It's been a while (update)

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Tymica, Sep 7, 2015.

  1. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    Hi there! I am not sure if you all remember me, I was posting here a while back (like a yearish or more ago) and things continue with my addict son who now has an addict girlfriend as well. Sorry this post will be long, but I want to give a recap for anyone who doesn't remember me and an update since I haven't posted in a long time.
    About 2 years ago (to the month) my 16 year old, very successful son blew out his knee playing football. Never any major issues before this. Good grades, popular in school, great girlfriend, active in extracurriculars, etc... After the knee surgery that October, he became addicted to prescription painkillers and began smoking pot and drinking heavily. We found out about some of his drug use around Thanksgiving, and tried to ground him, take his phone, all the usual routes. In January of 2014, our house was broken into and every prescription was stolen, not to mention some electronics. We knew it was him or that he was involved so we began to really get the sense of how serious his problem had become. We began looking into outpatient rehabs for him. The first week of February 2014, he was caught selling pills at school. That day, the juvenile office became involved with him and we sent him to an inpatient rehab for 60 days. He came home in April, now expelled from school. My husband (his stepdad, but has been involved with him since he was a few weeks old and dad in every way that matters) gave him a job and we tried to do a lot of family activities to keep him busy and away from bad influences. In June 2014 He was caught drinking and smoking pot again. Back to rehab for another 60 days. He came home in September. We enrolled him in the alternative school so he would be able to graduate and he got a job. Things seemed to be going better. He got a nice little girlfriend who seemed to help keep him together. In January, my in-laws were on vacation in the Bahamas. I get a call from them saying their housesitter came over to find my son and a group of his friends in the house getting high and that he had stolen their car. This was during the day when he was supposed to be at school, so the first thing I did was call the school. They proceed to tell me that he's been signing himself out at noon everyday pretty much since October. He has no car, so I'm dropping him off in the morning and he's been having someone pick him up and hanging out all day. Then showing back up at the school in time for me to pick him up. That night, I told him the lies and betrayals were too much and he is going to need to find somewhere else to live. So he's been out of my house since the end of January. But at this time I'm still talking to him on FB and he's staying with a friend and I'm hoping he will come to his senses. This goes on until the end of April when he comes over for a visit and spends the night. A few weeks later, I go to get his little sister (she's 10) tablet that I had put away since she was grounded from it. It's gone. I knew he took it but decided not to say anything because he would just lie and whatever he stole it for is long gone anyway. Now it's May. He does graduate high school by the skin of his teeth, but we have a big family get together and things seem to be going well. His 18th birthday June 15, we have everyone over again and do a big dinner and I'm thinking maybe things are going to change! Then the first weekend in July he cons his grandmother into letting him and his girlfriend come over for the night because hes sick yadda yadda (whatever the excuse was). His grandma lets him, but she leaves the next morning and lets them spend the day at her house while she's not home. She comes home to him and his girlfriend high out of their minds (like totally out of it), missing jewelry, and they tried but were not able to break into her safe but its obviously been tampered with. So husband (this is his mom) sends him a fb message since he has no phone that we know of basically saying that stealing from your grandmother and baby sister is the lowest of the low things you could do and to stay away from us and our family. Since then, I have talked to him maybe 3 times, my husband not at all. And that pretty much takes us to the current day. But I'm having terrible guilt. I haven't seen him in over 2 months, I haven't heard from him in over 10 days. I'm sick with guilt feeling like I shouldn't turn my back on him, I want to talk to him. I don't care if he lies to me, I don't care if he robs me blind, I just want to see him and talk to him. But I don't even know how to get in touch with him. and if I could get in touch with him, what could I do? He and his dad hate each other now, and I feel torn. I don't want to be the person who chooses her husband over her kid, but I feel like I am--Even though in reality, I am just choosing my mental health over his addiction. I don't really have a question or purpose for this post, I just need to vent and feel like someone else gets it, I guess.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I understand the guilt. I have bouts of it every day. I then remind myself that my son chose his path. My rule has always been that you cannot be doing drugs or drinking and live in my house. He is also welcome to come home if he passes a drug test and is in therapy and on medication. He is to unstable and dangerous to be around while drugging and in his current state of mind.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Tymica, I do remember you but appreciate the recap. Of course I get it. But you do care if he lies or steals from you. You want to see him, you want to know he is OK, you miss him. All of that is understandable and very normal. But I would be willing to bet that after about two days of him being home you would quickly realize why you had him leave in the first place.

