Just the usual on a Sunday

[dalyce]

My second post and it just gets worse with my son. I apologise in advance if I make no sense or leave bits out but I am so upset and hurt. He's 23 and is the nastiest person I know. I visit him once a fortnight. Each visit has been worse than the last. But I, being really stupid and forever hopeful, turn up each time praying it will be a pleasant, spend time together talk. It never is. Today I got some messages from him very early, saying he's depressed, when will I be there. Just the tone of his messages warned me today would not be a good day. My partner came with me for moral support. We did the 2 hour drive to see him and the day ended with us throwing him out of the car in front of the Police Station.
He wanted money and I refused. He badgered me and changed his story more and more as the day went on. The last version was he wants the money to attend an interview for study. I checked the internet on my phone and informed him intake for that course was 2 months ago. Yet another lie. He tells me I don't emotionally support him. Which is another lie.He needed money for a fix and I knew it.
It just escalated and his verbal abuse was out of control. He pushed my buttons and we ended up in a huge argument. Just the usual Sunday visit! Now I have turned my phone off and logged out of the messaging site we usually talk to each other through. But not before checking what he has to say about today. He hates my partner, I've ruined his chances and dropping him at the Police Station is unforgivable.
Anyway I'm sure you've probably all heard this story before in another shape or form. I just feel like tonight. I feel so angry, hurt, guilty and confused. Why me? Why aren't I blessed with a son who is studying or working like other normal parents. It really makes me feel I am a really bad Mother or I've really upset someone out in the universe.
I just don't what to do now. Do I respond to his messages? I don't want to see or talk to him but I want him to know why. I want a relationship with him but only if he is clean and sober.
Mostly tonight I miss my son, the nice one that disappeared.

 

[nlj]

Hello Dalyce
I'm so sorry for your grief.
I think you know what would be best for you to do at the moment, that would be to stop the visits. I think many mothers on this site would tell you that it is time to take care of yourself. These visits are not improving matters with your son and they are affecting you badly. We understand that you want a relationship with your son and that you want the "nice" son to come back again, but only he can make this happen. You have no control over this. Maybe you need to let him reach his rock bottom, his 'turning-point', and hope that your nice son will find his way back to you. In the meantime you probably need to try and detach from him and focus on finding ways to look after yourself and enjoy life again. It is so hard to accept that your child has not grown up as you wanted or expected.
I will read through your other thread again. I hope you found the responses to your other post helpful. There's no 'quick fix', it's hard work to find a way to deal with these troubles. Sending hugs. x

 

[recoveringenabler]

Dalyce, it would help us remember your story and info if you put a signature at the bottom of your post, as you see we have, then we can respond better without having to go back and try to find your older posts to figure out what the facts are. You do that by going up to the upper right hand corner here and clicking on your screen name, looking for signature, writing it and making sure you save it. Thank you.

You are driving 2 hours to get lied to, manipulated and abused. It would be helpful to YOU to stop doing that.

Stop any flow of money.

I want a relationship with him but only if he is clean and sober.

I believe that is exactly what needs to happen. You are presently in relationship with his drug of choice, not your son. You can block his nasty texts and calls and let him know until he can be respectful and grateful for all you've done, you are not willing to connect with him.

You may want to consider stopping paying his rent and food, thereby making his life easier to remain an addict. He is not suffering the consequence of his behavior, YOU are.

You can make him attending that treatment center or medical facility near you as a condition of your willingness to interact with him and also to pay his rent and food if that feels right. You are enabling him. That is what needs to stop. If you haven't read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it may be a good idea for you to do that.

This is all very difficult to do. You will likely require a lot of support. If there are 12 step groups near you, attend them. Private therapy helps us to heal too. You'll need assistance to stay the course and learn how to put the focus back onto yourself. You'll need support to find your own joy and peace once again. Your son is robbing you and your husband of your lives, inch by inch..........only YOU can reclaim it and move towards liberation from this terrible roller coaster ride you're on.

 

[Nancy]

I am sorry you are hurting. Please refresh our memories, where is he living and why are you visiting him? There was a time when my difficult child treated me very nasty. I remember once when she was in rehab 2 hours away. I drove up there for Saturday visiting and she treated me so badly I got up and walked out. I told her I was not coming back until she treated me respectfully. I cried all the way home for so many reasons. I couldn't believe she could be so cruel and it became clear to me she was using rehab to continue her dysfunctional ways.

You should not be subjecting yourself to your difficult child's abuse. I don't think our difficult children stop abusing us until we let them know we will no longer tolerate it.

