I'm back - and she's really done it this time!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WearyMom18, Jul 8, 2015.

  1. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    My last post, I discussed how strong I had become in dealing with my Difficult Child and now I'm at a point that I'm not sure if I've taken detachment too far or if what I'm feeling is even considered normal.

    She committed an aggravated robbery back in February but wasn't arrested until the DA reviewed the case and decided to file the charges on June 9th. Police, Texas Rangers and the SWAT team swarmed my house looking for her - which she wasn't there - and I gave them the address that I had mailed a letter to for her just a week before. That night, they had her arrested and in jail facing 1st degree felony aggravated robbery. It's been several weeks and she's been to court a few times but nothing is really accomplished. I only accept calls from her once a week because of the expense and honestly, there's really nothing to talk about but she continues to try and call me multiple times each day which is frustrating.

    The sentence for her charge is 5-99 years or life in prison is she is convicted. Here's where I am feeling some real confusion and I'm going to be completely honest with my feelings here:

    1. I WANT her to go to jail/prison. Not for 30 years or anything but I feel strongly she should spend some time without her freedom to maybe, just maybe have a wake-up call and decide to turn her life around.

    2. I have written to the prosecutor (D.A.) encouraging them to not offer deferred adjudication to her because I can almost promise with 100% certainty that she will not meet the very stringent criteria and end up in prison anyway. I have been ridiculed for doing this but I am trying to save my daughter.

    3. If she gets out on 'probation' she will be right back using drugs, stripping (which is what I found out she was doing right before she was arrested) and living with dangerous people - she will have learned NOTHING and her victim gets no justice. I'm afraid she will end up pregnant, with diseases or dead if she doesn't get it together.

    4. The impact to my husband and I could be significant, especially if she ends up pregnant! Also, the fact that she has no money, no license and would be looking to rely on us to help her meet her probation requirements is not something I'm willing to do.

    5. Here's the worst part and what I'm getting some heat for - I can honestly say that I want her to go to prison to really experience some consequences of her actions because I'm angry with her for all she has done to me, my husband, extended family and others along the way. Despite everything we tried to do to help her, she spit it all back in our faces and I'm just done! Apparently, we haven't been affective parents so what will be affective? I'm out of ideas and so maybe that's why I am favoring some time behind bars.

    I can't imagine having her living in the house again but she's still very young so if we didn't let her come home, she would go back to what she had before which is working the street, stripping and drugging in a bad part of town which I know I can't control but I can't stop thinking that if the justice system would actually impose the sentence that her crime calls for, she just might get a shot at having the time and sobriety to think through her life, her choices and maybe really make a change when she is released.

    I'm open for thoughts!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Whose giving you trouble? Does it seem as if giving her another chance will help her...or you? No, so why not jail or prison? I believe strongly that the earlier we take action, strong action, the more of a chance they have to resolve their problems. The more we let it go and hope it changes, the less chance there is for a resolution.

    Her crimes were very serious. she wasn't just smoking pot, in which case I'd say no to jail/prison.

    She needs to find out that some people have authority over her and can make her pay consequences for criminal activities.

    What do you feel would be more effective? Perhaps a rehab? She does not seem to have the right attitude to quit drugs unless she is forced...then after her head clears perhaps she'll be able to think again.

    Use your mom gut. Don't let other people, even us, influence you. You know your daughter best. Sounds like she may be dangerous. If so, NEVER let her live at home again.
  3. Sherril2000

    Sherril2000 Active Member

    There is nothing wrong with the thoughts & feelings you're having. You love your daughter, & you want help for her. Anyone who tries to judge you for that hasn't been through what you have with your child. I have been through similar situations with my son, & feel much the same way you do. I tried& tried to help him, but none of my efforts are appreciated. It's not even so much tha anger over how much pain he has caused me & his sister, but the very real fear he will be seriously hurt or even killed if he keeps living the way he has been. The last time he got out of jail he had to go back 8 DAYS later because he & a "friend " robbed a drug dealer at gunpoint for $64. This from a boy who had $300 in his wallet. Just makes me sick.
    I know you don't want to see your child locked away, but keep hoping being punished will cause her to change her ways & get her life together. Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel. Don't worry about anyone who tries to tell you you are wrong for feeling the way you do. Anyone who tries to judge you hasn't been through this. Sometimes I feel so guilty for being relieved because at least when he's locked up, I can sleep at night because I know where he's at. I will pray for you & your daughter. Prayer & the help from others in this group are the only things that have helped me get through this.
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think everything you laid out is OK. Except one thing: if you want it because of anger. And I think you do not. You want her to be safe and to live a life which is productive, that she not be degraded or degrade herself.