    We are not obligated to allow our kids to walk all over us after they reach 18. I remember the police telling my daughter once when we called them because she was being violent, that we did not have to let her live there anymore and that it was our house and our rules and she was an adult and could live her life however she wanted elsewhere.

    I know it seems harsh but your son has proven over and over again that he does not respect your property. You do not want to live like that. He knows how to get in touch with you. If he grows up (and often they do) he will come around when you can build your relationship up again. My daughter is now 24 and she respects us now and understands why we did not want her living with us while she was in her drug/alcohol stage.

    I hope you begin to feel better and find joy in your life.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. This is always difficult for us moms, but I have to ask you a few questions.

    Are you really willing to let him steal from you AND your ten year old dauagher blind to pay for his drug habit? From your parents? Just to have him lie to you? What do you feel guilty about? Did you steal or did he? Who breached your relationship, crossed boundaries and did criminal things to whom? If it had been me, the cops would have been called on all of that because I feel it is best to intervene in a tough way with our addicted and disturbed adult kids or how will they learn or be motivated to change? Life is good when he can just pop over at the family house and steal, isn't it?

    At his age, especially if this is your daughter's father, you SHOULD in my opinion pick your husband over grown son. He is 24, hardly a child that you need to "mommy." I see he is adopted and perhaps he inherited some traits from his family of origin that are not within your control. I have adopted kids too. At any rate, you can't change him. Only he can change himself. And if he keeps stealing, eventually he is going to end up in jail or even prison. Somebody outside of the family will have no problem pressing charges. What if he steals a car next?

    All any of us can do is share what we would probably do or what we did. I know that this child, if he were mine, would be living out of my house for good. He is old enough and able bodied and he can find his own rehab if he wants a rehab to quit. He doesn't need you to find it for him. I would not give him any will be used for drugs. I would change the locks on my doors so he can't break in and lock my windows too when I was not home so he could not get in and steal. I would buy a lock box and lock up credit cards a nd bank statements and any cash in the house. I would not want ten year old near him. The people he must be associating with to get the drugs have got to be bad news and you don't want them to retaliate against him, perhaps, by hurting you, your husband or your precious little daughter.

    Safety always came first with me and I did ask my daughter to leave when we caught her having a drug party at our house and unexpectedly surprised her by coming home early. My younger kids were terrified, the "friendsS" were defiant and high and unruly and it was scary. She luckily stayed with her straight brother and listened to his rules because breaking one, including lighting up a cigarette in his house, was a ticket to homelessness. But even if she had not found him willing to reluctantly let him live in his cold basement she would have been gone. We couldn't have her there anymore.

    She quit! Even cigarettes! And her drug of choice was METH!

    She has been twelve years clean so this worked for us and we are glad we did tough love. WE are very close now. Do not think because he is acting like all addicts do and lying and stealing that this is really who he is. Ist's the illness. But until he gets well, and that is 100% up to him, he will not be himself.

    Lately, this board has been full of good news with former addicts cleaning up, getting on with their lives, working and straightening out without coming back home. This is my opinion and it could be wrong, but I think pampering them and letting them see our guilt just sets them back and, worse, sets US back as we are pulled back into the world of enabling again.

    You have to decide the best path for you. It is so sad t hat your son was on such a good path and then hurt himself, but it is what it is now a nd he has to deal with his own life and you have to make your own life either good or is your choice. You can only change one person on You can't change your son. You CAN change how you deal with him and begging for forgiveness w hen you did nothing wrong, AND HE DID, is not going to make him a better person, is it? Well, I don't think so, at least.

