedixie. I'm sorry for your struggles with your son.

    There have been many stories on this site of parents who have turned their adult difficult children in to the police for stealing from them. It's a horrible experience for parents and yet it is the correct response to theft if we want our kids to learn the consequences of their behavior. That doesn't make it any easier on us though.

    Since your son abuses drugs, I'd strongly recommend you attend an Alanon 12 step group, many parents here find solace and support there. You can also post on the Substance abuse forum here, the parents there are well versed in substance abuse. If your son has mental illness issues, then you might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, you can reach them online and they have chapters in many cities. NAMI offers excellent courses for us parents which help with resources, information, guidance and support. I'd encourage you to seek as much support as you can. As you mentioned, in addition to the loss of $2500, you are dealing with the betrayal as well, and that can be more difficult then dealing with the theft.

    At the bottom of my post here there is an article on detachment, it is very helpful.

    It sounds like you've been at this awhile with your son. It is mentally, emotionally, physically and often financially exhausting having to deal with adult kids who go off the rails for whatever reason. Turning your son in is not an easy choice, but it sounds like it is the right choice. That choice causes much suffering for us parents, so my advice to you is to avail yourself to as much help as you can.

    You deserve to have peace of mind as you approach retirement age. I am in my 60's and have a 43 year old daughter who I've had to work hard to learn to detach from.......or I would have slipped down that dark rabbit hole with her and literally ruined my own life too........detaching from her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and yet, for me, it was the right thing to do.

    We are powerless to alter the course of our adult children's lives, we can't fix them, change them or control them. But we can enact strict boundaries to protect ourselves and we can demand respect.

    Keep posting as you go through this, it's very helpful. I'm glad you're here, we understand the pain you find yourself in......you're not alone.
     
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  7. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    Thank you so very much for your support and kind words.
     
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Memedixie,
    I'm glad you found us here. I am no stranger to what you are going through. I have had to call the police on my son more than once. Yes, ti's a hard thing to do but you need to what you have to in order to protect yourself.
    Please do not harbor any feelings of guilt. Just because it's your son does not make it any less of a crime.
    There is no betrayal like that of your own child stealing from you.
    My son has stolen from me more times than I can remember. I tried desperately to help him and no matter how much I did or how much money we spent nothing changed. I finally had to accept that there was nothing I could do for my son. He did not want to change. I had to let him go so I detached from him.
    This by no means changes that I love him dearly, it just means that I will no longer put myself in a situation where he can take advantage of me.
    Again, I'm glad you are here with us now. You will find much needed support without judgement here.
    Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.
     
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  9. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    Your words of encouragement mean so much to me. I am going to do something about this weekend.
     
  10. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    Hi there and welcome,

    I'm sorry that you are going through this. If he is on parole and jumped than there should be an outstanding warrant for him. That's how it works in Canada where I live, plus the time that has elapsed while he was not reporting should increase his global sentence.

    I have had to call the police on my son too many times to count and it never gets easier nor does it feel right. You do need to report him, not just because of the theft but if he's been living with you and not reporting to his parole officer it could have repercussions for you.

    The betrayal piece is really hard, we want to believe the best of them will come through and that's natural as a parent. Accepting that they are capable of purposely doing things to harm us is a very bitter pill to swallow. Again, I'm sorry this is happening.
     
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  11. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    I am going to the local police precedent tomorrow to get their help with his arrest tomorrow. I am dreading it but I'm also feeling empowered to get mine and my 90 year old mother's life back. It gives me great comfort to know you guys are here to support me. I could just report my card stolen and wait on the results of the investigation but i believe it's only right to tell them to tell them he took it. He may go to prison this time .I had said he was on parole but it is actually probation, which he violated. He has not been to prison yet. This may put him there.
     
  12. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    And by the way, he will be 45 next week, spending his birthday in jail.
     
  13. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    Thank you for taking the time to reach out with your post.
     
  14. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    Thank you. I am going to contact the police tomorrow. He will be sleeping in jail tomorrow night and it breaks my heart that he is so messed up.
     
  15. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    Hi Memedixie. So sorry for your situation. You have experienced the total betrayal. I can only imagine how much it hurts you.

    Our daughter would steal or break things of personal/sentimental importance, i.e. handmade gifts, momentos, tax return papers, medical reports, etc. These were things that could not be replaced.

    I would be devastated to see my credit card abused like that. I would call the police it if were my daughter. You need to take your power back.

    Hugs and prayers to you.
     
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  16. Memedixie

    Memedixie Member

    He is watching tv like nothing has happened. He doesn't think I will really turn him in. Thanks for the hugs and prayers. I really helps me. Big changes are about to happen.
     
  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is very common behavior for a difficult child. Of course he doesn't think you will turn him in. Their thought process is very skewed and they do not see the damage their actions cause to others or themselves.

    Good luck!!

    Let us know how it goes.
     
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  18. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Memedixie, I am so sorry. I am praying for your strength as you work your way through this very tough situation.

    My son stole from me.

    I turned him into the police once, not for that, but when he came back into this town from rehab as he was violating, at that point, what he had told the court he was going to do, and I would rather him be in jail than on the street.

    I understand how hard this is. I do believe our DCs will never learn, unless SOMEONE tells them enough is enough. In my son's case, it was the courts, the police and the law that finally said No more. They don't listen to their sad little stories. They've heard it all already.

    Please know that the sooner your son faces himself, the sooner he has a chance to change. He may NOT change, but he will have a chance to, and again, that's on him.

    I'm sure you have given him 1000 chances to change, and tried to support him many many times over. Usually that isn't going to be the path to their change.

    Please keep sharing here. We care about you.
     
  19. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Memedixie, it just makes me mad and sad for you when I picture this scene in my head.
    You must turn him in, it is the best thing for you both. Keep posting, let us know how things turn out.
     
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Memedixie:

    Your son is more than a grown man. You are entering your golden years. Turn him in. Yes it hurts but he needs to follow the rules of society.

    I would never let him live with you again.

    My son is 21 and we recently sent him out of state and honestly I cannot imagine him living with us again after what he's put us through. He stole from us as well but not large amounts. Basically his drug abuse and behavior caused us to want him out.

    We love our son more than anything.

    Keep posting here. It helps. We all get it.
    :notalone::staystrong: