I'm having a hard time detaching with love...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ThreeShadows, Feb 27, 2009.

  1. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    My mother was a horror scene. I don't want to be like her, but I feel this grain of anger growing in my heart. It's like the sand in an oyster, hatred is starting to build around the irritation of the knowledge that all my maternal love has been invisible, denied and rejected.

    difficult child 2 is marrying a member of his "extended family". He barely knows this girl. There is ALWAYS someone who will give him shelter, who has no boundaries. Her family let him move into her bedroom (they barely know each other). He is about to inherit a pile of money from my mother's estate, which was supposed to be mine before a vulturous woman decided to re-arrange our lives. He is not yet 23y.o., this will be his second marriage (first wife assaulted me by phone, saying that he had a baby on the way, I didn't know he had a wife...). I googled his name and was sad to see that a member of this "extended family" had posted a video of him, obviously drunk or stoned, giving the finger to the camera and doing sexually suggestive things with his nipples. These people have been a terrible influence in his life.

    His father is one of the most honest men you could meet. His patients always came first, so I practically raised both difficult children by myself. I gave my life to this young man. Parenting was my profession. I wish he would change his name and stop dishonoring his family. He expects us to snap to it when he needs something, never lives up to his promises, we have been glorified babysitters and an ATM. He is in trouble with the police because the rules were not written for him.

    I guess I am trying to say that I am afraid that I am becoming my mother and this makes me so sad.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry. There are times I feel I am becoming my mother too and it scares the bejesus out of me. It is sad to say I have started to look more like her as I have gotten older...lol. I cringe at the thought.
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Ok here is the difference between you and your mother. YOU did not do to your mother what your difficult child did to you.
    What you are feeling is a natural consequence of his difficult child behavior towards you. Therefore it is not anything like your mother's behavior. It mearly seems like it on the surface. -RM
  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Thank you, RM, that means a lot to me. Rage and hatred killed my mother. I'm trying to be more gentle. It's not easy.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I agree with RM........you are NOT your mother.
    She did not have to raise a difficult child.
    God help us if my parents would have had to raise one. Seriously.
    You are simply responding in a normal way to detaching. There are significant parts of detaching that require anger. It is similar to the stages of grieving - anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance, etc. Sometimes those stages happen every 2 hours for days - or sometimes we stay in one for a seriously long time. As long as you are getting perhaps some counseling, or working this through, you will not stay in the anger stage forever. For now, it is part of coping with the loss of the son you had hoped for, and trying to find acceptance with his choices in life. That is a long road.

    We are here for you. Hugs.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I read something somewhere on a good personal therapy you can try, if you feel strong enough.

    You had a rotten childhood - I won't compare, but you are not alone in this. Whether our parents simply were too busy, or were far more actively malevolent, many people were so wounded in childhood that a part of the child they were has been left behind, stuck at that point.

    If you are strong enough, try this - visualise yourself as the strong, independent adult you are now. You have grown through life, you ahve learned. But somewhere back in your childhoos id that little child. INI your mind, picture the scene. Picture the people, picture yourself as that child. But it's not you, it's that child.

    Mentally walk yourself back up the road to the place where this happened. Walk in, walk up to that child, reach down and take te child by the hand, tell the child you are there to keep her safe and she need never be alone, afraid or hurt again. Then walk out with the child, take the child to yourself and remember, you are now the adult who is caring for the child you once were.

    If you can handle this, it is very healing. It is an exercise you may feel you need to do a few times, whenever the hurt from the past threatens to distract you from who you are today.

    But it is powerful. Go gently, be kind to yourself.

    Also please note - there is nothing in this that says you need to say anything or do anything to anyone else present. They do not matter. All that matters in this is you, and the child you once were.

  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    It could be worse....I have started to look more and more like my FATHER!


  8. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Unfortunately, I have had ALMOST as much therapy as Woody Allen (NYC inside joke). Dealing with difficult child 2 reminds me of the roller coaster ride of trying to get/stay pregnant: my hopes would climb until ovulation and plummet after each failure/miscarriage. Each time difficult child 2 seemed to be doing better, husband and I would look at each other and give one another the "he's going to be all right" look.

    I guess I'm just a hope junkie. I need to accept that he's not going to come out of the darkness. BUT I can.

    Love to all of you.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Sorry for your hurting heart today -

  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Thank you, Star. Desmond helps some...Where is Raul?