    This is all my take on it and take what you like and leave the rest and you have a big cyber-hug from me for your hurting heart. Keep posting. Trust me. We all care A LOT.
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  5. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    He isn't 24, only 18 but at this rate I'm not sure that he'll make it to 24. And he's not adopted, but his bio dad has not been in his life up until the last few months, mostly because I wouldn't allow it because bio dad is a criminal, gang banger, former drug dealer, etc... I do believe criminality runs in the genes after some of the things my son has pulled though. Of course, that's my fault that he didn't know his dad and its his (step) dad's fault that he was never a good dad to him, etc.. Nothing is ever his fault, much easier to blame everyone else... His bio dad has cleaned up his life recently and told me a couple of weeks ago he wants son to come live with him 400 miles away to try to get his life straightened up. I am all for it, but son will not go for it. He isn't ready to make any changes yet. Hopefully that will come sooner rather than later.
  6. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Im so sorry to hear this. I totally understand your feelings on this. I could have writen it!

    For 2 yrs I chose my son over my husband and other children. My other children now resent me and my husband has completely checked out and wants a divorce. If i had it to do all over again I would not have made the same choices. It hurts and is painful, but your addicted child is making his own decisions. Don't let it get in between you and the rest of the family. They didn't choose this. Try and look at the big picture and it will see clearer. *hugs*
  7. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Oh yes, the guilt.... went thru this the first two times I kicked my son out (and felt guilty, called him, let him come back, things got worse, kicked him back out)....

    I had to go thru a couple of cycles of major guilt, calling my son, wanting to have a relationship, he could care less, treated me like crap, major problems, endess cycle.

    I felt like I was in a clown car until finally I got to my breaking point and decided enough, get me out of this circus. I'm happier and more at peace when he is not around. When he was home his cell phone was blowing up with people calling or texting constantly. Someone would come pick him up and off they'd go to party somewhere until 4:00 a.m. The pot smell reeking from his clothes and room made me nauseated. He'd tell me I was delusional that he wasn't smoking pot, etc.

    I found the pipes, bong, pot stems, residue from dabbing in his pig stye of a room. Found an empty box of WhipIts (little canisters they inhale to get a short term high). I literally lost my mind when he put up a "KUSH" black light poster. One huge marijuana leaf staring at me when I walked down my hallway towards his room. Oh hell no. Ripped that crap off the walls, packed it in a trash bag and told him get it out of my house or I'd set his room on fire. (I get pretty animated and scary when I get pushed to my limits). I'd never do it - but anything to put the fear of God in his face at the time was my goal.

    The guilt..... you will let it get to you over and over until you reach the point I am at which is FED UP. I didn't survive all my hard knocks in life to put up with a smart ass son who has zero respect for his mother. I told him I want nothing to do with him until he has a full-time job or is in school full-time. Until then we have no relationship. I'm not feeling guilty anymore, I'm feeling PISSED OFF.
  8. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I understand how you feel my youngest son does not wanna have anything to do with me or his mother he said that he tried to be close to us but realized that we are not interested a thing that we are not without blame so he hardly contacts us be it on FB or phone and he ignores our attempts to contact him.
    He is not a addict of any substance from what I know and even if it is it does not really matter he was like this most of his life he works to supports himself but decided that he wants to live his life alone without any other person in his life. Next year when he comes back from working abroad he said he will buy a apartment(which he can their dirt cheap in my country) and find a full time job to support himself.
    But I have to say its painful I did not raise a child so he can be a stranger to us when he grows up. I did not invested so much love and care for him to ignore us and I can not do anything about it I have no power over his decisions.
    Yes he had no problem with the law and with drugs and yes he was a nice kid and yes he has a job and soon his own place to live but what is the point when you are always alone and by his own words was always like that.
    After my discussion with him I found out how lonely he was his entire life and how much I failed as a parent. Being lonely is a feeling I do not wish to the worst people in the world and yet I let that happen to my child.
    Its a awful when our children decide to cut us of from their life it really is but accept its awful and move on we can not change the past and we can only look towards the future. As my mother said life moves on.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I feel for you and totally understand all of it. My sense right now is you are overwhelmed by the worry and not knowing and that is clouding everything else. So my suggestion is send him a FB message that you are wondering how he is doing. Even if he doesn't respond at least on FB you will know if he has seen it. Whatever you do do not invite him home! I don't think you really want to jepordize your marriage or younger daughter....but that not knowing is really hard and overwhelming.