    Who would not be angry?

    You have done everything you can for your daughter. It is now between her and society via the justice system.

    Weary, I am so sorry that it has worked out this way. You tried and tried. At least now she is safe from the dangers of the street. Nobody can be protected or should be protected from the consequences of acts as serious as these.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2015
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    First WM, I am sorry.

    I think you have good instincts about your daughter. I am sure you are angry and sad and disappointed and frustrated and all of it.

    You have intervened now and done all you need to do.

    Let it go and focus on you. Keep posting here. We get it and we care.
  6. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    I feel some relief after reading all of your posts. I know in my heart that, although prison is a terrible place and the conviction will have life long impact, that she is going to have to experience punishment severe enough to get her attention. She is so capable of living a good life but until she is jolted or impacted severely enough to prompt her to change I don't have a lot of hope.

    To your point Copa, I AM angry with her and I expect to work through that over time but the true reason I want her to go to prison is for HER. We jave done rehab and therapy and inpatient and outpatient treatment, medication, etc and she has been in jail multiple times and nothing has been effective. Not even her time living in less than desirable places doing less than desirable things has made a change.

    The hard part now is waiting. The wheels of justice crawl it seems like, especially when you're waiting for a decision that will be life altering for her and us.

    Again, thanks for everyone's thoughts, I'm glad to hear that I'm not off my rocker, at least not completely.
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Weary, I see nothing wrong with the way you are feeling. I have been exactly where you are.
    We don't start out wanting our children to go to jail, unfortunately we arrive at this because we have tried everything else.
    I think it was very brave for you to write a letter to the D.A. You were honest and that's always best. I think by doing this you are bypassing the potential for a few more years to pass where your daughter is on probation and goes back to using drugs and stripping. You see, I too wrote letters to the D.A. on a recommendation that I should express how much potential my son had and how his dad and I would be there to help him, to support him, etc..... Well, the letters worked (did this 2 times) my son was given probation and nothing changed, it progressed to be worse.

    It's very natural for parents to want to help their children but sometimes they just have to learn on their own. It's like a hot stove, you tell them "don't touch, it's hot" but they won't listen and the go over and touch it and get burned. Sometimes our kids just have to learn the hard way and we really need to let them.

    As for anyone giving you heat, do your best to just let that go. There are always going to be people who will pass judgment on how we choose to deal with our D.C's. They have not walked in our shoes, they have not had the sleepless nights, they have not dealt with not knowing where your child is for days or weeks, they have not felt the fear we have, they have not seen their child in jail or high on drugs, they do not know what it's like for us so it's easy for them to think they would handle it differently.

    I think you are doing a great job in dealing with all of this. Don't doubt yourself.

    ((HUGS)) to you...................
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  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Weary,

    Same here, that I think your feelings are quite natural. As parents, our emotions certainly run the gamut. I went from feeling so very, very sad for my son - to resigned - to angry - to disgusted....and volleyed back and forth. Right now, i am close to angry, but mostly just want left out of his fallout.

    My Difficult Child has also been very mean. He has been in prison and apparently did not learn too much. This was in a fairly progressive system (compared to my state) with individual therapy, group sessions, opportunities to earn college credit, etc. One thing my husband expresses fairly frequently is that he wants Difficult Child to know we know how mean he has been to us. And, i agree with that. I see no point in trying to downplay any of that (although, for years...i did!)

    You know, we feel what we feel at the time. I am not so certain we can change those feelings, based on the history and what we have been through. This forum helps us see things differently because we get so much affirmation and understanding. Still, each of us must travel this road at pretty much our own speed.

    SWOT's comments make sense to me, in that the sooner our Difficult Child's get the repercussions for their choices, the better. Trying to protect them does not help them. I know I was in denial for years.

    I have thought and said this so many times....if i had known then what i know now....

    Stay with us, ok?

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  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It's out of your hands. They sent the SWAT team. She is in deep :poop:.
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  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry WM. You're responding to a dramatic situation laced with a nasty history....you've done your best, that's all any of us can do. Be kind to yourself. Take care of you......
  11. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You have a good opportunity to detach now since really it's not up to you what happens to her at this point. She's apparently done something very bad and is now involved with the justice system. It's not something you could fix even if you wanted to.

    You've done what you thought was right by writing the DA. You've got your boundaries established around her phone calls. There isn't anything else you need to do.

    After living in a drama tornado, we have trouble going back to just plain old living. It's PTSD like combat veterans can get. Try to enjoy your life. As for judgements by other people who don't have a clue - who cares?!
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    Last edited: Jul 8, 2015