It's me....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AngelaMia, Sep 28, 2007.

  1. Merris

    Seems the lurking is taking place again so I have to be careful. I don't think the search engine would pick up on my user name in a post, so I think I'm safe. Oh the freaking drama!

    difficult child - I am NOT happy. He has chosen to hang out with this friends this whole week. Has done nothing productive. Asked me if he could come over tonight and hang out. I said sure, and I would bring him back. He said no, Mike would bring him back, he just needs cigarettes. I said no.

    He lost my cell phone yesterday so I got it shut off. I can go and get a new one, but I'll have to pay for it - but I'm pretty much poor now.

    I feel like I did with his father. I had all these expectations and hope for him, and he won't face the reality that he has to change in order for things to get better and be different. It took me 10 years to learn that his father wanted different things out of life - it won't take me that long this time.

    The attack was 1 year ago yesterday. difficult child said nothing. I went to my therapist and we talked about it. She agreed that I need to confront him in a gentle way explaining that this didn't "happen" to him. This was the effect of something he chose to do - whether in his right mind or not. Imagine, just imagine, knowing what it feels like to have someone on top of you with a knife, in your home, thinking they are going to kill you and you don't know what they have done to your child already. I didn't know it was him. The muscles in my body shook SO hard, I have never experienced that before in my life.

    Sorry I'm in such a foul mood. I feel used and tossed away by both of them and I'm tired. I have TRIED to be a good person. I have TRIED and FOUGHT to be a good mother, but it's time other people got off their keisters and do what THEY need to do.

    I'm cocooned in my slum for the night because it's Friday and the bikers are out in full force. I took some klonipin because my jaw was clenching SO tightly. I tried to do without them because husband said I was an addict. I talked to psychiatrist about that and I tell him my concerns. I have tried other medications, Xanax, Ativan - they don't work. I have to trust my doctor and my body to know what is right. I don't sleep all day anymore because I don't need the escape. Yet.

    It's more a post about me than it is difficult child. I consider you all to be my friends and I know how patient you have been with me. I truly do appreciate it.

    Signing off for now!

  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Guess it does not matter now what husband thinks or says. If you need the Klonopin, take it.

    I am so sorry for your painful memory on this day.

    Sending you hugs and a shoulder to cry on.


    I am glad you know that it can not take you years to figure out what difficult child is about.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Take the Klonopin, if it helps. I've taken it for over ten years because I couldn't leave the house until I started taking it. Am I addicted to it? No! Addiction means you take bottles of medications to get a certain feeling. What happens is your body becomes dependent on it and it would take me time to withdraw, if I wanted to go off of it. I'm taking the same dose now as when I started. husband doesn't know what he's talking about.
    You seem to have good insight into your son and yourself. (((Gentle hugs))). Hope the sun shines for you tomorrow.

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Hi Merris:

    Take the darn Klonopin if you need it. You have to take time to care for you.
    :flower:I am praying for you.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Is there any reason to even remotely listen to your husband? You are doing what is needed for you, not for some addiction. If he can't see that, that's his problem.

    As to your son, at the very least, you deserve an apology. I would say you deserve a lot more than that. Hopefully, something that will let you feel a lot safer around him.

    I'm sorry he's making such bad choices right now. I wonder if part of the reason is the fact that it is the one-year anniversary of his threatening you and that is preying on his mind? If it is, talking to him might do a lot of good.

    You are becoming so much stronger even in your slum apartment. Please try to not let your son's behavior set you back.

  6. blb

    blb New Member

    I pm'd you
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Isn'rt the divorce final? Even if it isn't, I thought all the
    agreements and paperwork were squared away through your legal
    counsel. Don't let your Ex dominate your decisions. He doesn't
    deserve the power and he surely wasn't dependable when he was
    officially your partner.

    If you have a medication that helps you cope...take it! I'm glad
    you are staying awake during the day by choice. That's a big
    step forward, my friend.

    I will continue to think of you and send supportive thoughts and
    prayers your way. You were hovering pretty close to Hades a year
    ago or so. Stop and think of how much better things are for you
    now and believe that next year it will even be better. I pray so
    for you and for your son. DDD
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hugs, sweetie!

