If I thought 35 could be trying before, it's going to be 100% worse now...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    that ex has sued for sole custody. He calls me about ten times a day. Well, sometimes he calls me ten times in a row if I'm talking to somebody else and can't answer or just don't want to talk. Then I pick up because it drives everyone else nuts. Or I turn off the phone and nobody else can contact me. And nothing I do or say stops the non-stop calls. He is totally freaked out that his ex is going for sole custody, even though she is unlikely to get it. He is incapable, even at 35, of letting go of a fear or a thought or a worry and can't have a break and a good time while something stressful is going on.

    35 is a good dad and his son is his world. He'll say so over and over again if you ask him and he means it. He has nobody else in Missouri and is crazy about his son. And J. is crazy about him, like any little kid who gets uninterrupted attention from his parent is. But this is something out of his control and he really needs to make friends or find a girlfriend and stop relying on me. When I'm on the phone, the other people in my family who live here walk by and roll their eyes...my husband, Jumper, even Sonic shakes his head.

    If she actually gets custody, I'm leaving the country. It's possible she could, even though she is much crazier than he is and a total loose cannon. If the judge thinks the two of them are unable to co-parent, and ex deliberately makes that impossible, he could conceivably decide one or other should get sole custody and it may be her. I'm tired of living my son's divorce. He picked this ditz. Everyone told him she was not good wife material, but did he listen? Do they ever?

    When things are calm, me and 35 get along.
    . He has my rather sick and twisted sense of humor and we really have fun. But...when he is under stress he is so negative and difficult and obsessed on the stressor I just want him to leave me alone. I feel bad enough about what grandson is going through without being reminded of it every two hours. I have a lot of activities now and he gets annoyed when I shut off my phone to do them.

    Anyhow this is just a vent at my annoyance. 35 needs a life. He needs guy friends to do stuff with. He needs a girlfriend, but can't seem to keep one. Honestly, I was hoping he'd scrape together enough money to get a psychologist, but with having to pay his dad back for the lawyer he has now that will be impossible.

    Well, time to increase my boundaries again. His stress is feeding me and I don't want it.

    Vent over. Thanks for listening :)
  2. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Wow MWM - you just described my relationship with my difficult child to a "t".

    When all is well we get along like bff's. We laugh and joke and have an amazingly great time together. But when there is a crisis it's the complete opposite. My difficult child also calls me obsessively at times of crisis and its gotten to the point where the ringing phone triggers a PTSD-like reaction for me.

    I'm sorry you're going through this but I want you to know you're not alone in any way, shape, or form. Turn that phone off for the evening and go relax. You deserve it!
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    You're his "vent" and we're yours. Vent away... do whatever is necessary to keep your sanity
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I understand where he is coming from. When x first started taking us to court it was all I could talk about; I was so worried about it. He does need someone besides you to vent to. Could you suggest a diary? Or, he could write down everything to save to talk to you about, and then set up a time for him to call you once a day? Can he go exercise to get some of it out? A kick boxing/martial arts dvd? Is he on any medication? I had to start medications to calm my mind down. He does not want to go into that court room looking like a basket case.

  5. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Funny that you should write about this. The needing to take the pressure off my mother is a big reason why I am here between tk and my husband I was calling my mom three times a day or more as I have no friends here and my husband and I are not able to communicate right now very well. My mom doesn't do well with me venting in the past but she has been a towering pillar of support through this crisis. And I've been able to cut the calls down to once a day.

    Thank god for mothers.

    Now some constructive things you can suggest,
    I assume he has Internet maybe there is a support forum for people going through custody battles as some custody cases last for years it's completely possible.

    Can always use a tumbr or opendiary.com this is a good recourse to use because it documents thoughts he is having to communicate to his lawyer or document what the ex did that he may forget by the time it goes to court. Also if he gets on one of those things and releases the anxiety he will have less to bring to you. Not saying that he might not still need to talk and lets face it you will probably want to know about things when he has something real to say.

    Just my idea if you present the tumblr as something useful he could do to document his downward spiral with his relationship with the ex he might actually do it. I would not present it as an idea for a diary per se because men have a problem accepting that they need to share their feelings sometimes.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    He needs some way to work off his anxiety/frustration that is constructive and doesn't involve you. How about a work out video or something?

    As for a therapist, he needs to check out county mental health, they either provide low cost treatment or know who does in the area. (it's not just based on income, they also factor in your bills ect)

    I think the only way you will be able to get him to stop relying on you so heavily (which is NOT healthy for him, as I'm sure you know) is to refuse to discuss such things with him.....if that means needing to hang up on him if he won't stop, then that may be what it means. As long as he can lean on you to such a degree there is no reason for him to really seek outside relationships. He can fill you in on details without talking your ear off about the subject. Know what I mean??

    Not to mention this is just too much for you. You deserve to be able to go about your life and activities in peace. And he really needs to sever the apron strings or you need to do it for him. It's a stressful time for him, but he needs to realize that he needs to find other ways to deal with it.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are father's support groups in every state and he can find them online. Even if he only talked to them on the internet that would help. I like the diary idea too.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys :) Being a difficult child, I have thought of everything you guys did and he has a reason why he "can't." Or it won't work so he isn't going to try. That sort of thing. You know the spiel. If he had a group of friends or even one friend to hang out with, this would be far easier for him and me. I'm definitely curtailing the phone calls, even if I have to shut down my phone.