 

[BusynMember]

I have to agree with the other ladies. Don't visit if he's going to be a jerk, and cut off the money. They do NOT stop abusing us until we show them we really, really will not put up with it and the fun and games are over. The nicer we are, the worse they treat us. It's like they know they're being jerks and lose respect if we put up with it. It has been a while since 36 has been abusive on the phone, and that's nothing short of miraculous. They won't respect us if we don't show them we feel we deserve it. And it hurts their own self-esteem too and their recovery when we allow them to act with impunity like we are carpet below their feet just because they got themselves into bad situations.

I agree with going to a twelve step group too. This is about YOU and YOUR life. Your son is making bad choices...all of us have to learn to live our lives even though our grown children aren't doing well, and it's pretty impossible to do it without face time support.

Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.

I

 

[1905]

When my son was talking, well...he was lying. Anything, even stupid things he didn't need to lie about. Don't answer his texts anymore. Just totally do not. I know it will be hard, but feel good about yourself very time you don't engage him. I know we all want to help our kids and give them a hand up. A hand out is not helpful to anyone. You give... and he stomps on you. The nice son will come back as soon as you stop letting him lie and you stop giving him stuff. It will take a long time, but this is his life and he has to fix it himself. He will come back to you. Give it a few years, I promise, don't talk to him anymore. In a few years he'll come back and thank you. This is how you help him as strange as that sounds.

 

[Kathy813]

There is a saying . . . People only treat you like you let them treat you. Would you let anyone else in the world treat you like that? Of course not. So it is time to stop letting your son treat you like that.

I understand the hope that the next time will be different. But it won't be because nothing has changed.

Could you tell us more of your story? How did you get to this point? Where is your difficult child living? How is he paying his living expenses?

~Kathy

 

[Annie2007]

I certainly understand where you are at. My homeless son who is over 3000 miles away called me last night and I did take the call after he called several times. He was verbally abusive and very hurtful. Tomorrow he turns 33. He has called tonight 3 times on my cell, twice on home phone and twice on home office phone. Plus a text telling me to call him. So far I have not and don't plan on it tonight. I will simply send him a text wishing him a happy birthday in the morning. Killing me with the ugly disrespect. It has to stop.


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[toughlovin]

Ok I have been there too. Recently my son was in jail and in one call got nasty with me....I ended the call and when he called I would not answer the phone that night. The next day he called and apologized (a big step and new for him) and I told him in the future I would hang up on him if he did that and take no more calls that night.

And if you know your son is using drugs and is not sober then dont pay his rent or any of his expenses!!! I have taken that stand with my son and yes he has been homeless and on the streets... and when he has gotten really tired of it he has gone to rehab..... I will help him out financially somewhat when he is sober and is on the right path.... but if he goes off that path then I wont.

My experience with my son is that he is a lot nicer and easier to get along with when he is sober and doing the right things.

When he is using is when he gets the nastiest.

TL


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[Childofmine]

It never is.

Dalyce, I am so sorry. You are trying to be there for him, and he just keeps on and on and on. Dalyce, you need to do something different, at least one thing. Don't try to do it all at once, it's too hard.

Here are a few ideas:

***Don't answer any calls or communication for the next 72 hours, no matter what. No matter what he does or says or how much he ramps up.
***Don't send the usual money, if you are sending money.
***Don't go on the usual visit when you usually do. Skip a visit.
***Other.

Pick one of the above. Do it, no matter how hard it is. Just change one thing, this time. Start the long process of changing yourself, because you are truly the only person you have one ounce of control over.

I feel so angry, hurt, guilty and confused. Why me? Why aren't I blessed with a son who is studying or working like other normal parents. It really makes me feel I am a really bad Mother or I've really upset someone out in the universe.

It has nothing to do with you, Dalyce. You could be the best mom in the world or the worst, and I would still say: His decisions, his diagnoses, his actions, his words, are his alone. Start to detach from the past, Dalyce. It's over and done with. You did the best you could do, given the circumstances. You made mistakes. So what? We all do and did and will again. Let yourself off the hook, starting today.

I just don't what to do now. Do I respond to his messages?

Give yourself a break. A rest. Start valuing yourself at least as much as you do him. Today, I live by the 51% rule. I am 1% more important than he is. So, here is how that translates into different action that I take: I have his birthday dinner last night at SO's house instead of my house, the house difficult child grew up in, because having it here is too hard for me. And last night, when it was time to go, easy child took difficult child and dropped him off at McDonald's, where he met up with his homeless friend. I didn't take him, because that is too hard for me.

I am taking much better care of ME today. I am thinking: does _______ work for me? Am I going to feel bad, sad, mad, after it is over? If I know I am, because of past experience, I am going to work to do something different. Just one thing different, starting now.

You can do this, Dalyce. Please go to an Al-Anon meeting if you haven't already. This is a lot of help out there for us, and we have to be committed to find it, participating in it and keep on using that help. If we do, we will get better. I promise you.

Warm hugs today. You are not in control of him, Dalyce. You can only control yourself.