It's only been three weeks and I already feel like I'm losing easy child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Apr 11, 2013.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    So easy child has been living with his dad now for three weeks. As I posted earlier, he really fought going there. He wanted to stay living with me and stay at his school with all of his friends. He has never been close with his dad growing up and has always been a momma's boy. So he really hated the idea of living with his dad. So now that he's been there awhile, I am happy to say that he is adjusting rather well. He absolutely loves his new school. He likes his teachers, and he has already met several friends who he now eats lunch with every day. I am thrilled that he is doing so well at his new school. I was really worried about him making friends since he is autistic and his social skills aren't the greatest. But he is doing just fine and I am very happy for him.

    I asked him on our weekend visit a couple of weeks ago how he likes living at his dad's. He said he likes it there because of his new school and his dad's cooking is awesome. Both my kids do not like my cooking at all whatsoever. I am a pretty bland cook. I make very simple stuff like spaghetti and baked chicken and pork chops. My ex goes all out and does his own mexican and chinese food. He makes his own salsa and guacamole. He is very creative in the kitchen. So I do give my kids some credit. When I was with the guy he did make great food. I will give him that. But I have to say I'm a little jealous. It seems like easy child and I are starting to grow apart and I don't like it.

    When he first moved in with his dad, he used to text me every day. Now he doesn't text me at all. I text him almost every day to ask him how his day went. He used to answer back in whole sentences. Now I can barely get a word out of him. When I see him in person he is still the same loveable, affectionate kid towards me that he has always been, but I still feel like he is starting to become closer to his dad. My therapist thinks I'm being silly for being jealous. He says that at my son's age, it is normal for him to bond with his dad more than me. It is healthy for him to have a positive male role model in his life. I agree that my son definitely needs his dad in his life for guidance and direction. If they are getting closer then I truly am happy. I just want to make sure the strong bond we have always had together will not be broken. I was thinking that having my son live with his dad would be only temporary. I was hoping he would be able to attend high school where I work and he could move back in with me eventually. But now I realize that my son is getting used to it there and he probably won't ever want to leave. If that is the case then I can accept it. I just wish it didn't feel like I was losing my baby boy in the process.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm going to back the therapist.
    Kids swing between bonding with same-gender parent and opposite-gender parent, and it isn't uncommon at this age to make another swing.

    FWIW... yes, you have lost your baby boy... but remember, it's the BABY boy... you WILL get him back... as a mid-teen, older teen, or young man. It's just harder to handle these swings when Mom and Dad don't live together. I'm dealing with the same thing.
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CB I think grief is a natural feeling given your situation. Change is tough on us humans, we always have some resistance to it. Give it some time, in time you will feel better about it, it's just new and different. He'll always love his mom, that's a given, don't worry about that........Sending hugs...........
  4. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I know I still have difficult child but it's not the same. difficult child is a girl and well... a difficult child. Although easy child does have his difficult child moments, he has always been easier to parent than my daughter. And for some reason I have always gotten along better with the opposite gender. One reason why I wanted all boys when I first wanted to start a family. Don't get me wrong. I love difficult child for who she is and I will always love her just as much as easy child, but her and I haven't been as close as my son and I. And I miss my TV buddy. Every day after work/school easy child and I would watch Family Feud together. It was a little tradition of ours. We would come home, eat dinner, and watch our shows in the bedroom. difficult child has her own shows she watches in the livingroom by herself. Stuff I am not really interested in, although when I do turn on Dr. Phil she sometimes will come in and watch it with me. But other than that we don't really have much in common. And I try to bond with her but she just fights me on everything. My coworker, who has now seen her antics up close and personal, just got through commenting the other day about how difficult child just argues and resists me about everything. easy child is more agreeable. I am just missing him more than I thought I would. I get to see him again this weekend. I can't wait. But this every other weekend thing for me just isn't enough. I don't know how my kids' dad did it for all these years. Because for me it isn't enough time for me to spend with my kids.
  5. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I know this is difficult for you - but you had hoped that it would go well. and he would make friends, like his new school, and get to know his dad. It is going as good or even better than you had expected. I get it, that you are missing him. How often did he contact his dad when he lived with you? The roles are switching... and it will just take time... I am sure you will work out the relationship that you both need. Good luck!! KSM
  6. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    He was used to seeing his dad every other weekend with absolutely no contact in between. No phone calls, texts, anything. I always wondered how my ex could be fine with it. To me not talking to my kids but every other weekend is not enough. I need to be more involved in their daily lives. But that's just me.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    There are stages of development where one parent is more appropriate than the other. Your young man needed his Dad and evidently his Dad is really giving his best effort. Be happy for your son. Many of us who raised sons as single Moms know that there is a void in a young mans life when his Dad is not participatory. Rejoice in his happiness. DDD
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It just makes sense that if easy child lives with dad he will be closer to him, assuming Dad isn't acting like a total jerk, because they are living together. He still loves you. You know that when you see him. It's still early. See how it goes. And hope it goes well for him because, being on the spectrum, it could have been a disaster! Glad he has friends :)
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    :consoling:Just hugs.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    even when my family was intact and we all lived under the same roof I noticed that when my boys hit a certain age they went from being Momma's boys to Daddy's boys. Sure they still loved me to pieces but they were their daddy's shadows. For one thing, they simply had more in common with their dad than they did with me which was especially true with Jamie. Cory still had a few things he enjoyed doing with me, namely shopping. Jamie couldnt have cared less if I brought him home rags.

