It all fell apart Part 2

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Mostly posting to vent. Warning... This is long.

    Things went from bad to worse yesterday. First, in the afternoon she knocks on our door and has a young woman with her, T, who is her boyfriends (J) current wife. Acting like they were high school chums. She said she needed to get some clothes because she thought she had a job interview the next day.

    So the two of them went upstairs and I followed. My husband asks who's car is in our driveway and T said "it's mine." He said who's in the car ? Turns out it was J and another guy. He asked her to move the car out of our driveway. She did.

    Difficult Child picks up two tops both with spaghetti straps and I told her I didn't think those are the most appropriate things to wear for job interviews because it wouldn't match the dress code of what employees wear. She took the them anyway.

    I told Difficult Child that hanging out with J and his wife was messed up. She agreed.

    Then she asked to get in the shed in the backyard to get some of Js clothes. (From last week when she totalled the car) When she left... we just shook our head.

    Fast forward about three hours. At 4 PM she called home crying asking us to come and get her at a park on the edge of town. We grabbed our baseball bats and hop in the car. Before we could get out of the driveway she texts..."never mind I have a ride".

    I ask who is driving her home and she said T. I said that's a really stupid idea. I ask her to stay on the phone with me until she got dropped off. She said her phone was at 15% and so she needed to save the battery. After 30 minutes I texted her and said where are you and she said I'll be home soon.

    An hour and a half after she called crying, she still wasn't home and wasn't answering her phone and my messages weren't going through. I hadn't checked her texting app in months but I felt the situation warranted it

    Since she had talk to me she had texted J's Moms # asking for a ride from the park. She told his mom that J had thrown her to the ground multiple times and she needed bandages. Then she said T had beat up J and he needed a ride home too. She said J had went back to His wife. His mom declined as she was baby sitting and another son had her vehicle to get to his job.

    So I start driving out to the park and call my husband ask him to meet me there. Then I thought, maybe, under the situation, I should notify the police and have them check there.

    We all got there about the same time. My husband saw Difficult Child and J sitting in the park about a block away he went over and talk to them. When they noticed the police had pulled into the park Jarred and his wife got up and ran into the trees that border a residential area.

    The police talked to Difficult Child and she downplayed everything. I didn't see any bleeding on her but I could tell her face had small minor scratches and her jeans had lots of grass stains...not just on her knees. she tried to deflect the scratches on her face to the car accident over a week ago. She refused to come home with us. She said T just had a miscarriage and she felt sorry for her. And she was wearing the top she took "for a job interview".

    She said J's uncle was coming to give them all a ride home. At 7 PM she texted 'can I call you later"? I said yes, but I'll be at AA family group meeting from 7 to 8. I ask her where she was and she was still at the park.

    Fred and I drive back to the park about 8:30pm and walked all around it...calling her name.

    Since about 7pm, her phone had been dead or off-line, then, about 1 AM this morning she texted "I'm back in town.I'm OK I'm not with J anymore."

    I checked the daily police bulletin and T was on it... About 8:30pm she was charged with ICOL... Illegal consumption of liquor.

    Today she texts me she and J just had an argument...and they were going to talk later today. Her sister stopped by saying that Difficult Child and J were back together!

    I was so ticked. There was one incident when I thought she played us for $5. Sunday night, she dropped by, begging for $5, because J's mom was demanding it for the food she ate that day. We had company so husband let his guard down. I texted J's mom and said I know you probably don't want to hear from me... And I asked her if she got the $5. Yep she played us both.

    I told her if she had concerns about Difficult Child to call me. Difficult Child doesn't know that she and I know she played us both. She and J are still at his moms, but she's tired of it and says they will be out soon.

    I texted Difficult Child. Told her never to have J or T on our property. Never to bring a friend over with out permission. Never stop by unannounced. That I was tired of her only coming over to get stuff.

    She texted back... I'm sorry. Doesn't mean a thing to me. All the lies... Can't believe a damn thing.

    Last edited: Aug 7, 2018
  2. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    my advice..block her from calling you except for 1 hour/day--my open hour is from 6-7pm.. that's it. Playing games, trying to jerk my heartstrings has been cut down considerably. When son asked why it takes me so long to answer him and texts just say sending "forever" ..My answer, "no clue, but I am not carrying my phone around anymore."
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh KSM, what a huge amount of drama in one day! I'm exhausted just reading it. I wish I had words of wisdom, but you know there aren't any in this situation. You are doing exactly right by laying down the rules. If she wants to be in that situation, you can't stop her, but you can keep it out of your house.

    I hope she sees the light sooner rather than later.
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Here us part of what I messaged her last night...when I told her NOT to bring people to our house is property.