    GO KLONOPIN!!!! You andyour psychiatrist know what you need. husband can goslurp and egg!! You surely will be better off with klonopin than allthe dental work from the jaw clenching (My mom had cracked her teethb/c jaw clenching. It is really painful and expensive.)

    We love you no matter what. Talk to difficult child if it will help you. Spend your time doing what is best for Y-O-U!!! It is time. difficult child needs to go deal with his own stuff and come around you when he has got it all figured out. And workd out a healthy life.

    Until then, you have to put YOU first. You have been a great warrior mom.


  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    Along time ago I read a book called Toxic Parents. It described how certain people said and did things, even from the grave, and how we let them keep their "power".

    You have your own power now. You have gained your power from all the past struggles you have been involved in. Your attack just won't vanish because a 1yr time has will take more than that.

    in my humble opinion, I don't think it's wrong or a bad idea to let difficult child know what that attack did to you and how you don't "trust" and you don't feel "safe". Your plans, however, are to continue your recovery and to continue to give difficult child unconditional love. But, at the present time, your needs must come first and difficult child will just have to "do to get". You have a minor child who needs your full attention.

    You can do this....we've already seen how you've been doing it. :bravo:
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Don't you let anything your ex-husband says to you determine what you do or don't do with your life right now. He lost that right!!!
    You are taking this medication under the care of a doctor. If you feel there is a problem, talk to him about it, but don't let what your husband says have anything to do with that.

    I'm glad you are still going to counseling. I hope your counselor is as good as mine.

    Where is difficult child living right now?? Hopefully not far enough away that he can just stop in.

    For now I think if you want to see him, you should meet him in a mutual place, like for lunch or something. If that can't happen, then don't see him at all. You aren't seeing much change in him and you can't do anything about that, so just continue to change you. You are doing such a great job with that :smile:
  11. blb

    blb New Member

    lol I PM'd you again
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    just wanting you to know I hear your words, I care, and send my peace and strength to you over the cyber lines.
  13. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I took some klonipin because my jaw was clenching SO tightly. I tried to do without them because husband said I was an addict. I talked to psychiatrist about that and I tell him my concerns. I have tried other medications, Xanax, Ativan - they don't work. I have to trust my doctor and my body to know what is right...</div></div>

    Take the Klonopin (or the generic, if you can get it - it's cheaper). Sounds like you need it. Don't know what your doctor is telling you, but Klonopin works different than Xanax or Atavan. From what my doctor tells me, the last two help beat down an anxiety attack after it's already started, where Klonopin actually raises your body's threshold for stress so that it takes more to trigger the anxiety attack in the first place.

    Again, everybody is different. But the treatment regimen I'm familiar with is to get on Klonopin (or Clonazipam - generic), and stay on it. Keep the Atavan, Xanax, or whatever handy for those situations where the stress is so bad that you still have an attack despite the Klonopin. Just a suggestion, but ask your doctor about it.

    Also, again from my doctor, Xanax and Atavan have a really bad "rebound" potential because (a) they don't last very long in your system, and (b) because of what they do - beat down an anxiety response. You'd have to take a lot of the stuff, all day, to keep your anxiety under control. But you then become dependent on it because the rebound once you stop taking it is much worse than if you'd never taken it at all. Klonopin has the same problem, but you gradually reduce the dosage to let your body adjust to the lower stress threshold.

    I am not a doctor! But I can tell you that I've heard the above from two different doctors now, so you may want to ask yours about it as well.

    Think about it. But I can tell you from firsthand experience, it's better to not have an anxiety attack than to have one and then have to take a "beatdown" medication to get it under control (my doctor's term, but I like it).

    Hope that helps. Again, though, I AM NOT A DOCTOR, so check with your own.

  14. blb

    blb New Member


    I PM'd you but you must not have read it.

    In order to not be located on Google you want to remove the name "M_____" from your post above. Otherwise a search via google with M_____ and the board name will lead to this forum, and then all someone needs to do is start reading the posts in T & S and will figure it out.