    Boys tend to hang with mom's for the first few years then they become closer to their dads as they age but when they grow up, oh mom becomes very important again. I have two boys scattered to the winds and I still get my calls. Cory is over 3000 miles away from me and he calls me at least 2 to 3 times a week just to check in on me and make sure Im doing okay and do I need any money. Now that part really kills me. After all the years we had to subsidize him he is finally calling me to see if I could use a few bucks. Bless my babies heart. Funny part is though, he wants to know what I am gonna do with the money before he sends it! Uhhh...go buy some crack Cory!
  11. AgentP

    AgentP New Member

    Have you told him how you feel? Not to put a guilt trip on him, but to communicate that you miss not hearing from him every day? I am all for communicating feelings that I have as well. Again, it must be carefully worded, but I feel that my children should know about and take in consideration my feelings, needs, wants as well. We always focus on their well-being and needs, but ours matter too in my opinion, and relationships are always two-way streets :).
  12. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well easy child just texted me last night before bed asking how long he has to live with his dad. I don't know what's up with him, but I will be picking him up tomorrow for our weekend visit and I will ask him about it then.
  13. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    It could be that he likes it at ex's house but is gearing up to come to your house. Sometimes difficult child 1 does this. At x's house he tells x that he hates it here and wants to live with him. At our house he says he would never want to live with x. Your son could be trying to keep both sets of parents happy. I go out of my way to tell difficult child 1 that it is ok to like/love x. But the emotional poison isn't coming from my house so me saying things like that doesn't change much. Once difficult child 1 even said "But I hate you, I'd never want to leave." I think he was mixing up his households. It was right after he got back from x's.

    I think the healthiest thing for your son is for him to be able to like it at dad's house without being afraid of hurting you. If you try to talk to him about this it might come across that he can't like dad without hurting mom. If you could explain that you miss texting him that might help with your feelings without placing emotional stress on easy child. You want to be able to text him and for easy child to be able to talk about anything at dads house with you.

    Good luck, I know the fear of losing a child emotionally.
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I kind of think it's great that he's adjusting so well that he doesn't feel the need to contact you every day. You want him to be adjusted and not needy and upset, right? He doesn't need any drama and it's very cool he has 2 families that love him. Even if you feel differently, don't convey anything but that to him, you don't want to make him feel guilty for enjoying his dad's life and family. He won't share things with you if he thinks you will be upset, so even if you feel it, fake it. He knows you love him so very much!
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    UAN....very true. You said it well.
  16. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well I had a talk with easy child and he says he doesn't feel "at home" at his dad's. He's still not comfortable there. He asked me if he can come back to live with me for seventh grade. I told him he needs to wait it out at least another year and then we will see. The school year is almost over and I don't think we have all given it a fair shot for him to say he wants to come home so soon. Good news is he loves his new school. easy child says that it is the only thing he likes about living with his dad. He has made several friends and he is really comfortable at his school. So I know that within time he will probably be more adjusted to living with his dad as well. For now I'm just happy he is doing much better than I had expected. I still miss him like crazy, but I am learning how to deal with it. I will be taking him for a couple of weeks in the summer as well, so I am really looking forward to that.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Why just a couple of weeks? You're off for the summer... and if he ends up "stuck in his room until you-know-who decides to get out of bed"... then you might all be better off for X to pay you to take him for "most" of the summer...
  18. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    If I could get ex to agree to it that would be good. I have a feeling he will say no cause he doesn't want to pay me extra money but all I can do is ask. And I do think he is planning on having him at the boys and girls club for the summer but I'm not sure.
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I just checked because I couldn't remember. easy child is at a hugely important age for determining his sense of self and who he wants to be as a man. Almost all of us who had easy child boys who turned difficult child found middle school to be pivotal. I know that in our case there is no doubt that not having bioDad approval was pivotal. He completely knows that you love him just how he is. If he can get that same love secure feeling from his Dad (fingers crossed) his future could be bright.

    by the way, I am really thrilled that he loves his new school AND has friends to share with. Now I am praying that your difficult child will be able to settle in and find companions too. Parenting is hard. Sigh! DDD
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Keep it in your pocket as a fall-back plan.
    easy child tells you he's not getting out of his room or getting breakfast until lunch, and you've got leverage.
    Dad had to either make the summer GOOD for easy child or... you will.