    I have been son spent 3 months homeless in winter in Denver...I was a wreck at that time. Time and many phases of this journey my son is finally getting clean because he wants there is hope for your son but he has to find it. You can't do it for him.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Tymica, so sorry that things didn't change for you and your son and you find yourself back here needing to vent. I encourage you to read through the pages of this site to learn from others stories and reap their experience, knowledge and support to help you travel this impossible journey YOU did not buy a ticket for.

    There is an article on detachment that is extremely helpful-please read it.

    No one can tell you what to do, how to feel. We all know the heartache, pain and turmoil difficult adult children cause in our lives.

    There are pages and pages of stories similar to yours.

    I think the overall theme with this is that while we pine away over our adult addicted children, they manipulate and use this to their advantage. It has been said addicts and homeless have a code. I know it all too well. They will be loyal to each other, because they help each other remain in the throes of addiction. The next high trumps EVERYTHING. As you have found, family members become targeted, because we love them, want to help them. The thanks we get is written in your post, lying, stealing, months with no contact, it leaves us to go through so much heartache and self examination.

    What did we do as parents to cause this? We can go through our history and know we made mistakes, because we are only human. Addicts will use our love and our guilt to get back into our homes and our hearts over and over again. Some parents see it for what it is and get tough. This toughness is the absolute key to helping addicted adult children face the world and their place in it. The longer we put up with their charades, the longer they stay addicted, ruining their lives and OURS.

    You have a 10 year old little girl who has much to look forward to. Her brother is on his own path and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. He is an adult and will make his choices. You cannot control this.

    We learned the hard way, and in the meantime our son was robbed of a peaceful home. He is now 14 and a kind, sensitive old soul. He has been personally ripped off too, not only of material things, but TIME. While our hearts ached for our older adult children and grandchildren, we spent years trying to "help", we did not see what was being taken from him. That is something I must live with and apologize to him over and over "I am so sorry son that we went through this and that it took away from your childhood." We circled on the "drama go round" and tried our best to be there for him, but in reality, he was the one who really got the raw deal. How could we be the best parents possible for him, when we were so entrenched with our difficult ADULT children, going through the constant roller coaster ride?

    Our adult children had a good life with us as kids, sure we made mistakes but we gave our all. They had their time with us, and were supposed to be on their feet making their own way. They came back time and again, sad stories, promises, needs, tugging at our heart strings. Every single time, it turned out wrong, lying, stealing, partying, inviting friends over while we were working, damaging our house etc.etc.

    My heart goes out to you. You have not turned your back on him. The choices he makes are his and his alone. It is NOT healthy to continue a relationship with anyone, adult children included, who mistreat us. It is not healthy for our little children to watch this unfold and see that Mom will lay down as a rug and be trampled on.

    "What you allow, is what will continue."

    Please consider your daughter, and her right to a peaceable home, her need for her mothers attention, care and love. You are teaching her through your actions and reactions. It is important for us as mothers, to show our children how to stand up for themselves, by how we care for ourselves, by being respectful and at the same time expecting the respect parents deserve.

    It is so hard to see our children go through this. Honestly, do you think your son cares what you are going through? He doesn't. He cares about partying. There is nothing you can say or do to stop it. As a Mom, you want the best for him, as an adult, he has to want the best for himself.

    Please continue to post and vent. There are others who will share. We all have similar stories, some have been down this road several times, have learned much and offer sound advice. I hope today is a better day for you

  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Tymica,

    How are you doing?

    Any updates?