Just fed up!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by joysheph, Aug 13, 2017.

  1. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    My hubby, youngest son and I went out of town for the weekend. When we pulled up in the driveway of our home the window was opened. I was in disbelief that my oldest son would really break into the house? I just knew it wasn't anyone else but him. Sure enough there he was sitting and smoking on my couch. I couldn't even speak I was in total shock that he broke my window and was laying up in my house! He was delusional. He was saying he was held captive for ransom. And how could I even be upset for him coming into his home? I knew arguing was not the answer so I suggested to go admit for psychiatric evaluation at our state mental hospital and get stablized back on medications. He has a diagnosis of bipolar with psychaffective disorder and ptsd. He also is an addict to drugs and alcohol. I had kicked him out over 6 months ago as stated in my previous posts for being noncompliance to medications and therapy. If he will not help self than i can't help but only my safety. I love him with all my heart but I'm so fed up with him only wanting hand outs! He says he has no where to go that people steal his stuff. He told me he don't know what to do. I said than let's go check in the hospital. So he refused. I said than you must leave. I also reminded him that I could of called the cops and had him arrested for breaking entering. I am fed up and tired I feel like running away. Then I feel bad and regret pushing him away over and over after he tells me that he needs his family. I can't let him in my life unless he gets help. He's 28 i can't do it for him.
     
  2. Awakening1990

    Awakening1990 New Member

    Joy I do feel your pain. It's such a tough position to be in when your adult child says he needs his family but just wants you to fix everything without them doing any of the changing. I want to be there for my 28 yr old son emotionally, to encourage him to do the things he needs to do, Unfortunately, he doesn't want that kind of encouragement...so our relationship is pretty much non -existent. I'm grieving that and it's hard to accept. It pisses me off sometimes too.
     
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Good for you for standing your ground. It is impossible to talk rationally with someone who is irrational. You did the best you could with a bad situation.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Joy

    So sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is to turn your son away.

    My son uses the "need my family" card too. I agree with Awakening that he is wanting his family to fix everything.

    My son says that too and it does break your heart but agree that he is not wanting to take responsibility for himself. My son is almost 22 but we are treating him like an adult.

    If we don't, he'll never grow up and he may not in spite of himself.
     
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Seriously? He really thinks you are an idiot, doesn't he? He doesn't respect you at all. Why aren't you madder than a we cat about this? I know it is hard, but until you change how you are behaving toward him, how you are treating him, why should he change? After all, he got thrown out and he can break into YOUR home with impunity. You now cannot even leave your home because as soon as you do, he will break in and make himself at home.

    Who know? It was okay for him to be there this time. Maybe next time he will bring some friends who don't have a place to stay or even have a party. You won't be there to say No!, will you?

    Isn't it time to stop seeing him as your little boy and start seeing him as the grown ass man who is CHOOSING this life and then trying to make you pay to make it easier for him? Aren't you sick and tired of paying to make the consequences of his choices easier? You work dang hard for your money, lady! Spend it on what you want! Tell that FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to go and make someone else's vision cloudy! Every time things get FOGgy, wipe your eyes clear with the vision of him smoking on your couch - imagine him as a grown ass man in a giant diaper crying for his Mommy to fix things because he doesn't want to doe what he needs to do and doesn't like the real world's consequences for the choices he makes.

    We all have to live in the real world. It just is what it is. 28 is plenty old enough to wake up and realize this. Mental illness doesn't exempt you from the real world. He can apply for social security and live on that if he wants, or he can deal with hisillness and go that route. But breaking into Mommy's house has to stop.

    Unless Mommy wants it to continue?
     
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    What he's not understanding is that it's not HIS home.

    I'm so sorry you had to come home to that. I also understand your not wanting to call the police and by not, you granted him a favor which I'm sure he does not see nor appreciate.
    Now you know that a locked door will not keep him out. You really might want to consider some kind of home security system.
    You still might want to consider telling the police. Not to press charges but to have it on record.

    Here's the thing, he has his family. You have tried time and time again to help him and he rejects it.
    What he is really saying here is that he wants to continue to manipulate you so that you will do what he wants. You have nothing to feel bad about, I repeat, you have NOTHING to feel bad about.

    There is help for your son but he is choosing to not accept it. He could take medication but he doesn't want to so he is self medicating. These are his choices and he will have to live with the consequences of his actions.

    Your safety and peace of mind needs to come first. You need to do what you have to so that you can feel safe in YOUR home.

    ((HUGS)) to you.....................
     
  7. joysheph

    joysheph Member

    Thank you all i appreciate all the comments. Yes I do deserve a kick in my butt. I should of called the cops! Today I realized that I screwed up. I know there will be a next time cause I did not enforce anything. i was just to exhausted i suppose. i kept a reminder that he had left here for the next time to take action. I feel unsafe knowing that he thinks it's okay! Thank you all for being around to reply.
     
  8. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Please don't beat yourself up, Joysheph. We have ALL been in your shoes. In the moment it is more difficult than it seems to those of us on the outside.

    Next time you will be stronger, and you will make the decision that is best for you, your family, and your difficult child.
     
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    If there is a next time, you really should call the cops - from your car! Because what if it wasn't your son? What if you'd walked in on a burglary? If anyone comes home to a house that's obviously been broken in to...always call the police and let them go in first! Now, for safety sake, make sure the tell them it could be your son, who has a habit of breaking in, so they don't shoot him or something - but be safe!
     
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