B
bran155
Guest
Hello everyone! I am sorry I have not been on in so long, I have just been trying so hard to stay as detached as possible! But, I often think of all of you! I have been missing the support from the board an awful lot lately!!! It really does help to connect with others who are living in a familiar sadness!!! I hope in my absence there have been many positive things going on for all of you! I have to catch up and do some post reading! I, unfortunately do not have a positive update. Things are still crazy here!!!
I'm not even sure what my last posted said. My daughter is in the County Jail, has been for about 6 months. As crazy as it sounds, it is a blessing in disguise! As some of you may remember, she was living on the streets, doing horrible things to herself to get by! She was found sleeping in the Port Authority bus depot in Manhattan. The officer thought she looked young and called me to confirm that she was indeed 18. I explained the situation to him, he called an ambulance and had her brought to a hospital for evaluation hoping to have her hospitalized, to no avail of course. So he then ran her name and she had a warrant! Thank God for small favors and thank God for his concern! She was transferred up here and taken to the County Jail. She was given 80 days and would have been home a long time ago however, she has been so out of control in there she now has two additional charges! Felonies, at that! She assaulted two Correctional Officers. She sliced one in the face with a broken mirror and choked another!!! Yeah, nothing has changed!!! So, she is now facing 3-5years in state prison!!! When her lawyer first told me that my knees went weak, I was in shock and terrified for her! But, now that I have had time to ponder this, I am thinking that would be a blessing! I actually want her to do the time as it would keep her alive and off the streets!!! We went to court yesterday and her lawyer seems to think the DA is willing to drop down the charges from felonies to misdemeanors. If that is the case she won't be going upstate or doing 3-5 years. She will be released around summer time! UGH!!! I am dreading her release!!! I cannot deal with life when she is missing and there is no doubt in my mind that she will take off again to live in the gutter!!! She just seems to gravitate to the streets!!! I will never understand it! She still refuses her medications and is still very much in denial about being mentally ill! No progress here!
Meanwhile, while she has been incarcerated I have been really doing quite well personally! When you live as I do just knowing where your child is every night makes all the difference! I have really come a long way! I have been taking care of me and it feels GREAT! I lost about 45 pounds, dye my hair regularly again, wear make up, shop for new clothes, just really having fun being a "girl" again! LOL My husband and I have really reconnected! We have date night every Friday, though it's usually at home as we can barely afford to pay the rent these days, but so much fun nonetheless! We send the kids downstairs to my sister's house, turn on the music, have a few drinks and sing and dance around like goofballs! Our sex life has improved immensely! The spark is back! I am so afraid that I will regress right back into the darkness once my daughter is released! I absolutely dread that day! It is so hard to see your child in the back of a police van, in cuffs, on a chain gang, but it is MUCH harder to not know where she is or what she is doing, or even if she is alive!!! There is no doubt in my mind that once she gets out she will leave my house and go right back to the streets! I am terrified of that. I can't even articulate the words that can describe what that feels like and how hard it is on me! I am so afraid that she is going to go right back to the life she was living before, in the gutter, with pimps and drug addicts! My heart cannot take that again. The worst part is that I KNOW it's coming and there isn't a damn thing that I can do to prevent it!!! So, I am just trying my best to just stay in the moment, take it one day at a time and enjoy the peace and emotional freedom I have now!
And that's it in a nutshell! Please forgive me for staying away for so long, but please know that you all have been in my thoughts and in my heart the ENTIRE time!
Shawna
xoxoxo
I'm not even sure what my last posted said. My daughter is in the County Jail, has been for about 6 months. As crazy as it sounds, it is a blessing in disguise! As some of you may remember, she was living on the streets, doing horrible things to herself to get by! She was found sleeping in the Port Authority bus depot in Manhattan. The officer thought she looked young and called me to confirm that she was indeed 18. I explained the situation to him, he called an ambulance and had her brought to a hospital for evaluation hoping to have her hospitalized, to no avail of course. So he then ran her name and she had a warrant! Thank God for small favors and thank God for his concern! She was transferred up here and taken to the County Jail. She was given 80 days and would have been home a long time ago however, she has been so out of control in there she now has two additional charges! Felonies, at that! She assaulted two Correctional Officers. She sliced one in the face with a broken mirror and choked another!!! Yeah, nothing has changed!!! So, she is now facing 3-5years in state prison!!! When her lawyer first told me that my knees went weak, I was in shock and terrified for her! But, now that I have had time to ponder this, I am thinking that would be a blessing! I actually want her to do the time as it would keep her alive and off the streets!!! We went to court yesterday and her lawyer seems to think the DA is willing to drop down the charges from felonies to misdemeanors. If that is the case she won't be going upstate or doing 3-5 years. She will be released around summer time! UGH!!! I am dreading her release!!! I cannot deal with life when she is missing and there is no doubt in my mind that she will take off again to live in the gutter!!! She just seems to gravitate to the streets!!! I will never understand it! She still refuses her medications and is still very much in denial about being mentally ill! No progress here!
Meanwhile, while she has been incarcerated I have been really doing quite well personally! When you live as I do just knowing where your child is every night makes all the difference! I have really come a long way! I have been taking care of me and it feels GREAT! I lost about 45 pounds, dye my hair regularly again, wear make up, shop for new clothes, just really having fun being a "girl" again! LOL My husband and I have really reconnected! We have date night every Friday, though it's usually at home as we can barely afford to pay the rent these days, but so much fun nonetheless! We send the kids downstairs to my sister's house, turn on the music, have a few drinks and sing and dance around like goofballs! Our sex life has improved immensely! The spark is back! I am so afraid that I will regress right back into the darkness once my daughter is released! I absolutely dread that day! It is so hard to see your child in the back of a police van, in cuffs, on a chain gang, but it is MUCH harder to not know where she is or what she is doing, or even if she is alive!!! There is no doubt in my mind that once she gets out she will leave my house and go right back to the streets! I am terrified of that. I can't even articulate the words that can describe what that feels like and how hard it is on me! I am so afraid that she is going to go right back to the life she was living before, in the gutter, with pimps and drug addicts! My heart cannot take that again. The worst part is that I KNOW it's coming and there isn't a damn thing that I can do to prevent it!!! So, I am just trying my best to just stay in the moment, take it one day at a time and enjoy the peace and emotional freedom I have now!
And that's it in a nutshell! Please forgive me for staying away for so long, but please know that you all have been in my thoughts and in my heart the ENTIRE time!
Shawna
xoxoxo