    Things are spinning out of control and you are acting like it's an amusement park ride. Wheeee! The people watching know the ride is going to crash and burn. But they are powerless to help.
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You aren't wrong. There's not a thing you can do that won't just allow her to keep riding. Maybe, just maybe, if it gets too much for her and she knows that there is solid ground at home...she'll hop off.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI KSM, oh boy, what a story. All of it reminds me of the roller coaster ride we have been on with my two. Bad boyfriend choices, hanging out with people who seem to thrive on drama and chaos. It is a Jerry Springer world, for sure. One that you did all you possibly could to prevent. Ultimately, it is her choice, and she will do what she wants. Guard your heart and keep your eyes wide open.
    I am so sorry that she is dragging you into this mess. It was the same for us. Coming home to find strange cars in the driveway "friends" in the house. NOPE! Not having that! Stick to your guns and do not allow it!
    Your home is your sanctuary, not a "pit stop".
    That is how my two treated my home. A place to store their things, lay their head and sleep while we were working, feigning illness. It was a chance for them to act as if they were living in a hotel, partying all night. It was horrible, a train wreck and there was nothing we could do to stop it. The only thing was to lay down rules and when they broke them, make them leave. That meant all of their stuff, too. No excuses for coming over to our house unannounced, breaking in at times.
    That is not easy, because it felt like throwing them out, but realistically, having them home status quo was abandoning ourselves and the peace of our home.
    Hold tight to your husband.
    There is no reason or rhyme to their choices and the awful consequences. I am so sorry, I know how difficult this is. Try not to get sucked in to the whirlwind of it.
    You have a life to live, aside from all of this craziness.
    Hang in their sweet lady.
  7. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I feel for you, That terrible feeling a panic and fear thinking your child is hurt. Then rushing around trying to save her when she doesn't want to be saved or even know she needs saving. I can't tell you how many times I have done that. My son ran away at least 50 times when he was under the age of 18. I mean going from MO to Fl at 15 , no money, no phone. Now that he is older crisis are a little different but still heart breaking. You have to set boundaries for yourself and for her. I am trying to do this and getting better at it but it is so hard when you know your child is hurting even if they did put themselves in that position. Sometimes I think I want to believe the lies ,that he really does care, have some insight. I have been trying to look at just the behavior to keep my feelings out of it. I love the idea of certain times to call. It seems like a good part of my day is living in anxiety that he is going to call with a crisis. I can hear all the excuses from him as to why he would have to call at a different time. Just have to be strong enough to not answer. Hang in there
  8. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    We have never let either DGD have a key to our home. Older DGD would lose them...younger would probably make a set to give to friends. Older One does impulsive things...younger plans ahead and thinks of many details.

    I've caught her in so many lies. Just today, she texted she would like to stop by and get one of the microwaveable heating pads, as she was cramping from her period. We had given each girl one for Christmas when they lived at home. Not a big deal.

    BUT, last week, when we cleaned of her car after the auto accident, she had only taken one pill and I voiced my concern. (We were gone 4 weeks!). She said, "I'm not pregnant, I just finished my period!" I reminded her what she had said...and she denied saying it.

    Wow. Ksm
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Wow indeed. :(

    You'd think she'd understand that any sentence that has "pregnant" in it would stick in your mind. It must be exhausting to be these kids, trying to keep the lies straight.

  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I feel for you. You are going through a very difficult time with the girls. I hope that you get some peace soon and they settle down. The day to day of this has to be emotionally draining.

    In the end all our worry does nothing. I wish I could get all the energy back that I wasted worrying about my son and being miserable.
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Latest... Text at 2am. "I'm not with him anymore"

    Me... "Will I wake up in the morning and you are with him? Will this all just be a dream?"


    Will see. Suppose to see her case manager at 10m... Ksm
  12. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Words, promises mean nothing.

    Actions speak. Words are just babble to manipulate us but they dont require hard work or change. Action is the only truth.
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    The good news:

    She's young. She has lots of time to fix all of this and get on the right path!
  14. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She asked to come home yesterday. Slept about 15 hours. We haven't really talked yet. Saw multiple bruises on arms and legs. Won't talk about them.

    Pray for her spiritual and mental healing. Bruises will go away. Emotional abuse...takes longer to heal.

  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Ksm, just seeing this. The dv cycle is complicated and difficult to break free from. Prayers for your daughter, I hope she wakes up realizing she deserves better and starts a new path. I am sorry for your heartache.
    It was a long road for us with two daughters making bad choices with violent men.
    One day at a time...
  16. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    She's been home for a week, but has not come home at night 50% of the time. Sigh... She probably won't come home tonight. She said she is to go to a new job tomorrow afternoon. We have an appointment. on Thursday with her psychologist. I hope she will follow thru.

    But, I have caught her in so many lies. Even things she does the need to lie about. That is huge for me. I don't think we can let her stay here much longer. Her case worker wants us to try and set "boundaries" for her to continue staying here. But we have tried that, and she only got more creative with lies why she couldn't make it home.

    I never knew cars could have so many flats, dead batteries, out of gas... Or a friend had to drop off multiple people before she found drop her off. Or some emergency happened and her friend is in the ER, or the friend had to watch younger siblings... Ya da ya da ya da...

    It's ending soon, one way or another. Ksm
  17. Heavy hearted

    Heavy hearted Member

    Yes, it's really hard to know when "the perfect" time to let go is........wait...there is no perfect time. When YOU have had enough. when YOU can't sleep, can't eat and YOUR mind and body are fighting each other....YOU will know when the time is right. Goodluck! My prayers are with you.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List