This is a tricky one. And the more I listen to you guys, the more I wonder just how much overlap there is between bipolar and autism in its various forms, because the big problems we've had in our household, as been connected to belief systems.
We've raised our kids to believe in truth, but we are also living in a world where people want children to enjoy a rich fantasy life. This puts us in direct conflict, when we have kids for whom belief is something they MUST have, especially belief in truth. Because if/when they discover we have 'lied' to them about X, then how can they trust Y, Z or the rest of the alphabet?
We've never told our kids the "truth" about Santa, etc. Instead we brought in a rule - Santa only visits children when they are young, when they reach high school age Santa stops visiting. Instead, Santa then makes it possible for parents to invest more (money, thought or whatever you want to use to interpret this, but only if the child gets stroppy about the extra gift stopping) in the older child's gift.
And the same rule goes for the Easter Bunny. We actually down-played Easter Bunny stuff once we realised the problems we were heading for with our kids. Experience with difficult child 1 gave us a heads up on difficult child 3, who is ten years younger.
So what is the holiday custom in our family - the "Santa gift" (usually with a small stocking of sweets) would be left unwrapped for the child to find on Christmas morning. All other gifts would be wrapped under the tree and could not be opened until the whole family assembled after church. This meant that the younger ones who can't wait as patiently as the older kids get one gift early on Christmas morning, and it also spreads it out a bit for them so they don't get so overwhelmed by an avalanche of gifts. Of course, there would be kids at church towing their entire haul of gifts to show them off, which used to tick off our kids no end - not everyone has the same family custom!
We tended to choose the Santa gift by choosing the one that would have been most difficult to wrap - a bike, for example, would be an ideal Santa gift.
With the Easter Bunny, we would leave an Easter egg (or similar - we have Easter bilbies here in Australia) on the child's bed so they'd find it when they woke up. Hiding eggs in the garden can be risky unless you have European-style manicured garden. We have an Aussie bush garden because we like to encourage the wildlife, especially birds. We have masses of bright-coloured native flowers in tight tangles everywhere, it's Indiana Jones territory, and hiding eggs, let alone hunting for them, risks someone finding something potentially dangerous. The last thing I want to do on Easter Sunday is have to rush to the ER with a spider bite. OK, nobody has died from a funnelweb spider bite since we developed antivenin back in the 80s (plus we now have a brilliant first-aid treatment that also can save lives fast, even without antivenin) so for us, the Easter Bunny has been less of an issue.
However - I do not agree with telling kids, IF those kids are so intensely reliant on belief. You cannot risk undermining a child's faith in you as the guardians of truth. The damage has been done, when the belief in a fictional character was permitted to be established.
That establishment of the character happens all too easily - it is such a lovely thing to believe in, because it requires little form the child that is not already expected ("be good") and it gives generously in return. Who wouldn't want to believe? When you, the parent, shatter the child's belief, you risk the child then questioning everything else you have encouraged them to believe. If you are a family with religious convictions (any religion) then you can find this is the beginning of the child starting to question the religion. "If Santa doesn't exist, maybe God doesn't either?"
We tried to raise difficult child 3 without any Santa myth, without any Easter Bunny or similar. The problem - too many other people (stupid adults generally, rarely other kids) would take great delight in telling him. I would get so cranky - but then get told, "It's a grandparent's job, to do this."
yeah, right. Or they would say, "Isn't it wonderful to see the enjoyment in their little faces when you tell them these stories?"
In other words, the adults doing the damage here are doing it because they are getting a big kick out of telling pretty lies to children, but they will be long gone when we have to deal with the consequences. We did try to avoid it, we tried so hard, but other kids, teachers at school (from pre-school and even childcare onwards) and the media, all play a part in undermining a parent's resolve to never lie to the kids.
Your child is currently getting flak at school for his belief. It's not nice, it's not fair, but I think that is the path you have to take. Do not tell him when he comes home looking for reassurance, "Don't worry darling, it's OK, they're all wrong."
Instead, you take the opportunity then, when it arises, to share with him that the gift of giving is something that doesn't come easily to people, and we are too suspicious and always ready to look for an ulterior motive. So we like children to enjoy receiving a gift without needing to think about what they have to do in return. A Santa gift or Easter bunny gift should never have been a big thing, it is simply a token, something to help the child enjoy the wonder of the occasion. But the desire to make other people happy is in us all and it is that desire that is where Santa and the Easter bunny really live. Not the north pole, not down a burrow, but in our hearts when we do something kind for someone else, at any time of the year.
A little child doesn't understand this, but an older child can learn to become Santa and the Easter bunny, by trying to see what kindnesses they can do for the people around them. Sometimes a smile is a gift to a total stranger. Picking up someone's shopping that they dropped is another gift - every time you do something kind for someone and don't expect anything in return (because what gifts did we ever give to Santa or the Easter bunny?) you are keeping that spirit alive inside you, and all the gifts you received as a little child are now coming back into the world, to share again. And if the child still wants more, that's OK too. He can learn to become part of the giving process, he can set up an Easter egg hunt for younger children then stand back and watch the fun.
A big problem with making it part of a belief system, is that kids then feel a need to lie in return about their belief, because if they stop believing, the mythical creature stops giving gifts. easy child was very astute, that is why we had to begin the rule about Santa continuing to give gifts until they reached high school age (about 11, in Australia). easy child actually said to me, "My friends at school say Santa is just your parents, and I know they're probably right, but I'm scared that if I stop believing in Santa, I won't get a gift this year." So that is when we brought in the rule and I said, "It is OK to not believe, you will still get a Santa gift until you're in high school." We figured (erroneously, as it turned out in the boys' cases) that by high school age the kids would understand.
We've never told difficult child 3 that Santa or the Easter bunny don't exist. Instead, at a predetermined age, the gifts stopped just as they did for the older kids. But we still give gifts ourselves, the kids don't miss out.
I bought some Easter chocolate for the kids this year. The adult kids buy it for us too, so there is a general exchange of chocolate and cards. I forgot to give difficult child 3 his chocolate bunny before church yesterday (well, it WAS a dawn service and difficult child 3 was too sleepy to get up and come with us!) so when we remembered, I called him in to where husband & I were. I had been about to say, "It's form the Easter bunny," but husband stopped me.
"Here, son, Happy Easter," husband said as he handed it over.
Doesn't matter who it's from now. It's all chocolate!
Regarding belief systems and autism - difficult child 1 has become intensely religious. He's turned his back on a lot of the science we surrounded him with (for me and husband, there has never been a conflict between science and religion) and now he gets a lot of support and validation from his church, so in return he has fully embraced, with fanatic zeal, every belief system they expose him to. I've heard some weird and worrying things at times, totally at odds with my own conservatively religious upbringing and frankly far more conservative, but clearly new ides expressed as "long-held tradition". I know it's not just difficult child 1's church but is actually coming from an influx into Australia of conservatism from elsewhere; my former cleaner would sometimes argue with me about the same sort of thing, he would tell me of doctrine which he was convinced was 2000 years old and when I said, "Yes, I remember when that was first proposed," he called me a heretic.
So be aware - if your son is so tightly dependent on the belief systems in his life, he may replace one with another, so make sure he embraces the belief systems you want him to, and not anything too way out for you to handle. ie keep him away from Peanuts cartoons and "the Great Pumpkin"! (oh, there was so much wisdom in "Peanuts"...)
This is the early pattern of his belief systems later in life. How you handle this now will also form a part of this. But only a part - it is also his own make-up that has been responsible for this.
Not to put too much pressure on you...
Marg
Then he admitted that he'd had his doubts, but still... (he just won't let go of this!)
